Why should I be pretty or happy looking to others?
I'm 20, I was 19 when 4 unknown men raped me violently in a car and then a street-side and tried to kill, failed in that so left me to die. I since then have on my own tried to help me, I am taking therapy, I talk anonymously at safe spaces including here and have 1 good friend to support throughout. I don't feel the need to share it with others in my life even though they love me a lot.
I get comments from some people who I shared about this in past for just once and are only acquaintance sort of that I look dull, I should change my hairstyle, smile more, etc. When I try to look good, I immediately start to feel guilty about it as in why I want to look good. I am hiding this from everyone around me by maximum times looking cheerful and good to them, it's draining. I am healing but it's still a long way...Hiding flashbacks, nightmares anxiety from others and carrying on normal work is manageable but tough for me, I don't want my life to stop but I want to for atleast a single day feel and show to even myself completely as to what I really feel...
@energeticThinker3129
I'm sorry to hear you had such a horrible experience at 19. I hope therapy has been helpful for you so far
I completely relate with what you said about having to put on a fake cheerful face for others. It can be draining to constantly act like everything's okay when its not. *offers hugs*
I just want you to know that you're not alone and your feelings matter too. If only there were a pause button on life so we could finally be ourselves for a little while...
I know it isn't easy opening up to others and neither is it easy to hide your feelings. You mentioned having a friend whom you trust. Are you able to be vulnerable with her around? From personal experience, I know things feel a bit easier if we have at least one person we can completely be ourselves with.
If you want to talk more about this, feel free to put out a general request or message a listener from the browse listeners page.
For further support with your anxiety, you could check out the anxiety support subcommunity.
Cheers~Sierra❤️
Thank You Sierra❤ He's actually a guy who loves me and we mat after this incident and he has always taken care of me, he is available 24/7, gives so much respect and is always there when I need him. Only issue which arises is sometimes he doesn't let me be alone and don't want anyone around, but everytime we talk on this he does promise to control this urge, he just says he can't see me cry.
And I am now a days active on Sharing circle where I have met some very good people and I feel supported there. I am among the lucky ones for whom therapy is free and have resources to access help so utilising them to the most, it's going to take time but sometimes I feel happy too as I am now:)