Will I ever make a sound
I feel like no one has ever heard me scream. Maybe I didn't scream loud enough.
Hit, kick, punch. Don't make a sound. No one to tell. No where to turn.
Did I ever make a sound? Maybe I didn't scream loud enough.
Time kept passing and nothing changed. Darkness only grew and has held captive in silent shame.
Did I ever make a sound? Maybe I didn't scream loud enough.
@KLM3278 (this is scary for me to post)
Sometimes it does not matter if you make a sound or how loud you are if no one is listening, then no one will know.
@AmalieAnne
Hug!!! I hope you're ok. You deserve to be more than ok! Whatever happened to you, it wasn't ok ever!! It's confusing and stays confusing doesn't it? Like it happened and didn't and does and you just want someone to stop everything and hold you in a way good and make everything better. You want to feel safe. I did. I do. I'm working on that now. I hope you aren't alone and I hope your safe. Keep trying to heal! You are worth it! We are worth it!!!
@KLM3278 *hugs* this is your diary thread so I do not want to take it over. I thought what you wrote made so much sense. I hope that you are getting somewhere with feeling safe, better and each day have more hope than the last. I am not alone at all and I hope you are not either. We are worth it. As for confusion and what you wrote, it made sense to me because the person who did the sexual abuse was my daddy and first I tried to stop it with words, then with crying, with looks and then in my head. I kind of gave up because daddy is not a bad person but I do not think I will ever know why he did not hear me about the abuse things when he got everything else often without words. That does not make sense still, what you wrote did sadly. *hugs*
@AmalieAnne
Its ok for you to write and say things here. I'm glad. It makes my dairy fee less lonely. And that I am heard. I'm SO sorry your father did that to you? He shouldn't have done things! He should protect you and not eve hurt you. Same with mine. The abuse I think was done to make me, and maybe you, be quiet. It broke me. Other people hurt me to. I struggle with everything being my fault. I know it's not? I know nothing was your fault!!!! Abuse and trauma has made me feel confused about a lot. But I'm glad what I wrote maybe helped you. I'm very glad you're safe now!!! I am safe now to!! I just have to keep telling myself and believing it!!!!
@KLM3278 Confused and safe, yes. Broken, I do not intend to be for very much longer. If you care to join me in that?
@AmalieAnne
I can!! Hug!
@KLM3278 While that hope/stubborness is bright in side me, Let's go do it *hugs*
@AmalieAnne
Together we are stronger & not alone. Hug!!!
@KLM3278 can this be out Let's do it theme song https://youtu.be/5g8i-3GPG3w ? sorry it is called summer jam and it feels right for a come on let's do it theme.
*our
@AmalieAnne
Wow!!! I LOvE that song!!! I love piano music! Okay! That's our keep going even on bad days, we can do this, healing song!!! ❤️❤️❤️
@KLM3278 It has lots of energy in it so *fingers crossed* it will work well 
@AmalieAnne
Is it working? How are you?
@KLM3278 A little, I know that music can help but sometimes the music itself is a pattern does strange things in my head. Has it worked for you?
@AmalieAnne
Same for me. Sometimes music really helps but other times if it's a particular aad song I think it triggers me. And I get in a kinda circle? Does that make sense. Like I can't stop listening to it and feeling sad or whatever.
@KLM3278 Yes I think something similar happens to me although the OCD things is more I have to listen to it again and again until someone stops me. It gets so stuck in me that I cannot let it go.
@AmalieAnne
Me to!!! I call it obsessing. I don't know what my counselor calls it though?? Maybe it's good we can know we do this.
@KLM3278 I am a little happy is not the correct word but it is good I am not the only one who does this. Maybe obsessive is right, not sure if it is good or not.
@AmalieAnne
I'm not really sure either. I think obsessing isn't a bad, bad thing, but it can get out of control pretty quick. So I try to not obsessive to much. :)
@KLM3278 I know what you mean by it getting out of control. I have to try to stop myself like with hand washing not do it as many times but it is difficult and if I get caught then it makes me argh
@AmalieAnne
Very true! You did the best you could no matter how loud you screamed or if anyone was listening. Even if you were to have stayed quite, you did the best you could and it isn't your fault- ever!!! We're listening now and we hear you.You deserve to be treated with respect always.
@KLM3278 Im sorry that you question if you screamed loud enough, Im sorry you had to fight just to try and protect yourself or be heard. It sounds from what you wrote that when you hit back, punched, kicked, it was ignored. That wasn't okay for that to have happened for you. I wish someone had heard you and seen what was before their very eyes
@dancingRainbow45
Me to.
