Whatever it Takes

Dear Diary,

I went outside and threw branches and rocks at trees for about five or ten minutes. Then I clenched my fists and silent screamed. I felt a little better after. I had unblocked him... but then I re-blocked him. As hard as it is, and as many thoughts as rise up and circulate in my head blaming me and worrying about things past present and future, I have enough to deal with. I am not in a relationship already with this guy. It is not like there is a long-term or existing relationship to work through, or that I am throwing away. What is dying, so to speak, is my imagination and my dream of what could be. I must not overgeneralize this into the rest of my life. That is a mistake I have made often in the past. This is one event and relationship, and one only. Everything else is okay. Nothing else has changed. Nothing even really here has changed. It is not my fault. It is not my fault that circumstances were such that we lived a thousand miles apart and were not in the same town to get to know each other. It is understandable that I did not want to change my plans for the risk of something that might not work out. Just because it is not romantic, does not mean that it is shameful. It is not my fault that I am not in an intimate relationship right now. It is not my fault that I have not had a romantic relationship work out long term. It is not my fault that I don't have a partner. I didn't do anything wrong.

Ok, that's not helping. I need to try something new: I forgive myself. [As soon as the idea of self-forgiveness enters my mind, I un-block him from my phone and from Facebook.] I think he probably loves someone else. He has close relationships with others that I envy. When he was telling me about himself and his past.... I envied him. Very much. He seemed to have always had many close relationships, that he remained close with until this day. So it seemed.

So I guess... that's why it hurts so much that I feel rejected. I feel like I am not good enough for him, somehow, in some way. Thus I feel like I am not good enough for my own desires [close friends, close relationships, intimacy] and I feel I do not deserve what I desire.

Dear Diary,

I am going to ride this storm out. There is nothing I can do. My emotions are too high and too strong. Back to my center I go. Away from my thoughts and feelings. Back to my body and my breath. Retreat.

"All things are one. [but] Everything you deal with is only one thing and nothing else."

- The Alchemist

Dear Diary,

I have been enjoying and grateful for Christmas with my family.

Today, the dynamics got more challenging. My parents start to disagree, miscommunicate, and talk past each other, and I observe and feel the rest of us slowly losing energy, slowly tiring, the positivity degrading. Especially when two of us did not sleep well/get enough sleep last night.

I observe myself start to feel worry. Worry, even about going back to my job, about being out of control of my life. Worry about having a lack of stability, a stable place and home to come to in the world. I wonder if there is anything I can do, anything I should do, how I can improve my situation for myself. What I can do in order to provide a more stable feeling for myself, a feeling like I am safe and stable in the world, in my connections with others, in my social network.

It is especially difficult when I do not plan on staying in the city I live in for long, and when I do not know where I plan to live next, and when I am not certain if I will know anyone there.

Some of my dreams of where I want to live (Oregon) may need to be put on hold in order to give me a greater sense of security in the world, being close to people I am already close with (family and a couple of old friends who live nearby), who are imperfect and have many flaws, but have many good sides also. I do not know. I can not tell you this now. They are just things I am contemplating.

I want to build a secure life for myself... I suppose that everyone does. Everyone wants to feel more secure.

How can I cope, when this worry starts to build? How do I retain the positivity, the gratitude? Think....

Dear Diary,

Today did not end well. I have been feeling not like myself for some time now, maybe a couple months. Things haven't been going really well in my South Carolina city in a lot of regards. I'd been staying positive about it, but it's getting harder. I realize the way things is going is entirely my story, the way I tell it, and my perspective. But I feel myself falling further into depression.

I don't know what to do about it because I just got off SSRIs and I don't want to go back on -- they mess up your hormones enough, my face is breaking all out in acne, my sleep has adjusted... anyways, I'm trying to adjust being OFF them. I don't know what to do for help now, though. If I go to a doctor, they're going to prescribe me SSRIs. I could pay for a functional medicine doctor (with what money?) (and with what money for their remedies?). I plan on getting my hormones tested, but what am I going to do with that info other than be prescribed more medicine? I feel really discouraged. I need some type of holistic or functional doctor. I do not like feeling this way.

I don't feel like myself. I don't feel like I have real friends. I feel really hurt that a few of the friends I thought were very close (I guess I was mis-interpreting the signs?) have neglected to tell me Merry Christmas this year. I just don't know anymore how to tell whether someone is close to me or not, and it really makes me worry about myself and my social skills. I have had so many people leave me, my instinct is to block people out. I know better than to do that if at all possible, but sometimes I get very confused about what things are red flags and what things aren't.

I guess.... I don't know. They haven't replied to a lot of my texts, often. I guess it's a sign that they don't want to be as close to me as I want to be to them. I am starting to learn that, because there are people here who I don't want to text back because I don't want to be as close to them as they are to me. This hurts so much. It's like they slowly over years moved away from me, and I have no idea why, and I don't understand what occurred, except sometimes they are closer to me, and I simply don't understand and it hurts. It makes me feel like I need to close off and can't trust people. They had helped heal me and I don't know what happened. I feel very sad.

Anyway, I feel lost and I feel down about going back to work. I feel like I don't have anything in the entire world to look forward to, because I don't know what my future holds. And that makes me think I AM depressed, because I could be looking at things very differently. I don't know what to do. I don't want to live the rest of my life this way. I hate missing out on even one day of happiness and joy due to depression, and I'm coming up kind of on two months. Basically... since I quit my SSRIs. I keep fighting with myself over whether it's my body re-adjusting, or whether I need back on them. I guess I need to see a psychiatrist, but I really don't want to I am tired of acting like there is something "wrong" with me when really there isn't. I have been feeling really low lately.

