Symbol of Rebellion

Pressure

Been kinda low lately, in a weird way I'm doin' better. Able to be on here and somewhat reply. Have been able to take measures with things like self-care a bit better. Yoga targeted towards trusting in yourself, overcoming self-doubt. Maintaining my appearance a bit more. Doing the little things for me so I can be better on here and at my university/career stuff.

Decided to walk into a chat today and had a decent time of it. Learned a lot, a lot of support. But near the end, I was triggered and had to leave. Actually ended up crying which is rare for me. There was this grounding exercise which was lead by someone I don't have any qualms with. But I missed a prompt thing because of all the text flying by. I mean 30 f***ing people. X_X; And then I got called out on it because I mentioned something someone said and got told to focus. I shut down. Felt sick. Started crying. Could not continue. And left. I feel really violated. It links back to when I was little Pigeon and she was called out by the teacher angrily for something she didn't even know she did. Humiliated. The brunt of the anger to the adult and the derision of her peers. That kinda thing kept happening to me throughout life.

It still happens to me to some extent. Like the thing with the shitty advisor and some other incidents. Not to mention my mentally unstable spouse, my ex-family and well...everyone practically. I've learned a bit more, became less feral so to speak. But I felt like I transformed into Little Pigeon. I keep shovin' back my tears, my feelings in order to gogogo, do the thing. Which makes shit worse. Then I keep disassociating. I look at the clock and its 2. Next time its 4. Feels like a minute or two has passed.

The chat thing was so overwhelming. I can barely deal with the fort sometimes, but I'm getting used to everyone nowadays. So that number was too much for me. I would really not recommend it if you're an empath. Because there were a lot of people barging in there and just instant drama and freaking out about closing their account. Which I mean- we've all thought about it. And I get that. But I hate how they just walk in and demand to be the center of attention when there's a discussion going on. Yeah, it was open support stuff- but still... it was too much for me. I probably won't touch that for awhile, honestly. I'm thankful for going because I did learn valuable things and there were great people... but this feeling of being violated right now is not cool. I'll probably become less bothered by it and not hold it against the other person eventually... can't expect everyone to walk on eggshells and know your triggers/mind.

Also discovered that body memories are starting to crop up. I can't sleep next to SO due to some abusive BS he pulled on me in the past(and current BS), so last night the memory came in feeling the way I did when that crazy BS happened. Frightened, anxious, shaking, heart feeling like a panic attack was on the horizon, no sleep due to that fear. I'm worn out today. The day is pretty much done and I have adulting stuff to do in the evening. Gotta get dat foodz. Gotta learn how to stop shovin' everything away. Because that is the f***ing entire reason why I am where I am. And I f***ing don't wanna be here anymore. (Referring to my warped state of mind, not leaving 7cups or you folks behind)

Ballad of the Unappreciated Housewife

Little by little stuff is getting done. For a few days I skipped out on chores and nothing got done. This added to my stress and got to the point where the house was in an utterly crappy state and SO did nothing. Just comes home, sits on couch, nothing. Doesn't even pick up after himself or offer to help me around the house. He barely does his own laundry- and that's after a month or so of it piling up. Never cleans his own shower. Or the cat box. Or tends to the leaky faucets. It's a f***ing disaster. Get to the point where I want to just freakin' cry. Because he heaps this stuff onto me and tries to force me into dealing with his own garbage. Which I don't do everything anymore. I set the boundary of tending to what I need to. And less of his sh*t, that's for sure. Symbolic of the way things are with him. Frustrating.

Today, I've spent time veggin' out and not doing any chores til later. Also scheduled an appointment with my hair stylist later this month. Worked on my paper and categorizing sections to make it more approachable to write logical chunks for the aforementioned areas. In awhile I plan on meditating, giving thanks, and whatever else.

Mn. About that phone call that happened the other day. Feel like I sounded like a nut-case afterward. X_X; I kept on saying stuff to the guy about how I have a condition that I need to see doctors for multiple times a month, and that I'm trying so hard to get healthy because I don't want to be like this anymore. ...f***in' scary cuz I poured myself out to him. He was super supportive, though. Told me that he's here to help and wants to see me walkin' down the stairs at graduation. ...but I feel dishonest about things. Like.. "condition"...probably sounds like I have cancer. lol My psych said I could mention it this way, though. That I have a "condition". A condition that interferes with my everyday life and makes it hard to operate, like I told the gentleman. Not saying I have C-PTSD/Social Anxiety/Depression/etc.

