No Matter How Good Life Is - Trauma is around the corner...
It feels like no matter how much I try to improvement, I still managed to get triggered by the smallest of things...
I'm about to move soon to my OWN spot, and it's been a little over a one year since I've been able to live on my own again due to traumatic events (left a domestic violence situation, dealt with job loss, custody related issues, betrayal, eviction, car repossession, car accident, toxic family/friends, and more...).
I should be HAPPY or ECSTATIC right now, but it's very difficult for me to feel 100% positive emotions... I'm used to being miserable...I'm so used to struggling. I feel paranoid that everything I worked hard for will come crashing down soon.
My new friend who I consider my older sister, has been amazing and pushing me to improve...I would consider her my true best friend. Sis told me she's been through similar rough times and keeps encouraging me to do better and gives great advice. I honestly look up to her A LOT. She adopted me into her family, and even has a son the same age as my toddler son. They act as though they're brothers and get along really well.
I feel bad for holing myself away from her for a while...She was gracious to allow me to stay at her guesthouse. I've been wasting money going out with another friend, who I shall call **Mickey who is younger than me...Spending money a lot eating out and on useless things. Since she's younger, I feel like I'm not doing a good job at being a better influence. I still don't have my *** together, at least, not 100%...
I used to be SUPER organized, I budgeted and was great with finances, and cooked nearly daily...but now I'm blowing my money in order to combat the old feelings that resurface from the trauma I've faced...Also..as bad as it sounds, sometimes I feel slightly triggered by some of the things Mic says or do... We both "trauma-bonded" and she is one of my best friends too but...There's just some things that make old (bad) feelings from my past resurface.
When we hangout, we tend to go out to drink, eat out, or go to a specific...exotic club.
I don't know if maybe I'm trying to live the years I wish I could have had when I was younger, and now I'm doing these things to feel young again or...what exactly I feel...I feel good but bad after doing these things...Like, I could've saved my money for something else. I don't want to keep spending money all crazy or willy-nilly...
I don't know...I feel there's more I want to say, but I feel tired and it's pretty late right now, so I will leave it at this.
@ImpudentIncognito
It is a common theme IMO that people who are starting to emerge from a bad situation and looking forward to a new life . they want to have some fun or do things... you probably have felt deprived of eating out and blowing money on items you might not need in short term seemed fun.
When i read this you are progressing but you know that your younger friend is not helping you by creating a setback in money etc....
Your older friend is trying to show you a way forward and frankly sometimes starting down that road looks and feels rigid or stressful and some do what you are ... blowing off steam ....... which can be self sabotage.
The trick is what do you want .... you know finances .... you know what it will take but keeep going out examine why not just about your friend.
@ImpudentIncognito
I agree with @Toughtiger6481.
I understand how you may be feeling about my own relationship. Being in a toxic relationship is extremely hard, but recognizing that fact is always a wake-up call. Things that were not visible then suddenly come plainly into view. The fact that you have removed yourself from that environment took a lot of strength and courage. That is Admirable, and I am proud of you.
When we are deprived of the joyful things in life when we can come from under those bonds, it tends to make us overboard in trying to make up for what we feel we could not do. However, those behaviors can be pricey and cause us grief or resentment later because it puts us in a trap that we don't see until we do it.
Your friend, that is like a sister, is being very practical. And trying to be supportive of you. Right now, she is the best person to walk with you at this time of your life, and your go-out friend is a person that, once you can stabilize a bit more, would be a friend to go out with occasionally.
Now that you are in a better place, stabilization is the most important thing for you and your son. Often times we do not realize that we are sabotaging ourselves, but it is so easy to do unaware. It is not your fault. It is how your brain has process the things that have happened to you. So please be gentle to yourself.❤️ We are here to support you on your journey to healing. Thank you for being vulnerable enough to tell your truth. I myself am still in a bad relationship with a bit different circumstances, but in the end, it is the same; WorkingitThrough2 is why I use that profile name.
We are all here learning how to work through our issues to healing and it is a process my dear.❤️😊