Whatever it Takes

Dear Diary:

I got sidetracked earlier and did not finish.

I do not remember what else I was going to say, so I will leave it at this.

There is too much on this site to sort through; problems keep cropping up. It's not relationships in day to day life. It's not conflicts that you work through. It's online. I don't know anyone here in person. It's all over text. Anyone here could disappear literally at any time and I would never know where they went. I would never even know who they were. I am sorry a bit, because I know there are a lot of genuine people on this site, but I am not going to invest any longer into a place and a scenario where this is a risk.

Misunderstandings are common enough when talking face to face. Online via text, they are multiplied. It is not positive relationship-building skills to learn to navigate text more effectively. I mean, it is.... but, I don't want to build my text skills. I'm already an impeccable writer. Face to face skills are what I struggle with and have always struggled with, and I need to work on those.

It helped me to be able to reach out through writing while I was hurt enough and isolated enough that I didn't have the *insert word* to reach out face to face.

Anyway, it is not helpful for me to focus so heavily on "mental health". It continues to make me feel and think there is something wrong with me. Instead, I need to be viewing myself as human. Everything I am going through is human. It's things we all go through. And I need to approach it like this. I have always known this, for a long time. But I have been scared, because of what abuse I have been through, to deal with it that way.

Likewise, it has never been helpful for me to focus on "physical health". I go overboard. I obsess. I know this about myself. What helps here, too, is to think of myself as human. There are certain things I need and enjoy, and that's all there is to it. It's simply human to take care of oneself. And that's what helps me.

Because at the end of the day, my health is entirely out of my control as is anyone else's. And that's why this site feeds my "illness". The focus on my health feeds my illness. All I can control is my habits and practices. My obsession with my health has been hurting me for long enough. I have no control over the results of my habits and my practices. All I can choose are those. (TBC)

Dear Diary:

Anyway. Here's my goodbye post. I didn't intend to split it between three posts (at least-- not spread so far apart) but so be it.

The short of it is, I haven't wanted to be on 7 cups for a long time, nor have I been happy with it, but I've felt stuck and like I "needed" to be on it. I don't like that.

I have received some beautiful advice and love and friendships from people on here and I thank you so much for that.

Thank you for embracing me into your trauma community and I'm sorry I ended up in a way attacking it. I think I'm really upset that I didn't find the support I needed, although that isn't any of your faults.

Anyway I don't know why I felt like I needed to make a big deal of this. I guess I was just still mad about that person.

So.....

see you later, 7 cups.

- Marissa

Dear Diary,

Hello. I'm back. I really didn't think I would be... but I got pretty lonely. I ended up moving to the city where my siblings live. It was fun for a few weeks while I stayed on the couch at my brother's. It was really nice to come home / be around someone I was close to every day. Then I moved out and got roommates, and it's been different. They're great, but, they're also new. Just like all of the people I'm meeting. And, I started having relationship dynamic difficulties with my sister. We're working through it, but it's painful and hard.

I also still don't have a job. My fingers are crossed waiting to hear back about one that would be a game-changer. My savings are running out and almost gone. I thought it might get to this place... but I don't like it now that I'm here. I feel stressed, and stretched too thin mentally and emotionally. I'm making a lot of new friends, but even that... has become draining, because it's so many relationships at the brand new stage. I want to be grateful that I'm not isolated but I find myself exhausted with so many different people some of whom I don't really click much with at all, others of whom I click only in very specific ways, and trying to balance it all and not give off too many mixed signals or lead people on. And in the midst of so many new people I haven't met any "special" people... well, I've met a couple special people in certain ways, but I haven't met anyone that feels like they might become a close friend. And I've expended so much energy to meet people in different places. I've even had more than one rejection. All of this makes me cry.

I just realized it's been about two months since I've worked / brought in any money.

I've been off all medications for about six weeks now. I believe in my choice to discontinue, however, I also believe I would be more comfortable if I had a doctor's support. I didn't have a doctor, because I moved. And... I haven't put the resources into a doctor I can trust. Maybe I need to use some of the last of my savings towards that. I will tell you that I'm scared. I feel scared of what happens when the savings run out.

