Whatever it Takes

Dear Diary,

I feel sad about my sister being different from me, and believing in things like the literal return of Christ. I feel sad that the things that make her excited and bring her joy are things that brought me pain. I feel sad that I accept and try to take part in her beliefs as much as I can, and she refuses to and feels uncomfortable to try to take part in mine. I feel so sad, and so alone. It feels like I will never truly be a part of my family, no matter how hard I try, unless I re-adopt the same beliefs that they have, the beliefs I was raised with.

Dear Universe,

Why is this my journey? Why is this my lesson to learn? Why is this my pain that I must walk through? Why must I have this slow burn? Why must I be ripped apart over and over again? Aching forever? Why didn't you catch me when I jumped away from the stork too quickly and got born into a family that couldn't nourish me the way that I needed? Why did you curse me with the ability to love so deeply that it's incredibly difficult for me to de-attach from this family who cannot give me what I need to flourish? Why did you curse me with two parents who somehow seem to make me believe it's my fault that I'm not feeling that I'm getting what I need from them?

Dear Self,

Why are you 30 years old and still struggling over this? I feel so frustrated with you I am going to cry.

Dear Self,

I forgive you. This is hard. You are learning and growing a lot. You have come a long way. It's okay to feel confused sometimes. Just breathe. I have compassion on you. If you want to go to Oregon, we will go together. If we fail, we will fail together. I will learn to be your best friend.

- Sing

Dear Self,

You are awesome, you are incredible, you are talented, you can do this. You are going to go far. You are going to do awesome things, and you have gifts to share with the world.

Dear Diary,

I have faith. I believe in myself.

- Singer

My goal now is to stop telling myself

P.S. I found roommates in Portland.

Diary,

I'm mad scared. There's a lot I don't know about Portland. I'm not prepared like I could be. Like it would be ideal to be. Like it would feel secure to be. This is stressful. This is a lot more stressful than it would be if I were more prepared, because there are a lot more unknowns than there would be if I were more prepared.

With 19 days until it's time for me to leave, that's not really time to prepare like I'm talking about. Is this really my path and the Universe's plan for me? To be under this much stress, with this much unknown? I do believe I'm following my heart and reading the signs. But this is a lot of stress, and I'd rather feel at peace.

Taking out a personal loan is frightening, too. I'm considering taking out quite a large amount, because there quite frankly are that many items that I need. And I haven't been making the income. It would be more reasonable to stay in South Carolina. It would be more reasonable to find a job, whatever it was, that paid... and work... and pay off things........ the amount I'm considering taking out is approximately the amount of college loan debt I still have to pay off, and thus would more or less double the amount of debt I am in (considering credit card debt too). Wow.

I feel quite afraid, and I suppose the most I can hope for is that my feelings of fear don't grow so large that I can no longer think straight, or listen to my heart, or find my center. I'm working on calming down the self-judgments, for instance judging how I am or what I am like because of certain decisions I am making or thinking about making, because those judgment labels are not helpful one way or the other in any regard, and also they simply do not accurately describe the situation.

But maybe... Maybe I don't have to look at the debt as "taking out debt". Maybe there's another way to see it. Maybe I'm taking out an investment in myself, an investment in the future that will pay off. The thing is... there's so much unknown. It's a really risky investment I suppose. I don't have a business plan, or a pay-it-back plan... I want to cry.

The roommates I met in Portland are so great. I like them a lot from what I've seen and the situation will be really good for me. Hard, challenging, good. It seems and I feel.

I could get there, and I could try to make a life, and I could fail horribly. I could fall flat on my face. I could have to start over again, even older, farther along in life... who knows. Or, I could do or come across something amazing, and become wildly successful. (Or something in between). I think at this point... I think I almost can't turn back. I don't know how I'm going to do it, how I'm going to make it work, or who exactly is going to help me (although my new roommates have already offered help with certain things, and I know my family will help me if they can -- which might be painful to accept, not sure). But there are helpful people in the world, I do know that. And I have much to offer, I am working hard on living in that mindset.

My therapist just messaged me back, and I messaged her a bit about some of this. I bet she will have some helpful feedback for me about my anxiety especially. I guess I'm gonna go get to work and will see what happens. Don't quite have a clear sense of direction what to do right now so will keep chugging along my to-do's.

- Singer/Spirit

@RavenInTheLabrynth @BeeLeigh @AgreeableKite4304

😢 Trying to find you for hugs.

Dear Diary,

It has been a long, full week. I'm applying for jobs, sending in sublease agreements to my new roommates 2800 miles across the country, putting in notice at my old job, dealing with drama at work, driving to visit my parents the next state over, taking my car in to the shop three separate times for repairs. Amidst all of this I'd signed my name to volunteer with trauma team, which I felt called to do, and this week just happened to be the week I heard back (I'd applied over a month ago, before the big drama happened). I want strongly to give back to the community who has supported me so incredibly much.

Then, today, I woke up to an email in my regular gmail -- NOT my special 7cups gmail, my regular gmail that I use with my real name in the rest of my life -- calling me part of the "leadership team." Leadership team? I didn't apply or sign up to be on a leadership team. But apparently I'm on one now. Apparently that's what "giving back" is called around here. And the email is coming from Laura, who I don't even know on a personal basis. And the email contained verbage for this "leadership team" such as there being trainings and "weeks off". Excuse me? I'm being told to "enjoy the week off"? I plan to enjoy giving back. That's why I signed up to do so.

