Things will only get better they said.
Been feeling like this the last two days. Had a major panic attack last night which resulted in an explosion of uncontrolled rage.
I targeted the wrong people who least deserved this. So obviously I feel guilty now even though I know they are understanding and loving still.
I should be at work already. Instead I am still in my pjs not feeling up to the day at all.
Note to self:
After different doctor appointments this morning I arrived at work. Instant panic attack.
I don't know what to tell them. I called in sick last week and wanted to do the same today. I don't know why I am here anyway
The old is gone and I haven't seen how it's all going to come back together yet. It will never be what it once was.
I am not fragile. No, I am freaking bad ass for walking through this. It takes time to be put together. So I give myself grace and compassion for this season, however long it will last.This is not the time to judge myself or figure out all of everything. It is just accepting what is and having compassion and patience until I am all the way put back together.
Please remind me when I tend to forget I declared this
@MaschaV
Love your revelation Mas! Hope you've got it somewhere that you can see it and reread it as often as you need to.
@rozie
When I come home tonight I will make a little poster of it and hang it near my bed.
Thanks Rozie!
I think I have learned today why I have a hard time sharing what I really need and feel.
As a child I was punished for showing emotion ever since I was a baby. That was not helpful.
But it made me feel powerful too, because nothing could hurt me. Not emotionally and not physically. I was so above all pain.
It might not make sense but to me this is revelation and I can now work on changing the way I think. This is not the kind of power I need anymore. Although I still enjoy not really experiencing any physical pain. Better prepare myself that that will probably change too.
@MaschaV
Ah yes, putting a mask on all those emotions and burying them away. I wonder what coping skills you have for managing that. Some people bury those emotions with food, alcohol, gambling, etc. Have you found a sticking plaster of your own?
Well done for the revelation Mascha, because its a big one. Maybe its time to get in touch with your emotions. To let the child who was always suppressed find a voice. Are you ready to listen to her?
@DeborahUK
That is a hard question. I don't know how I do it. I was trained to from a young age and I just did it.
I still don't experience physical pain like other people do, I don't know how I do it, I just do it. But there has been a little change there, I did have a headache the other day, And I did experience some body memories. So I guess it is changing.
I am trying to listen to the little ones. I still find it very difficult to express how that makes me feel. But I do want to.
I was thinking about writing a little about growing up but it is harder than I thought but I will try.
My mom is a narcissist and a pathological liar. I was always covering for her going to some major extremes that were very harmful for me. I don't think I had much of a choice. She made me an ally in most of her schemes. She would also lie to me and got away with it while I was left hurting.
When I was 13, I came home from school and someone had messed up. There was this sudden realization that this was my chance to escape and get help, so I ran. I went back to school and told a teacher a little bit of my story. He called my mom and she came to school. She turned the whole story around and made me the evil one that was lying to her teeth.
And he believed her and I was made out to be a liar and attention seeker. I don't think I have ever been so humiliated before (or after).
When we got home my mom made it really clear that I understood that I was a worthless piece of shit that nobody will believe or will ever care about.
It is like she put a big stamp on my forehead that says "Worthless, liar, attention seeker" It is what I feel everyone sees and it is so hard to stand up against it and say "I am hurt and I need help!"
I am so not looking forward to this day and the days to come.
Had maybe 3 hours of sleep so I am lightheaded and tired.
Am taking my kids to the airport in 15 minutes. They are leaving for a month of vacation.
Need to rush to the doctor for some additional (horrible) tests.
Go to work,work late.
A board meeting later tonight that I still have to prepare for
A huge conference starting tomorrow that I am not ready for
My kids are on their way. Will be about 9 more hours now.
My tests are done. I did it!
I am steeling an hour to unwind.
Hope work will be not as bad as I expect.
@MaschaV
You're getting through the day you dreaded Mas. And wow, tests are already out the way! Well done you. Its a short sentence but I know its a huge thing for you, for most people I suspect, and Im so pleased you now have them behind you. Remember how strong you are, facing all you have and all you do. Sending safe hugs to help you through the rest of your day.
@DeborahUK
Thanks! Yes, I am glad that is over. Now I just wait for the results. I have decided not to worry too much. It is not going to change anything other than my mood.
At 22.22 h (10.22pm) my kids landed safely in Curacao. All went well and I had a good sleep last night.
The meeting was not so bad, I was a bit distracted but I think it went okay.
Today and tomorrow is conference day. I will go and check and see how it goes. I might just leave early today and skip tomorrow. We will see.
I have a friend coming to stay with me during the conference. She is a real sweetheart but some time alone sounds tempting.
@agreeableKite4304
I have a question, I just read a comment you made and one particular sentence struck me.
" You are allowed to soothe yourself as long as when you do you dont punish youself for doing what you needed to feel better. "
I don't know why but this confuses me and makes me feel very uncomfortable. Can you explain this a little bit?
It is really interesting how different parts hold different memories on the same subject.They all have a very different view on how and why things happened.
If I pick on instance of something, sorry I am vague, I have different memories about it. That is was not so bad. Or that I was extremely scared. Or that I liked it. Or that I felt powerful.
I don't know what to believe anymore. I don't want to remember. It just adds to feeling like a liar and attention seeker and not worthy.
I can't really tell if this is killing me or making me stronger
@MaschaV
I think that's precisely why they say "That which doesn't kill you makes you stronger." I think it's because you never know in the moment which is happening. But you know that if you can survive it, you'll be stronger.
xx 💪🏼
@singercrystalspirit 💖
I am really scared but I think I really do need to get away a bit and refocus.
There is so many triggers here. In a way that makes me feel alive and it helps to fight for my healing. But there are also a lot of triggers that I am not ready to handle yet. It is very overwhelming and it is hurting me more than it is helping.
Maybe this helps in forcing me to pick up some fun activities or maybe things that are not fun but necessary. Maybe it makes things worse. I don't know. I will find out.
For today I will just push the self care button.
@MaschaV
Yes do take good care of yourself. Sitting here with you.
