Whatever it Takes

Dear universe:

Help. I'm trapped. Time is running out. I have 25 days left in my city before I have to leave the city. My belongings are in storage here in this city, and I have a mover scheduled to pick them up two days from now and move them to my new city. The man I was going to stay with in my new city... today I have had the feeling come over me that he is bad, that I want to run. It is not that he is a bad person, but bad for me. Very bad. It would be going down a road I won't want to go down. A road I have been down, and was very painful. I don't know what to do. I cannot see myself avoiding this man if I still move to the same city - the attachment is too strong. Way too strong. I cannot see myself being able to avoid the temptation. Even if I move within several hours of him, anywhere in the state, or the neighboring states, at all. I don't know what to do. I'm so confused. A month ago, this seemed like the perfect solution. I loved the state; it was beautiful. Now, everything feels and seems tied to him.

I am so attracted to him I feel nearly helpless, like an addict, like he is a heavy drug. This developed over the past several days. It was not so strong, before.

Help. I don't know what to do. I have nowhere else to go, no other plans... all my plans had been made around going to this state, this city, the things I was going to do there.... start for myself there. Why has everything changed? My intuition had led me there, yet now it is saying run and let go. I don't understand.

I am crying. I feel scared. Universe, please help.

I have nowhere safe to go.

Dear Diary.

I am working with my anxiety therapist. I have booked a hotel room in an area of town I feel comfortable in, with nice enough amenities that I think I will feel safe, as an act of self-care so that I can have an evening of rest in a room to myself. I decided to also inquire about an alternative income source tomorrow so that I can potentially earn money while being able to sleep in and relax. I need to self-care today. I need support, not advice. I want to ask you to pray for me but that is silly, I don't believe in prayer. I think it's just me feeling a need for support in general, to harness a supportive spirit. I hope that I can continue to find that spirit in bucketloads. I was able to access it last night in my breath. I have no wise words. I am, moment to moment, surviving. I am thankful I have the support of my therapist. I am thankful for the support I receive. Thank you.

Update:

An old toxic friend, who I left nearly a year ago, just messaged me. Out of the blue.

PTSD reaction.

I blocked this friend because she snapped, had some sort of breakdown, started telling me awful things, cursing me out over and over again, telling me I had a black soul, telling me she hoped I failed, telling me I deserved all the awful things my abusive ex did to me.

She had been one of my two best friends.

Anyway, she just messaged me, telling me she's been having a spiritual awakening and is sorry for her part in the ending of our friendship... that part's fine. But then she says that now she recognizes some of the "symptoms" I was going through a couple years ago, and that she is sorry she couldn't understand at the time. AS IF I WAS THE ONE WHO WAS A BAD FRIEND TO HER, OR AS IF I WAS THE ONE WHO HAD A PROBLEM, OR WAS CRAZY.

W T F.

My body is having a panic reaction, back to the old days of panic, wondering if I was crazy, if I had borderline personality disorder (I don't), wondering if this was wrong with me or that, wondering if I was an emotional vampire, wondering if everyone hated me... NONE of which is remotely even true. All things my ex and my situation had me worried about at the time. Since then I have learned that what I was experiencing was abuse and anxiety.

Why the hell did this girl message me? Obviously I don't know. But the universe has something up its sleeve... why is it bringing this around for me to deal with again? I thought she was long gone. I thought we would never speak again. Also, she said she heard I was moving... which means someone I still talk to, still talks to her. I barely talk to ANYONE from those days anymore, so I'm wondering how she heard. There is one acquaintance... who I know is good friends with her... it very well may have been him. I opened up to him a couple of months ago, telling him what I had been going through... at the time, I wondered if he was simply acting as a "spy" for her. This would confirm that. I do realize that's a bit paranoid of me... but it's what feels like is happening. Especially since I have not seen him since the one night we hung out and I opened up to him. He hasn't seemed to want to hang out again.