In other news, my anxiety/depression counselor who is online-only (and we spoke on the phone once) says she doesn't even think I "need" counseling any more, however she is happy to continue to help me if I want. I decided I did want it for now... it's nice to have the resource. Except I've needed (well, wanted I guess) her for the past several days, and she hasn't responded. Not sure where she's gone. Sometimes she does that. Since we don't have a set schedule, I never know when I'll hear back. That's the downfall of the online format. But of course the upside is I can message any time I want, and, it's portable (I can "take" her anywhere), and I don't have to be at a place at a time. I feel like I'm convincing you, diary, that it's a format that works for me.

Anyway, I suppose I'm beating myself up again, and being hard on myself. That's a habit that's hard to break. I'm trying. I wonder what I can do tonight to go a little easier on me? I've been going through a lot... I just moved across the country, I'm looking for work, I'm going on lots of interviews, I'm meeting lots of new friends, my sister had a baby and my relationship with her is changing, I had to find housing. I've been under a lot of stress. I'm probably handling it all remarkably well, while telling myself I ought to be handling it much better and ideally.

Oh, I was going to leave, but there's one more thing...

I miss Shaun. We only texted for two and a half days, but it was really so nice to have the company, on text, just all the time. I felt supported, I felt understood. It felt like we just clicked. It was easy. It was very refreshing, due to being surrounded by so much that's so difficult. And then... it snapped. The relationship broke. I know, logically, that it wasn't good to begin with for a relationship to start so fast and so suddenly and so all-encompassing-ly. But it felt. So. Good. I feel... very scared that "clicking" with someone is bad, scared that I will never "click" with someone who is healthy... scared to become too close to someone too fast, and scared that I am not letting myself be vulnerable enough and am consequently pushing people away. He had told me he was an ex-heroin addict. It makes me wonder about me.... this is not the first time I've been in love with an ex-heroin addict. And I had a six-year relationship with an ex-cocaine addict.

And my counselor says I don't "need" counseling any more. Don't get me wrong -- I'm thrilled to think that I'm healthy mentally and emotionally, and that all of this trauma stuff was overkill... misunderstanding... something that's behind me now. I even messaged my old therapist -- one I had back in high school -- and she thinks coaching is what's right for me, not therapy.

So... is all my trouble because of my ruminating, when I get into a dark, sad, or lonely spot? (Basically fixating on small things that are going wrong, and blowing them up until they sound like they are all of my life?) Have I been off 7cups for so long because I've been able to successfully manage and avoid from six weeks ago until now? Maybe a good dose of focusing on the positive right now would do me good, and set things back into perspective. I will tell you that I have a major headache... and I simply don't want to go to bed, because it stresses me to think about tomorrow. I haven't been taking care of myself, because I haven't felt that I..... can. I have felt powerless more and more often, the more my savings dwindle. It has been a challenge to keep my head up and to keep a positive attitude in regards to that.

I think I need to get in touch with my spirit and decide what feels right, regardless of money. I get into these modes where I say "I can't do that -- Go! Go! Go! Make that money! Push! Push! Push! You need to survive!" I'm in that mode now, and my stress hormones are kicked in. I needed to heal from those. Those are the reason I left L.A.... because they got to where they were turned permanently on. Yet here.... I'm not finding work. But I need to heal. What do I do?

I haven't got a doctor's word on this, but I feel fairly sure my adrenals are shot. I duno. But again, how am I supposed to rest when my savings has run out? My adrenals aren't healed. I had hoped that the Universe had got my back. I had believed It was taking care of me. But it hasn't seemed like it in a few weeks, I guess is what all this is about and I've been saying. I haven't known whether I've done something wrong, or stepped down the wrong path.....

I have a headache. I think I need to get some rest. I don't know why I want to keep on typing. I guess cause I feel lonely, sad, lost, and afraid. I'm even beating myself up for being on 7cups tonight, for being in one of the chat rooms and for typing this diary. "You need to be doing more effective things to help yourself," the critic says. I just want everyone to leave me alone. All the new friends, all the new friendship obligations and polite responses.... I just want it all to go away. But I can't. Because my new friends are helping me find work, and I do need work. And I have so many interview emails to reply to on such a regular basis. But it is draining me so much. I need it to stop. I want to shut it all off, but I feel like I don't deserve to and that I can't, because I'm running out of savings. And that upsets me even more, that I'm intentionally not practicing self-care or holding boundaries 'cause of money and fears.

What comes first: Self-Care, or Money? Having money leads to self-care. Or does it?

