tw // sexual assault, suicide, self harm mentions, abuse - my experience and struggles

(replies okay) i was in a relationship for more than 2 years with someone i had met over the internet. it felt like we hit it off quite well right away, we would have fun talking and quickly became friends. i realized that i may have gotten feelings for them, so eventually i told them and we started to date. my first big mistake was i didn't take the time to get to know them personally well enough, and i threw myself into this relationship. this was my first relationship i've ever had though, so i don't blame myself and i've learned a lot. i quickly discovered that they had a myriad of mental issues, and just a few months into dating, they had stressed me out and put all of the responsibility of these issues onto me. i had to talk them down from suicidal episodes, had to offer distractions from hurting themselves that didn't even end up working sometimes, and would put myself in harm's way just for them to be safe and feel okay. it hurt so much. i used to love being able to help and support people, but other people along with them had just taken advantage of me and wrung me dry. i intook everything from them, witnessed episode and episode, saw every breakdown and close call, and experienced so much terror and anxiety at the thought of losing them and it would be all my fault because i wasn't good enough. it didn't help that they were an impulsive liar, lying to me about their age, what they're doing and where they've been, if they were safe and having secret accounts behind my back. i was terrified of them and for them. i was so scared to say no and hurt their feelings and send them into a breakdown that i did things i wasn't comfortable with and things that i didn't want. they had coerced me and broken me down and i had never felt so drained and heartbroken and wanting to run away from it all. they were a sexual assault survivor themselves, which adds salt to the wound that they would use me like that. this other instance is still confusing to me but i'm pretty sure i was cheated on too. but despite all of this, i still stayed with them. despite everything i still stayed, and it hurt like hell. i felt like i had no where to go and i wouldn't be happy ever again and i was stuck and wounded deeply. eventually, i met my best friend and my now-girlfriend (any pronouns) and she was there for me. they listened to me and supported me so, so much. she's the one who gave me the confidence and strength to push my ex away and break up for good. the day i finally did felt like the greatest relief of pain i've ever felt. i had still stayed friends with my ex despite that because of my fear, but after they got angry with me for being with my current girlfriend and ghosted me, i decided to block them for good and erase them from my life entirely. i'm no longer in this terrible situation and i'm still here standing, able to have days of peace. i still struggle a lot with flashbacks and anxiety and letting people in and being affectionate sometimes, but i've finally decided to take the step to let go of my pain and my memories and bring kindness to myself. it's definitely been taking time and i have my moments still, but i'm hopeful and staying patient. i'm learning to be more confident and no longer let anybody take control of me. i hope this can inspire others who have been through traumatizing situations and to let you know that your pain won't be forever. please keep holding on, and thank you for listening if you've read this far into it. please cheer me on as i continue to recover ❤️