Whatever it Takes

Dear Diary,

Today has been tougher. I had some negativity and feeling down and fearful come over me this afternoon strongly, and my therapist recommended that I see what I wanted or what I liked or what would be enjoyable and to do that. So that is what I've been working on doing.

It's harder on the days where the Universe isn't sending tons of signs your way (or you aren't seeing/hearing them) and you feel like you are kind of on your own. It's hard to still trust that what the Universe sent you a few days ago still holds water.

I'm already encountering challenges/obstacles on my tentative plan to get to Portland, which is to be expected. It's a matter of solving them and staying the course. It's just that I'm encountering doubts today about the validity of my goal (getting to Oregon). I'm comparing myself to others, and thinking, "Well, I ought to be building something important in my life... my goal is only to get somewhere. That isn't a good enough goal."

And then there are more thoughts such as "What if I never get any farther? What if I am a wanderer my whole life? What if I never build anything? What if my dad is right?". I suppose you call those types of thoughts "worries".

My biggest worry right now is that I will never find a partner/husband to spend the rest of my life with. I truly want a best friend to live the rest of my days with, to travel and journey with together, but I worry that in this modern day and age people aren't interested in relationships like that anymore... even more so, I worry that relationships like that simply aren't practical or possible anymore. Hm. I guess there's no use explaining worries and why you are worried about certain things. You just stay inside the worry loop. You can't explain yourself out of it.

I will use the tool of prayer. I have been doing that again lately. It's just that right now I don't feel like I can access that tool. Hmm. Last week it was very useful for me in releasing worries. Today, I feel a lot of guilt like I'm not doing enough to alleviate the problems that I'm worried about.

I also feel angry because I am under a lot of stress, and a lot of things in life are important to me, and I don't like prioritizing and having to choose. I don't like thinking that my anxiety may partially be due to prioritization. Maybe I can make a list of all things I am worrying about, and write out which ones I can and can't control. And work on the ones I can control. I think someone even suggested that to me not too long ago.

I guess I just get frustrated because so much is OUT of our control.

Anyway, I'm going to go take a shower now. I'll write more later probably. I think I have a lot to get out.

- Spirit

Dear Diary,

I'm back. I showered and went to the coffee shop. The baristas flirt with me, haha. I think that's why I like it here. It's positive human interaction.

So, I realized I'm putting off my job application for substitute teaching. Putting off things causes anxiety. It's just... Well, there is no it's just. I'm putting it off. I am using the excuse that it seems like a waste of time for moving to Portland to be my goal. I am getting caught up in anxieties and second guessing.

Man. I just tried to get working on it and I can't -- I gotta wait until Monday when places are open. There is gonna be SO MUCH RED TAPE and so much stuff to do in order for me to move to Portland. It is gonna be a really big deal. I'm really not sure that I want to do it. Maybe I will just stay here I don't want to stay here. But I am tired of working so damn hard and not having anything built or to show for it. I feel overwhelmed....

I FEEL SO DISCOURAGED. And I'm doing this all on my own... Argh. I'm being negative.

I guess I could just go home and relax... play the guitar... I guess I could make myself to-do lists and know that I'll get to them on Monday.... it's just that my life is piling up with SO MUCH STUFF TO DO. ALL OF THE TIME. Argh... and it's all just bull shit stuff I have to do to survive. I wish I enjoyed my life more. Now I'm complaining. But that's okay, this is a diary. I wish I was working on stuff I actually enjoyed, I wish I actually enjoyed my life. I want to enjoy the process. How do I get to where I can enjoy the process? Does it mean I made a wrong decision to move to Portland if I'm not enjoying the process of moving there? Because life's not about the destination, it's about the journey. So am I doing this all wrong? Am I not supposed to go there? Argh!

My heart is definitely saying Oregon. And I am definitely a follow your heart person. I just wish it was easier.. I wish you could just go. Why do you have to jump through a million hoops first? A million and one hoops to try and get even a job there, let alone all the other things that need to be done. It's difficult enough that it makes me think it's the wrong decision to go. Aren't things supposed to fall into place when they're right? I really am confused. And feeling frustrated. Argh.

- Spirit

Dear Diary,

I feel like giving up on Portland. I

Dear Diary,

I am unloading on you this weekend, aren't I? I had nightmares about my mom abandoning me last night. I dreamnt I was with her, my sister, and a couple others, and they just left for the weekend without telling me, while I was in the other room. I walked outside to find all their cars gone. I messaged my mom telling her that she had been a horrible mother to me lately. I can't remember what she responded, but I remember it didn't help me feel better. I think it was defensive.

