Whatever it Takes

Dear diary,

I've realized that I have the belief that anyone who is open and trusting with me is in and of itself a red flag... I see other peoples' (men's) willingness to be vulnerable with me as a sign that they want to sleep with me and/or manipulate me and/or take advantage of me and/or see me as weak and exploitable. And I see this as a sign that there is something "wrong" with them -- some unresolved trauma of their own that they are unwittingly acting out of. Therefore they are not safe for me, because they are unaware of unhealthy patterns they are acting out, and they are not acting in my best interests and I cannot trust them. I do not know whether this is a correct instinct sensing these things in many men, or whether it is an unfounded fear. I have a lot of untangling to do.

- Singer

Dear Diary.

It's Saturday, Aug 19th.

I hate everything. I hate everyone. I'm f*cking done trying. Nobody cares. And the people who do care, care too much. Life isn't worth it.

I don't know where all this rage came from, but it's here.

I'm like a trapped animal in a cage again and I can't take it any more. I can't meditate my way away from it. I belong out of the cage.

Eff people. I am so hurt. Patronized and ignored; unable to speak out for fear of being thought crazy.

I can't stop thinking. I want my brain to shut off and stop analyzing. Stop re-interpreting every new signal that comes my way. F*cking chill f*cking brain. I. Feel. Furious.

Furious.

Furious.

Furious.

Furious.

I hate my self. I hate my entire life. I hate everything I have done, and everything I will do. I have no compassion, and I want none. I am deserving of hatred. And rage.

What is this voice inside my head that is telling me these things I have written above? From where did it come? Am I mentally insane?

Everything feels wrong. I feel entirely inadequate, unequipped, to live this life or function in this world whatsoever. I have no one to even talk to about this.... I could call my parents... they aren't going to know what to tell me. Maybe I could call my dad tonight.

What's wrong with me? Why am I experiencing this? What am I experiencing?

Still Saturday.

I am not even remotely ok. Why is my brain broken? What in the hell is going on? Why am I feeling this way?

I am just going to crawl in a corner on my bed here and tell myself it is all going to be ok.

Diary:

Something very important came to my understanding this evening... I had a memory. I remembered that I started this pattern of hoarding food in secret as early as elementary school. I had thought my eating disorder started my freshman year of high school. But now I see that it started much younger. I hadn't remembered that memory until tonight.

And now I believe my therapist that I must have had attachment trauma.

**does anyone in trauma community know about/talk about #attachmenttrauma ?

The little girl I babysit... she is 7. I saw her display this hoarding food in secret, today. I believe this is what triggered my memory. I was only a year or two older than her when my first memories begin.

There was a use for me coming on this work trip, after all.

I all of a sudden feel so much compassion for my self that I never felt before. That I developed this sad habit, that hurt me for so many years...

But it's just a habit. It's just a habit that a 9-year-old girl got into, from a story she told herself. I can write a new story. I can make a new habit. I finally remember and understand and I can do things differently now.

I am the master of my fate:

I am the captain of my soul

Diary.

It is FINALLY hitting me to have compassion on myself. All those years beating myself up for being fat (and I wasn't even "that" overweight -- I definitely could have been more overweight), for binge eating, for not eating normally, for not being able to eat "like everyone else" .... THAT WAS NEVER THE PROBLEM. I knew this but I'm realizing it on a level where I feel I am actually ACCEPTING that this was never the problem. Before, I was just telling myself that this wasn't the actual problem. I actually believe it now.

That is why I ought to have compassion on myself... if I am engaging in these behaviors, it is because a part of me inside is still hurting, and was hurting back then as a small child when I started. Before, I was angry at myself for hurting. I didn't want to "have a problem." I finally understand more fully what people mean when they say you are "blaming yourself" for others hurting you. I have been blaming myself so deeply I couldn't see my way outside of it to realize that's what I was doing. I was blaming myself so deeply that I couldn't think around or outside of the concept of my "having a problem."

I NEVER "HAD A PROBLEM." THAT IS WHAT OTHER PEOPLE TOLD ME BECAUSE THEY WANTED TO "MANAGE" ME, INSTEAD OF HELP ME. THAT IS WHAT I WAS MADE TO FEEL BECAUSE THEY WERE DISPLACING THEIR RESPONSIBILITY FOR MY CARE, ONTO ME. I feel like I still am not fully grasping this, or the ramifications of this.

more to come...

Ok. Trauma recovery diary, Tuesday, Aug 22.

I am taking what we call a "self-care" break from 7cups / from trauma community. I feel dragged down; I believe I am focusing too much on what has harmed me, and I need to be out and about in the world and life. I have been spending a lot of time on 7cups.

I am 4 more days in Rhode Island, before back in L.A.

