Symbol of Rebellion

Urgh, sorry for the freak yet again, guys.

Feel like I've been goin' haywire. I will say that even with all the shakiness, somehow I still feel that saucy ass self kickin' around in there. Telling me that I do have the power to get out of this and I will achieve my dreams. Like I was tellin' to Wize, I feel some new initiative brewin'. I gotta stop focusing on who or what I'm dealing with and shift the focus to myself even moreso. Which is hard because of all the attention grabbin' they do. I knew better, but ...well, what's done is done.

Kinda everywhere as usual. lol Sad, frustrated, angry, and just so sick of stuff. Social stuff on here is gettin' a bit easier to keep up with. Pigeon is Pigeon. Dancing is still on the table, my friends.

Today was a day where nothin' really got done.

I signed onto here chatted with some peeps at the blankie fort and then I IMMEDIATELY went to sleep and slept the entire day. Droolin' on my penguin plush and layin' in bed with the kitties. XD It was super rainy today. ...also, feel kinda silly. I forgot that I was severely depressed. Besides the disassociation and stuff with the C-PTSD, the avoidance stuff, and just all the random everyday BS...makes it hard to keep my head together. I dislike how I felt when I took anti-depressants. Same for anti-anxiety stuff. It was like chemical induced disassociation with this weird half connection to consciousness. Not being able to feel anything. Think it helped for a time...but it seriously freaked me out and I stopped taking them awhile back.

Depression. Blarf. I need to investigate this further. In TCM the problem is your Qi is clogged, brah! I know depression is pretty strong because of my current environment and frustration my situation. Not to mention with myself. Gonna discuss this with my psych next week. This week he never got back to me, even wanted to try to talk to me tomorrow. It's Sunday! I told him I'm fine for now and things have cooled down. He seems like a real busy guy, and TBH I made that call very spur of the moment. I'm a little frustrated because I waited for his call for two days, but seriously. People have lives, y'know?

A lot of mixed feelings today. My hunger cues are disconnected so I have trouble eating appropriate portions. X_X; Random stuff. Oh. I entered a poem into that contest I posted the link to in the blankles fort. Might be too dark. XD Have noticed a disturbing amount of death in a lot of my media and such lately. Forced myself to get some dorky stuff. Mrow.

One of the worst things about my situation is that SO tries to censor or pretend like all the bad things never happened. It also occurs in a very predictable cycle. Completely unhealthy. So after that it's been this weird soulless continuum. The general net advice for these kind of behaviors is to argue and point out the BS. Or...tell you to RUN! GET OUT! Becuase...everyone can immediately. *eyeroll* My situation is pretty precarious. I hold my truth close to me. More and more I feel my will unable to be shaken by their delusions. That's what matters. I state boundaries when I need to. But I if I had to argue or point out everything, there's just too much. It would be endless. Also, my life might be in jeopardy if I do that. I plan on not dealing with people like this again. It is NOT healthy or "normal" as much as they try to convince you it is.

Chapter 56 of Lao Tzu's Tao Te Ching(Cleary translation)

Those who know do not say;
those who say do not know.
Close the senses, shut the doors;
blunt the sharpness, resolve the complications;
harmonize the light, assimilate to the world.
This is called the mysterious sameness.
It cannot be made familiar,
yet cannot be estranged;
it cannot be profited,
yet cannot be harmed;
it cannot be valued,
yet cannot be demeaned.
Therefore it is precious for the world.

Sleep time.

House of Mirrors

Spores falling in winter upon the decaying surfaces
Thousands of mirrors
dull without glint
Are covered with the poisonous snow
Falling inside,
so heavily
Coating the living statuette
Without hesitation
As the face without tint
Seems to scream painfully
by means of silence
Covered in dirt, in layers of virulence
It writhes forth
Until
With a heaving chest, it caresses the chin of a brand new spring.

Mya... thank you for your support everyone.

Just processing things. Will get back to this later...

Got psych tonight. Around my birthday I will give out treats or little gifts to thank people for what they've done for me. A kind of io Saturnalia turnaround. I got him these little organic chocolates made in Spain with various spices. Though I think dark chocolate is preferred. He has a bag of fine chocolates he shares with peeps at the office and if I ask for some he usually obliges. Just givin' back to that community pool. lol

Gonna see my stylist soon. But I've been avoiding it for way longer than usual. Last time I opened up to her about the abuse going on and my rather screwed up past. She was very loving about it. Hugged me, even. It was very emotional. Now my hair has all these flyaways and my style is just swamp maiden. XD Embarrassed about going back.

Gonna try baking something for everyone here and posting it in the blankie fort. Additionally, I've been hissing at people in public. X_____X; I hissed at some large guy telling me to move over and over again when I was somewhere barely a couple minutes and they'd just got there. Were very obnoxious. And then when I was looking for something and thinking. Scared off an anxious-seeming youngster. Yes. Let it be known that hissing works wonders to move people or state disapproval without words!