- Singer

Dear Diary,

I'm in a pickle. I moved to South Carolina for my family. Not MY family, (I'm unmarried/no children), but my FAMILY. My parents and siblings. And... I've been here about 9 weeks, and it's been starting to feel like family overload. Some of us are physically sick this week. My parents are going through their typical stress -- they're still married, and clearly dislike each other. Today was my mom's birthday... I called her briefly to say hi (because we talked for over an hour yesterday), and she's been out with my dad and brother, and they are apparently just acting like they really don't want to be around her or doing what they're all doing together.

Sigh.

I think my parents' dynamic has taught me a lot of ill-informed things, like how to stay in relationships with people when we don't get along (instead of leaving the relationship and finding someone where we like each other), whether romantic or friendships.

I don't know what to do. I want to have a family I am close to, but it keeps reinforcing all these negative dynamics.

My mom on her own is so positive, but she refuses to leave this relationship, and that's a whole other can of worms/story.

As for me....

1) I finally got a job two weeks ago. I'm an admin assistant, and it's boring as hell. My job literally consists of occasional scheduling calendars and occasional ordering office supplies. It's also in a cubicle, in the healthcare billing industry, and I am an ENFP free spirit artist inventor type person. I'm like Mr. Incredible.

2) I feel like my family is getting sick of me, and I of them. I don't know what to do because I moved here in large part to work on my relationships with all of them, and that's been happening, but I kind of thought it would be happier than it's been lately. My sister is really busy with her new baby, and I'm enjoying the new baby, but she's always too tired to do anything fun. I wasn't thinking ahead of that when I decided to move here for the baby's birth. I wasn't realizing that my sister and I wouldn't have that much fun because she'd be so tired all the time. And my brother doesn't reach out to me. I've talked to him about it and he seems to want to hang out a lot, but yet he doesn't reach out and the dynamic is frustrating to me because I don't like to always be the one asking. And then my parents... they are a couple states away but they visit often. I call them a lot, and I'm starting to really not want to. I've never wanted to be as close to my mom as she wants to be to me, and I've always wanted to be closer to my dad than we've been. That's something to work through with a therapist but I really don't feel I have the energy to do that right now. There is so much else I'm working on.

3) I am about to start life coaching with some therapy sprinkled in... Don't know how I'm going to make it work financially. Doesn't go through insurance. It's with my therapist from when I was 15, so I specifically want to work with her, because I think she will be able to help me with some missing pieces of work I've been wanting to do. No idea whether it will relate to the parental stuff mentioned above.

4) I am trying to figure out what to do for career still.

5) I am trying to figure out where in the country to move still.

6) I have to balance still trying to stay happy enough here and have enough of a life here even though I don't plan to stay here. That is tough.

7) For some reason I seemed to make these three friends here who I thought we hit it off but as I got to know each of them better I realized I don't like them as much as I thought I did, so I've been trying to back off but it's in fits and starts because sometimes if I get lonely enough I reach out even when I really don't want to because I wish I had someone to reach out to, and then I think, "Well you DO have someone to reach out to!" But when we hang out I remember why I stopped reaching out because I don't have a good time and I'm always trying to leave ASAP. And then I think back to the first thing I mentioned about the dynamics of my parents' relationship and not liking each other....

8) I wonder if I ought to get back on antidepressants. I normally strongly support my decision to get off them, but after talking with my mom and sometimes dad, I start thinking I ought to get back on. I don't want to get back on, but sometimes I am depressed lately. I don't feel energy and happiness and inspiration. Today I even had several moments of an anxiety attack at work until I decided I was OK and proceeded to make plans to hang out with one of the people I don't like hanging out with. And then did that and came home etc.

9) I have health insurance now, and it's better than the insurance I had in California. Much better. So that's a positive. It starts in January. I will be able to find a PCP. I'm looking for one now. A female DO who specializes in women's health is ideal. So far I've found a female MD who specializes in women's health and preventative health. I WANT to see a functional medicine doctor because I want to get my hormones figured out, and find the root of my depression and anxiety and acne and part-time-insomnia and fatigue once and for all. I want to make sure I'm being effectively treated. And it's going to be a crap shoot if all I do is go and see a bunch of different specialists on my insurance plan... that would mean I would have to be the one tying all the info together, and I haven't been through medical school. Not a good idea.

10) Did I mention I am currently making $32,000/year and functional medicine doctors cost around $500 for the initial visit and then follow ups are like... $200 or $250. And they don't take insurance.