But I will say that I...kinda lied about something. A white lie used commonly in societal norms. Brushing aside the truth and emotion for ease of function. When mentioning my advisor type person, I simply parrotted the damage control statements the ADA department said. That he was "too assertive". Uhm. Truth is- the guy was a rude AF d-bag. But I kept on saying he was too assertive and "not a bad guy". Hah, just goes to show you... I was the only one who transferred from this fellow's "care". The other people that go to my school go for hittin' a checkbox. Not exactly learning. Memorization, bragging, not looking over material they "already know". While someone like me who is coming there to actually learn is unheard of. Its a place designed for professionals to get a quick degree while working. But I happen to be using it as something you learn from! A heretic, I know!

My advisor made me feel like it was always the end of the academic term! But then I have around half of it left! WTFF. Don't even get me started about the constant degrading BS he pulled. But it's easier for operational purposes to say he was a "decent guy". HAH. Screw this. I feel wrong. Having to hide the truth yet again. Pretending some m-f***er is "decent" or "good. This happens too many damn times. I hate these societal niceties. So bassackwards.

Chamomile Tea

Just woke up from an interesting dream. Prepare for weird dream interpretation.

I was going on a journey with SO and there was some classic era Three Kingdoms stuff going. In my own dream I woke up and was exiting the chamber of a warlord, somehow I ended up wounded on my arm and continued to hide that was I made my way out of the castle and past the guards. Then I went out this gate where it went directly from feudal era stuff to modern times. A mall type place where there was a convenience store attached. The convenience store was ran by Bowser! The evil lizard dude from the Mario games. XD Bought something relating to New Year's and left to the rest of the mall. There was a fortune-telling booth, I wanted to get my fortune read but I censored myself because SO didn't believe in those things and walked on while looking at it desperately. We ended up walking through this music store and he commented something about this new CD being a re-release or something. Walking on, there was a salon-type place. I was saying something and he then turned into an amorphous blob and escaped while me and the store people tried to rush after him. He kept rushing to this attic. This happened three times. Then I left the area, he came home. He crossed a boundary with me during intimacy and I stopped him and said no. He ran off yet again, loudly telling me he was going. I remember feeling like, WTF am I going to do- but then realized that I somehow have to make this work now on my own. It was scary but I kept my head straight the best I could.

Another part of that dream I just remembered was being with my old relatives on my biological mom's side. Something involves this parasitic worms and them trying to cook something but not listening to me about the worms. Blarg. Barfy.

It was a very striking dream. I did EMDR yesterday so I wonder if that has something to do with it? I think I'll analyze this a bit more after I wake up properly.

Been in observation mode around the forums on here. No one's offended me or anything, don't worry! Just pondering a lot lately and keep hitting the reply button but then having trouble writing or posting anything. X_X;

Cal I need you to tag me in you know what as I can't find it since commenting this morning and I have something to contribute now!!!!!

Haz a tired.

I stayed up last night past 2 or 3 in the morning. Chilled with Calm for awhile. That's not the thing that made me not able to sleep or anything. SO was at he usually BS again which interrupted my schedule. I have kindly asked him to not take his 2~3 hour bathroom occupations late at night due to me having to do a little ritual to wind down(which does NOT take that long). He's even adopted this weird practice of working out in the bathroom. By the Divine this kid ain't right. Don't get me wrong, I do short exercises before I take a bath...but he's SLAMMING around in there doing an ab routine. I don't even...e_e; He even lied to me when I asked him about all the racket. Point blank I asked him another time and he was out with it. *sighs*

I've been improving my life little by little and I get the feeling he's all insecure about that so trying to compensate. Confided in me that he felt like sh*t and that's why. ....y'know...being in total denial, living on the couch, and playing pretend to the point of near DID status will do that to you I guess. Not to mention, anxiety, depression. Stuff I mentioned earlier, which I cannot mention and gets denied heavily. I feel really alone when I'm here. Not on 7c. But at home day to day. Been asking for stuff, like him washing his dishes. Only to get overturned by his "superior logic". He's also interfering with washing clothes- which has taken him MONTHS to do and he keeps saying he'll get to it. I do my own stuff and towels. But he's finding ways to be more obnoxious. Predictable, since I'm getting stronger and stronger each day.