So, I'm triggered. I'm activated. The old fears are swirling around again. Not only the I'm-crazy-and-dangerous fears, but also the paranoia fears of people being out to get me, opening up to me but really intending to manipulate me.

I could just let her message go... I could just let her words go. There is no need to respond... there is no need to put any value on her words whatsoever. There is no need to feel a need to defend myself. Except... I do feel that need. I feel this desperate, panicked need to prove that I'm "in the right," that I wasn't crazy....

The first order of business is to calm my body down. Do something soothing. Perhaps I could take a hot bath. Make a calming cup of tea. Put on some comedy to change the neurons firing in my brain.

Today, I'm having trouble trusting myself because I'm perceiving myself as having difficulty sticking to my own decisions when things get hard. I've already in the past few days decided to move in with my parents and save money, instead of moving to OR. The idea is to move to OR after that... but things change all the time. Am I really ever going to move to OR? It kind of seems like it's now or never. And... like I just chose "never."

I have the feeling I'm making a mistake. Running from my fears of facing life on my own, of being an adult, of making it work, and disguising it as practicality... I'm going to save up money, so that I feel better once I move, feel more stable, feel more in control, feel less dependent upon strangers, feel less anxious.

My opinion of myself changes nearly every day. It's exhausting. I'm not able to really progress in any given direction in life, because I'm constantly changing direction, either due to unforseen circumstances, or due to deciding I like a new direction better. Am I being too hard on myself in saying this? I guess what would be more realistic is to say that I *feel* like I am not progressing, and to say that I feel ashamed. The shame I knew would come if I chose to move back to my parents'.

It feels like I am "admitting" that life isn't working out... that things haven't worked out... that I am retreating. Am I admitting that? Am I retreating, to gather strength in order to move forward? Is that shameful?

I wish I could stop thinking so much and stop being so hard on myself. My head hurts, honestly. (That's probably from caffeine withdrawal, which I did to aid my sleep efforts).

Today is frustrating.

I was going to go off my anti-depressant but then I panicked worrying I would feel terrible again, so I took it. I've called both doctors I've had recently to consult with them.

I AM SO SICK OF FEELING THIS WAY. I WANT TO GET BETTER. It isn't fair and I want to cry. And cry and cry and cry. It isn't my fault. Why do I have to go through this? It isn't fair. I want to be well again; I want to feel like my best self. What has happened to me? Is it my fault? I feel like it is all. My. Fault. For not making better choices. I am crying. I feel I am wasting my life, literally wasting away potential. I am nearly 30 and what have I accomplished. Nothing. N O T H I N G. I have no career...

Stop. I said I was going to be positive no matter what. I am going to be positive. I am going to be positive. I am going to be positive. I am worried being positive is being crazy and ignoring the reality.

I am going to be positive.

I am also ovulating today, and I have noticed I get worse mood swings around that part of my cycle. Which is also frustrating, because after I got my IUD out, I thought the mood swings had improved. Was that just a placebo effect? I had thought that the IUD had made them worse. At least there is that... maybe it is just my hormones. But even that is frustrating. There are so many frustrating things about myself that need balance and management and I JUST WANT TO ACCOMPLISH SOMETHING WITH MY LIFE. I AM TIRED OF SPENDING ALL OF MY TIME CARING FOR MYSELF AND FEELING LIKE A DAMN FAILURE. I just want to be important. I want to be special. I want to achieve.

I need to be nice to myself. I feel so sad.

Dear Diary,

I feel broken and empty. I cannot imagine having anything to offer anyone. I am nearly 30 years old, and I have lost nearly everything. All I have are my memories, many of which are laced with pain. Many of my relationships are gone.

I have given so much over the years, but I have not for the most part given things which I either wanted to give, or which I had full understanding of and was qualified to give. I have mostly pretended.