Anyway I don't really know what else to say other than that typing this doesn't feel like it's helping, and I feel pretty hopeless about getting out of this slump I'm in.

Your lonely sad and pitiful friend,

- Singer

Dear diary,

I should not have come back here. I have failed. I misheard something... and today I heard it correctly. All is not lost. I now know why my inner voice ceased. No, wait -- I didn't fail. I didn't fail in coming here. Something.... I just got lost. No... I just saw. Wait -- I'm okay. I didn't do anything wrong. I'm on my path. All right.... What now?

Dear diary,

Today I am filled with fury.

If ONE more person tries to correct my thinking, interpretation, or behavior...

I want to YELL.

The funny thing is, in the past, I would have thought I did need correction. Now, I'm angry because I don't need correction - peoples' egos are showing. And I'm not being a narcissist. I think I'm finally having self-esteem.

I am fairly certain this is a sign of growth, but it's heavy, strong emotion. I have the instinct that I need to breathe through it. I haven't made the time to meditate in several days now. I am also aware that I am likely attempting to do too many different things in my life. It's hard to keep my activities to a minimum when there's so much I feel is lacking in my life, and so many different things I want to build and create.

My intuition is screaming at me (well, okay, it's not screaming -- it's very loudly continuing to ask me) to SLOW DOWN and BREATHE. And I'm not listening, because I'm scared. I'm scared of missing out. I'm scared of not moving out and away from this job that I really dislike, if I'm not working full steam at 100% all the time to get to somewhere else. Thing is, I'm not really working full steam 100% anyway.

I'm having trouble keeping balance. There are a lot of negative emotions if I'm too still (bored/not enough to do), and there are a lot of negative emotions if I'm too wound up (anxiety, anger). My life just isn't.... working lately. I don't like the way it's working. I don't know, something. And I'm starting to be afraid that I'm heading further and further down a path that's getting worse. Or am I heading down a path that's getting better? How do I know????

I need some freaking time off to simply listen to my heart and see what it's saying, but I'm so scared to take it. I'm scared of being alone, scared of facing myself, scared of what I'll find. Scared there's too much unhappiness there -- scared it's more than I can manage.

I already have 3 coaches right now, plus books I'm reading.... another coaching program I haven't even started because I'm doing too much. But I don't know which direction to go, so I'm trying to cover all my bases. I'm so scared of leaving something out that would have helped me in the future. The stakes of my future feel so high.

And I'm so angry, at one of my coaches, at someone who just gave me work. I'm angry at myself for not following my intuition which told me not to engage with either of those two in the first place this most recent time each of them had something going on (but I did anyway), confused because both of those people helped me in the past. I feel confused who to follow, who to listen to, when to stop, when to move on. And scared. Scared to move on too soon. Scared to leave something behind that I wish I wouldn't have, later.

What can I do? I will pray that some angel reads this and has some wisdom to share with me.

Diary,

I'm also wondering if maybe people don't like me??

Or if fewer people like me than I think, and people like me less than I think??

There have been many people lately, who haven't gotten back to me, who have stopped getting back to me.........

It's a sobering thought, and a realistic thought to realize that just as there are people who bother me, it's quite possible that there are other people who I bother.

And it's quite possible that that may change over time, just as I change my mind about others over time.

Holy crap. How am I supposed to lead a stable life, with THIS in the mix??????

Dear Diary,

I want to give up. I am through. I've had it.

This SUCKS.

I HATE EVERYTHING.

My job sucks, and I am tired of being grateful.

My health sucks, and I am tired of staying positive.

I am STUCK. I am STUCK. I am STUCK.

I am stuck here in South Carolina in this inspiration-forsaken place indefinitely.

My money is not going to go as far as I thought it was going to when I do finally get a raise. I did a budget yesterday.

I am not going to be able to progress as quickly as I thought, which includes getting out of South Carolina and includes getting out of this job.

I am scared of who I am becoming and who I am turning in to. I am extremely sensitive to environments and that includes this job I spend 9 hours a day at. Cubicle, fluroescent lights, less than savory co-workers. I can already sense myself evolving and I feel scared.

I want to get out of here before it's too late; before I become someone I don't want to be. I miss Los Angeles. I miss my dance class there. I miss having hope that I would find somewhere to move that I would love. I miss the hourly rate I was paid at work there. I miss being in a job that, even though it was a nowhere job, was a part-time job and everyone knew it was a temp job. I am scared. I am scared as hell. I'm running towards things I said I hated: The American medical system; A full-time salaried job; Working in an office/cubicle; "Putting things off" until I "have more money" i.e. budgeting when the future is uncertain no matter what we plan for.....

Somebody please help me.

My dad has an interview for a new job tomorrow. My mom is having major surgery tomorrow. I am feeling scared because of my own medical issues and job issues. I am also feeling scared that in moving back here where my family is, I am simply soaking up all of their issues and their issues are becoming my own... the very thing I wanted to escape from when I moved to California in the first place.

I am so scared. I am afraid it's almost becoming too late.

Somebody please help.

Why do I have a stupid fish beside my name? I don't like fish.

I'm feeling better.

I need to get to a functional medicine doc. My anxiety and depression are acting up and I need to take care of my hormones. I need to prioritize this and fit it into my budget somehow. Help me please God 🙏