Symbol of Rebellion

Still feel a little behind on stuff around here.

Hmm.

So a few updates. Love my advisor and she's really introverted- is very understanding about that stuff. Get the sense she's kind of a people pleaser or co-dep despite this, does a lot for other people but trying harder to put themselves out there. Pretty much how I was for awhile. Was shocked hearing her tell me that if I needed to vent/rant that I'm fully welcome to with her. I of course thanked her for that, but... I can't do that. My situation and everything- it's very complex and I don't want to burden her with stuff. She recounted this student who ranted to EVERYONE- random instructors and everything...it became a problem, actually. Sounds like the person had major boundary issues. Reminds me of talking to Wize about this stuff, how frustrating it can get when the seemingly normal peeps go on these FML rants in the grocery store to the checker or whoever. And... somehow they're perceived as normal? *boggle* But dat trauma! You gotta be super careful who you bring it up to. Seriously. People are weirdly judgmental about that sh*t.

It was nice talking with her openly and honestly about offline stuff, and the social stuff. Getting the nitty gritty about networking and stuff related to getting a job on my path. I'm even following the suggested course of action she tells students beforehand. She openly acknowledges that you have to practice coding every damn day practically. I've found my school's curriculum lacking in hands-on experience with it. So I basically take extra classes on the side. Sometimes way more in quantity and skill level than what my university offers. Things are weirdly calm

It's been goin' well.

Getting things done rather easily. But reminding myself to rest when I need to. Sometimes I have to try to force myself to sleep or rest. Also trying to be more mindful of foodz. Got some fruit and healthy stuff to eat. But it's hard when there's chips and candyboo stuff. X____X; Feel like I'll lose a ton of weight when I leave finally. I rarely ate at fast food places because I hate going through the drive-thru. lol I dunno. I want a simpler life. Yet something not lacking in meaning or depth. Taking out the conflict/complexities won't make my life devoid of meaning. But sometimes I wonder if I've not convinced myself that somehow this justifies a superior existence of a struggle? No. I am not St. Anthony. Nor do I need this tower.

But I can't help wondering if subconsciously something wants meaning in everything that's happened because of the fact that all this pain and chaos was randomly generated to cause me harm is too painful to bear? That this horrid behavior being struck at me had to have something attached to it? Somehow, I can see how it would be too cruel to think of it as the Universe's indifferent dice roll.

Urgh, feel like blarfing. Had some car idling outside my house for awhile- directly FACING it. Felt trapped, gross, sick, paranoid, panicky. Usually there's a utility van for the internet peeps, which is whatever. But random car idling for half an hour STARING at the house is pretty f***ing creepy. Tried to get its license plate # but couldn't. Also, I absolutely hate my neighbors for having fun with this stupid sh*t. I really need to move the h*** out of here. Not to mention my increasing hatred and rather nihilistic thoughts concerning humanity as a whole. lol

*trying to breathe deeply and not panic*

Kinda frustrated with my progress yet again.

I look back on the signs I've been given. Not to freak out and rattle my cage lest I hurt myself.

Unfortunately, whatever part of my being seems intent on rattling that cage and causing harm. A large part of me doesn't want to keep living and then become a year older with this murky progress. Sometimes I see people with the same stuff going on as me. Social anxiety, PTSD, etc. and yet they have all these degrees or whatever- can live and work. I get frustrated at myself for my own stupid condition. "How come I didn't turn out like that? Then at least I'd have something..." all I have is this idiotic hypervigilance and this damn inner child dragging me down. This childishness in me. The weird mark that attracts further violence my way. I've never really been considered the "smart" one by people. "Successful." No. I'm in pain. The humiliation of this life, what I have to do is too much. I end up being a waste of space that is taken advantage of. Why can't people just leave me the f*** alone? Why the bullying/psycho bullsh*t?

I see my psych later today... but I don't know anymore...now it's been two years or so since I've started seeing him for this stuff. My life is finite but... I'm so sick of dragging everything out.

Stayed in bed mostly today. Overwhelmed by stuff.

Got an e-mail about my state funding being on warning status- freaked me out but I should be able to handle it....still freaked, though.

Been on edge- went to psych tonight. That jackass who called me retarded was there today, too. He's totally an angry brat. Hate him. Unloaded about the situation to my psych and told him about what happened- had to bring SO because I was kinda freaked to run into this d***** nugget again. F***ing hate that this happens in that stupid f***ing waiting room. Last thing I need is this sh*t.

Talked about a lot of stuff, did some EMDR for my ramped up anxiety and phobic responses. Seems to be working...didn't totally trip when I got home. Feel okay now. I also discussed medication, group dynamics and how they affect us- how sometimes subconsciously we might set ourselves back to follow a certain "status quo" of a group. Really in-depth conversation- hope to hear more later.

...oh. I said something snarky about how ugly the house is without thinking and SO tried to make me apologize. Got all quiet and sat me down like a little kid telling me how I was wrong and sh*t. I blatantly told him that it was a one off thing and I simply don't need to apologize for it. Got up, left, and here I am. Not accepting his bullsh*t projections. Seriously. He sits on his ass playing video games or watching tv while the house is in shambles and he drives around in a slightly newer truck(the loan he got behind my back). Just f*** that.

I'm not gonna be MADE to apologize for thinking the way I do. His narcissistic dipsh*t tactics won't work on me.

To summarize: F*** that shame.

Hmn

A few things... my cat is staring at me over the monitor. This term has been going well at university. Amazing that I feel more inspired to complete my work and do well when someone isn't b*tching at me to be better and throwing guilt/shame tactics everywhere. I'm actually keeping up with progress and maybe even further... O_O;

Been doing some of my Android programming stuff. Completed this little app recently which teaches you about user input and hooking things up. Woo! Overthought a part near the end, but once I saw it it made sense. Gotta make sure I have the updated version on my phone. If anything, it's a simple calculator with button input from a user. Mrowr. There's supposed to be a thread to discuss the thing in but it doesn't even exist lolz. Oh well. So now I work on the UI, I think. And getting back into Javascript. X0 Horp.

Tiiiiiired. So much the learnz.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/tech-support/201808/6-ways-unloved-daughters-self-sabotage-and-how-stop?amp

Found this really interesting article about healing from an unloving mother or family. Gonna pin it here so I cam go back to it. Figured it'd be useful to others that struggle with this as well.

Mrwor. Hot. Blorf.

Drinking cold coffee and jumping from one editor to another on my computers. lol So busy. Working on programming courses, math, and then my "hobby" programming which is learning how to mod a certain game that has been released over and over again ad nauseum. XD

Can't really think lately, so not really talking on here. Kinda focusing my energies on this productivity and ignoring the heat. lol