Symbol of Rebellion

BONUS: https://niceonedad.com/

When you really need a fix for lame jokes.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sMvhRl1KN8g

Shiina Ringo - Genjitsu wo Warau. If you look down at the first comment it has the lyrics. I freakin' love Shiina Ringo. The quality might not be that good on this, however. Uh...might not be for everyone. lol

Disassociated again. X_X;

Been really rainy and cold, so perfect for hiding under the covers and curling up with a book. Can't seem to get up or get caffeinated today. Heck, for the past few days. Been meanin' to post to replies and what not but I feel completely drained and then end up tossin' what little I did write for a reply. Think I'm in a depressive state due to my crappy home environment and the stuff going on with school. Made curry last night and thought of you, @wizeakre. Gonna make tonkatsu tonight to pair with it. It always makes a boatload- even when you halve the recipe.

Gotta get around to the blankie fort. Today I took a nap and read Aphrodite. You can check out some more classical related texts along with it here. https://www.sacred-texts.com/cla/index.htm Easily one of my favorite places on the net to hang out besides archive.org. I have a lot of places for bookyboos and the like.

Right now, I'm working on overcoming this damnable sleepiness and restructuring my research paper into that of an assertive/debate paper kinda paper. Brain fog is annoying. Blarg. X_X; Stuff I wanna say and things I wanna reply to... my energy is at %5 and dropping. Maybe just need to rest....

Been havin' all these dreams about natural disasters of different sorts. I'm usually out of danger. If I am put in the way of peril, I can navigate out of it to safety. Been tryin' to record them lately. Can remember dreams in detail, but remembering other stuff... lol Can when I need to- which is good enough.

Gonna try to meditate and read some tonight. Think tomorrow I'll not have any caffeine and just try to rest. Got my assignment to do. Will do it quickly when I can focus. Right now, I need to not force myself- it's making stuff worse. Oh yeah! And NO caffeine, Pigeon girly! Rest, play with kitties, read, and if you FEEL up to it...do your work. Otherwise chill, work on exercises to not disassociate and do some yoga. Srsly.

The call went well today. The lady was super nice and compassionate. I didn't have to explain disassociation since she already knew about it. Which was a load off of my mind. Though accommodations can't be made for me to have an online test, I looked again and I don't even know if they offer this as online anymore. X_X; So, I'm gonna finish up my writing classes which I can do pretty quickly sans brain fog time. Get those out of the way so if I can't do the test I still have even credits to be in good standing with financial aid. Wanted to get it done sooner, but this'll be the path that makes for less anxiety. Also discussed my advisor, looks like I need to be more blatant about my needs and switch him out. So off to schedule yet another meeting... and really be an advocate for my situation.

...but not today...

Have spent most of the day in bed either playing games or catching up on here when I'm not reading. My stuffed animal is with me and my cat is quietly snoring next to my lap.

Not gonna say "I need to do this or that" today...though I probably have already. XD

Just gonna do what I naturally want to do.

Got up fairly late today.

Even still, feel pretty good and like I'll get a lot of things done! <3

Last night was stressful, decided that I had to state a boundary and it was very awkward for me. The SO(as usual) was doing his usual entitlement BS. He's been going into my bathroom and staying there for hours on end til the late hours of the night. Had to talk to him about this before, but people with no boundaries will just resume sh*t after awhile. I had to wait til freakin' nearly 1AM in the morning to take a bath and get ready for bed because of him hogging it. Then I had to wait for the bathroom to defog because he makes it like a damn sauna in there. I got pissed, used that energy to tell him I need him to not do that anymore because it's interfering with my sleep schedule and night-time regimen. Takes me a LOT to wind down. I also meditate before bed and my bath with candles and sometimes incense. All of which are in there. He kept looking at me like I was crazy or something. Disbelief and mainly silence. So frustrated, but I know that his idiotic behavior is pretty much par for the course from someone highly narcissistic. Anything to show they're superior or whatever. They'll do anything to get in the way and they WANT you to know that. So I'm choosing to state my boundaries when I need to and then ignore him.

