Symbol of Rebellion

Um.

Multiple things.

Thought I might've seen a PI outside the other day, some guy was asking about this house and prying information out of the neighbors about it. Think they might've went into our yard for some reason, too. C_C; WTF If they set up surveillance shi*t...I don't even... gonna just leave it as whatever. Still...it's around momster's day of being tossed out of her malevolent portal. Though...who knows.

When I went to therapy I had to sit with some angsty teenager shortly, didn't think anyone was in the room and I was running late. When the kid went in for his appointment he mumbled something snotty about me. X_X; So if you act slightly societally different you get called "retarded", beautiful. Well. Whatever. I hate running into f***ing creeps in the waiting room. Got enough stuff to deal with.

*sighs* I discussed my living situation at therapy last time. And I wanted to clarify what my psych thought of SO. He got very grave. How SO has all these huge red flags for domestic abuse(or worse) That he's this messed up still and he's around my age, which means he probably won't change ever(which I already figured out long ago). He's obviously very concerned. I calmly listened to him, and quietly noted that I have to strengthen my resolve.

Wonder what I'll glean from the call tomorrow?

Ever since that EMDR to face what happened at my previous job with the bullying and humiliation- my body hasn't been feeling right. All these odd headaches. Tried some mindfulness stuff, but that didn't help. I feel weird. Like I'm barely awake or even here. Kinda similar to waking up in the morning and having to run your ass to school in time. Just doing the motions and when you stop for a short while, you feel like sleeping the rest of the day regardless of where you are.

I slept the entire day away today, but I still feel totally drained. As if that rest meant nothing to my body or mind. What in the devil is this? I need to get this resolved quickly. Hope psych has some answers tomorrow.

Blarf.

Main doctor closed up shop. Now I have to schedule something with a new one. X____X; All the info on my insurance's site is derpy and people are not even there anymore. Some weren't even accepting any new patients. Had to do this intake thing over the phone- omg. But the lady was nice enough. *sighs* Amped up nerves with phone call stuff. ...and then I have to wait for the approval thing. X____X; Who knows how long that'll take? Might look for another one since my prescription runs out soon. Blarf, I don't know. Feel like they might not accept me with my psychological issues....I don't know. But I know I'm not gonna use the previous clinic I called because they laughed when I asked if that doctor was there or not. C_____C;

Horp.

I don't know anymore. Some clinics stay unchanged for ages, while it seems like the things I run into get dismantled constantly. Gets a bit frustrating. I also dislike the fact they keep trying to suggest male doctors to me, but I know they're just trying to be helpful. ...just...I don't wanna break any bones since I have to have a lady's health exam. X____X; Totally uncool after everything to have a male doctor for that. Anything not as sensitive, I'm cool about it. ...But....O__O;Hrrg, think I'll try calling other places again tomorrow. I feel all ramped up today.

Leader

Past midnight now. Been programming for awhile tonight. Feelin' better. Blasting some tunes through these delicious headphones. Managed to complete the second course in the series done by Google for Android development. <3 Breezing right through them. Tried to read my self-help stuff but my headaches were really bad so I couldn't focus. Plan on reading them tonight sometime. Got some other stuff up my sleeve.

Oh... uh...neglected my little rituals to dispel projections and send them back to their source. Amidst the fierce headaches, I managed to do it and reconnect with my spirituality. Dayum. Gotta keep that up. lol Think I wouldn't be here otherwise tonight! 'specially not finishin' that programming project. Mn... this is gonna be weird to say- but that day when all the sh*t hit the fan I was amazed at how well my makeup stayed on since I slept in it. Used Northy's tips. Was like O__O; must do this more often(not sleeping in my makeup lol). Hmn.

Wanted a Coke. Mrowr. They have these little phrases on them. I really felt drawn to the one that said Leader. There's this ongoing dark joke in my household- I never give the person who I'm staying with one that says Soulmate. Usually Tailgater or something unrelated to being extraordinary. XD TBH, I'm more a foreign exchange student right now. C____C;

...And...I saw some really arrogant chick in a tricked-out(read gaudy) car with a smirk and thought about how they were perfect fodder for a murder in one of my murder mysteries. I keep on getting this feeling welling up inside of me to write a female Jack the Ripper. A very domme chick, but unfortunately something close to what I could have become. We're just a few steps close to our shadow. A lot of my writings are usually from a devil's or murderer's perspective. At best, an anti-hero. ...wow, can't tell I've been a scapegoat, huh? Hmn.

Another thing. I'm successfully growing out my nails and not chewing them. They're the longest they've ever been. O_O; Blorf, I have square nails. A lot of guys have nicer nails than me. lol Feel like filing them down and maybe using those acrylic ones?

The next post will be about St. Anthony the Great and his struggle with demons.

Back to the Hyrule themed IDE I have now.

