Whatever it Takes
Hello, I'm Singer.
The title of my thread is my current favorite song, by Imagine Dragons, which I played at least 10-15 times yesterday. I think it will serve to inspire me to keep on going, as I have already through thick or thin, doing "whatever it takes" to try and help myself, to hang in there, to make some sort of beauty and meaning and inspiration out of it all.
I know I have not always been this way. I have many, many positive memories. I don't know exactly what dissociation is, but I know I do it to some extent from time to time. I also know I resonate strongly with themes of being a warrior.
I hope to find a trauma therapist who is full of compassion and will help me. Until then, and after then, here I am, doing the best that I can to try to heal, to try to take care of myself, and to try to live the daring, brilliant, innovative life I aspire to.
My most recent therapist mentioned "attachment trauma" was what to address. I had to let her go, by the way, because I didn't trust her personally anymore. I trust her observations about me, but I did not trust her in relationship.
Signing out,
Singer
Dear Diary,
Yesterday I felt so happy and joyful and excited... Today I feel depressed and like nothing matters. My therapist says it's to be expected, many different emotions before a major change. But I don't feel I'm navigating them the way I'd like to. I don't feel I'm doing a poor job, I just feel as though something's missing that I'd like to be there.
I'm 30. What if I just keep going in circles? Okay, that's a worry, let's not think that way. I just... Today I have been feeling regrets. There is so much I wanted to do that I haven't yet achieved, largely due to anxiety and lack of focus. Life circumstances bowling me over. I am learning a lot about myself and how to handle and manage my energy, that's true. But how many more years of my life will go by before I am able to harness some of my vast potential and finally bring it to fruition? 
I am afraid of meeting new people in Oregon. They are going to ask me what I do... I am going to tell them what I do for work... but how and why are they going to find me interesting, since I am rather lost and wandering right now on the path of what my purpose toward fulfillment is? I suppose I can bond with people over other things, shared interests like hiking, dancing, healing, healthy living.
Most importantly, it is bothering me right now that I don't have a label I can slap on my life story. I can't slap a diagnosis on my parents to explain them to others who I meet. I still don't know or truly understand what happened to me in relation to my ex, so how am I going to explain that relationship to my next relationship? I still don't even know what to say.
It's also bothering me that I used to want to make a difference, and now I just can't even fathom being able to do so. My self confidence is pretty low, and I don't really see myself as having capabilities or skills. That's nothing new, though. Hm.
It's also bothering me not knowing whether to still pursue old dreams that I yearn after (like singing) or whether to give up. I suppose my therapist would say the only way to know is take action steps toward them and then see how I feel. I'll never know just by trying to figure it out in my head. The problem is, I'm not sure how to navigate my feelings and what they all mean. And then I start getting ashamed that I don't know how to navigate that better.
What will I find in Portland? I'd really like to just settle down and rest, with loved ones surrounding me, but it feels like there's an uphill battle ahead of me, a whole mountain still to climb 
Is it my own choices that are making it feel this way? Am I choosing the mountain when I could be choosing rest?
- Spirit
@singercrystalspirit
just be comfortable with you, singer dear. maybe you will find a tribe to settle down with and make a home. i do wish that for you. but first and foremost remember you -- in and of yourself -- are your own tribe and the only skin you gotta feel comfortable in is your own.
@singercrystalspirit
Dear Singer,
Good luck with your moving, enjoy the trip and the new adventures and challanges. <3
Just have to add, as for meeting new people and being afraid of not being interesting, you are. People who got it all figured out and are closed for the world, closed for change, they are boring. You are following your dream, moving across country, seeking new experiences - your dreams, wishes, thoughts and ideas, your spirit and perspective, they all make you interesting, they make you you.
And just so you know, you are higly valuated and appreciated in here
@LoveFromSara
Thank you 😁😁😁😁😁😁 *biggest hugs*
So its tomorrow? The move? I just wanted to wish you all the best. Safe travels, and warmest wishes to send you on your way.
A new adventure Singer. Embrace it and enjoy 😉 ❤️
@DeborahUK
Yeah 
Thank you Deb Big hugs. I'm packing now... my roommates threw me a goodbye dinner tonight and had my whole family over. (My mom chilled out and just talked about normal things so it was nice haha).