11) Did I mention my life coach costs about $150/session? I could find a therapist on my insurance, and in fact I did find one, but I want THIS one because I worked with her when I was 15 and I really think she will have some info and insight that can help me.

12) Did I mention I am $2,500 in debt on a credit card? I am going to get a balance transfer to stave it off but just saying, I'm going to have about 12 months to pay it off in 2018.

13) Oh and it's Christmas.

Dear Diary,

It's a new day, and I'm posting again. This morning, I feel fury.

I feel fury that I am back in a mental state of discouragement, depression, and negativity. I worked hard to pull myself out, including doing things I didn't want to do like taking medication. Another thing I did to pull myself out was move out of my apartment, put all of my things in storage, decide to move out of my city, and go on a month-long road trip to decide where. This resulted in many upheavals and changes which have led me to where I am now: South Carolina, working at a recently-obtained full-time temp-to-hire administrative assistant job in a healthcare administration building.

I was so happy at some portions of my road trip, and I met so many amazing people along the way. I felt my intuition speaking strongly at many points, and though I had down times, I had faith and inspiration, and friends.

Here, in South Carolina, things are different.

My parents are still in their marriage, still living in Virginia, still not going to counseling. I am coming to see that although my father's advice has been very helpful to me along my journey, it is not the end-all be-all of advice for me. I am remembering my need for boundaries with my mother, and I feel worry and strain about putting those in place. I feel my sister's need for boundaries with me, and I feel pain and I feel acceptance of that need. I am understanding that my family is not all lumped together as one: My parents failed many of my expectations and it's a just (valid) upset that I have at those failed expectations even while it's my own responsibility to move on, but I can hold my siblings to no expectations ever, at all. This leads me to the broader understanding that I can hold no human ever to any expectations. Only my parents. And, as I said, even there my responsibility is to let go and move on. How do I let go and move on while maintaining a close relationship with them? This has been my dilemma directly for the past two days, and indirectly I suspect brewing in my mind for a few weeks heavily, and for even longer beneath the surface. Many years, really. The self-judge and critic comes in, telling me I am a loser for not resolving this dilemma ten, fifteen years ago, hey, if I had come out of the womb without it holding me back, that would have been even better.

Changing gears, I dreamed about my ex long last night. I prayed before bed that I would have dreams to help me. And when I woke, I vaguely remembered the events but they quickly escaped. All I now remember is that, over and over, I dreamed about my ex. The self-judge and critic comes back in, berating me, why am I still thinking about him? I should have moved on. Move on, singer, stop letting him control your life! Interesting how much the self-critic's voice here, sounds like my dad's.

Changing gears again, I have had the idea yesterday that I could pursue a certificate in nutrition and begin a career, self-employed, as a nutritionist. This is a career that would pay high hourly, which would enable me to work fewer hours for the same income, and it would also work well with my being able to travel when I wanted and work when I want (and wear the clothes that I want) thus enjoy the type of lifestyle I want. I also can continue to go back to school and pursue another (unrelated) degree for another part of my career while I do this for work. I have a feeling of reasonableness about this, that it is a reasonable and sensible decision. This is new for me: I am used to becoming very excited about ideas, and wanting to follow through on the exciting ones. The problem with those exciting ones, I have learned, is that they are not sustainable. I need a way for things to be sustainable. Excitement, as an emotion, is too energetic, too high frequency. It does not last. There is a voice in me that protests I might be betraying myself, and there is a louder voice that says I am maturing. There is yet another voice, also loud, that says I can't do that, because it's something my ex suggested I do years ago. Then there is another, mama bear voice that says LET HIM GO.

More to come.

Dear Diary,

These are the questions I am pondering today, and pondered yesterday, and pondered two weeks ago.

What if my life were......

Easy? Grounded, and connected to the heavens? Carefree? Joyous? (difficulty imagining that one) Fulfilling? (difficult imagining that one) Enriched with love? (difficult imagining that one) Blessed? Filled with blessings? Exciting? (not sure lately if I want that one) Full of adventure? (after a recent conversation with my mother, starting to think that's not what I ought to want) Beautiful? (after contemplating my father, not so sure this is possible) Thrilling? (not sure if I want this, as there's a down side... when thrills cease, there's a sadness. At least in my experience, when people and relationships don't follow through and don't continue) Filled with purpose? (not sure I any longer believe in this) Full of love?