Day of Babylon

I keep wanting to touch my face after that beauty mask I used. It said it had rose essence, but in all actuality the facemask material is actually these petals you put on your face. O___O; They smell really good, but I had a h*** of a time figuring the damn thing out. XD Especially since it was dark and hard to see the pieces of the mask. lol Ehhh... sometimes I wish I had a mother/relative to share these things with- or a friend here offline.

Tried to ignore this anniversary date as well, but it's not eluding me. Not sure why I remember the wretched birthing creature's day of portal departure. Hrrg. Feel like crying. Am glad that they didn't call like they usually do. However, that leaves me a little frightened. I'm also worried about that silly doctor's appointment and them not getting back to me yet- kinda freaked but I need to call them tomorrow. One of the doctors there was a family doctor that I've met before. Luckily, it's not them I might be seeing for my appointment. My hope is that she's already gone from this world.

Can't help remembering the dynamics between family members and every enabling friend they had. Everything perpetuated as they were selfishly caught in them. Lives destroyed. Who cares? Keep up the facade and act your part. It sickens me. They had everyone convinced they were this magical "good person" and that this ratty child was somehow evil that was simply trying to figure things out. It's no surprise I got caught in these dynamics again...*sighs* Over a decade sick from all of this. Not even able to get out of bed, too scared to do anything. Now I'm dealing with my own phone calls and actively doing stuff around the house. Going to school, though it feels like I can do better. ...feels like I have wasted so much time. Selfishly caught in that trap of wanting to be cared for. Rescued. By my "safe person". I don't think I ever healed until this year or so- when I truly started realizing things and being forced to look at these dynamics.

Feels like I went into St. Anthony's tower in the middle of the desert willingly. For those of you that don't know or want more information, check out this article on it. https://notesfromstillsong.blogspot.com/2012/11/on-battling-demons-st-anthonys.html Pretty interesting stuff. Was gonna write a full post on that, but got distracted with this anniversary...morp. Not sure what I want to do today. X___X;

Desk Panther

Got a rude awakening today.

Been avoiding that douchey advisor's e-mails of passive-aggressive guilt/shame. Then today, the day after I was sick all night and it was a PTSD anniversary kind of thing...he texts me from his cell phone.

This meme with an angry old lady pointing at a clock and telling me to get things done- telling me that the course I had to work on was an "easy pass". He even put my name on it, so I know it wasn't simply automated bullsh*t. This is getting to be harassment at this point. Never had any of my previous advisors done such a thing. And I cannnot tell you how many e-mails I've gotten about on time progress and how I need to keep going after I told the mfer I'm sick and probably won't be finishing this last class due to health issues. The last class is a lot of info to process- reading and drilling tests...

But my agoraphobia kicked up and I can't take the exam because I'd probably just trip out because I have to go to a testing center and the closest one is the college where all the BS went down and is not a safe environment for me. I'd have to go like 2 or three hours away to go to an actual test center that wasn't a college. Of course, I didn't tell him these gory details- I merely mentioned that my health is getting in the way of completing these things. Seems like he believes there's no real problem and I'm just being lazy. ...which is funny, because in the actual amount of time- about a month and a half, I got started on programming courses and finished two of them with completed projects. These weren't involved with school- these are for my actual career thing and I don't have to go to the creepy ass college where I met the guy who sexually assaulted me for my end project. I'm sure he's long gone, but PTSD is funny like that. And the social anxiety since I was subjected to much scrutiny there and flunked out of that college due to homelessness and my f***ed up family. A lot of my teachers there weren't really on good terms with me since they thought I was a punk. lol I hate them.

Feel really sick... hear those snappy bugs flying around outside. Not even sure I can get feel better enough to do the programming I've wanted to. Was gonna call the doctor today, which I think I will still do...but if I can't...y'know...whatever. In a few days, I think I'm going to speak with the school directly because I truly feel this is getting to a point where he's trolling me/harassment. I stated what's going on, only to have him steamroll boundaries. This is so f***ed up. Considering the f***ed up stuff I deal with at home already.

I have done something I deeply regret lately.

...I tried to avoid speaking about a problem and resolve it in the shadows.

When I deal with this everyday, I realize how frustrating that can be to others. I'm also ashamed that I did it myself. Between trying to find the balance of speaking up and not rocking the boat for no good reason, it can be difficult to know exactly what I should say to get my feelings out there. But now I'm wondering, what was the best possible solution? I was deeply triggered, twice no less in a short span and spiraled into this shame/guilt thing. Angry, frustrated, confused, trying to figure things out. Tried talking it out with someone objectively. But maybe it wasn't a good idea simply because I was trying to play out a dynamic? Socially, I really have a hard time discerning what should be done. Not to mention the gaslighting I still do to myself as remnants of abuse.

Either way, I feel isolated even moreso as I try to figure this sh*t out. Feel like things are starting to crumble and my thoughts are turning Machiavellian slightly. Maybe deeply cynical is the best way to put it since normally I have a tendency towards cynicism.