I feel cynical and unpleasant lately. Voldemom's day is tomorrow. Makes me sick. I've just kept trying to not think about it. Might post some stuff later to barf out the negative stuff that's been floating around in my head. How similar my biological mom and MIL is. Two different flavors of the same BS. SO wanted me to play nice-nice with MIL because she doesn't have any friends. Uhno. It's because she's a crazy b*tch! She sh*t talks everyone except her little cult. ...took FREAKING YEARS to figure that out. Now I'm comfortable saying it in this Pigeon-y skin.

Tryin' to be all angry...am angry...

but I'm crying because I wanna go to the zoo with someone who'd be like a mom to me...

too old, though. sad.

It feels like my body is coming back to where I had stopped living ages ago, which is ground-breaking. Ready to start living again, I guess.

can't even look at animal pictures right now with a mom and its babies. start to cry.

It's been a dragging kinda day.

One of those typical early summer days with the sound of lawnmowers, the rays of the sun, and that balmy warmth making an appearance. A lot still kickin' around in my mind. Enjoying some late night coffee right now. Complete with tartlets and a caramel bunny. Opera softly playing in the background with the whir of the fan pushing cold air through the house.

Doing some technical writing for my next course. On a subject I've been meaning to study. Will def have to do some reading. Organized a list with each task to be done and at what stage. Shouldn't be too difficult, just need to focus when I can.

My mind is rather stubborn, it pushes away feelings, sensations, memories for the body to deal with instead. So my mind will be completely ignorant and then my body is overtaken with emotions that make their way to my head very slowly. Disassociation. This coping mechanism that has no use for me anymore. Hmn, the little house panther is taking up residence near my feet. Anyway, around certain dates and holidays it becomes more pronounced. This year it certainly has. "It will get worse before it gets better." A truth I'd rather ignore, thank you.

Y'know... that creature who disguises herself as some sweet, caring church lady but is actually an angry, petulant ....mn... it's not lady-like to say such things... she doesn't call me around this time of year. It's near July-ish. Maybe because of her birthday or something? Usually drunk. This trashed regret. The last time I tried talking to her to finally tell her to back off, she didn't even bother getting back to me after years of not seeing/hearing from me. ...she really is an idiot. Haven't bothered since. A Sisyphean effort dealing with that creature, really.

I wanna get past these things that have haunted me. The best revenge is being able to stand up again on your own two feet.

Enmeshment

Been trying to NOT think today, but I need to get my thoughts together because later is gonna be a difficult time for me considering the circumstances. So, enmeshment. There are other names for this. But I don't wanna trigger anyone too badly, Lord knows today we all have our own sh*t to deal with. Essentially, enmeshment is when someone is completely emotionally bound to someone. It would be silly to think that someone isn't enmeshed because they don't live with someone or whatever. You can look totally functional and be completely enmeshed and simply an extension of that person. How does this relate to boundaries?

Very loosely, having boundaries can be considered the opposite of enmeshment. Enmeshment is also when someone lacks proper boundaries that define their very self. I mentioned it previously, that boundaries are meant to define where we begin and where we end. Someone enmeshed has no concept of this. They have effectively been swallowed by the other individual, entity, or even group. A key point is surrendering your values, thoughts, actions, and life to the person you're enmeshed with. Disentangling from the enmeshment- which is confused with love, is often viewed as close to death.

This takes on many forms. A mother and son. A codependent relationship. The congregation and its flock. What have you. There are many forms of it. I personally have dealt with enmeshment on many levels. With my mother, with my husband before I realized what was going on. Maybe others. Typically, it starts early on in the formative years and is a repeated pattern throughout life. But it's also common to be attached to the same person for rest of an enmeshed person's life.

