Symbol of Rebellion

Had a rough night.

Birthday coming up next month. Was looking at random stuff online since I want to find some cute plates and such for myself. I like having tea time, but nowadays I've shifted to chilled coffee for some reason. XD Had a look at all these cute tea sets. Found this one that was for a whole gathering. Very girly. Plenty of colorful flowers and the shapes of the vessels themselves were very ornate, with gold trim. I felt instantly depressed. About to cry.

It reminded me directly of how my mother refused to participate or acknowledge my life. I wouldn't have really liked the high school stuff you do with moms since I never got along with other people that much... mainly due to them scoffing at my poverty and oddness brought about from poor raising. I got bullied a lot due to this. But this reminded me of Mother-Daughter tea and how I will never really experience anything like that remotely. No one cared about who I was or what I wanted in life. No bonding. Only neglect and then screaming. Abuse. I cried. For the first time in awhile, I cried. The thing with MIL calling added to that. How I had to go no contact because of her and the antics of her family. Then getting ostracised for standing up for myself. She kept on saying my mother was sh*t and she was better. LOL OMG, just seriously.... evil, but my mother was certainly better looking at least. XD

With all this, I never mentioned some of the stuff going on in the background. Set up a call with my old psych for today and discussed some stuff regarding my university and finally coming out about my condition. He thinks I need to finally come out about it, especially with whats happening with my stupid advisor. Because I'm getting stigmatized in a different way right now. It's so hard to even focus it looks like I'm really lazy. X_X; Blarg disassociation. I wanted to go around my advisor and only tell certain people, but he'll find out either way and that scares me. Especially with the stupid BS he has pulled lately. So I might as well get it out of the way. My goal is to contact the appropriate department and get things rolling before the weekend hits. Psych has agreed to provide a diagnosis and necessary documents, and I let him know that I'd be contacting them very soon.

Gonna go back to bed or laze around before I start stuff today, feeling like I got some head cold stuff going on. Time to cuddle with my angry looking baby penguin stuffed animal.

Haven't felt like talking lately. Feel more like a third wheel sometimes. I want to support people but I don't have much energy so the only thing I can do is read and I feel guilty. Barely can respond to posts on here. There are folks a lot more busy than me who can get around to it sooner. lol Probably come off as selfish. Frustrated. Not in a good place right now.

@Wizeakre @calmLake1999 @PerfectStorm426 @purpleWest8143 and anyone else who puts up with my writing. XD

Hey everyone.

Kinda working my way out of a very dark time. Have seen that there's suffering out there with you some of you due to the circumstances of late. Sending you some love and positivity. Thanks for sending hugs and love my way, you guys, gals, and non-binary peeps. <3

Hoping to be more active on here since I'm dealing with some stuff better lately. Just really wanted to send some love to you, let you know I'm okay, and thank you for being there and your kindness. I want to be more supportive here to you folks, I find there's so much to learn about each other when I interact with you. In a good way, of course!

Been writing poetry lately. This is the first of the Dark Triad set I'm working on. Feel like its hobbled together. lol XD Enjoy.

**Trigger Warning*** Light mention of blood and gore, not overly explicit. ***

Dracula's Frankenstein

Made of many parts, cracked seams.

Bloodied, stitched haphazardly.

A smirk here, from Brother Fair.
An intonation or joke there, from Father Trifling.
Behaviors slapped together from various places.

This is the palate of Dracula's monster.

A bit of soul from a wounded nun.
The cries of a desperate, dying man.
The laughs of children emulated without soul or pleasure.
Hollow.
The hollow monster.

The only feeling it has ever known is misery.
Upon waking, misery.
Sleeping, misery.
Behind the coy smile, misery.

It is part of Vlad himself. Placing its suffering upon the living.
Tbe loving are truly not free around this monster.
For it only exists to free itself from the shoddily put together being hobbled together from the souls of others so relentlessly.

Waaah. Poems. X_X; I don't write much nowadays because they feel forced or rushed. Kinda poopy. lol Real mature sounding, eh? I turn into a perfectionist when it comes to my own writing. Like one of those tropes of the author constantly writing and crumpling up the paper with a giant pile overflowing out of the garbage can. Feel like challenging myself and sharing since you've all done the same. Getting out into the fray and all. Will reply to replies tonight finally. BLARGAG Easter. Was looking forward to it, but some serious crazy-making going on. Anyway, I have another poem I just finished that's part of the Dark Triad series.

**Trigger Warning** Mention of some adult topics, blood, and allusion to suicidal thoughts **

Princess of Swords

Behind closed doors, the steely princess sits
Leaning on her elbow
She rests her chin on her hand
Looking outward

Sometimes plotting her vengeance
Sometimes dreaming of the asps dreamy bite
The possibility of conquering worlds

"Let the rivers run red with the blood of my enemies.
You too shall have a taste of this power, just aid me as you will."
She whispers with a fleeting smirk and bored sigh

Holding the glass tall
Drinking the wine as her vengeance is wrought
Betraying the fervent will of Venus Verticordia
Making it a night to remember

Leaving her mark cut into the stone

Here are the rules from my previous diary thread. Still stands.

