Whatever it Takes

I can do it. I am on the right track.

Dear Diary,

I just applied to a writing job with two original writing pieces that I brushed up for the application!

- Spirit

Dear Diary,

Do I even still have trauma? Feeling confused. I keep remembering something I read in a book, to let go of the label "trauma" or "anxiety" in regards to myself. The same book says that "Useful knowledge helps you achieve potential results and points you toward actions that make a difference in your life." How does one employ the techniques to heal from it, while also letting go? I know I have not wanted to let go (I've been afraid).

- Spirit

Dear Diary,

An affirmation I was reading this morning triggered more high anxiety. I am so tired of this. I had thought anxiety had left me for good. I truly thought the shaman healing had helped, and that tapping was working.

My kind therapist is working to help me. My kind friends and family support me. At the end of the day, the anxiety is mine and I am the one who experiences it and must find the solution that works for me.

I am listening to my heart... what does it have to say?

It says for right now, to continue speaking to myself with positive, kind, affirmations. And when I get home, to write out my fears and anxieties, and to listen to them and hear what they have to say. Maybe I don't need to be so afraid of feeling anxiety any more.

Here is an "assignment" that @DeborahUK gave me :

Wow. How hard I am being on myself, telling myself harshly that "I should get a better job," and "my job isn't good enough," and "I should be doing so much better," and "I am 30 years old, I should have more money and own a house."

What about all of the things I have been doing with my life????? I have been quite busy going on road trips, seeing National Parks, taking singing lessons (and singing is one of my favorite things in the world to do), spending time with my family, taking pictures of things I wanted to take pictures of (and I enjoy photography), going hiking (and I enjoy hiking), working on my health both physical and mental (and I really value my health), healing from trauma, doing work in therapy to heal past traumas, learning how to trust people and have improved relationships, conquering addictions, dancing (and I LOVE dancing), reading good books, expanding my spirituality, learning about interesting topics....

@purpleWest8143 mentioned this to me a while back. What if I focused on all the things I have done, rather than on all the things I haven't done? It's easy to say, but -- how can I wrap my mind around this? How can I learn to think this way? It's not something that is going to happen overnight, I imagine, because it's an engrained way of thought. Hmm.

I really am thoughtless at what I could say that would allow myself to move forward encouraged, supported, head held high, with a spring in my step in regards to career and livelihood and finances. I have felt so discouraged about these three matters for so long. Maybe it's something I can begin tapping on. (Although geez, I have SO MUCH I am tapping on! Not enough time in the day to tap!)

I have been thinking about this Deb, and I really am clueless. You gave me a good assignment but my brain just isn't quite working that way in this department yet. It's like a trigonometry problem but I'm still learning algebra. I think maybe I don't have the building blocks to figure it out quite yet. I was hoping to have something more exciting to share, but that's all I've got.

Miss you, I don't like seeing that question mark and "unknown" beside what I know you wrote. But I know you'll be coming back

- Singer

Dear Diary,

I had odd dreams last night. Hmm. It's also interesting and mixed emotions to think that I may be leaving here, gods and goddesses willing, in a little more than a month. I feel a strange responsibility to the relationships I've built. I've spent much time and effort and energy building relationships here, especially with my siblings, and especially with the brother closest to me in age. We've seen each other at least once a week, most weeks. We've had weekly Thursday lunches. And then I've seen my sister quite a bit as well. My youngest brother will be the easiest to leave -- we've spent good time together which I'm grateful for, but he's getting married at the end of the month and his life is full. My sister will be all right to leave too, she has a full life with her baby and her husband, and we haven't necessarily communicated eye to eye, although it will still feel difficult. I know she is supportive of my move. It will still feel difficult. And my brother closest in age to me, I believe will be the most difficult. He's really been there for me. I will miss him, and I do believe he will miss me, which is the part that makes it the hardest -- knowing that he will miss me. I started crying just thinking about it.

But I know that I cannot stay somewhere simply because someone will miss me if I go. It just... it sort of feels like a cop out, because I am going to Oregon without a "plan." That is to say I am not going because I got into college, or got the job of my dreams, or because I am married and my partner got a job there. Which is to say it seems as though my reason of going to Oregon isn't valid enough to warrant the sorrow I might be causing my moving away from my family. I am going to Oregon because I want to. It's as simple as that. I feel I am called to go there, and I am following my heart. Of course that is entirely and utterly a valid reason, and I do believe so myself. I just... it is very hard to go knowing that I will be missed by even one person who remains here. And I know my brother is not the only person who will miss me, although, he will possibly miss me the most (as we have built perhaps the closest relationship). I do know I cannot always and forever live in the same city as my brother, life must go its way... Maybe it feels more permanent because I know his spending habits and I fear he might not come visit me in Oregon and I might not see him again often. But, that is only a fear. He came out to visit me on my road trip last year, and that was an amazing time. And he and I are planning a trip to Peru. I will see him again. And I know he loves Oregon. I'm not sure how to explain my emotions, honestly. Maybe they are simply there.