What if I could......

Achieve anything I dreamed? Find love? Live comfortably? Live in Oregon? Live in Oregon with the one I loved who loved me and be surrounded with faithful, trustworthy, and supportive friends and community? (I really want this.) Heal all the wounds from my past? (This would be incredible.) Be happy every day? Wake up glad to be alive each and every day? Let go of the pain of the past? Have clear and beautiful skin? Have a job I loved that utilized my strengths and paid me well? Be debt-free? Own a house? (Own. Not pay mortgage on to live in)

What if I experienced myself as......

Good. Free. Beautiful. Intelligent. Full of light. Worthy. Full of peace. Pleased. Pleasing. Wise. Happy. Lovely. Sexual. Desirable. Healthy. Admirable.

What if I experienced others as......

Friendly? Supportive? My friends? Pleasurable? Enlightening? My loved ones? Safe? Trustworthy? Reliable? Allies?

@agreeableKite

My achievements this year:

I did a photo shoot in New York while I was visiting NYC for the first time. I found a psychiatrist who took my insurance and could help me find a medication for the anxiety I was experiencing. I titrated on to that medication, slowly over a period of months, keeping detailed records of how it was affecting me. I visited Nashville for a second time, to decide if it was where I really wanted to live. I visited Portland for the first time, to see if I might like to live there. I ended a relationship with someone who was hurting me. I continued working, in the midst of all this. I made new friends with the baristas at my local coffee shop. Even though the friendships didn't last, I made them. I stood up for myself to a friend who had been treating me in a way I didn't like for years. I successfully and at least mostly compassionately navigated several dating relationships that didn't turn out the way I'd hoped. And I got back up after. I put in my 30-days notice to move out of the apartment I hated. I got rid of the bed I had shared with my ex. I sold the dresser an old dating partner who hurt me had given me. I sold the desk that reminded me of my ex. I let some of my possessions go, into the trash, to Goodwill, possessions that although it might have hurt to let go, I had no legitimate use or need for anymore. I moved out of that apartment, and into storage, with the help of a few neighbors and friends. I ended a relationship with a therapist who I no longer trusted. I found a new psychiatrist when my current one stopped taking my insurance. I found a new therapist, an online one who was portable for me to take with me when I moved. I planned and then executed a month-long road trip, majority of which was solo. I deliberated upon and purchased necessary camping and travel supplies. I got my car ready for the trip with my mechanic. I packed up my car with only what was necessary, leaving the rest in storage. I lived, for four weeks, out of my car, embracing the adventure of sleeping in hostels, camping, and couch crashing with (mostly) friendly strangers. I hiked 21 miles in one day. I hiked 5 days in one week. I successfully avoided a grizzly. I saw 6 national parks. I hiked several mountain summits. I went on adventure with my younger brother. I met lots of different people from lots of different parts of the country and had lots of interesting and inspiring conversations. I saw northern Nevada for the first time. I saw Wyoming for the first time. I saw Montana for the first time. I saw Idaho for the first time. I saw Washington for the first time. I decided where I wanted to move -- in Oregon. I got all my trip photos and videos uploaded to share my journey with loved ones. I earned a chunk of money babysitting for three weeks in Rhode Island. I made a new friend while I was there, and got to see two old ones. I finally, for the first time in my life, went skinny dipping. I endured a month on the couch of a friend who was treating me horribly, learning and practicing new coping skills along the way. I gracefully exited a relationship that had evolved into something I was uncomfortable with, even though it meant no longer being able to move where I intended to move in Oregon. I dealt with this disappointment in the most aware way I could, and made a decision as to what to do instead -- move to South Carolina. I re-arranged my belongings in storage, re-packed my car, and drove for a week across the country to make the move, solo. Along the way I stopped and I visited my life coach, meeting her in person for the first time. I made a new friend in Boulder, while seeing Boulder for the first time. I made it through a night of being snowed in, inside my car, on the highway overnight. I saw Oklahoma for the first time. I saw Texas for the first time. I re-connected with an old friend I've always wanted to see again. Nothing happened with it and I don't think it is going to work out (not by my choice), but I accomplished doing something I had been wanting to do. I saw New Orleans for the first time. I jumped into my new temporary home of South Carolina and met many friends. A couple have lasted in one way shape or form. I tapered myself gradually off my medication. I applied for many jobs. I networked. I got hired as a substitute teacher here. I found a full-time job here. I had in-depth conversations with my sister, and with my brother, and a less in-depth with my other brother, and some old wounds got brought to the surface and partially addressed or repaired. I shot my first two ever rolls of film on a medium format camera. I finished processing my photos from the road trip. I started and finished a professional photography website gallery with my photography up on it. I posted my first blog there. I took a hiatus from social media. I won my online therapist's opinion that I no longer needed her services, although I could continue them if I wanted. I made the decision to discontinue them. I applied for and received health insurance for 2018 that is coverage enough for me to afford to see doctors.