It's funny that I had this dream, because in real life I had my ex do this to me one time -- in a different way. I was taking a nap in another room and there were people over and I woke up to find all the lights in the house turned off and everyone gone. (It was at night). I felt so abandoned and I felt furious and I walked all the way to the bar where they were and yelled at my ex in front of everyone.

I guess in real life I've had my mom do it to me, too, I just don't see it as clearly I suppose.

So I woke up realizing I don't have my parents' blessing to move to Portland, and that is really bothering me a lot. I would like it. I would like them to send me well off on my way. I mean I know I'm not leaving yet, and I know there's still time, and they probably will... I'm not sure. I'm not sure about my mother, her reaction when I told her my intention to move there was pretty abysmal. I don't understand why my parents get so sad at me not staying closeby. CHILDREN AREN'T SUPPOSED TO STAY AROUND. THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO GO OUT INTO THE WORLD AND DO THEIR ADVENTURES AND DO THEIR OWN THINGS AND BECOME ADULTS. THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO GROW UP.

I don't understand why they tell me "You can be happy closeby." What is that about? Why do they guilt me? Why do they wish to engender such horrible feelings of distrust in myself and my heart, and lack of confidence in my abilities to succeed? Because in other regards, they seem to love me. So it's so god damn confusing for me.

And, they helped me move out of L.A. They provided emotional support all the way. I don't know how I am going to move 2800 miles solo, without their emotional support. You know what's funny? I am pretty sure I wrote this exact diary entry a few months ago... I bet if I looked back, I could find it. I just had this memory of it. And it's a hard 2800 mile move. I am in the process now of searching for a job there -- once I find a job, I will enter the process of applying for a personal loan for money to actually make the move -- which will put me into an amount of debt I don't want to think about right now, but will need to look at that number once I get to that stage -- and there will not be anyone I really know that well there, waiting for me.

My heart wants to go, and the Universe gave me signs to go. But my mind now is thinking up all of the reasons why it will be hard and difficult to go, and all of the things and obstacles that wil be hard and could stop me. I suppose I could look at all of these obstacles in a different light, and thank my mind for bringing them to my attention so that I can better plan. I feel overwhelmed, though, and I am doubting and second-guessing my decision to move there in the first place. I don't really have a reason to doubt, as the Universe has given me some damn clear signals that it's the place to go and the thing to do. But there are a lot of obstacles, and I doubt my ability to overcome them alone. Really, also, I fear failure. I fear fully committing to this goal and then failing. Things not working out. Other paths not opening up. I fear achieving my goal and then things not getting easier. I fear getting to Portland, with a loan taken out and requiring repayment, and then entering additional financial trouble. I fear the Universe not having my back. I fear the Universe wanting to put me through some hard lesson about money requiring me to be very much in debt and suffering over money. Perhaps because that's what my Dad has appeared to go through, or perhaps that's Dad baggage.

I know I have allies in that part of the world. I made friends on the West Coast. I have allies in Spokane, Washington. (They are there for half the year). I have an ally in Vancouver, Canada. I have a possible ally in Seattle that I could try calling on if I needed them. I have two probable allies in Portland itself, and two additional possible allies in the Portland area that I could try calling on if I REALLY needed (not so sure about them being allies, but they haven't acted as enemies). I have an ally on the far Northern California coast. I have an ally in Montana, I don't have her contact information unfortunately, but... I know she is there, and perhaps I might run into her if I needed her ever, you never know what could happen.

I think I feel illegitimate going to Portland because I feel like my reason for going there "isn't good enough." I feel like it is a high risk for a not good enough reason. I feel like "wanting" to go there, feeling "drawn" to go there, having "left my heart" there, isn't a good enough reason. Because it's not like there's a specific person or a specific job there waiting for me (I mean -- perhaps there is, and I just don't know it yet). Am I really being asked by the Universe to step out on such blind faith? Does the Universe really ask that of people? Legitimately?

Hell I don't even know what I WANT to end up doing for work when I get there. My plan is simply based around what I CAN do for work to get me there at all. And that is a chief bother to me, that feels illegitimate. I mean, I know a guy who took a job at Starbucks so that he could live in Vail because he really loved to ski. (Any job he could find, in order to live in a certain location). But he was in his early 20s when he did that. I'm 30. And I'm a woman. -- It's striking to me to observe cultural conditioning playing itself out in my head here. I'm a woman, therefore I'm not supposed to strike out on my own on such adventures. Especially at age 30. I'm supposed to be settling down now. I'll be unhappy if I don't. In fact, it's the cause of my unhappiness -- that I haven't picked a career, and a place to settle down. I actually had a (black, male, possibly not born in an English-speaking country because of accent) doctor tell me that about a month ago.