Think I probably disassociated a couple times in the process. Been very avoidant lately. When I went out the other day, I spaced about 3~4 times. Once while someone was speaking to me. That...creeped me out because I couldn't hear them. What if they felt bad or I said something stupid or crazy? So I just used a stock response....maybe it was awkward, I don't remember.... Feel like I'm fallin' apart lately. I'm sad. That things are this way. I'm glad other couples can resolve their issues. That this isn't considered healthy. Thank whatever Divinity. I'm so worried... that I'll never get out, that I'll stagnate and let myself become a mindf***ed vegetable. That I won't make the cut for my computer science stuff. I want to be free from this damn anxiety, and these other things that hold me back.

My birthday is coming up late this month. I don't want to celebrate since I don't think I'm worthy of it. That I haven't accomplished anything. And as a woman, I don't like to acknowledge my age anyway. ☆～（ゝ。∂）

Blarfle.

Pigeon, girl, we need to talk...

I know you're triggered. While lookin' for some local food options you saw your abusive ex-friend smiling happily in a picture at said restaurant. Shock.

You were startled.

These are the people you mentioned recently to a friend in regard to her situation. That you understood how hard it is to deal with these types- especially when they're roommates.

Appalled.

I'm here. Thinking I'm disgusting, morbidly obese, everything terrible in the book that they said about me.

Reflection.

Uh, hey, b*tch!

That ain't the case.

Have you seen these people?! If you aren't allowed to go out they should practically be executed and put in a damn curiosities museum! Good lord, honey.

Damn girl.

Your cute face and fine @ss get you in trouble, it seems. *laughing with a smirk*

I want you to do something. RE-FREAKING-MEMBER, girl.

That ugliness they're talking about is pretty much them. They have standards that they themselves can't even meet. Remember that little word "projection"?

Nah, I want you to take care of yourself and know that you're pretty much a standard they could never realize even now. Even with the emotional weight gain, even with the "ugliness", the self-hate, all your flaws. You're you. The difference is YOU can see beauty in others instead of trash-talking everyone all the time. The difference is you can say with a grin that someone is lovely and not mean it with sarcasm! You don't mind or hate those super models. You might be jealous but you can admit it, you know it takes a lot of work and would rather enjoy a slice of cheesecake or enjoying that soul food when you feel like it. All things in moderation, right?

Well, it's time.

Work your way up. You're going to do it this time. We're gonna take care of this damn body we've been graced with.

Honey, I'm gonna make you the best belly dancer with fiery swords, I can! Let's have 'em swoonin' just from strength in our eyes.

Free yourself.

You sure as hell are allowed to go out if people like them are runnin' around.

Let the dancing begin.

From,

Your Saucy Ass Inner Self

Catchin' up on comments.

'til then, here's some elevator music.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GByzwZoRuX4

*BOOM* ...Silence

***Trigger Warning -- Child Abuse, references to sexual abuse, maybe some other things***

Took me awhile to get back people and I didn't even reply to like half of the comments on here... X___X; Blorfle. Uhm. There's another thing that struck me about that image of my abusive ex-friend. Sitting at the table with her was a mutual friend I had with the guy who raped me. Been processing this.

Where I live all the losery social circles intermingle eventually. So they spread their bullsh*t and poison to anyone who'll listen. It disgusts me. So very much... demonized by these people. One of the core things of my agoraphobia and why I won't go out around here is because of this. That I'm too horrible of a person, too ugly, too hideous and morally reprehensible to go out.

I'm better when I go to other cities or towns. But I won't even take a walk around here. Remember going to a clinic where low-income people go since I didn't have insurance, and they ask about your home life...about any abuse. I've told them about my situation, but there was a chick who I barely spoke to in high school standing there with them. I told my story of the abuse and she smirked, rolling her eyes and making damn sure I saw how she thought my entire life was bullsh*t. Yet another of that circle.