We're here for you now @KLM3278
Too late to prevent the hurt I know, but maybe we can help you move past it? You sound like you've done an incredible job so far, and I hope the shows you do are boosting your confidence and enabling you to feel seen, heard and appreciated. I look forward to seeing your progress in this thread, and if you're happy for me to post in this thread from time to time, I'd love to be here for you. But if you want it just for you, I absolutely respect that.
@DeborahUK
You can post. The encouragement helps more than I probably even realize. You don't know my face or anything about me - but maybe you all know the deepest parts of me? This place I feel able to say things to myself and others, I haven't ever been able to before. I have started to in counseloring. But being anomnous (spelled?) feels very safe in a way. You know some of my big hurts I guess. And my struggles. No one judges. It helps a lot. I wish I could make everything just go away. But it won't. But maybe someday it all won't hurt so much and scare me so much. But I also know I'm no longer hidden. I'm not at the beginning of healing. I have begun. I think that's good to know and be able to say to myself. Thank you for caring.
@KLM3278
Thank you so much for sharing this, I've been struggling with a part of me that feels this way and is not able to speak. Seeing your words some how just me a sense of rest, like someone else spoke up for me without me even knowing what needed to be said. Really cant express how healing this was and how grateful I am. I havent cried for a long time but I'm going to let myself now. 
@LifeIsMyCanvas
Thank you for telling me this. Knowing I helped you has helped me more to. Hug!!!! I've learned it's good and ok to cry. I hope you keep feeling heard because I'm learning we are heard now!
I'm embearsssed by how I feel today. It's hard to explain to myself.
I'm embearsssed by how I feel today. Little and small. My feet don't touch the ground at all.
I'm embearsssed by how I feel today. Confused and scared. Overwhelmed by the things I haven't ever shared.
It's hard to explain to myself - I'm embearsssed by how I feel today.
@KLM3278
Hey there. Embarrassment can feel really uncomfortable. Feelings don't always make sense or make you want to feel them. They happen even if you don't want them too.
For example you can feel lots of love for a dog and feel disgust when the dog licks the bottom of your bare foot. The fact that you felt disgust when the dog licked your foot doesn't mean you no longer love the dog, just that your body doesn't like the sensation of it. It's the way your body reacted, nothing to be embarrassed about.
Sometimes what feels good to your body is happening because of the behavior of others or situations that are not supposed to be happening. This can be really confusing. Understanding that the body reacts how it's supposed to can help make it not seem so embarrassing. Again, these are nothing to be embarrassed about.
@MKJart
Thank you!
@MKJart Embarrassment and shame are linked but not sure how.
@KLM3278 Hey KLM more great words from you Never been embarassed for how you feel, what you feel is what you feel, there is no right or wrong way. Feelings can be confusing as you said, but your feelings are yours and no one should take those away from you, or put you down for feeling a certain way. Feelings are real and there for a reason. Honour yourself and what you feel
Up and down the feelings go
Somedays they're brown, somedays they're gold.
Up and down the feelings go
A force unseen that lives in the soul
Up and down the feelings go
Whispers, screams, shouts, accusing dreams - the voices from so long ago.
Up and down the feelings go
A choice to be made - to sooth, retreat, or fight, each feeling needs to eat!
Up and down the feelings go
@KLM3278 Oh wow, powerful words again and so cleverly put, you really have a knack with words, brilliant :)
@dancingRainbow45
Really? Thank you. It's what's inside me. It's so much easier to write then talk!
@KLM3278 Absolutely!!! Well your giving great expression to what lays inside you and its lovely to read your writing :) Very poignant
@dancingRainbow45
Maybe it helps me get stuff out? And heal to? I think so!!! Thanks again!
Let It Out
Trapped inside the cage of pain, it paces and it roars
Trapped behind walls of steel flesh, its eye burn with the silent plea - the deep longing to be free
Trapped inside a world made small, by care takers who didn't care at all - a hunger grows, but only dreams run across the vast landscape, always out of reach
What would happen though..if...someone found a key? If IT was finally seen? Would that someone Let It Out
@KLM3278 Wow, very powerful words again and so expressive!!! Its so descriptive. I hope your going to start sending these writings in for the newsletter that trauma want to put out quarterly!! Your so good with words. Another fantastic piece of writing from you Miss KLM 
@dancingRainbow45
Really? The newsletter would want these? How does that happen? Who sees it?
Also, thank you for caring about me.