Well all of a sudden I just felt like stopping writing. I'm going to go try some tapping. I'll be back soon, I promise. Haha. Take care, Diary.

- Singer/Spirit

Dear Diary,

I'm not sure what I'm going to do. My plan for Portland hit a snafu today. I was counting on making a certain salary when I got there... and it turns out I don't qualify for the job I thought I'd be able to take. Tomorrow I'm going to look into alternatives that pay a little bit less per day, and are likely to have less days of work overall. I'm going to see if I qualify for those. If I do, I will try and find out some more info and crunch some numbers and see how that will work. If I don't.... I'm not sure what I'll do.

I have to get to Oregon. I am supposed to get there. I just know it. I have to get there. And I have to have a way..... and have work and plenty of income when I get there.

- Spirit

Dear Diary...

I'm finding myself wanting to lose weight and getting unhappy with my body and my eating habits.

Does this mean my eating disorder is acting up?

Maybe it's time to accept that I don't have an eating disorder anymore.

Maybe I need to ask myself -- What's really going on here? Perfectionism?

Or is my body simply getting out of the range I feel comfortable in... and it's okay to rein back? Hmm.

- Spirit

Dear Diary...

I just researched professional photography for lifestyle, portrait, and couples here in South Carolina as well as in Portland where I want to move.

The good news is that people charge more than I was expecting, which means more income.

The bad news is that there are really good photographers out there and I don't know how I would get to that level, and also... I am feeling really conflicted because photography is not my one passion (I have many interests). There are a lot of photographers out there who are similar to me and I don't know how I would be special. It would also be really hard and there would be a lot to learn. I don't feel confident or certain about going down the road of professional photographer. Especially at my age. Although I suppose that really doesn't matter.

It's hard doing market research (which is necessary) while not comparing.

I have been taking photography for nine years, which is a lot of experience.... but some of it is low quality. I have been using the same damn entry-level DSLR for all of those years!

I ought to be able to get people to pay me, but... but... but... I feel intimidated :(

And music is my real love. Am I really worthy of success? Could I really achieve success? Could I, "Singer", really have the beautiful photography website and successful business that it looks others have? Could I really achieve those beautiful photos? .....

Am I really worthy of success in photography AND THEN success in music? Which is my real love that I want photography to support?

Goodness me....

This is enough for one day, that I performed this research. Way to go me. I can do some other things on my to-do list now.

- Spirit

Dear Diary,

Oh. My. Gosh. My mood is CRASHING today. Can I get through it? It is seriously tanking. I feel terrible. Disastrous. Completely and entirely incompetent and behind. Like I should be good at a ton of stuff I'm not good at, like I should be more positive and I'm not, like I'm a complete failure and loser, etc etc etc. WTF?

I am NOT feeling okay. I am irritated because I don't know what to do. I feel upset, lost. I feel like my therapist isn't helping, I feel like I don't have anyone to reach out to, and worse, I feel like I'm crazy, and like it's my fault I'm not feeling better because I'm being stubborn and refusing to calm down (or something). I feel so distressed. I want to cry.

- me

Dear Diary,

Up since 3:15am and can't get back to sleep. My mom texted me back, and I feel so tied up in knots about that relationship. I just want to completely shut her out it's so difficult to deal with her.

My therapist is telling me to listen to my feelings, to think about it, to do what I need to do to take care of myself. And I don't fucking know what I need. I don't know how to know what I need. The best I can do is keep getting on cups and typing in my diary and getting on facebook and seeking support. Why am I so afraid of myself? Of my depths? Of my feelings and thoughts? I feel so ashamed..... it's all my own fault I'm not happier because I refuse to deal with my depths. I'm just like my mom. I'm no different. Fuck me.

No one is ever going to want me. It's no wonder. I'm horrible at relationships. I am just going for it (attacking myself). I fell off the wagon. I don't know how to be compassionate and kinder to myself right now.

I could say I'm pissed at my therapist. For as much as she's helping me, she's also pointing out a lot of flaws that are making me feel very insecure. Of course she is saying that they are things that are making me unhappy, and it's her job to help me, so she needs to point out ways I could change to become happier. Which is true, I asked her to help with depression and anxiety and trauma. But I feel really conflicted about that relationship. I seem to be improving a lot under her guidance, but, sometimes it feels like too much, and I don't know if I misinterpret her or what. I am also sick of blaming myself for things. But if I blame other people it pushes them away. Blaming myself seems to be the only way to keep relationships going.

Dear Diary,

Even though I want to move to Oregon, I feel really sad at the thought of being 2800 miles away from my entire family.

Deaths are going to happen... babies are going to be born. I can fly across for that, but I will fly across alone. I wont be there for the whole journey.