Grief and Grieving
We all, including our loved ones, are part of Life. We are complex creatures. Hundreds of thousands of things have to go right, every day, for us to be alive.
This makes us amazing, almost miraculous beings. But at the same time, it makes us vulnerable.
Some day, we will pass away. Some day our loved ones will do the same. As far as we know, we are the only species conscious of this painful truth.
This truth is so overwhelming that it could be paralyzing. We have to forget about it, at least consciously, to carry out our daily life.
But it is inevitable that at some moments of our life it will present itself, sometimes drastically and unexpectedly.
Love is a powerful force in our life. We love crucial members of our family, we love our dearest friends.
Love and grief are both sides of the same coin. We can't have one without risking the other. Grief is the link between love and loss, we grieve the loss of those we love.
Grief is a complex emotion. It varies widely among different people, both in the feelings involved and in their intensity.
The most frequent and significant feelings are strong pain, deep sadness, and an agonizing yearning for the lost loved one. But many other feelings can also be present, like anger, anxiety, numbness, emptiness, loss of meaning, despair, etc.
Even regret for "not having done enough" to avoid the worst, or relief, in case of a painful sickness preceding it, can be part of this complex set of feelings.
Some of these feelings, like extreme anxiety and numbness, predominate immediately after the loss, while some others might persist for a lifetime.
Other feelings are triggered by the "secondary losses" that follow the main loss. These secondary losses could be related to the past, like the loss of our previous "happy" identity, or the change of our social status, like becoming a widowed person, or an orphan. We could feel even self-pity and shame in these new social roles.
Feelings triggered by the "secondary losses" may also involve the future, the shattering of our hopes, expectations, and plans of a life together with the deceased person.
In the most extreme cases, everything that we previously took for granted about our lives feels destroyed: we are painfully forced to construct a `new normality' in which the deceased loved one plays no part.
Following the seminal and widely influential work of Elisabeth Kübler-Ross "On Grief and Grieving" (2005), grieving was put "on the spotlight" of mental health sciences, under a theory comprising five consecutive stages:
- Shock and Denial: This is the first reaction to the huge loss. People can't accept it has happened, they are numbed and can even get delusional thinking the loss has not occurred.
- Anger: After the first shock wanes, and denial becomes impossible to sustain, they become frustrated, and very angry. Typical thoughts would be: "Why her/him/me? It's not fair!"; "How/why can this happen ?"; "Who is to blame?", etc.
- Bargaining: The third stage involves the hope that the individual can avoid a cause of grief. People can bargain or seek compromises, and build "what if scenarios" with thoughts such as "If If I had done X, it would have not happened", or "If I could, I would trade their life for mine".
- Depression: It is characterized by the loss of interest in life and previously enjoyable activities, and the prevalence of thoughts like "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I'm going to leave soon too, so what's the point?"; "I miss my loved one; why go on?". People despair, recognize their own time limit and the impermanence of all things. They spend most of the time extremely sad and gloomy, and may become silent, refusing visitors and and any social activity.
- Acceptance: In this last stage, individuals recognize that this is an inevitable part of life. Thoughts like "I can't fight it; I should prepare for it" prevail. It is characterized by a melancholic, calm, retrospective view, and a more stable condition of emotions.
This scheme of five consecutive stages has been widely influential, and the essential reference to all studies about grief. But at the same time, subject to much debate.
On one hand, it is widely accepted that it established the view that grieving is not only inevitable, but also a necessary process. Grieving is the human way of coming to terms with a huge, life-shattering loss.
On the other hand, it has been criticized because of its rigid arrangement in a sequence, and the rigorous definition of the feelings corresponding to each one, which might imply that there is a "right" way to grieve and deny space for other feelings and other ways of grieving.
As this model has somehow permeated the popular culture on the subject, the idea that the bereaved has to go to some definite phases becomes an expectation of those close to her/him, creating social pressure to someone that might be following its own genuine path, different from the "standard model".
If the bereaved fails to display any obvious signs of grief during the "normal process", or if their overt grief lasts more than, say, one or two years, they might be judged as behaving `abnormally'. They are often told then that they should be `over it by now'.
In reaction to this rigid sequence, extensive research has recently been conducted, and as a result, various other schemes have been proposed , in which different behaviors coexist in any sequence.
There has even been identified an "oscillation", back and forth, between looking back (grieving), and looking forward (building a new life).
In an upcoming Discussion we will address the relevance of all these concepts for Trauma.
Questions:
- What has been your experience with Grief in your life?
- What main feelings did you have while grieving ?
- What phases did you experience in your journey to recovery?