@purpleWest8143 @wizeakre @PerfectStorm426 @calmLake1999

Well... I've meditated on this for a long while and I think I've found the answer.

How can you folks help/support me? Actually, it's simple! Just being there and being yourselves. Knowing that I have wonderful friends who'll listen and support me is fine enough. Couldn't really ask for anymore. I mean... you already pretty much give the support I need. Your perspectives, validation, and sometimes just listening or distracting(a good thing sometimes). I just don't know...and it would be selfish to ask for any more, really.

Been in a reflective mood lately. With the things going on in our group, things going on in IRL and what not... 'specially with Storm's Racing # Day shortly. After all these years I got a prototyping board like I've always wanted. Everyone told me I wouldn't be able to do it or learn anything about it. It took some doing but I got the first circuit to work successfully. But it's gonna take a lot of studying! Most of my hobby/career stuff is that way. Only reading literature or playing games is free from that kinda stuff! And sometimes not! XD Oh yeah, and I struggled with putting the board components together because they included some cheap stuff so Pigeon-smash mode. Which, I don't even know why they want you to rivet the damn thing to the board when it's gonna be used as a microcontroller for other projects. C_C;

Anyway... have felt like I can't do anything right lately. My hair, my school stuff, even going out normally. Doesn't help that the other day when I went out dressed to the hilt someone literally called me a skeaze! WTFF. I don't even. Have noticed guys like that seem intimidated by me. Know it's their childish BS and mommy issues, not me. But still...it hit pretty hard considering I avoid going out specifically because I don't want to be insulted or antagonized. Then lies the paradox that I live in this house IRL where I'm antagonized daily. Its gonna happen either way... so its better to be at least out of it and somewhere else. BUT! My brain and those neural pathways need altering. Been doing random things around the house with my less dominant hand. Heard it helps create new neural pathways from one of my old therapists. Along with countering the thoughts, and trying other new things.

Know I went on a tangent. But I just SO want to do new things and do the things I used again. I want to overcome my fear of failure and mathematics. I want to overcome my fear of driving/car crashes, of going out into public because I'll be humiliated. Or f***ing up a job or my education. I'm just so damned afraid of everything. I feel like a f*** up to put it bluntly. I haven't worked for ages. I barely leave the house. The area is not a very friendly place and there are flying monkeys, so no friends IRL. Not to mention my entire family is cut-off due to their crazy BS. My marriage is totally screwed up and abusive...etc.

Maybe this is a tall order...

Maybe I'm truly selfish for asking.

But I hope you'll all stick with me as I navigate out of this. I want to be free to live my life without fear, without my own persecution. Hell, without the persecution of others when I can damn well help it. I feel welcome here. I'm so lucky that you'll talk to me or put up with me... its weird in a good way. I want to succeed. At the things that I was so scared of. To tell those old thoughts and old negative influences to f*** off and that I CAN learn and do these things! That these jackasses aren't so kinda f***ing gods among men like their crazy BS has touted. That maybe there really is hope for me at the end of this long tunnel.

But most of all. I want to help others. I want to support those who've been so damn kind to me. I feel indebted to such kindness. Maybe one day I'll be able to pay it back, but why the hell am I keeping score, anyway?! Friends are just friends and support each other when they can. Like how a real family should be.

Perennial Frustration

First of all, I want to say that I'm not upset with you guys. If anything the kindness I've seen already from here and the cute and meaningful gifts mean more than the random crap I'll be receiving later today IRL. The words, the pics, art, and support. They mean more to me.

On this type of day, I'm usually pretty down or disassociating. The weather is nice, very much the early onset of summer. But for many reasons, I feel like hell. I've been silent about it but there's a lot of mind games that go on around this time. Gaslighting me to find out what I want, playing off frustration and growling as him "breathing weird". Lordy, this kid's got issues. Asking me what I want, and then when I reply I'm told, "No. What do you want thats fun and whateverthef***theysaid." So...okay. I can't think of anything. And its obvious they sh*t on my spiritual beliefs and pretty much who I am in general.

Narcissistic gift giving at its finest. I told him that I wanted some stuff related to my spirituality. Nope. Bad. Wrong. The other day I told my psych that I was uncomfortable with him mentioning all this stuff about organic "facts"- including saying my soda was poison. Like. seriously. C'mon. You don't say that kinda sh*t to people. Its not good for you, that's for sure. But I get sick of the food cult kinda thing going on with that stuff. And the shaming if you don't take part in that lifestyle. However... I wanted to get him a gift because of a certain tradition I follow. I picked up some gourmet organic chocolates from a country he had an affinity for. See. Not so bad! I don't agree with some of his beliefs, but I still support him and am thankful to have him as my psych. I acknowledge and accept our differences.