I feel a little bit guilty for not having told my family yet that I plan to leave right after my brother's birthday, which is August 25th. I'm not intentionally withholding it from them. I know my mother's habit of making a big deal out of things, and I simply feel that I would have unnecessary pressure that I would feel if I told them a definite date when I have many plans and preparings still to sort out and I am not confident that I will be able to leave by that date. I have much to do to prepare. They do know that I am planning on leaving relatively soon, although I believe I told them "maybe September sometime" last time we spoke. It's just I'm on a timeline now, because I found a womens' retreat in south central Colorado that I really wanted to go to and felt drawn and called to... and it's Labor Day weekend. I put in a deposit for it. It was difficult to do so, knowing I did not want the pressure of a timeline to move, but... it felt right. It was what my heart felt. So I am trusting it. That only happened two days ago, that I all of a sudden now have this timeline. And to drive across, and be there in time for the retreat, puts me leaving directly after my brother's birthday. Which really is perfect timing, because I did not want to leave before his birthday He planned a very special birthday dinner for me last year, when I arrived right before my own birthday here in this town.

I hope my grandparents will be in town on that timeline. I haven't called them to check, again, because I haven't even TOLD them at all that I'm moving to Portland!!! I don't know how to. And I certainly can't tell them my timeline without having told my parents. Well... well, yes, I could. Oh! I forgot I will see my grandparents next weekend for my brother's wedding. Fantastic. I miss them. I am glad. That makes me quite happy, because even if they aren't home (they travel a lot) when I leave, I will see them next weekend. I am relieved.

I feel like there are very many people to tell goodbye before I leave.... and I wonder how I will have the time to do so... perhaps it won't be so much as I fear. (Wow, look at me -- I moved here feeling so alone, and now I am leaving feeling I have so many people to tell goodbye. How wonderful...)

And above all, I must not listen to my mother's voice telling me that because I have friends and family here, it means I must stay and must not leave. Life is about moves and changes, and we must follow life's path and the current of life. And above all, I must not listen to my fears that I am replicating the abusive situation I got into the last time I moved across the country. Because, you see, this will be my third time driving all the way across, coast to coast. The first time, I drove to Los Angeles and got into an abusive situation. The second time was moving back here. So I must find the way to understand this fear that I am replicating an abusive situation, this fear that I am caught in a cycle... I must find the meaning of this fear. Because perhaps this life transition -- me moving across the country again, this time alone -- perhaps this is meant to help me overcome, once and for all, that abuse. Perhaps this is an opportunity for me psychologically. Because this time I am not so much running away anymore....

I was talking with someone yesterday, and we decided that was the main difference. Some people want to leave because they hate the place they're in. Other people want to leave because they have somewhere else they want to go.

For a while I did hate this place. I am grateful, very grateful, that circumstances forced me to stay here long enough so that when I did decide to leave, it was not because I hated the place, but rather because I have somewhere else I want to go. I am doing my best to trust that. Because I do have some people in my life who are still accusing me of leaving for reasons such as being stubborn about not liking the South (that would be my mom talking) or reasons such as moving across for the guy I was talking to from online dating (one of my friends). But I have many others reassuring me that they can tell that my reasons are pure, and by pure, I mean that it seems to them that I am following my call. And I like it because it isn't black or white, all or nothing. I do still like the guy there. And I do still dislike it here in many ways. But those aren't the driving factors. Are they? I'm overthinking now. But it's a big decision.

Well, that's enough for now. I'm going to read and fix breakfast.

xo

- Singer

I'm really going to miss my brother when I move. I cried for a little while just now realizing that. We've really gotten close since last year. I'm so grateful for it. It's crazy to think that we rarely talked before. And it's funny that I expected to get closer to my sister, yet got farther apart in some ways. I feel like I just want to reach out to someone, like I want to be with someone... I have this yearning, this longing, I'm not sure what it is. I can't think of an actual person I know of who would fulfill it. Like, I can't think of a particular person who I'm wanting to be with. I just have this yearning to share more of my life with someone (or someones?) in some way that I'm not currently doing. Maybe cause I'm alone so much, with my work...... I want to be working WITH others, building relationships while working together...... how can I do that while also doing photography? I don't know. Maybe there's something different out there for me. It feels nice to not automatically revert so much to all or nothing, to not be panicking over this, but simply to be noticing it. And to be open to it. And to be open to changing. Anyway I feel this longing or yearning right now, and I'm not sure what it's for other than that. I didn't feel quite like I wanted to go to sleep yet. Something felt missing from my day.

