Whatever it Takes

Dear Diary,

Chalk today up to a near-defeat.

I felt anxious a large chunk of the day. I still do. I can sense that anxiety and stress are RUINING my life (and have been for quite some time). Ruining my relationships, my ability to be present, to be calm, to be peaceful, to enjoy the little things. I am in tears, because my bank account has only several hundred dollars and I am only making a couple hundred dollars a week, and I have all these ideas I want to move forward with (starting a business) and I just don't see how it is going to work, I need an income. I feel devastated. I want to move forward.

I also feel fairly certain I "cannot handle" the new relationship I had begun with this man I met online. I really, really liked him. But it is stressing me out and adding to my anxiety level SO much, trying to figure out what it means when he does or doesn't text this or that, and trying to navigate how much support to test him out with etc. I am trying not to push him away but oh man do I feel overloaded. I tried to push myself out of my comfort zone some with him, because I really like him. But the problem is I am pushing out of my comfort zone in a lot of areas in life all at once (classic Singer).

What do I do? I need help

- Singer

Dear Diary,

I can't sleep. I'm lying awake in bed, thoughts rolling around in my head. I tried to read, and I read about seven chapters in To Kill A Mockingbird, and I still can't sleep. So I thought I'd get some thoughts out here.

Life feels drab after talking to my dad for an hour tonight. He told me I ought to take the job as a receptionist, because I need money. I cried and cried on the phone with him. I told him I didn't want to. And I cried some more. He said, sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do. We just go through seasons. He told me about times he's done things he didn't want to do. I would never tell him I don't want to turn out like him, but that's what I was thinking, and it's what I always think when we have conversations like this. I don't admire him. He's unhappy, or at least he's seemed that way to me for the past eighteen years.

I'm upset about the man I was interested in. I haven't heard back from him. And maybe he's just busy, and I suppose that's fine, but I feel really upset about it because it's making me realize I want someone who is in my life with me, not somebody who I have to impress, not somebody who I feel I have to overextend myself to in order to try and make it work. I just want somebody who's here and now, in the thick of life with me, helping me, getting along with me. And he's not here. He's 2,800 miles away. And I'm not there, with him.

I wish I was. I wish I was in Oregon. But I'm not. I came here. And now I'm crying again, at this mess I got myself into. But what was I supposed to do?

I feel devastated, like all of my life will be hard work just to stay alive, and none of my dreams will come true. I feel my dad's energy through and through. My dad himself kept saying that a major flaw of mine (he didn't phrase it that way) was that I keep thinking that whatever I am going through at the time being is permanent, when it's not. My dad said that I'm holding myself back with my negative thinking. And he's right. So... why is it that I feel more negative after talking to my dad, when he's correct about those things?

Winston Churchill said, "If you're going through hell, keep going." George Lucas said, "Dreams are extremely important." I have been looking up quotes all night, and I feel more lost than when I started. They all seem to contradict one another, and when you take them out of context who knows what they actually were supposed to mean. The thing about quotes is, they can mean anything you want. I even found an inspirational quote from Donald Trump tonight. And no one looks up to Donald Trump.

My heart is crying. My heart doesn't want to take this receptionist job. And my dad says I should. My mom says I should. But I feel that if I take it, I will want to die. My mom and dad say that's just my depression, reacting so strongly to it that way. My dad says that's the only way to do it in life -- to take one job, until you find something else that's better. He says you need money to live. But Joseph Campbell says to "Follow your bliss... and doors will open where there were only walls." Who do I listen to?

I have no one to talk to, no best friend to pour my heart out to, other than here, on 7 cups. I would like to have a best friend in real life, but it seems that adults don't have time for best friends the way I'd like to have one. To be honest, I certainly don't have the time I want to have the heart-involvement in my own life that I want. But I was thinking about that today. What is life, without your heart in it? Why go on living, earning money, without your heart fully in it? But we have to eat to live. "That's the world we live in." Another thing my dad said.