@KLM3278 Take a look here if your interested. The newsletter is for the trauma community and interested others who would like to read it :)
https://www.7cups.com/forum/TraumaticExperiencesCommunity_60/TraumaticExperiencesCommunityCreativeExpressionsCorner_1170/NewTraumaExperiencesCommunityNewsletter_65519/
@dancingRainbow45
The link didn't work.
@KLM3278 You need to copy and paste into browser but I will put the link here for you to click on
@dancingRainbow45
Thank you!
@dancingRainbow45
I just tired to submit a poem but I don't know if it worked. It was sorta hard. How do I know if it worked? ❤️
@KLM3278 Just had a look for you and cant see your submission. If you need some help with this just shoot me a PM or ask another listener on the team to help you as Im about to log off for tonight. Perhaps try it again and I can check tomorrow but as said ask someone perhaps @sujaypai to help you get this done or talk you through how to do it. You just need to fill in all the sections of the forum, either type your poem out, or give a link for it and press submit at the end. good luck
@dancingRainbow45
Ok. I will try tomorrow. I asked a person named Isaac to.
@KLM3278 Isaac I believe is on self care right now and sujay is stepping in for them currently.
@dancingRainbow45
Ohh ok. I will ask her then. Thank you. I don't know why I couldn't do it right.
@KLM3278
They would totally want these. You're very talented.
@MKJart
Thank you.
@KLM3278 Are you talking about secrets that you are not allowed to tell?
@AmalieAnne
I just sorta write. But in my head I was thinking of how maybe sometimes we feel trapped, caged away from the world, and different? What could life be like for us though if "IT" was let out? Whatever "It" is. Can that get released? And if yes, could we achieve our dreams? What is caged - I think maybe anyone who reads this can decide what "IT" is that needs to be let free in their life.
@sujaypai
Can you please help me submit a poem to the newsletter? I don't know how to do it? I tried but it doesnt work?
Thank you!
@KLM3278 Yes KLM I will pm you.
There's a voice in my head. It's been there far too long. It first started talking before I could crawl.
There's a voice in my head. It's been there far too long. It's loud, cruel, and very, very strong. It spews out lies, but claims it's truth.
Tearing down, destroying, but always without proof.
This voice had hands. Those hands had fists. Still, I always wished. The voice would smile, instead of frown. The voice wouldn't always approach with a growl.
There's a voice in my head. It's been there far too long. Always playing hide-n-sneak, but never lifting me up off my feet...into arms that would rock and sing a gentle melody. But those arms, that voice, only brought fright.
There's a voice in my head. It's been there far too long. And the voice sent bullets, these words embedding deep. Taking away all trust, all hope, all confidence.
There's a voice in my head. It's been there far too long.
@KLM3278
Wow, klm. Powerful. So sad but beautifully put. I hope you are finding power in writing these down. And they are so very good. Also a HUG for you❣️
@themainjane
It has been helping me. I decided when I start to feel certain things that I would write the feelings out. I feel less anxious when I'm all done. Thank you for saying what you did. And Hug back!
@KLM3278
I love the poem. It IS very powerful. I can see where getting it all out is helpful. You have a way with words. Congrats on your show too.
@MKJart
Thank you!
@KLM3278 Echoes everyone elses comments, Very powerful and you do have a way with words. I think getting things out like this is very cathartic and healing. It is sad, but I hope that voice changes, or is replaced by a kinder, warmer voice that is full of self love and self appreciation of where you have got to today :)
Today is not yesterday. Today is not tomorrow. Today is here and now - I breathe in the perfect present.
As I look up into the sky I see forever. Today is here and now - I breathe in the perfect present.
Behind me frozen armies march in place, still carrying out orders from long ago. But...if I don't turn around...those footsteps lose their weight. And as I raise my arms up toward the Heavens, I feel a peace gently shower dew upon my head...and I shout...Today is here and now - I breathe in the perfect present.
Dressed in vibrant colors, bursting and swirling, the finest garments only heaven can create. This bouquet of beauty stands upright within my hands. A feast for the eyes that choose to see - A captivitng fragrance, tickling the mind.
Slowly years gone by wave at me as I walk by rows of silent stones. How many tears have washed this soil benathe my feet?
Arriving at my destination. A final earthly home not chosen but assigned. I kneel. I release the bouquet of beauty. The small patch of earth receiving it, almost seems to smile.
I bow my head and pray. My heart grieves the good parts of you. My heart grieves the bad parts that were broken in two.
Suddenly a gentle breeze blows and I feel forgiveness wiping my tears - the promise that heaven gives for all who believe.
You are gone. Just as the summer will be when it relinquishes itself to the winter. You are gone - but my heart now knows your soul is in heaven. This is truly your final home.