It made me cry that you remembered. 
(Happy tears). Thank you 
Singer
@singercrystalspirit
wishing you all the best for your move Singer take good care of you and enjoy the adventure
@courteousNorth5140
Thank you 😁😁😁😁
Dear Diary,
I've arrived in... well, wow. I was going to type the name of my city but I no longer feel safe doing so. I've arrived in Oregon. Things have already not gone as expected. Surprises here in this community of course... and surprises with one of my new roommates. I'm struggling quite a bit with handling it. I'm also struggling with feeling open, and safe, like I felt before I arrived here. It seems many of the structures in my life, and many of the people I relied upon or trusted, have fallen apart at least to an extent, at once. I feel a little dissociated/disconnected/detached, and it's worrying and bothering me. I haven't felt that way in quite some time, and I don't like it, and I want to cry. I have thoughts such as "I did this to myself" and "history is repeating itself" and "you made the same mistake twice" and "this is what your mother warned you" and "you will never progress past this".... and the very fact that I am having those thoughts is distressing me, as well. I am working with my therapist on it. I hope she can help.
I wish I didn't feel this way. I'm really unhappy that I do, and I'm scared. I feel alone in a way that I didn't feel before, out to fend for myself in the world, which means out as prey for the wolves. I feel like a victim, and I feel vulnerable, and I dislike that.
I'm not sure what I'm going to do about helping with check-ins for trauma fam. I'm sad that it doesn't feel so much like a fam anymore... I feel kind of disconnected there, too, I think. I know I intentionally disconnected to focus on my road trip and my move, which needed my attention, but I feel sorrow that I returned to find what I found. And at the same time that I moved 2800 miles away from my literal family, too. Sometimes I wonder what the Universe is trying to teach me, and whether I messed up, and whether I have just made a choice that will cause me a life of pain.
I guess that's all for now. Maybe it's better not to dwell. I'm honestly not so sure what could help me to feel better, so I'm going to follow a few of my therapist's suggestions and just go through the motions for the time being doing what she suggests.
- Singer
@singercrystalspirit
Singer <3
Im glad you have arrived safely and that the trip went well, im very sorry though for what you have returned to. There are a lot of changes happening for you, in real life and here, a lot of starting over, rebuilding and it makes sense that that is scary and make you second guess. I would say that goes for those without a trauma history as well. I do though want to remind you that even though we are not on a team, we are a team, we are a family, and we are here to support you.
Please take care of you and believe in you. Try not to let whats going on in here ruin your new adventure. You have been out traveling alone before, you have fended for your self before, you had hardship before, you got this, Singer.
@LoveFromSara
Hey Sara *Hugs* Thank you for your support I am, too. It would have been nice to have a little more consistency to help me through this transition, but I am trying to believe it is all for a purpose (it's hard.... mostly I'm slipping into believing that everything is negative and I'm stuck in old patterns, etc). Thank you for that I am going through a lot, and part of what is making me have a hard time today is that my new roommate is telling me that I freak out too easily. I told him that felt very unsupportive.
I also keep thinking, "and I have gotten myself into huge disasters before" and that is the thought my brain has been focusing on Because it seems like I've gotten myself into a disaster again. I will try to take care of me... it feels I've backslidden, and I feel upset about that. I haven't remained very positive lately...... and I miss my old roommates.
@singercrystalspirit
Hey Singer, good to hear from you!
How was your retreat?
Is everything OK in Oregon? Is there anything that you would like help/support with? I think it's natural to feel the way you do, you've just got there, but I hope you're getting (or will get) some time to explore a bit and enjoy yourself while settling down.
Thinking of you and sending hugs!
@Torremp
*Hugs* My retreat was wonderful. Thank you for asking! I made many new friends, felt very empowered, and feel like I grew a lot.