It seems there are no answers for me. Will I ever find my way? Is there even a way to find? I am doubting that, tonight. I am lying here trying to sleep, and I can't find a reason TO sleep. That's part of the problem. I can't find a reason to rest, because my heart is hurting thinking that I am going to give it all up (my personal legend, in The Alchemist's terms). My reason for being. I feel tired, so tired, I've been tired for hours and needing sleep for hours. Why can't I have a quiet life? Why can't I have a lovely house somewhere, with lots of windows and light, surrounded by lots of trees? Why do I have to work so hard, only to live in a place that isn't my own, in a town that doesn't feel like home, for bills to pile high? Why don't I deserve a house? Why don't I deserve a home? Now I am starting to cry. It isn't so much to ask to just want to have a home and a quiet life. It isn't so much to ask. Why can't I?

Some people have fame and parties and lots of friends and lots of possessions and fancy vacations... I don't want any of that. Not truly. Not really. They aren't my deep wants. "A dream is a wish your heart makes." Now I'm quoting Disney. Walt Disney, who wiz brought up to me the other day... Why, oh why can't I find any wisdom in the depths inside of me? Where is the way to go? Which way is the way? I texted my mom for advice, and she says she prays. I can't remember my version of reaching the depths inside of me...

Earlier today I was doing so well. I was feeling so positive (albeit anxious). I really am doing better on this medication. So what is this that I am dealing with tonight? Am I still moving forward? I believe I met this guy for a reason, the guy in Oregon -- even if he was only a friend for a time, I do trust him. He told me to stay positive. I believe I was meant to hear that message. I believe I need to try. I believe that is my only mission in life right now, to fight to remain positive somehow.

I really enjoyed the positivity and heartfelt experiences I experienced earlier today this morning. I feel so afraid that they will never return because they've slipped away into anxiety and stress. I am going to try to trust my dad and my mom, because they love me. This is hard, because even only a day ago I was working through trauma that they caused me. Maybe I can do a lovingkindness meditation to help me get some sleep.

That's all for now. Signed,

- Singer

Dear Diary,

I feel shame. I feel shame. I feel shame for the way I've acted and handled interactions with this guy I keep saying I like so much. I'm noticing that a LOT of negative feelings are coming up for me within our interactions, as much as I like him. I'm feeling shame... I'm feeling triggered... but I also notice that my body feels really good within our interactions, too. I feel confused. I feel shame for being human right now, for being tired and for not being "perfect" in the way that I texted him. It feels like he expects me to be more than I am, somehow. And I've gotten that impression from him from day one talking... that his expectations of a partner were too high, compared to what he would be willing to give.

I feel shame for some reason for the way I'm interacting with him. Even though I'm only trying my best. Why do I feel the shame?

I want to cut him out. I want to cut him out now before it gets worse. I don't know what to do. I want to make it less of a big deal, so that it doesn't take over my whole life. But it's such a huge trigger for me, thinking about starting a relationship and all that... and I know I'm jumping the gun a lot. But the way he treated me and the way we talked, I felt like he was potentially really serious. And he was. I just might not be the right match for him. I am really overthinking this. I need to go to bed.

But I feel like I ruined it. What do I do with these feelings? How do I let it go?

- Singer

Dear Diary,

I woke up to no reply from the guy. I feel triggered nearly to the point of it being beyond management and taking over my life. Triggered on the level of the breakups in college when at the end of that off-and-on relationship I went into an eating disorder "coma" for three weeks (did nothing but participate in my eating disorder) and then went to rehab it got so bad. Triggered on the level of the breakups with my other ex with that off-and-on relationship where I was just "nothing" in-between, my life was centered around "getting better" so that I could be "healthy" in a relationship. It consumed me.

Realistically, I've only been talking to this guy for ten days. I feel triggered to those other two relationships. I don't know how to manage this for myself. Does this mean he is a bad fit for me, because the dynamic is triggering these old dynamics? Or does it mean it's something for me to overcome? Because I really liked him. Why do I keep saying I really liked him? It sounds like I'm defending myself at this point, I almost feel...

I really wish I didn't have to go to work today through Sunday. Gosh. I really need a chance to process. I don't know whether this is "all my fault" because I am overly anxious and still after all these years need to learn to manage the anxiety, or, whether the lesson I need to learn is to stay away from people who cause me to feel this way... or whether it's something else altogether..... this is really hard. Why did life have to throw this at me right now? AM I NOT DEALING WITH ENOUGH ALREADY? WITHOUT HAVING TO FACE DOWN THIS DEMON, TOO?

