Things will only get better they said.
Been feeling like this the last two days. Had a major panic attack last night which resulted in an explosion of uncontrolled rage.
I targeted the wrong people who least deserved this. So obviously I feel guilty now even though I know they are understanding and loving still.
I should be at work already. Instead I am still in my pjs not feeling up to the day at all.
I am having a hard time. I am struggling with feelings of rejection. It hurts so much, I can't handle it well. It hurts not only in my emotions but in my body too. It makes me feel lost. I am trying to reach out but I am expecting rejection so what's the point in reaching out.
It makes me furious inside. I wish I could just stop. But I can't. I have very strong urges to go back to what I know helped even if I know that it will ruin me eventually.
I feel very ungrateful because I have been receiving so much love and support here, from people who are struggling maybe even more than I am and it just does not seem enough.
I am so sorry. I want to stop feeling sorry for myself because it is not helping anyone.
I am honestly thinking that maybe I don't belong here after all and that I am not really of use anyway. Being all selfish.
I see people wording things and receiving support and I get so jealous. I wish I could express what I really need. But I feel I would be imposing and attention seeking.
I really hate myself right now. The least thing I want is to be a burden. And that is what I feel I am. And that has nothing to do with all of you, you are all being awesome. It's me and I am sorry.
And I guess every time I am not expressing what I need adds to feeling rejected and the fear of being rejected and an overall feeling of worthlessness.
@nolongerafraid
You've helped me. 
@singercrystalspirit Thanks Singer, you have helped me too. 💖
I looked up some of the artists that are playing at the festival and I found this guy. I like this song!
The simple things are your blessing. We've got life so lets live
This is him live. Random recording by someone who was there.
I just wrote my mom that I have received her message. She was getting frantic and wanting to know.
I wrote her that I was not happy that she did not talk to me first. That we will see how we work it out. So I did not say yes or no. I have not checked her response but I feel awful.
@nolongerafraid
Mas <3
Well done for standing up for yourself, letting her know that this was not okay. Its so hard to stand up for our self, especially when we feel like doing so hurt others. But you are protecting your self from getting hurt, and you have every righ to do that. <3 Its a really hard situation and im so sorry youre in it, sometimes it feels like all our options are wrong and all lead to some hurt for someone, but im sure you will find something that you can be okay with, even though it hurts.
Sending safe hugs and support <3
Someone just informed me that if you say "rise up lights'" you'll sound just like an australian saying "razor blades"
My life will never be the same.
I don't know why but I can't stop laughing, HAHAHAHA
I don't know how wise it is to write this here but I have nothing to lose I guess.
I am trying really hard to hold on and not give up. But I don't know how to do that anymore.
I have been addicted to (hard)drugs and alcohol and sex for almost 20 years. I did go to rehab for 2 years in between but that was not lasting and turned out to be very damaging.
I quit cold turkey when I was 30, 17 years ago. I can't really explain but it seemed a very easy thing to do and I never looked back. Until now. I have been craving to run back for a while now. I feel completely ridiculous, I have not needed it for so long and now I can't stop thinking about it. I need a break so bad.
To be honest I have started drinking again. Not in the same measure but more than I know I should. I started drinking on occasion, thinking I was okay with that. But now I like drinking when I am by myself too. I am hoping that when I write this down and admit that I have a problem it will get easier to reach out for help when I need it.
I have been doing so well lately and I don't want to throw it all away.
Please don't reply if you have nothing nice to say. I allready know how stupid I am.
@nolongerafraid
I see your bravery in sharing
@nolongerafraid
Its such a big step to admit you have a problem, or at least that you fear falling back into old habits. Well done.
Did you previously follow a programme, such as the AA and their twelve steps? If so, nows the time to return to that. Dont wait until youre further down that path. You can turn it around now Mas. You deserve to treat yourself with kindness and respect, to love and cherish your body. Taking drugs or drinking to excess does not respect your body or your soul. You know that. One day at a time dear friend. Youre not alone.
@DeborahUK thanks Deb. I never went to anything like that.
I guess you are right that I should get help I just find it hard. I hate feeling weak and needy.
On the other hand it does feel good to know I am not alone.
@nolongerafraid
I know you've been doing so well lately Mas. But I also know there's been a lot of stress,and when we're under stress we often look for a way to relieve this.Which may mean going back to old habits, although we know they're not the best for us. Your awareness of this and sharing it here are positives. .. I'm proud of you... its the beginning of change. And of being supported to find a way to deal with this. Here with you.
@nolongerafraid
Mas <3 sending lots of love and safe hugs your way. Admitting the problem, saying it out loud and reaching for help is so strong and brave.
Im so sorry things have been so hard, that everything around here has been so upsetting and then you got the things goving on in your personal life too. You have been so strong and kept giving and giving, fighting the urge to hide, pushing through to be there for the members, that is exhausting. So I think its very understandable, even natural, wanting to catch a break from it all, wanting to numb and escape. There is nothing to judge about that.
But as Deb says, you deserve to treat yourself with kindness, take care of you and your body. Your body and mind deserves healing, and a relapse will not help with that. You have come so far, Mas, and you will go so much further, one day of the time.
Can you try to remember what made you quit in the first place? Maybe you can write down some of those things to remind you? Do you have a list of other things you can do that will give you some break from your thoughs and the feeling of chaos? Will trying to refocus on something outside rather than the feelings inside help?
We are here for you too, Mas, not just for the members. Please keep reaching out, make sure you get the support you need and deserve, here and in the outside world, take care of you. There are many out there going through what you are going through, others that struggle, see if you can connect with them, that way you can have two supportive communities having your back. You are not alone, Mas,
I am really sorry. I feel like I am letting both myself and you down. I am not the strong person I would like to be or thought I was.
I was running different businesses, ministries, started NGO's. Was very succesful in everything I did.
Look at me now? I am a huge mess. Losing everything. All because I trusted someone that came too close and ruined me, tearing my walls down leaving me naked and unprotected.
Here I am finding myself trusting you again. I can't go there anymore. I want my walls back.
My health, my friends, my job, everything I counted on disappears. I feel unreliable and I don't deserve your kindness and trust.
It freaks me out that you all seem to trust me when I can't even trust myself. I don't know who I am anymore. I hate having all these different parts that I don't understand. Having to be nice to myself when it is so clear that most parts don't deserve kindness but need a kick in the ***.
I am so sorry. I am a lousy friend too.
@nolongerafraid
Hugs to you Mas. Youre not a lousy friend at all.
You're very dear to us. Just as you are. For being you.
❤️
@DeborahUK
Couldn't agree more ❤️
@nolongerafraid
Definetly not a lousy friend, a very good one indeed. You are so much appreciated. And you are strong, you are writing this, reaching out, showing voulnerability, that is strong and brave and admirable, though not in the way you are used to.
Sending hugs <3
@nolongerafraid
Love you Mas. You are a very dear friend and we care for you. Hugs.
Thank you for all your faith in me. Thank you for loving me. 💖