I feel sick.

When I was homeless because of the family thing, I couch-surfed with the rapist guy and some friends(different friends) from college. He told me before anything happened that he was a registered sex offender. Molested a young girl, but that it was horrible of him to. Ahhh, life has a sick sense of humor yet again. I had nowhere to go. And I knew he had a crush on me. I was disassociated heavily. My sleep was blanking out and seeing the same still image in front of me as the moment I drifted. Waking up in shock. I remember him standing over me, then blank. And afterwards...there were clues. I hadn't been with anyone before... but this was the second time I had been raped at this point. Within the same year. The first by my father while I was still homeless.

His attitude toward me shifting to affectionate. My friends had already shown concerns and I overheard them speaking about it- but not with me. They looked worried. I remember hearing them freaking out about it. Due to my disassociation things were hazy. But they knew. It would get him arrested and no place for them, so they hid it from me. But I knew.

Meanwhile, the ex-friend that triggered me- she used to be my best friend of many years but things changed... She became more twisted after her lover cheated on her. Especially after the child was involved. Her lover tortured the lovechild she had and claimed falsely that it was from rape to recieve benefits. No one knows what has happened to me save for a few select people. They claim mental illnesses they don't have for the same reason. They're a statistic. Doing drugs in front of the child, threatening people with violence, taking the money from the government and using it towards video games and all this crap. They also abused animals and their condition was rivalled with my own fetid upbringing. But somehow...these sick people are believed and I'm a monster among them. Luckily, I set boundary and left them. They threatened me with violence to come back, but I didn't give in. That's when the smearing started more flagrantly.

The above writing from my inner self felt like automatic writing from a spirit. Vain, narcissistic like my abusers, haughty. But..is it really? If these horrible creatures go out without remorse and cause destruction...surely I who seek growth can be allowed to live in the light? Am I that disgusting? That hideous of a specimen to be shunned? I've always wanted to dance. To sing. Like I said before, one of my dreams is to become a belly dancer and be able to wield swords and flames. But I fear that my grotesqueness will have me burnt at the stake. I'm gonna keep this letter as an aside and stare at it awhile... This stuff is pretty heavy.

Was stupid. Opened up to SO about what happened. It got turned into him trying to dissect "WHEN" it happened and then saying I was wrong. Well, I do struggle with disassociation but after just telling this sh*t about my sexual abuse to him- no. Just no.

Just like last time, and why I withheld that info. He turned it into something about himself. About how terrible it was for me to not trust him. How daaaare I not trust him after all these years! And he kept on worrying about "saying the wrong thing". Throw in some poor me BS on his part.

I got up and walked away. Told myself openly that I shouldn't have brought it up. BECAUSE this is the reaction he would do. He doesn't understand that HE is the reason I withheld that in the first place. When I told him about my first sexual abuse he made it about himself as well and how dare I don't see his f***ed up family somehow.

Now he just walked out the door and acted all hurt. Left.

*laughs*

I f***ing knew it would turn out this way. THIS IS WHY. Someone mentally/emotionally unstable is unable to understand or have any kind of empathy. Like a vending machine, he's supposed to invest time dealing with me and that makes trust. With a vending machine you can punch, kick, hollar at it and it doesn't matter if it trusts you. When you're a human. Different.

"Trust is earned."

He believes he is entitled to trust after the crazy manipulation and emotional abuse he pulls. No. It's pretty blatant I'm dealing with someone who has a pretty violent case of narcissistic behavior.

On here...I spoke and someone at least listened. Someone reached out and felt my pain. People listen here at least. I hate this. Scheduled a phone call with my psych but he hasn't gotten back to me. And I still haven't gotten back to replies.

Just here...crying...

Knowing I should've known better.