Not only that. I feel that my diary is not a safe space to express myself anymore. Because my own issues and everyday problems are just whining, it seems. "Just do the thing already." X_X; Afraid it'll happen again. But, in the end, they're just words. I think people are tired of me- well, whatever. I get that people just want to help. But there's this saying. "The road to hell is paved with good intentions."

Found a variation of that saying that is pretty interesting. "Hell is full of good meanings, but heaven is full of good works."

I'm thankful for the friendships I've made on here, but something that needs to be kept in mind is that things are rather fluid. They won't always be the same. Even lately offline I've been asserting more of my thoughts on difficult issues, but with someone that hides and makes excuses. I don't wanna be like that. And I need to work harder to remember that being open about things is essential to healthy functioning and relationships. Being open in a way that's not confrontational. But also able to know when I should speak up.

Either way, things happened.

I don't know.

Here's a damn pufferfish for no reason.

Kinda neglected this for a couple days! Will reply to comments soon.

Uh...went out today. C_____C;

Went to beach. Saw the kitties that live amongst the rocks there. They have little houses and feeding/water stations for them. Looked at the ocean, even went shopping in a few places. MROWR. Did okay. People were nice. Poink. Took pictures of various seagulls and pigeons.

OHHHHH! ....and this...found the designer chocolates at this old candy shop that used to have only taffy! Now they have wonderful chocolates and metal goth statues there. The lady was super nice. They also have the "mom candy". Saltwater taffy, and the nostalgic candies. Been dying to try this brand specifically for their animal collection! <3 Nearly freaked out with joy when I saw them. Oh! They are truffles.

Chocolate Lab, Chocolate Bunny, Peanut Butter Clownfish, and Strawberry. ...the other fruit chocolates were way more close to the actual item, especially the peach. But the lady recommended the strawberry, so it'll be wonderful to try. I also got a peanut butter cup, peanut butter chocolate fudge bar, and a turtle. Mrowr.

HORP, SEAGULLS. One is sitting, the other standing. Yeah... my camera wasn't so hot with the natural light today. But it illustrates the kind of place I was at. XD I also watched a pigeon walk behind a building.

Hmn, socialized, went out... shopped. Guess it was okay. Didn't feel all persecutedboo. Hoink.

Bonus. Here's my pluffy white cat in his little fort.

A few moments with a pigeon: Scheduling an Appointment

Pigeon: *stares at number on website after hours of researching what doctor to go to* ...... *looks over at phone* O_______O;;;;

*Phone rings - random telemarketer*

*Both her and the cat look wide-eyed at the phone, waiting for it stop*

Pigeon: ...Hmrnm. *considers doing something else before attempting call*

Hours and hours later.

*looks over at phone with high-anxiety like a cat who haz a realize*

Pigeon: "Let's try calling tomorrow..." O____O;;

Trauma and Societal Standards

Was having a long think while chillin' with my cat and drinking some milk tea before bed. Been thinking about how people who have survived early or life-long trauma have such difficulties with the little things like societal standards. Whether it be learning how to socialize normally, body language, self-care, appearance, etc. For some reason we didn't learn that or pick up on it. And there was no need to due to our situation or something.

That's why I'm such a late start at makeup and this kinda sh*t with hair. I can't even put my hair in a ponytail without it looking terrible. XD But I also suck royally at makeup. It's terrible. What's worse is when you're learning but no one has the guts to tell you what's wrong, instead just laughing at you or whatever. I kept getting insulted for my makeup, and sometimes I still do. Apparently, we must laugh at anything that's different. You have to be perfect at these things or else, it seems. X_X; I know that's going too far, but it feels that way. You feel persecuted. I still struggle with putting on merely foundation or lipstick. Part of me lately is leaning towards practicing makeup at home and then going bare-faced when I go out. Completely opposite of what I have been doing. Or my hair, which my treatment of has improved.

It seems like everything is under judgment. Why should anyone be put towards the standards of some movie star? It's pretty sick. Maybe it's ONLY my social anxiety and history with this stuff, but it seems so damn Sisyphean sometimes. Like you're never good enough, and each attempt is meant to be mocked. Okay- going down a real dark road here. But Byron-esqe brooding aside... I have never felt compelled to laugh at people for that kind of thing. Sometimes I feel cynical and if someone is trying to be very eye-catching I avoid looking at them. lol But it feels as if this sadistic audience has some secret piece of information that we weren't privy on receiving and their very superiority hinges on the fact they withhold this information.

...maybe it was simply love?

If being "loved" has you turn out to be a haughty jackass, I don't want it.

There's this really interesting article that expands on a passage from the Tao Te Ching about societal standards and beauty. I highly suggest reading this as right now I'm using it to re-center. It speaks of embracing our own beauty because standards are fleeting.

https://www.walking-the-way.com/styled-3/index.html