Then I got here... met my new roommate in person who I had thought was awesome... suffice it to say things went farther than I thought they would and the relationship wasn't what I had in mind. I didn't get taken advantage of, but, I feel like I did because of my history, and boy oh boy was I not prepared to deal with this at this point in time, especially with everything else I've got going on. I honestly don't know what I'll do, nor am I even sure what I want to do, which is really bothering me (the cloudiness of my mind, which had been so full of clarity before). The only thing bringing me any consolation right now is remembering a quote from my favorite book The Alchemist, which says "We only see what we want to see. We don't see things as they really are." So I feel I have learned a lesson? But I feel very, very ashamed, and also frightened because I can't just run and hide... this person is my roommate. And there's a second roommate, and the trickiest part is.... I found out *today* that the two of my roommates have a history with each other... and each of them also have a history with each other's sibling/best friend. I was NOT wanting to sign up for this. I had it in my mind that I was moving into this happy "family" that took care of one another.... "We only see what we want to see. We don't see things as they really are." I'm wanting to move back to South Carolina, honestly, where my family is. The devil you know, as they say. My therapist is encouraging me to stay here since I put in all the effort to come here, and to grow and learn on my own.
Thanks for your support I imagine you're right, much of this is natural. I do really regret what happened between me and my roommate. I had felt like he was such a good friend beforehand, and like he was so supportive towards me, and like he was such a gift and exactly the roommate I needed, he had been talking to me every day!, and he had said he was so excited to meet me etc etc, (and I hardly know anyone here!), and I had believed him until now. Now I have this constant struggle in my mind where I am finding it hard to trust him at all and am thinking he was lying about everything he had said and want to block him totally out, and also don't have any idea whether I can trust my other roommate because, well, I mean I do hardly know her. I just had given her the benefit of the doubt until today, and now I feel extremely skeptical. Which makes me sad, because I want to live with people who I love and trust. I suppose there's no way to do that in a city where I hardly know anyone... but I had let myself believe that it could be possible and true. I had been so grateful that this guy had made the effort to build the relationship with me before I got here in order to make me feel more comfortable and welcome.... but again, "We only see what we want to see. We don't see things as they really are." Anyway I've no idea what you or anyone could say to help, but I just want to cry.
@singercrystalspirit
Im so sorry things are feeling tough right now Singer. But wow, look how far youve come! To my regret Ive never really stepped far from my comfort zone, and have always lived in the town I grew up in, surrounded by familiar friends and family. And although Im content enough here, I also have some regrets for what could have been. Sliding doors in a way, possible missed opportunities, different roads my life may have taken if I had ever dared push myself into an adventure.
And thats why I so admire you. Youve pushed yourself to try something diffferent, not just sat around accepting life as it is. Its a great attitude you have to question what more life may offer, and to actually do something about it. To make that move, to seek out new people and new opportunities.
Its early days Singer. Youve only just arrived, you need to settle, plant some roots, find out whats around you. Theres far more to where you are than these few room mates. Try not to let them colour your whole experience. Keep reaching for the stars Singer. Theyre within your grasp.
@DeborahUK
*Hugs*
Thank you for putting this into perspective for me, Deb. There IS more to where I am than these two roommates, and somehow I got enveloped and wrapped up in my living situation and the people over the past several days especially... there truly is so much more that's here. I got so excited about my one roommate that I think I lost perspective. And then he didn't turn out to be like what I thought (which I'm still struggling to actually accept). At least he isn't home until Sunday, and I still have a little bit more space to get a broader perspective before he returns. I hope, anyway. I spent like 2 hours today hashing stuff out with him via messenger and like 4 more hours recovering from panic.
Have you heard of the Linkin Park song "Roads Untraveled"? What you said just made me think of it. I often would weep over roads I didn't take.... there was one point a couple years ago when I would blast this song on repeat and just sob and sob and sob.
I guess what I've done is admirable, although truly I only feel ashamed. But... I already said that, lol, and that is precisely why you are offering me another much needed perspective, which I appreciate. Although I don't feel very brave. I feel very foolish and embarrassed. But I suppose I don't really need to. There's no sense in beating myself up over things I didn't know, things people didn't tell me. Although I am beating myself up over intentionally not asking more, and choosing to trust without knowing. I could have picked a more secure roommate situation. I could have waited. And you know what? It still could have gone wrong somehow.
Thank you for reminding me not to let this one experience take over my whole experience, even though for whatever reason it seems to want to.
Anyway, thank you. I guess I just don't like failure And... it scares me when I feel like I misunderstood my intuition (for example, about my roommates). It scares me thinking I can't trust myself or my feelings about things. That might be, perhaps, what I'm feeling most upset and confused over.
