Triggered After A Medical Procedure
Hi everyone. I am posting because I am completely overwhelmed and do not know how to navigate the headspace I have been thrown into.
Recently, I had to make a hospital visit to get a trans-vaginal ultrasound and a pap smear for my PCOS. A male doctor performed the pap smear and it was a really painful experience because he was quite rough and told me to stop screaming since I had already done pap smears previously. I felt quite heavy afterwards and I did not realize that I was bleeding until I had to undress for my ultrasound.
During the procedure, I felt anxious as there were a few medical students watching me get the procedure done. While the doctor and the students were lovely, I did not know beforehand I was going to be observed. I felt really off and hurried home as I felt exposed. I felt violated, but I could not pinpoint why since I was not even assaulted in both procedures.
Ever since that visit, I have been experiencing an extreme CPTSD flare-up. It triggered buried feelings around a past sexual assault, and I have been thrown right back into the exact sensation of being helpless and completely unsafe. My mind and body feel like they are constantly on guard, waiting for the next bad thing to happen, and I am so exhausted from feeling hyper vigilant.
Because I have been running on empty and reliving one of the worst moments of my life, my tolerance for anything unsettling is nonexistent. I feel a lot of anger, but also exhaustion and helplessness. Shortly after the hospital visit, a situation happened with a guy I was seeing. He lied about a social media habit from me when I was unwell even when confronted and it took me being furious for him to admit it. In a normal state, lying would already hurt, but in the middle of a massive trauma response, that breach of trust completely shattered my sense of safety. It felt like another violation, and I completely lost my mind from the pain of it on top of the pain I am currently feeling.
I feel like the discomfort from the hospital visit compounded with the dishonesty has pushed me past my limit. I am overwhelmed, exhausted, and feeling like my world is not safe anywhere. I hate looking at my body and I hate having people look at me. I just want my brain to go quiet.
@adventurousTangerine1126
@adventurousTangerine1126
Often with a training hospital they will ask a patient if interns/ students can observe especially a private type of exam/ etc.. It was rude and unprofessional to dismiss your saying it was painful also. not that you will get much satisfaction but if given a survey of how your visit went tell them.
You could also call and ask how to give feedback as patients should have choice of observers and the DR could and should learn better attitude or bed side manner when doing that sort of procedure. it may give you some sense of standing up for yourself.
@adventurousTangerine1126
Reading about the trauma that you experienced is painful . You deserved to be treated with respect and dignity. There are numerous sites online to report reviews on hospitals and physicians. Would it be therapeutic in any way to go to any of these sites and write about the trauma you were dealt? I hope you find some peace and healing from this terrible occurrence.
@adventurousTangerine1126
My heart aches for you after reading this, and I am so incredibly sorry you had to go through all of that alone . What happened at that appointment was a real violation of your boundaries and your body, and it makes complete sense why having your pain dismissed, being watched without consent, and then dealing with a breach of trust from someone who should have been the one who you could trust while already hurting from your medical condition completely shattered your safety. It is normal to feel empty and feel like your world is unsafe ,your anger and exhaustion are so valid, and you don't have to carry all of this alone, there are many people willing to help you out as well as specialized organisations.
Thank you so much for trusting us with something so personal and painful. What you experienced sounds incredibly overwhelming and it makes complete sense that your body and mind are reacting this way. Your feelings of violation are completely valid, even when it is hard to pinpoint exactly why. You have been carrying so much and you deserve to feel safe. You are not alone here and we are all here for you