Hi, Marcelo. Thank you so much for this post. I'm so sorry I'm too down right now and I don't have interesting things to say.
Thank you, Kimmy, for your kind words. And for making the effort to answer my post, even that you feel so sad right now.
Keep in touch !
All the best.
Marcelo
In all honesty I'm choked up just typing this. I've been grieving many many things the past months. I think bargaining was first tbh - alot of thought spent on if I would have done this or that. Denial was there for awhile. Lately it's been depression and I think anger
I'm told that there's no real time line when it comes to grieving and that the stages can change and go back and forth. Everyone grieves differently
This is a really nice post. Thank you
Thank you for your kind words, and for sharing your personal life experiences on this painful topic.
I wish you will feel better soon.
All the best,
Marcelo
I’ve grieved for different things over the last few years. My mother died suddenly in 2018. I was the one who found her.
I took in my father until his death in 2020.
One month later, I had a massive heart attack.
Most of my grieving came in the form of anger and guilt.
I am sorry for all the pain and sadness you went through.
Thank you for your honest and valuable contribution.
Marcelo.
Hi, Welcometochat
and to everyone else.
Grief is hard, I lost my son in 1992, and I am not sure I was able to grieve him then, but I was so angery at him for letting him self get killed. I know that sounds crazy but that was my feeling. I think it too me a year or so before I felt anything. That was a great post thanks.
I am sorry for such a huge loss.
It must have been very painful.
I have seen that reaction in other people, mostly in cases the one that left hadn't take care of their health.
It's like they were not responsible for the damage their d eath would cause to their loved ones.
I hope you have grieved enough by now and feel calmer about it.
Thank you for your honest and valuable contribution.
Marcelo.
This is a fantastic post, really well written!
Awesome work @ WelcomeToChat!
Thank you very much, Cow !
Your words are very motivating and gratifying to me.
You are very kind.
All the best!
Marcelo.
@WelcomeToChat
Well, I've had a lot to grieve. Probably more than most, but I'm not one to say. I've never felt much denial, mostly because I refuse to live in an illusion where I don't get proactive to being blindsided. I've probably spent most of my life being angry, and my capacity for strong uncontrollable anger is something I've had to work on. Bargaining, I don't know... Like, I've been helpless to help in a lot of situations. I don't know if I experienced bargaining directly much. I got into self-harm instead... But by now, I've just been getting silver-tongued and clever... If I'm resourceful enough, I can't be as helpless. Depression is something that rarely gets me too powerfully at once, but my overall sadness has been building for a long time, and I'm sure it's far from done. Acceptance is tricky for me. Though I may usually get to that stage quickly, that doesn't mean that I quit fighting. Maybe it feels like the more I accept and learn from, the more I grieve in a deeper overall way. I try not to let it go too much to my personal self though. Though acceptance is healthy, we should not have to accept the unacceptable so much. I'm trying to live in a way that empowers myself and others... And I preach communication and non-judgment, often subtly, but as consistently as possible.
I am sorry for all the great losses you experienced in your life.
It impresses me how much reflection and self-awareness you have developed about your emotional life.
You have become wise about it, way more than most people.
I totally agree we must not accept the unacceptable, in an ethical sense.
I understand healthy acceptance as coming to terms with our reality, with the cards we were given, and living from that. You have a lot of this. You prefer to be aware of a tough truth than live in a sweet delusion.
It is a great achievement that after all those difficult life experiences, you define very positive goals and a meaningful mission for your life.
Thank you for your detailed, honest, and valuable contribution.
All the best!
Marcelo.
@WelcomeToChat
Thank you so much for such an enlightening post. You have written everything so beautifully. Well done and keep up with the great work. ❤
- What has been your experience with Grief in your life? I experienced grief when I lost my grandpa 12 years back. I was a school-going kid at that time but was close to him so it was really painful for me. I remember I had my exam the day he died. After attending his funeral, I was at the examination hall crying like hell. I wrote my exam crying the whole time and it didn't go well as I failed that test. My whole attention was on him. I was not able to eat anything and was on a liquid diet for 30 days. I couldn't take the sight of his face off my mind. It was extremely shocking and agonizing for me as he was like a father figure. Even today, whenever I am reminded of him, it makes me cry like a baby.
- What main feelings did you have while giving? Feeling of a nightmare, as if it were surreal.
- What phases did you experience in your journey to recovery? Phases such as agony, guilt (Whenever I was reminded of the time I didn't listen to my grandpa), disbelief, disagreeing, weeping followed by getting closer to The Almighty God. As death always reminds me how fragile we are and how great my Creator is.
Thank you very much for your kind words on my post!
I can relate very much to what you tell.