*Hugs*
- Singer
@singercrystalspirit
Maybe you expect a little too much from your intuition? They say you never really know someone until you live with them, even if youve been seeing them for years. As I understand it youve connected with this guy online but this is your first actual meeting. Its a huge step from chatting online and liking someone to actually sharing a living space. Theres lots of people I like to talk with online, but Id be a nightmare to live with!
Anyway, try not to kick yourself for that intuition being fallible. Youd have to be pretty much psychic to see into the future, and even then people will never cease to surprise you. Hugs to you Singer. I hope you start to find your feet soon.
@singercrystalspirit
I'm so sorry you're having to go through all this.
I don't think you're overreacting or anything along those lines. I think that if you have a gut feeling, you should trust it.
It's hard when you're in the position of wanting to connect, but can't even do that with the people you live with. That's ok, it doesn't have to be that way and it's better than being involved in someone's drama.
So what I mean to say is that it's ok to put your guard/walls up sometimes, and if I were you, I would. They say that the best way to get to know someone is to live with them, even if it's for a short time.
As a suggestion, can you go outside and do something for you this weekend? Even if it's something simple like grabbing a coffee, just for breathing space?
Have you had any luck finding groups for your hobbies?
Dear Diary,
My new roommate told me today that he is a sociopath with antisocial tendencies. We had an in-depth conversation about this and he gave me an example of one way he has manipulated me.
I was in a relationship, previously, for six years with a sociopath and a large part of my trauma journey has been healing from that.
What a curveball that I didn't see coming.
- Spirit
@singercrystalspirit
Life really love those curveballs or as some like to call them opputunities for growth... But remember you are not the same you was, so this time wil be different. But it might be time to figure out if its a relation you can feel safe and comfortable in or if you need to take steps to make sure you are safe, either way you will keep growing, also from this experience.
You are so amazingly brave, Singer, and I admire you so
@LoveFromSara
You know what? It turns out he isn't a sociopath at all. He simply thinks he is. I think he might have Asperger's. It's still a challenge with boundaries, and kind of exhausting at times. There's somewhat of a push-pull there. (I'm already not good at boundaries! Mix me with someone else who isn't, either...) But yes. Yes. This is the Universe calling me to grow. And I believe I am helping him to grow, too. I hope it can stay in a safe and healthy way.
I am not sure what is admirable about me... I am having trouble letting positivity in right at the moment. I just feel kind of empty and alone. Thank you
xo
- Spirit
@singercrystalspirit
Im glad he's not a sosiopath after all, though asbergers can come with some challanges for your relationship. I hope you can find a way to balance it all out, though I suspect it might take some trials and errors working out base lines, learn what to expect from him and find some ground rules and healthy boundaries, but that is supposedly how we grow...
Im sorry to hear about your depressed feelings, the whole situation sounds challanging and its especially hard when you had such high hopes. A gratitude journal sounds like a great thing, im sure there are lots of positives too about your new place, small things to look after and maybe small things you can change to give you some extra positivity.
Hugs
Dear Diary,
I am not certain why I feel so depressed today. I think that is has something to do with boundaries. I wonder what to do in order to help myself feel better right at this moment? I am simply not certain. I don't feel quite like I am headed in the right direction. Maybe... Maybe I need to get out of the house. Maybe I will clean the bathroom (aka finish my chores), and then grab a book and head to a coffee shop until my next dance class this evening. I feel a bit guilty, because I had been going to apply for jobs. But... it's Sunday. Maybe if I set a boundary *now*, that I will not do any work one day a week (i.e. have a day off), it will help me to better focus during the remainder of the week. Maybe if I allow myself to fully enjoy myself today, I will be more productive this week. It's worth a try, isn't it? I do, definitely, absolutely feel like a coffee and a book would boost my spirits. That's what I WANTED to do earlier instead of dancing, but I stayed at dancing instead (long story -- was trying to listen to my body and be gentle and do what I needed while also honoring what I felt like I wanted). I'm having a hard time tuning into myself right at the moment, but I think coffee sounds like a good plan. Getting into a different environment sounds like a good plan. Alright -- Bathroom cleaning, here I come.