Whereas if I were of the typical variety that has occurred in my life, I would've twisted reality and made him a bad person for thinking different things. That I was superior for my superior beliefs. Which is bullsh*t. Then rewrote him completely. That...sounds like it takes a lot of time and energy. No wonder a lot of the ones I've dealt with were also lazy AF. Besides the constant need to prove how wonderful they are. They also seem to personally love making things harder for everyone and themselves.

Acknowledging differences in a healthy way is so important. You gotta know your boundaries on that. What will you be able to tolerate, what is considering a deal breaker? Oh, and boundaries aren't the spaces between which compartmentalization exists or manufactured personalities.

I'm really frustrated. Wish I'd just get given money or a gift card rather than play this stupid game. Heck, if I could choose kindness instead of gifts! I'd totally go for that! I honestly feel nothing towards the IRL sh*t today. Totally gone. Like I said previously... I'm happy with the little fort celebration for Storm. And the words here and there. Will try to reply to things today, but I'm lucky if I don't sleep the entire day or hide.

@CaloenasNicobarica

Hey Cal... I'm somehow really ashamed for never have been here before, well, as I read your whole diary just now I realized I have read some of your posts, but somehow never said anything, well, I'm having a hard time with 'having the right to say anything', but ok, I'm putting that aside for now... Cause I consider you a friend here, in our blanket fort, you're one of the people who keep me fighting, who help me through my mess... So I just wanted to let you know that I care for you and I'm somehow quite insecure about what to say, hm... I only know you from our little hidden place, but there I got to know you as an outstanding strong person, with an awesome sense of humour and a great ability to cheer everybody up... I appreciate you a lot, Cal... Ok, now I'm shaking pretty badly... Hope you don't mind me popping in here... Sending you lots of love and hugs 💕

Won't even bother titling this entry.

Just wanted to say that after a lot of processing and pretty much being stuck in bed for a few days, startin' to feel a bit better. Thanks for reading and your support. Uh...

Tonight is a full moon. A lot of energy. A lot of thinking. Things coming to fruition. Been interested in more things lately. Like girly stuff. Maybe being able to paint my nails not crappily one day. But more importantly, pondering what I do want. I got a new phone recently due to my old one being on its last legs. Something told me that within the time of having this phone, not past its final shutdown... I'd be out of this situation. So...phones usually last 3~4 or so years for me, maybe 2~3 with these newer ones. Makes sense. With the timeline for my graduation date falling about at that point.

Been thinking about that. The things I want to do. The fears in my way. But for some reason, like my garaged car... they remind me that there is a tomorrow. A future after all this. And that is really damn empowering. Feelin' really weak lately, so it doesn't seem like it. But more and more I think I'm gonna keep trying harder and harder. Doing a little more each time. Til I can function efficiently. I don't want to run myself into the ground. But I do feel like I'm too lazy. Too cowardly. Freedom awaits.

Here. A weird thing for no reason. (/ ◡ ‿ ◡)/ ~ ┻━┻ In such a weird mood right now. XD

A Lonely Beltane

On days like this, I feel really alone. Uhm, I haven't really been open about my spirituality or that kinda thing on here since there are rules and whatnot. But I do celebrate the solstices and that kind of thing. Today marks May Day or Beltane. A time to celebrate fertility, joy, vitality, dispersal of negative energy, and the blessing of nature.

Today, I don't really have much to celebrate properly. Have some flowers from my birthday, might venture into the backyard to pick some of the purple flowers out there. Put a few drops of Frankincense EO into a water-filled vessel on the stove. Not really anyone to celebrate with. Which saddens me. This is such a vibrant time. But my beliefs are constantly denied or sneered at by the one I live with. And as of yet, I haven't made any IRL friends who practiced or viewed customs like this that had their sh*t together. It was hard enough tryin' to find decent Christian friends! ...not to mention the people who bullied me relentlessly were of a similar spirituality as I am now. So anything around here they'd be all over it like flies on...well... y'know.

Have a heavy heart today. Psych canceled my appointment for tomorrow. Already nearly a month since I've seen him. Frustrated. The house is a right mess and I get no help from creepy McCreepington. Uhm, on the positive side I contacted my university about changing advisors and clearly stated my issues and needs. Still gotta hear back from them. Avoided the call I had today with the very unempathetic one I've had. WTF do I have to say? He'll just grill on me. F*** it. It'll interfere with what little productivity I have if I listen to his BS.

I plan on celebrating today the best I can. Joyfully considering the blessings I do have, and the verdant future to come. A new start and new love eventually. If anything, I've found a kind of love here with all of you as my friends. LOL Now I'm all sappy and teary-eyed. Even though we might have completely different spiritual or religious beliefs...or none... it would be cool to simply have a picnic on this day together.

This thought came to me just now: "There is too much to love..."