I have things to do. I can find resources here. I will be all right. It is an adventure.

I will be back once I feel recovered.

Take care everyone, hugs and love. xo

Dear Diary:

Saturday night. On the plane returning from work trip to L.A. where I will begin my stay with my friend, who has not been very communicative while I have been away.

I feel exhausted. I'm not certain I'm doing the right thing. I feel scared. I wish I had a best friend. I wish I had a significant other who I trusted. I wish I felt connected to people right now instead of so spent and alone. And tired. I don't know how to rejuvenate. I'm on my way back to the LAnd of alone.

- Singer

Tuesday, Aug 29th.

Dear Diary,

I feel restless. The feeling came over me a little while ago. I'm unsure why. I don't know what I need to do, but I feel I want to do something other than what I am doing. I feel I am stagnant. And I don't need rest. I need to move. But where am I going?

I'm sitting here, supposed to be saving up money to move to Oregon. I'm barely working today; about 3 hours, making $60.

Restless.

Where has all my potential gone? I could be doing so much more with my energy than I've been doing. I don't remember how to use it. It's been. So. Long.

I'm on day four of balanced eating. When's the last time I had that for an extended period of time? Day four of balanced energy. What will my life be now? Room for new things to be created.

What to do with this energy that's sitting here with me? Don't give me suggestions, don't give me advice.

I'm sitting here at a kitchen table and I want to make use of it. No one is here with me. I'm staying with a friend and he's working all of the time. He isn't fun to go do things with, anything with. I don't have money to do things with. Anyway.

I don't have friends in this town. I do have some friends, but they're not close ones, I'm not hearing from them, no one to just say hey what's up let's hang out. None of that.

And it's not a town, really. It's a large, huge, ginormous city.

What do I want to do with my self? I can do what ever I like. What do I want to do with my life? I can't think of anything that is calling me. I can't think of something I love, of something that's bliss.

I can think that I would like to travel, but I don't have money for that. I need to work first. But I won't travel again for a long time, months, and even then I'll just be visiting family, not really traveling. I don't know when I'll travel again. Gosh, I hope it's not that long... that sounds depressing, for it to be that long. I'll have to make it happen sooner. I'll have to travel again, when I move.

How can I make more money? Maybe I don't need more money. How can I make this work...

First day of September.

I'm fighting. Feel like my support has fallen from under me. Struggling to trust myself. Because of something one person did.

Went on a run. Didn't help. Feel like I'm overburdening my support system. Yet I need support.

What do I do?

Good morning.

I am realizing that my anxiety has been super heightened the past week and a half, due from lack of sleep. I had known this was going on, but today it's occurring to me more rationally exactly how this has been working... that I have been seeing the world more negatively, etc.

What I don't know is whether this is a delayed reaction from lowering my SSRI (I lowered the dosage on 7/27, which is about six weeks ago)... I was prescribed the SSRI initially for anxiety. I don't currently have a doctor in easy access... I lowered the dosage because I was experiencing side effects.... and now, what I don't know is whether I lowered it too much and my anxiety has returned? Or whether this anxiety is *only* from the lack of sleep, and I would otherwise be fine.

I want to think it's only from the lack of sleep, because when I initially lowered the dose I was feeling better for several weeks afterward. However, I know with the timing of SSRIs, at about the six week mark (today) from a dose change is when you start knowing for sure whether the original condition (depression/anxiety) has come back, hence is no longer being treated by your current dosage.

I guess the only thing I can do is wait it out to the eight week mark (the mark when you know for sure-for sure how a current dosage is affecting you) and see how I'm doing then. The only problem is, my living situation is still going to be sleeping on a couch between now and then. I just don't know what to do. Even if I do increase the dosage back up, there's a chance it will no longer be effective since I've already come down off of it, and that's another part of how SSRI's work. I don't trust my doctor enough to ask his advice. He works at a free clinic, the type I can afford, and he recently told me SSRI's have been found safe to take while pregnant... something that doesn't sit well with me.

My intuition told me to lower the dosage. That I was ready. My intuition told me to move to [the city I am moving to]. That it was right.

My anxiety is going haywire lately, but do I trust my intuition still, even though I am not currently able to access it? Or do I trust my anxiety? Is my anxiety my intuition? I was not having this problem a few weeks ago... I was finally being able to separate out the two. I also had more of the SSRI in my system then. Is that a direct correlation/causation? Or is it circumstantial? (I am in a different living situation and work situation now than I was then).

I don't know how to solve this. I don't know what the right answer is. I'm going to do the best that I can today to attempt to get into touch with my intuition and see what it tells me the next right thing is. I'm receiving a lot of input from a lot of sources, and feeling overwhelmed.

- Singer