Raising a rape baby
I was adopted after being in foster care. I was 4 when adopted. However, the parents I was adopted to were both abusive. My dad began incest with me at the age of 4and continued till I was 13 years old. I finally ran away and was on the streets for a few days. Asking strangers for spare change so I could get home. A man offered to take me home but he also raped me in the process and dropped me at the corner of where I lived. There were police cars outside our apartment so I got scared and hid downstairs in the laundry room trying to wait for them to leave. Anyway, one of the neighbors came to the laundry room and saw me. She said your mother is looking for you. She grabbed my hand and dragged me to my mother's door knocking telling her she found me. The Police were still there. They questioned me about my whereabouts and I was asked if I had any sexual contact with anyone. I lied and said no. They told me if I ran away again I was going to juvenile home. Which would have been better than living with my mom She sent me to Washington DC where my dad was now living. My dad began to have sex with me again and I was afraid I would get pregnant, but dad did not seem concerned. Things were to the point I could not go anywhere or have friends unless I agreed to give him The Big Favor as he called it.
My dad would drive me to this house and tell me my real birth family lived there but was never allowed to get out of the car to meet them. So I ran away to that house looking for my birth family. The man came to the door and I told him who I was and that they were my people he said your Aunt is at the store but she will be back shortly. Come on in and I did. There were two crawling babies on the floor. After waiting a while and she was not back I told him I would come back later but he grabbed me around my neck and pulled out this push button switchblade and drug me to the bedroom and raped me I was 16. he fell asleep and I ran out the back door.
Little did I know I would be pregnant. I had no idea as I saw my body changing, I did not get any prenatal care because my mom would not give me insurance or pay for it I was a slut and a hoe her words. It took a lady to go to bat for me with a doctor that agreed to see me but I was 6 months by then. I delivered in the 7th month prematurely. I had to call a cab to go to the hospital no one would go with me. My water broke I was all alone not knowing anything. Well, mom lets me and baby sleep on the cold back porch where my baby got real bad sick. I made up my mind got a job that I had to walk 8 miles to and back. Got a blind man to take care of my child got me an apartment/ As my child began to grow flashbacks the boy looks just his father my rapist. I began ti be resentful of this child, he was a constant reminder that tormented me. I did not want to give him up for adoption afraid he would get people like I had. So I had planned to end our life. I was not successful. We were in the ER where I lied and said it was an accident. No one knew or cared about us so I have been on my own since.
edited by dancingRainbow45 Removed a method of suicide to comply with community guidelines
That child winded up getting killed at the age of 23 years old. I was so angry at God because it just made no sense to me for him to have been conceived violently and then die such a violent death. He was the hardest part of my life I think. I had to suppress all feelings I had about his conception because I never wanted him to feel he was a mistake or unwanted. I struggled so hard to keep my own sanity and yet love my child. My first thoughts were that the Bible said children are a gift from God, I could not wrap my head around how I thought God caused me to get pregnant under these horrible circumstances. I lost my hope and Faith and am still struggling with that but I no longer hold God responsible. Nothing makes sense at all.
@scarletPear1945
Sometimes things do not happen for a reason that involves us. Sometimes the world is a place which makes no sense and is full of nothing but malice. Reguardless of this, the world is still a good place, and if it has not been kind to you, then your future will make up for that cruelty. Find happy people and learn from them. Learn why happiness is omnipresent even in the face of your worst most depressed day. Happiness and faith in life is possible I promise you.
@scarletPear1945 There is so much pain in this story. So many people took advantage of you that I'm amazed you can trust anyone at all. I didn't grow up in a religious family or have it around me in any way. Because of my experiences, I always thought that if there was a god, they were cruel. But the one thing I've always been in awe of with religion is the amount of strength it lends people. I think it's amazing that you've held onto your faith through all of this, and that it did in the end help you through some of the toughest emotions you've ever had to feel.
It sounds like you're very angry about his death. I think your feelings surrounding all of it are very messy. Considering you had wanted to end both of your lives, I can see that maybe there would even be guilt, despite absolutely none of this being your fault. You were but a kid yourself. You did the best with what you had. Being a parent doesn't automatically mean we suddenly have all the answers and can make our children's lives perfect. You did the best you could despite some of the most difficult obstacles. I'm sure that he saw that, because kids see effort, if nothing else. I'm so sorry, Pear, and thank so much for sharing this with us *hugs*
@Hoxenos
thanks, I appreciate your response