Will I ever be whole? I wish I could be a powerful woman, a queen, admired and full in her glory. Instead, I am a weak ... little girl. Full of shame at not living in glory. I have put on bravado for far too long. It isn't real.

I feel like I have died in a video game, and I need someone to carry me, lifeless, to a healer. <-- That's my video game life. Haha.

I wish I was like Maya Angelou. I feel shame that I am not. But I can't go on pretending to be strong. It's all a sham. I am one of the weaker ones. I failed at becoming strong. I do not have the confidence I dream of. I feel shame that I do not. At my age. I ought to. Younger women do.

Sincerely,

Singer

I'm following @wizeakre 's example and making a posting of my fears. Naming them is supposed to be most of the battle.

I am afraid that:

- I am mentally insane or crazy (actually I'm not... I'm gifted though) (really high IQ) - I imagine this fear comes from feeling "different" and having other people who didn't understand cut me down, and listened, not really having any friends who were gifted too, and wanting to be "like" the friends I did have.

- Nobody likes me (this probably is related to the above, the feeling different and actually being different) - this fear has been fed by people in my life who have told me cruel things (bullies) - and I believed them because... no one stood up for me other than from time to time an older adult or two who I perceived as "just trying to make me feel better"... I had needed a friend to stand up for me, to the bullies' faces. So really, this fear came from the belief "Nobody is willing to fight for me" I think. Hm.

- I am actually a coward. Like Robert the Bruce, instead of Braveheart. Which... I just researched on Wikipedia, and it turns out isn't even true. The movie makes Robert the Bruce out to be a coward, but in real life he wasn't. It's very black and white in the movie. Maybe in real life... people aren't "cowards"... maybe they all just need encouragement from their friends sometimes. And as I've already stated above... I was lacking that. So.... of course, I might assume that I was a coward. When presented with black-and-white examples like this film. Tying together bits of information that don't really go. At the very least, it's a related thread.

ok..... more later

Dear Diary,

Right now I'm feeling super frustrated. I have a lot of down time, and all that keeps running through my head is all the things I "SHOULD" be doing with my down time.

"I should be making art."

"I shouldn't have this much down time."

"I should be trying to hang out with people."

"I should be trying to maintain relationships."

"I should be planning for my move."

"I should be deciding for sure what I want to do for work, or applying for jobs, or doing... something useful."

"I shouldn't be on 7 cups so much."

"I should be having fun."

I don't even have any clue under gods green earth what I WANT to be doing, or what I NEED to be doing... all I can hear is what I "SHOULD" be doing. Anything I WANT seems impossible, and I'm honestly not sure what I truly NEED. All there is is "SHOULD"s. All my life consists of shoulds. All my life.

Dear Diary,

I'm feeling kind of lonely just now. The man I've been talking to has not been in contact for about a day and a half other than a brief message yesterday. That might not sound like long, but we had been having in-depth conversations most days. It's the longest we've gone without really talking much other than several weeks ago when we had a misunderstanding and went several days without talking.

I know I'm kind of lonely in general right now because I don't have many friends where I live, and I'm getting ready to move, so since he's been a bit absent it feels a little empty. He's out of town, as well as most of my other relationships. It would be nice to have someone to connect with and touch base with right now, nearing the end of my workday, that's all. Especially since my work is somewhat alone. Well... at least my work isn't entirely alone, and I do interact with tons of people (even though it's not on a regular basis).

Anyways I don't need to defend myself I guess, I'm just feeling lonely. It's human to want close interaction with other humans. I'm just sitting here in my friend's apartment alone.

I have a few more to-do list items I can work on, and I'll do yoga and go for a walk on the beach. I hope I hear from him... I want to be careful, though. I don't want to be dependent... it's just hard in this in-between time, when I'm about to move out of state... Hmm. What can I do to take good care of myself tonight? I'm getting kind of tired of watching TV. I've been doing that a lot the past couple of days. (It was a treat for me -- I don't usually watch TV at all!).

- Singer