I am a woman dealing with getting out of an abusive marriage, overcoming agoraphobia based on shame, (social)anxiety/phobia, C-PTSD, slight disassociation, and some other things like co-dependency and just learning to be freakin' human again. My goal is to get out of this horrid marriage, finish my schooling so it's easier to find a job, start driving again, and find a job and be able to properly work without slowly going mad.

A few words before we continue:

1. There will sometimes be triggering things on here, you've been warned. My past is filled with various forms of abuse and circumstances. You will probably be triggered by something. A fair warning to the graphic nature of my abuse. I will not be writing explicit or detailed accounts, only referencing them in passing. Unless stated with a trigger warning alert.

2. I am typically triggered when it comes to drug use no matter if it is recreational or not. In my older years I can kinda understand why people would use, but.... Most of the people that abused me were also using substances and used in front of me at a young age. Whether alcohol or various kinds of drugs. While alcohol is considered normal in most cultures, it still makes me pretty damn nervous and slightly triggered due to the extreme alcoholism combined with mental instability in my family. I usually avoid it if I can. I'm okay when dealing with people who've recovered or are recovering from these things. It takes a lot of strength to overcome that kinda thing. So, thank you for your efforts and willpower. I struggled with alcoholism myself at an early age due to my family's party hard type of lifestyle. Ale bonding was the only way they'd acknowledge me.

3. Sometimes this will be used for venting about my situation and trying to heal from the re-traumatization of my current situation. Other times, it will be used as a place to try to pep talk or provide motivation and inspiration for healing or processing. Beware of some attempts at art or writing. XD

4. My spirituality will also be addressed on here. I am not Christian, but I certainly don't mind prayers or anything of the sort- just as long as you're not trying to save my eternal soul or convert me we'll be alright.

5. I just wanted to put a five here. That's all.

Here's some classical music for your trouble:

https://musopen.org/radio/

Maniacal Chess Game

Since I cannot concentrate on my university stuff at the moment, think I'll give an update about lifey. Just wanted to thank everyone again for their support, kindness, and existence. There's so much to learn from each other. ˖✧◝(⁰▿⁰)◜✧˖

Today, I just sorted out this financial BS with my school concerning money getting sent to my bank account instead of directly deposited to the school. My account got put on hold and a lot of bureaucratic nonsense ensued. The worst part was SO's flailing and narcissistic injection of himself in my problems. Saying how horribly it affected him and HE didn't want to talk about it because it was so stressful. *insert eye roll here* Even offered to scream at them on the phone. Cute, but no thanks. I handled everything myself. 'cept going to the bank, since MIL works there. lol Anyway, it should be all sorted out now. This semesteryboo. X____X;

Speaking of N-blob craziness. That's been ramped up after I quit therapy. As the Magical Pigeon has predicted. Observing some of SO's actions and somehow increasing selfishness... maybe there is something MORE than a personality disorder...? Like, there's some really bizarre movements and actions he does. IDEK. It's creepy AF. So, for my own safety from this blatant insanity, I've decided to start therapy again. Just spoke with my old psych today. He helped me with my ADA stuff. Guess peeps use this ICD or...somethin' system instead of DSM now? He gave me these codes for my mental problems and I'm like...wtff am I a f***ing combo meal here? So weird. Anyway, I laid out how I don't want to cross paths with that one person who bullied me- because I may start something. Arranged for a day and slightly later. Twice a month. This kills two birds with one stone. Poor birds. Let's change that out with lizards instead.

Not only is this for my own continued healing, it creates an authority that SO is conscious of. An odd sort of accountability. The more I wake up to this the more I'm shocked by how f***ed up things are. I keep gaining strength, but with an added frustration and anger. This move to try to lure me with finances away from my own mental health care... insidious. I saw through it, though. Pretty much knew that's how things would go. Been able to do a lot more lately. Maybe finally being able to deal with the disassociation a bit better. Feel like my anxiety has improved in some areas, gotten worse in others. Blarg. Tired of this maniacal chess game. Tired of sleeping on the floor in the office because someone won't seek treatment for their sleeping issues that are completely obnoxious. I want my own damn place, income, and life away from this BS.

And that's what I'm working towards. Pushing all these pieces and that confining board off the table so I can have my tea in peace.

Easter Depression

This year it wasn't that happy of an Easter. Many years have been that way, unfortunately. I feel like a large part of myself is trying to disassociate so I don't think about the past. About the things going on right now. Just nothing. Asked for a basket this year since I'm like a dorky little kid...and this might sound bratty- but I didn't get anything I wanted. I even got asked what I wanted and got something completely different. Well. This is typical from narcissistic types.

It's happened throughout my life. My needs, my wants, simply ignored. Boundaries dashed, treated subhuman and then abusers claiming I'm the one that was treating people that way. It's just another symbol of how I'm ignored and not even really a pertinent existence to them. That doesn't mean I'm useless to the rest of the world, but it sure as hell feels that way sometimes.