- Spirit

Dear Diary,

I am kind of glad less people are commenting on you lately. I enjoy receiving comments and support, however, it is also nice to feel like I just have a quiet place to write, too. For some reason it does not feel satisfying to me to write my thoughts in a book which I know no one will ever read. For some reason it feels much better to write my words out in the open, so that I know I am not hiding anything, and so that there is no shame.

I do not know if I will ever become un-conflicted about Portland, and I feel now that that is okay. My therapist tells me all big changes are like this, they come with mixed feelings, and it's largely because there are big unknowns. I do feel rather sad and a sense of loss at the state my life is in. I have been thinking about some sad things that have happened to me, I suppose. Some things that it has been difficult for me to recover and rebound from. I am not who I thought I would be, 10 years ago. I thought I was on a path to turn into someone entirely different. And to be honest, I feel rather disappointed in who I have become instead. It's enough to make my nose burn and some tears come into the corners of my eyes.

I will say it's nice to simply feel disappointment. I'm noticing that I'm not spiraling into shame or self-hatred. I'm simply feeling disappointment. This isn't who I wanted to be. At all. And... I'm the only one who can do anything about that.

I don't know what's in Portland waiting for me. I hope it's not more sadness, isolation, pain, and hard lessons. See, listen to me! I'm not trusting my heart. Me being afraid of that is me thinking that my own heart is leading me astray. (A religious belief that I grew up with). Maybe if I slowly, slowly practice trusting my heart, I will learn to have a relationship with her. It's very difficult in such a busy life, hm. And with so many fears. Hm. Fears seem to block the path to my heart. Hm. The Alchemist says that... it says don't give in to your fears, otherwise you won't be able to listen to your heart. Hm. Anyway, I don't know.

I am still in somewhat of an Eeyore state, doom and gloom. I see my nurse practitioner this week. I'll talk with her about my medication (it's been altering my sleep) and about my move, and see what she recommends. I do wish I had a doctor to ask, but, I will do with what I have. I feel quite overwhelmed. I do not know what I am getting myself into with my move. (See? Doom and gloom again.)

I feel unsatisfied with my line of work, but, it's better than what it was before. Progress feels slow. How old will I be before I am truly happy with life, with what I do? (Doom and gloom).

So many worries and concerns. Honestly, most of it boils down to one large and huge concern: Money. I am in debt, I do not have the means or the expectation of supporting myself with plenty of income and resources, I do not feel secure. I know this won't fix everything, but I think if I could fix the root of it, a lot of other concerns would be allieviated, too. I think security is the real underlying issue, because the security issue applies to relationships AND money. A lack of security has been making my life a living hell.

Wonder what moving to Portland has to do with security.

- Spirit

Dear Diary....

I feel exhausted. This is so unlike me, but, I don't want to go on another road trip. Why does it feel like work to get to Oregon? The thought of packing... of moving... of starting over again... even the thought of making food for the journey is exhausting.

I just want to have somebody take care of me when I get there. And I know I am going to have nobody to do that. That I know of, anyway.

I want to cry.

- Singer

Dear Diary,

I am getting major cold feet about Portland.

I feel distraught at the thought of leaving my family. They do things I don't like to do... they aren't healthy... they say things that hurt me... they don't say things and the absence of saying things hurts me... the communication isn't stellar... they eat things I don't eat... they get on my nerves... sometimes they are racist and sexist... we don't share the same religious or spiritual views... I feel left out while I'm in the same room with them sometimes.... but they're my family, and I'm crying right now. I feel ready to give up everything, just to stay with them. I feel ready to give up where I want to live, give up finding "my tribe"...

They're my family. They're a 15-minute, or a two-and-a-half hour drive away. They're close enough that I can go to lunch with, or go hang out if I am having a bad day. I can hug, and kiss, and hold my little nephew. They're far from perfect. But so am I. Why am I about to move 2,800 miles across the country, for no job, for no one, alone?

Well... it's not for no one. It's for me. I am someone.

I need courage. I don't have a lot. Everything in the world could go wrong. I could be alone over there. I could be lonely. I could find no one. I could find no friends. I could make no family of my own. Everyone else in my life could leave me or abandon me.

This has all happened to me before. More or less. At least, my worries are based on real-life things which have happened in my life.

This isn't a laughing matter. I've made friends here, relationships. And I've told them all I'm leaving. It's too late to stay. They've all already processed me as "leaving". I don't feel like I'm ready to leave. I want there to be a better farewell... a better celebration. I am afraid it's going to be too rushed. But I can't wait... I know the time is now. I'm telling my roommates tonight that I'm moving out at the end of the month.

Has anyone in the entire history of civilization ever felt as distraught as me over a decision?

- Singer