And that about brings me to today.

I've almost held this diary for half a year.

Today was my first day in adulthood. My Saturn Return ended yesterday.

I'm 30 years old.

30 years young.

I don't feel much, and I don't feel panicked about it. What does that mean? I don't feel much connection to people, or things. I feel an understanding, a wise understanding, but an apart understanding. Like I'm a mentor, looking from the outside in. I think I'm currently afraid of or avoiding attachment. Is that bad? I feel like I'm growing and learning. I think it's in a good way. But maybe it's not?

What is the difference between attachment and addiction? Because I'm studying addiction lately, and working on overcoming my own. I want to be attached, but not addicted. How?

Dear Diary,

I decided to post this here, because I believe it belongs.

@agreeableKite4304

@singercrystalspirit - where you been - what you been doing - how are you - tell us tell us - youve been gone for sooooooooooo long:)

😁

Hiya Kite 😊 I've been living in one of the cities in South Carolina for two and a half months now. It's small here, and not a lot going on -- not anything near what I'm used to, but the quiet has been good for me, if in general boring. I've gotten to know a few people, some not so great, some alright friends, some good friends. I've gotten to work some things through in my relationships with my siblings, which I think will set us up for success in keeping in touch long-term. I was at a point, before moving here, where I could have lost them. My brothers, anyway. And then due to my sister changing after having her baby, who knows but that I would have potentially lost her too, had I not been here to work things out. I've changed my schedule around a lot -- I get up at 5:30AM now, which is early for me, and go to bed around 9PM. I only did this because I got a full-time job. First full-time job I've had in three years. It's a temp job, which I might get offered perm (I hope: Salary increase). However, it's nothing I'm interested in, I'm just skating through. So I'm not trying too hard, and I'm investing my energy instead into coaching. I'm hiring a life coach to help me work through some barriers holding me back, and, I'm hiring a career coach to help me decide a new path that I feel happy and confident to go down, and get moving forward on that. I'm also getting my health in line. I've chosen two doctors so far from my research, and am in the process of choosing others, to go see to iron out my heath concerns and heal myself, now that I have health insurance. So, I'll stay here in this city for long enough to confidently determine my next path, and long enough to allow myself to heal.

I'm not on an adventure right now.... except, I am on an adventure right now. It doesn't have the highs of traveling... but neither does it have the lows. I am still on my adventure. I am still on the same one. I am in a resting spot for the dark time of the year. I will emerge when I am prepared to.

It's odd not having so many emotions, or having them be much more mild. It's a bit perplexing, and also... a respite. I am telling myself not to worry about it too much. It's likewise odd not being so in tune with strong intuition. However, my intuition has shown up at certain times, so, I know it's still there. I think I just don't need it right now as much.

That's my update 😊 (That's my story, and I'm stickin' to it!)

HUGS 😁😁😁 It's good to see you, friend.

Dear Diary,

I am writing this morning because I am mad. Mad, mad, mad. Mad at myself, mad at this guy. I don't know how to process my emotions. Maybe if I write about my experience, it would help.

I met him in college. I was filming a short film with my ex. My ex introduced me to this guy. This guy and I acted together as love interests in this short film. We had a "sex scene" in the short film. I had a crush on this guy then, but I was in a relationship with my ex, so I never did anything with this crush. I never got to know him outside of working on the short film. Maybe that's partially because I moved away after, plus I stayed with my ex.

Fast forward I duno, five years. I'm split with my ex. I find this old crush on Instagram and follow him. He never follows me back. I unfollow him, cause that irritates me when that happens. Fast forward, I duno, some more months. I've been working on my photography. I was also on-set photographer for that short film. I send this crush a link to the photos, cause there's a lot of him. (Ha.) He either doesn't comment, or barely comments, I don't remember. He doesn't sound nice, right? Except the thing is, when he DOES comment, it's really nice. It's hard to explain. He had this way of uber-connection. He is one of those people who, like me, looks right into your eyes when talking to you.