- almost signed my real name LOL
- Singer
Dear Diary,
I'm feeling depressed again. I was happy the rest of today. Then, in talking with my roommate, it got me feeling down. It happens kind of often with him. I don't think he means to, and sometimes he makes me feel happy. It's an odd dynamic. I'm a little afraid of it. Of getting caught in it. I'm feeling depressed enough right now that I'm feeling a little out of control.
I'm missing trauma fam, and wishing we were all still more in touch. Maybe it would do me good to start back up a gratitude journal for the time being, since I started having a hard time. To help me remember to focus on the positives. I really hope I don't sink into another depression. I'm afraid of doing so. Especially with winter coming, darker days and colder temps. And with having to look for a job, and being afraid that I won't like the one I find, and afraid of how little money I might make. (Not a mindset I want to have).
Send hugs if you have them
- Singer
@singercrystalspirit *offering safe hugs*
I hope you do niot mind me posting here, but if you do so, please feel free to tell me and I will not do so in the future as I want you to feel safe in your space here :)
I am sorry to hear that you have been effected like that by your roommate. I can imagine it has to be really hard with people like him who can affect you so much in these ways especially after all you have been through. I mean, I know that this feeling of getting out of control of your depression and yourself can be a really scary thing, especially if you have already been through it before.
I can imagine it doesn't help either that so many things changed here and I am really sorry for it. I know I will probably never be able to really take the place of those before me but I want you to know that I do care about you as well, although I know this takes time and I do not ask you to trust me in an instance - as that would be rather silly - but only to give me, and the others here, a chance and I can promise that I will try my best! :)
A gratitude journal sounds like a really nice idea. I have been doing it for some time as well and I found it helpful and it would be probably a nice thing to help you focus on the good things even in these times as winter can really be hard with depression and looking for a job is just stressful.
I do hope that things will go well for you and if there is anything we may be able to help you with or you would just like to vent we are always here for you :)
Sending all the hugs I can in your way
@redmark
Hi!
Thank you for responding It has been hard, especially since he has strong feelings for me. I am happy to give you a chance That is part of the problem with my roommate... instead of getting to know me more slowly like you offered, he jumped into things too quickly without a chance for trust to build. I jumped too, but, in my defense, I felt a little between a rock and a hard place as I was just moving in and was overwhelmed.
I totally didn't even start doing the gratitude journal yet. I have been so overwhelmed. I will try and start very soon. I hope I am OK during the winter. Thank you so much I am probably going to write another diary entry now.
- Singer
Dear Diary,
Another week, another few days without much sleep. Last night I think I got three hours. I'm trying to keep my mind positive. It's hard. But, I am doing the best that I can.
I've been quite intimate with my roommate, and I've enjoyed it a lot some of the time. Other times not as much. I'm confused about the situation, and boundaries are a challenge. My therapist keeps affirming for me to decide for myself what I need to do (she refuses to give me direct advice), and she encourages me to explore further and ask more questions when I am confused.
I still don't have a job or work. I'm going to run out of credit eventually, and I'm not quite sure what I'll do when that happens. I feel stuck. I don't want to take a job that I don't fit, or a job that pays too little. Or a job that's both in one. If it's a good fit, a really good fit, I wouldn't mind the pay. I'd just need help organizing my finances. So maybe I ought to focus on finding a good fit.
I'm not sure how much my female roommate likes me, because she used to have a quasi-relationship with the male roommate who I'm now intimate with. I'm trying to be friendly and positive toward her to build the connection, because I want it to be a friendly situation as much as possible, even as I recognize that it's not ideal. I'm also trying hard not to judge myself, as I've judged others who have been in similar situations as me. I didn't know it was going to be like this when I moved here, and even though I've only been here one month, I'm almost endlessly berating myself for not having gotten out IMMEDIATELY when I realized the situation.
Well, I'm not sure what else to say other than that I'm really struggling with time management. People have given me tips, but they don't seem to help much. I need to find the right strategies for me, although right now I am not so sure what those are. I am highly creative, so I need something geared towards letting me use my natural strengths (such as daydreaming, having lots of ideas at once, having many interests and passions, being spontaneous) rather than something that squashes my natural strengths.