One of the reasons why I'm writing this today besides the fact it's Voldemom's day is because someone I deal with on a daily basis is engulfing themselves in the petulant womb of their own abusive mother. When they come back it is as if they are cursed in the old world notion. The Boundaries book explains this very well, and I know I post this a lot but it is accurate!

Especially, when you're dealing with enmeshment in the family and directly to a parent- it's not uncommon for the enmeshed to revert to a child-like state. Disturbingly so. I've seen SO go back into surrogate parent mode for MIL so many times. And my own mother always told me that I'd forever be her "baby". I never grew up in her mind. She even went so far as to break into a house to retrieve pictures of my childhood but would not even help me when I was homeless and starving at the time. I was also a surrogate parent to my mother, who is permanently stuck trying to find her father through very carnal means with lines of men.

Breaking from enmeshment is possible. I got away from my mother and began claiming my own thoughts and feelings. Hearing my own needs and what my inner self was telling me. And currently, I am exiting this relationship with an enmeshed individual who never knew what love is and probably will never have the capacity to. The main thing is getting out of denial. Your self is worth it.

Before I end this, here's a short and sweet little article about what a relationship with a mother and her son looks like through the enmeshment lense. https://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/mother-enmeshed-men-what-causes-it

For reason everything looks a little different today.

My body is reacting to the aftermath of yesterday.

My innards are twitching, I feel nausea, on the verge of crying. Have cried a few times. In the back of my throat it feels like I'm about to throw up constantly. I wish he wouldn't have come home today. Spent most of the day in bed. The "just trying to help" sh*t he pulls is something that's really hard to describe and just plain crazy. It equates to "helping" by manipulating and barely meeting any needs but then touting that whiny "I was JUST trying to help!". The whole relationship is based off of that phrase. Because Nice Guy syndrome/ covert narcy-stuff. Help the lesser one to feel better about yourself and be made a hero, but then keep them in constant suspension! "Just trying to help" in a nutshell. Living out the enmeshed fantasy of "helping" that he had with mommy. Priceless in it's utter levels of disgust.

Right now I need my m-f***in' space. I feel really sick. And if I seek any support it opens me up to attack IRL. Not from my psych or anything, but from this genderbent Misery clone. That look when I'm questioned constantly by them and then finally snap. Like I'm crazy. Wow, years of brainwashing will do that to you, I guess. I gotta remember to not waste my time on negligent psychopaths. My whole body is reeling.

Was gonna go shopping today, but not like this. Bearing wounds like this in public is not a good idea. Might work on my paper. Feel weak and in between passing out and insomnia. On the verge of panic. And if someone tells me to just breathe I'll probably be sharpening my claws. Wish I woulda kept that psych appointment for this week, but I moved it to next week. Think maybe I should call him. ...just sent off an e-mail about talking to him before my appointment... wonder if he'll be able to. I want all of this to end. But the fact of the matter is I have to MAKE it end.

Shopping with Pigeon

*starts making list*

Lessee.... Foodz.

Uhh. Ramenboo.

Milkboo.

Kitty treats.

*insert something randomly obscene sounding here that has no meaning for no reason*

Curry roux.

Cheesecacke

*rest of the list is normal*

*randomly a picture of a bird*

This concludes shopping with Pigeon. A slice of life look into a Pigeon's life.

Shopping with Pigeon: Actually Shopping

*insert long ritual of getting ready for leaving here*

*leaves*

"Woo! No bathroom breaks because of nervous stomach stuff."

*does some shopping stuff and looking around like a *gasp* normal person*

*keeps on making overly Freudian commentary to SO and slapping her knees laughing at things with sausage in the name, sometimes drawing the attention of customers*

"Oh, would you like some corndogs?" "Nah, I'm good." *imitates Freud's accent* "I see. So you are over that then..."

"LOLOLOLOL Look at this packaging AHAHAH!!! This guy's face is on it looking all majestic and it says short sausages! LOLOLOL"

*acquires some roses*

SO: "Oh! Look who is getting all these things bought for her by someone who really LOVES her."

Me: *slight pause* "Ah yes, the man I'm having an affair with." *grins...PEOPLE STARE*

SO: *dead pan*

*at checkout decides to donate to the children's hospital, writes Salvador Dali instead of her name*

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It seems I'm channeling Mae West as of late.