Fast forward to Christmas a year ago. I am back in my college town visiting. I run into a mutual acquaintance who also worked on that short film. She mentions my crush had been visiting last week. I feel comfortable enough to joke with her and tell her I had a crush on him. She says, "Oh who doesn't have a crush on him?" I feel slightly upset and off-kilter, and wondering, you know, "What does this mean?" but tell myself it's no big deal, someone could just as easily say that about me. I am an attractive person, there's nothing wrong with lots of people finding you attractive.

Fast forward to this past fall. I am going on my road trip moving across the country, and on an impulse I message him on Facebook to ask him if I can stay with him. He doesn't respond even though I can see he read my message. OK, so I find another plan and somewhere else to stay. I message him again to let him know, "Never mind!". And then he RESPONDS. He says he is sorry he took so long to answer my first message because it would have been great to see me. He says to let him know if anything changes and I need a place after all. So I'm like okay.....

Then, it turns out my plans fall through and I don't have somewhere else to stay after all. So I said hey, I'll message him back! And I did. And he said yes, stay with me. And at this point I was not plotting or any thing. I was simply thinking it would be nice to see him. I had always wanted to get to know him. He had seemed like a wonderful guy. And I had been noticing he had been going on similar adventures as me, mountain climbing, road trips etc.

God, it's making me really upset just remembering all of this. I want to cry and I'm angry. I really had put a lot of stock and imagination into him.

Anyway, I met him when I got to his city. We hit it off big time, at least I thought. And we really connected. I felt like we were old friends. We laughed, we shared stories. He seemed deeply interested in mine. We hung out all night, and then we slept together. I was in between. I knew I had a decision whether I wanted to or not. I was very attracted to him, and there was a part of me that didn't want to. And then there was a part of me that said, "Why not?" I went with the "why not". And it was nice. It wasn't earth-shattering or anything, but it was nice, and I could see it going somewhere. And he cuddled afterward, and it was very intimate, and we laid there joking. And then the next morning, when it was time for him to leave and me to leave... I very strongly wanted to ask him if I could stay the weekend (I wanted to alter my plans at getting to my destination in time for my birthday in order to spend more time getting to know him) but I didn't. I told myself I was not going to do that. I moved across the country once for my ex, I was not going to alter my road trip in order to stay a few more days with this guy.

I want to cry typing this, because I think it's all my fault it didn't work out and that it's my loss.

And so I just left and went on my way. I didn't tell him how strongly I felt about him, and he didn't tell me anything either. I think we parted with a simple "keep in touch."

A couple days later, he texted me on my birthday to tell me Happy Birthday. I thought this meant something, like he cared.

Then the texting petered off. I told him I didn't like texting... he said he didn't either... he said the most he could do was probably check in once in a while because he's in grad school... and then I only heard from him once more. I tried a few more times, maybe once every several weeks or months. Sometimes he'd respond, sometimes he wouldn't. I found myself altering my behavior and not being myself. And then we get to today.

For weeks now I've been contemplating blocking him, deleting him, etc. Today I decided to do it. Because I have become convinced that he's just not that into me, as they say. I'm fighting with myself, because I want to believe that "if I had only told him how I felt, if I had only stayed in his city to get to know him"...

There was so much interesting we had in common, like our upbringing in parts, being from the same area, him wanting to move back there. I have even been considering moving back there now, since talking with him. Even though previously I had never wanted to. Even now that I've blocked this guy, I'm still considering moving back.

But, for all I know, he's still friends with my ex. That topic didn't come up. I also know for sure he's friends with another guy who used to be my friend and betrayed me. It would have been messy. But does that necessarily matter? I know lots of couples who met through someone's ex.

Sigh.

It's all over now. He'll think I'm psycho for blocking him. I was trying to resist blocking him in case he changed his ways, because guys always think you're psycho when you block them. But the point is, I don't deserve to wait around. I was constantly waiting around for my ex. I don't want to wait around for anyone anymore. But I'm also fighting with myself, because maybe it wasn't wrong that I was waiting around. Maybe some people are worth waiting around for. I don't know.

I'm miserable. And I don't know what to do or how to deal with or process this. I thought I was standing up for myself by setting boundaries and deleting him, but the truth is I'm feeling very conflicted.