- Singer

Dear Diary,

Its been a while since Ive written. I was working a lot, and then my family was in town for my brothers graduation, and I was very busy. Now that theyve gone again, and its over, Im feeling empty and all alone in the world. Im not sure if its partially because my family was struggling to get along yesterday. And the guy Im starting to get to know hasnt been quite as attached as I wanted him to be today. But, Im not sure whether Im wanting things from him that dont make sense at this stage.

Im babysitting now, and this feeling inside of me is painful. I know its got something to do with my family. I hurt, and its an old hurt that I recognize well. But I dont know what to do about it.

Im not working again until Friday, at my photography job. I have a lot of worries about income and money. I have a to do list that Im going to make. Im trying to make space inside myself for my feelings. I need to feel emotionally supported more than I do right now. I need my friends.

I dont know what I think about this guy. Its hard to tell with never having met in person... Im doing my best to try and take it slow and get to know one another. Its hard, and it might be worth it. I definitely dont want to just run away. I do feel scared.

Finishing up here cause I

Dear Diary,

Im going to write more because Im babysitting and I didnt bring anything to do because I didnt think Id need it. But the kids are just watching a movie (and its too young for me to find anything interesting in it haha).

I dont like the way I feel, and I am trying to have compassion for myself. I want my life to get better, to be filled with more hope and more joy and more peace. I am doing my best, and it is really hard. I feel dissociated, I think, and Im not sure why. Im sort of going through the motions of how I know to act in order to try to make/keep connections and relationships with people. I dont feel it, though.

Im not sure if this is what dissociation feels like. I dont like it though and I feel scared. I dont know what to do with myself... I didnt bring anything to do. I could write.... the 7cups app is so hard to navigate from my phone otherwise I would want to try and write more.... I feel so empty and sad and I dont know how to help it. I dont know how. It feels like an empty, bottomless pit. It doesnt feel fillable.

- Singer

Dear Diary,

I had another hour and a half Facetime conversation with the guy again last night. Didn't realize how long it had been, was enjoying talking so much. Then it was very late. Neither of us wanted to get off the call.

Why, when I woke up this morning, am I in this dark place? I'm thinking he and I may be incompatible. There are multiple small things racking up that I either don't feel attracted to or that are hurting me in small ways. My heart hurts, and I think that I should listen to these multiple small things, but it's just that I so much wanted this to work out... I so much wanted this to be my person, to have found my person. There were a lot of things I liked. It feels like it's sort of a balance right now, and I'm trying to decide whether the things I don't like outweigh the things I do like. Because there are many things I do like. Not too dissimilar from the new medication I'm on, honestly. The partial insomnia is maybe catching up to me a little bit. But I like that my mood has been improved. It's a tough call. All I know is that today, I don't feel "good". In sort of a mildly scary way (although I'm able to keep myself from fully going into the "scary" mental place).

I'm scared of things "not working out" with this guy because I had already started making plans and stuff around having a relationship with him, you know? Which I suppose was me jumping too soon. I just had felt excited about it. I know I ought to practice letting go. It's hard. Things had seemed like they were working out. Today my heart feels pain. My heart doesn't want things to not work out -- especially when it doesn't see anything else to take their place.

I have a big to-do list I need to get done today, and I'm just not feeling the positive energy I had been feeling yesterday and for the past few days. Part of it I know is because of this guy. Feeling hopeful about him, that positive energy was helping me out a lot. I don't want it to go away.

I don't want to go back into a dark place.

I don't want for more risks not to work out.

I had been feeling so hopeful.

I'm feeling disappointed now, in the new medication I'm on, in EFT, in how things are going with this guy... I feel like the disappointments are affecting one another and perhaps snowballing. I'm having a hard time remaining positive this morning. Just because I feel disappointed in some things about this guy, it doesn't mean he isn't a great guy. I just don't know how to tell. What is my heart saying? All I know is that my heart doesn't want to hurt.

That's all for now.

- Singer

I

Dear Diary,

I feel lonely.

Am I still recovering from trauma?

I feel anxiety, too.

- Singer