I'm doing so many self-improvement things right now to try and help myself (for instance, I have a therapist who gives me homework AND a money coach who gives me homework, AND am enrolled in a 21-day self improvement challenge with a life coach who gives me homework, AND am reading several personal development books), yet I have this nagging sense that I need less, less, less in my life. It's just that I don't know the big rocks of what I NEED in my life, because I do have so many interests and passions, so that makes it harder to cut things out and simplify. I wish I knew better how to live more happily and more groundedly as a creative. I feel like by listing all those things I'm trying to prove that I'm doing too much so that someone will validate for me that it's OK to scale back. Yet I'm the one who continually gets myself into such a scenario.
Well, off I go I think. Take care.
- Spirit
Dear Diary,
I feel sad, and depressed. Something is bringing my energy down. I miss my friends, here in trauma fam. I haven't wanted to make new friends here because I just moved across the country and am already trying to make new friends there. Maybe that's a bad attitude, and I need to look at this as a challenge to overcome and have a positive attitude towards it. Maybe that is why I feel depressed.
On the other hand, I'm leaning towards putting more of my focus elsewhere, offline, in person with people. So... it just makes it hard to not have the same support here as I did before.
I miss my friends, and I haven't wanted to completely throw myself into somewhere new (Oregon), because it's been hard. But I suppose I should keep the positive attitude up and keep getting out there, keep putting myself out there and building something new.
My family also hasn't been keeping in touch with me the way I want. I barely hear from them. I know I could change my attitude around and be the one to keep in contact with them, but it's hard. That requires acting like I'm self-sustaining/self-sufficient here, and I'm not quite yet... well... I suppose that's an excuse. I'm an adult now. It's my responsibility to make sure my needs are met, and then to form and maintain supportive and positive and lasting relationships with others.
This is all so very hard.
It's true, I could be much more intentional about keeping in touch with them. It's just been stressful because my mom was pitching a fit... and I haven't heard from my brother and I've been trying to get settled and organized and figure out my roommate situation. Ok. I've been doing the best I can. There is no need to defend or explain myself. Just move forward, and do the best I can from here. Now. Today. Always do my best.
I need to move. I keep saying that, and I keep not looking for a place to move. Part of me doesn't want to, because I've invested so much time and energy into these current relationships already (even after a month). Geez Louise. Imagine how much time it will become if I keep going on. Wow. I feel guilt, though, at imagining leaving. The male roommate has gotten pretty attached to me. This is so complex. And I'm afraid of being lonely. It's so nice to always have someone to pay me attention, even if sometimes the attention isn't really what I want or when I want it. I suppose if I leave I could always come back, or, remain friends. It's just that I've seen his reaction to things so far, and he can get really upset and really push people away. I've been able to be quite patient with him (go me! it's been worth it) but at a lot of energy expense. He calms down when I'm patient. So I'd hope we could remain friends. Hmm. Really there's no way of knowing how that would go. I've got to try my best to follow my heart. What would ____ say? (Cheryl? Maya?)
I'm scared. I feel like my gut has been saying to "leave" ever since I got here. But when I look for other places to go, I don't find any that necessarily call to me.... and I'm scared because I don't have a job..... and I'm scared because the relationship with my roommate seems to be exponentially developing and using energy... I'm scared of the direction my life is developing in. And I don't like living in so much fear. I don't know what to do.
Maybe everything is okay. Maybe I'm where I need to be, where I'm supposed to be.
I don't like the way I feel.
And I'm scared that I'll be lonely if I move.
- Spirit
@singercrystalspirit
Your last two posts have me thinking of you and hoping things work out well. I felt there was an honesty - an openness - expressed in them.
As someone who once lived life so hastily thinking things could be easily undone or divergent paths salvaged and restored, I beg you to think long and hard about the direction of your life. Do not settle for minor discomforts that will multiply in time into monumental pains. Take the short-lived sting of loneliness now and avoid the tangled mess that awaits if you remain in this web of mixed and confused relationships. Your reward for taking the hard but true road will out weigh current and fleeting benefit.
*disclaimer: they say you arent supposed to give advice and please feel free to disregard. And if I misperceived (as only you can know your situation), please forgive my intrusion/comments.