Then, I got a second email from Laura warning a bcc'd list that there were going to be "changes in leadership" in the trauma community and urging us to accept this news peacefully. She stated one of her reasons as "lack of professionalism." Professionalism? This is not a job! This is not the corporate world! This is a healing community, for freedom and speaking our voices! I should certainly HOPE there has been a lack of professionalism! The very definition of a "profession" is something that one is PAID to do, one's occupation by which one earns their living. As far as I know, we are all volunteers here in this community, and for none of us is this their profession. We have no need to be professional, nor would that assist our goal of healing from trauma. Professionalism is for the therapists who support us, because therapy is their profession. We are friends. We are Piglet and Pooh, and Christopher Robin and Eeyore, and Kanga and Owl and Rabbit and Roo.

Unless I am misled, and some people were doing this for a job and I was unaware. But, in that same email, Laura acknowledged that the people she forcibly removed due to being unprofessional were "volunteers". So we have unprofessional volunteers on our hands, folks. Imagine that. Does anyone know a professional volunteer? Someone paid to volunteer? Raise your hand if you do.

Oh, and then we were informed we needed to move forward in a "professional" manner. In case it hasn't already been made clear, we are no professionals here. We are volunteers, we are friends, we are in need of healing, we are in need of love, we are givers, we are lovers, we are humans. If you want organization, Laura, say so. Come right out and say it. Tell us that you don't like how fiery we are. Tell us that you don't like our lack of respect for rules that aren't helpful to our particular community with its particular needs. Tell us that you won't accept our decision to conduct our particular community in the way it works best for us because it would cause consequences throughout the rest of 7cups that you don't want to manage. Tell us that if we want to be a part of 7cups, we are required to submit to the same set of regulations that everyone in 7cups is required to, regardless of whether our needs are different. But don't tell us we need to be professional. Because that's not what you mean.

The email ended with a link to a form via which we could submit feedback if we were unhappy with the way Laura handled this. A form. Very professional. Which to me, in this scenario, seems to be a code word for "a little too unfeeling" and "removed from connection."

And then tonight, I signed on and I found out that many of my loved ones were forcibly booted off the team. Well, I have lots of thoughts about all of this so I figured I'd record more of them here, which I have just done as you can see if you've just read them. I need to try and go wind down before bed now. But trauma community has helped me find my voice this past year again, and by gosh I will not shut my voice up now, I will speak it out loud.

Take care.

- Singer Spirit

Dear Diary,

Listened to my mom pour out worries about things that could go wrong for me in Oregon and ways I might be hurt or in danger and about foolishness etc for about 25 minutes today. I did pretty well putting up a boundary within myself that those are her thoughts and feelings (not mine), yet, its getting to me. My anxiety is higher than baseline. Ive reached out to my therapist and am looking forward to what she has to say.

I dont want to dwell on worries, anxieties, and fears. I would like to make decisions from a grounded, calm place. I would like to not be so worked up and heart pounding.

- Singer Spirit

Dear Diary,

My anxiety has mostly remained high since Friday, with some moments of calm from effort to remain that way. At some times, it has been very high, and I have felt very triggered. I have felt triggered for example feeling "unsafe" with my new roommates, even though I have double checked on certain things with them and I don't think there is any logical reason to feel that way. (In the past, I have had traumatic experiences involving roommates). I have felt triggered also for example by a new job I am applying for being "pushy" and demanding and in my opinion unreasonable as to how quickly they expect me to get things done. I feel angry because they sprung it on me all of a sudden and then are demanding a timeline. But I feel conflicted because I feel worried about money. And this is triggering lots of black and white thinking, such as worrying I am doing something wrong and feeling trapped between two options only. Anxiety is high.

I actually woke up UNANXIOUS this morning, because I faced two big fears last night before bed. I told my new roommate I was feeling worried, and asked him to confirm for sure that he was comfortable with me living there. He said 100% yes and I realized I had misinterpreted something else he had said, which had caused my worry. (However, my anxiety in general is so high that it's still going strong). And, I messaged the guy I had met online dating who lives where I am moving, and I told him I was going to be in town and asked whether he truly did want to meet up and be perhaps friends, or whether that was his way of rejecting me politely to say so. I can see he's read my message, and hasn't responded yet. So, I was proud of myself for being brave, however, anxiety has come back already. Hmm.

I have been practicing EFT, and I want to go through and read strategies I might have saved in my phone. I really dislike being in this highly overworked mind state because I think I am missing out on blessings that could be right in front of me. However, I am also conscious that I am criticizing, judging, shaming and blaming myself for how anxious I am, and I am trying not to do that, as well.

Astrology reports for the month say to remain grounded and to stay out of anxiety and worry, as they will prevent you from thinking creatively. Well, perhaps I have not done as well a job at that as I could have. I am trying now. I certainly do feel caught in anxiety and worry. And I would like not to. I don't want to miss out on blessings, and I don't want to feel negatively and to be perceiving the world negatively.

I might write more later.

- Singer Spirit

Dear Diary,

It's later. Wrote my therapist back a long message. Am feeling a little calmer, because I am taking time out to do a little bit of enjoyable things and to get my thoughts and feelings out. Am still feeling anxious, haha.

I am so stressed, I just want to run away. I want to run away to Oregon, and just hide. I don't want to live in a busy city, I don't want to have to have busy jobs and work, I don't want to take photography, I don't want to substitute teach, I just want to run away to Oregon and hide. I don't want to just pick up my stress and move my stress with me all the way across the country. I want to leave my stress behind. And I get the feeling I'm not exactly doing that, at all.

Am I actually doing what I want?

I don't want so many computers, and screens, and phone calls... I don't want financial trouble.... I want a simple life, simplify. I want what's right in front of me. I don't want stress. Oregon certainly is gorgeous, but what good is that if I'm still living in stress? Arrrrrrggggggg...

I want my anxiety to be low. I want to figure out what to do. Something doesn't feel right, some of the steps on my path don't feel right... What is the next right thing?? ?? ?? ?? ?? ?? ?? ?? ??

- Singer Spirit