I'm frustrated. The post above where I mentioned telling my psych that I really didn't want to encounter that bully, or I may "start something". I developed this coping mechanism where I get aggressive at times when people don't hear me. In truth, I would probably be frightened and avoid that creepy, abusive bully. But there are times I feel like I must really emphasize stuff to make it heard or to stick more. When setting boundaries, it feels like I'm some tiny little lion managing squeak when I try to roar and draw these lines. Maybe its a bit unhealthy...but I really hope to learn better ways to get my voice out there where my body isn't shrinking back or I'm visibly afraid speaking.

Is that simply self-confidence? I wonder...

In the end, I'm the only one who knows or can satiate my needs/wants. I cannot put that on other people. That's why I'm working my way out of this, amongst other things. To finally be free of this psychological baggage from the past and the newer traumatizations that I'm faced with. There's so much I want to do. So much more than this...

Feel frustrated and a bit sick from putting myself out there.

Got a response from my school's ADA department that said they couldn't allow for it to be online, to contact the test vendors instead. They'll probably just tell me that I can go sit in a room away from everyone. Yeah, I guess that's fine. I'll just throw up and panic there instead of here like I do before pretty much all of my tests.

Discontinuing this stupid process. No point in contacting these jerks further. I went and exposed my struggles all for nothing and feel sick, ashamed, in freakin' panicking shambles. They're just doing their job, and whatever- I SHOULD be able to function. Not their f***ing problem. Again, I discover more and more that I need to "just get over it".

So damn frustrated. Ended up crying, and now I have to talk to my freakin' jerk advisor right now after only slightly cooling down from that panic episode. Pondering if I should skip this class for now and do my writing classes I could finish quickly? Then at least I would have SAP taken care of even if I decided to simply not take that damn class for now.

I've realized lately that my coping mechanisms are kinda shot.

Admittingly, I stopped reading my self-help books and got blind-sided by a lot of chaos since I've left therapy. So...now I'm looking back into things. Remembered the 5-second rule from Mel Robbins. Also remembered I need to do the check-ins on here! Because that's where I learned it from. From another soul dealing with trauma. Anyway, I invite all of you to come on a journey with me and see if you may be interested in this.

https://www.success.com/videos/youtube/how-mel-robbins-curbs-her-anxiety-in-5-seconds

Taming anxiety and triggers has been a life-long work for me. Hope I can finally gain some power over it. Want to be able to function in the adult world, y'know.

A Friendly Dice Game

Finally somewhat caught up with correspondences! Sitting here with my panthery house cat, my coffee and mini cheesecake slice finished. I'm going to try and reflect upon how things went yesterday with therapy.

Overall, the journey up there wasn't bad. Usually, my bladder has me flailing around and hiding out in the bathroom before I leave the house. Decided to try something different lately, an old exercise that proved very useful but simply floated out of my head. Using the 5-second rule via Mel Robbins I envisioned myself calm and created an appropriate phrase that I would think of when counting backward referring back to the image. It worked pretty damn well. I was pretty cool the entire sojourn. Went shopping, WASN'T VERY AWKARD. WOO! Feel like my positive interaction with everyone lately has REALLY helped. More than I could've imagined! Even reached out to a listener despite some hesitation and had a really positive experience. Felt like it bolstered my strength and confidence. I could feel the love so to speak when I was out.

Therapy was pretty chill. I sat down on the floor and blatantly set down the ground rules/boundaries and went further into detail about my experience with the marriage counselor and why I needed time to clear my head. Not to mention the bullying in the waiting room. He assured me that this time and day would be free of that person and that counselor. I was so ecstatic I said, "Ah! Wonderful! Good boy!" ....and then tried to save it with, "I greatly appreciate that!" but...still. *facepalm* By the Divine, that's the same thing I say to the cats when they bring me something. XD I dunno... and then there was reviewing of things that happened. He essentially told me that the ramped up narcissistic bubble and control tactics sound like SO is straight up trying to pull domination sh*t on me. I pretty much am aware of that. But it's just coming off as him being an ass because I'm stronger now. He's an out of control emotionally retarded little boy with a metaphorical knife, lashing out at anyone who dares to defy the "good guy/godly/superior" reality. I guess I want to shift that perspective into not him trying to "dominate" me, but I want to make it seem more pathetic. I know that's what he is trying to do and I'm not blind to it. *sighs* But it's simply not worth my concern right now, such an irksome creature. I've got to stand up straight, walk away when things get like that. Be firm in my boundaries and remember to not engage someone looking to cut open anyone they see fit as a sacrifice to their petty ego. So far, I've been doing pretty good.

I feel more secure in myself lately, but I get so frustrated with stuff sometimes. B*tch wants her freedom, damn it! >X0

I'm glad you gave me something to think about concerning that emotionally driven thing with therapy, @PerfectStorm426. Otherwise, I might not be back here in therapy with my psych. It just feels like I made a good decision coming back there. I appreciate the perspectives you've all brought to the table. I consider them all when I look back on situations. Balancing them. Listening to my own voice as well. There's so many ways to look at things. And sometimes, the most simplistic thing is the best solution. But it's hard to see BECAUSE it's right in front of you. Now I'm just rambling. lol