I had a similar experience after the death of a loved uncle. I had a test (it was chemistry in secondary school), and I gave the professor a blank page. I got a 1. Afterward, I had to study like hell to get grades high enough to correct the situation. I am proud of the "one" as well as the later effort I did.
And I still cry when I think of my grandmother Ann. She was the embodiment of life, enthusiasm and kindness. She passed away when I was a child, because an absurd heart infection.
These people leave voids that will stay within us forever.
Thank you for your touching, intimate and thoughtful contribution.
All the best !
Marcelo.
-
What has been your experience with Grief in your life?
I'm fortunate to not know the death of a person close to me that I can remember, and pet death experiences happened when I was too young as well. However, just this past August, my poor boyfriend experienced a lot of grief. Here's the story:
In the beginning of last month, my bf got a call that his Pappy went into the hospital for dehydration. While there, they discovered he had liver, kidney, stomach, and lung cancer and was being examined for potential treatment. His Pappy's health deteriorated very quickly and soon he was in hospice. I flew across the country with my bf to go and support him while he said goodbye to his Pappy, and fortunately, both before the trip and during, he got to have meaningful moments with his Pap. His aunt and cousin were there to say goodbye as well, but they had to make time between their radiology appointments for their cancer! My bf was so overwhelmed.
His Grammy (Pappy's wife) also came to visit her dying husband. She had been losing strength in her legs and had been bound to a wheelchair, needing assistance to move. While we were talking with a nurse about Pappy, she went over to his bedside to give him a kiss and fell! She fell against the AC unit in the hospital room. She said she wasn't in any pain, but she was rushed down to the ER and there it was determined that she was paralyzed from the waist down. My bf was beside himself.
Our round trip was coming to a close and it was time to head back home. On the way to the airport, 30 minutes from the hospital, my bf's mom called him to let him know that his Pappy was gone. He was upset because he wasn't there, but also he knew that he said what he wanted to say, and that it was better that his Pappy wasn't in pain anymore.
On the plane, I'm comforting him while he tries to zone out and defocus and rest for the long flight ahead, headphones on, etc. A gentleman sits next to us and he has a bulldog in a carrier. A few minutes into the flight we smell poo, and it was a rather funny way to punctuate the tough situation my bf was in. We both found the humor in the ridiculousness that, of all places, the fella with the dog had to sit next to us, and that dog had to poo right there beside us while my bf was trying to forget about his grief for a few hours. The gentleman is trying to clean the carrier and I see him lift up the carrier and take it to the back of the plane-- the dog is lying down inside the carrier, completely at ease with the situation, which is also sort of amusing. Very shortly, an announcement is made over the loudspeaker: "If there is a veterinarian on board, please come to the back of the plane." There isn't one, but there is a doctor, and back he goes. He comes back up to the front shortly after. We don't hear from the gentleman or the flight attendants for the remainder of the flight, he doesn't come back to sit by us. As we land, the pilot thanks us for a lovely flight, and also makes a little announcement: "...and for the folks in the back with the dog, I'm very sorry for your loss." Suddenly I put together what I had seen-- the dog was lying on its' side in its' carrier after it pooped... Because it had DIED! Right there! Right next to my bf, who had just dealt with enough trauma! I couldn't believe it! My boyfriend and I just stared at one another. Death had followed us.
We finally get home. I take my bf to the shops so we can get him some nice clothes for his Pap's funeral. I hadn't planned to return to the funeral with him because my bf felt like I had supported him well during the tough part, and we needed to save the money. However, while shopping, I get a call that my grandmother was in the hospital for internal bleeding! One thing after another! So we both buy funeral attire, fly back again (my Oma lives out east as well), and we attend his Pap's funeral. A few days later I go to visit my Oma, thankfully she's recovering and out of the hospital.
We fly back home, again, and my bf desperately wants to rest. His July was incredibly busy job-wise and now his August is emotionally exhausting him to the bone. His birthday was on the 19th, and he didn't feel like doing anything special at all... He is slowly acclimating back to normal life when his mom calls him. His Grammy had now passed away too. The last straw. He flew back for her services, and this time I couldn't go even though I wanted to because of money.
It's now September, and he is still pained with the intense loss he experienced, but he is brighter than before. He's happy that his Grammy and his Pappy are together, and that bulldog is somewhere nice too. His Pappy was a dear friend and coach to him, and they'll always have special memories together, and he is comforted by this.
I don't want to make this story about me, but I felt so lost on how to help my bf while he was grieving. I gave him hugs, did small things for him like chores and favors, and made sure to be by his side at every moment I could, but sometimes I didn't have the words, and I felt so lacking for that. I tried really hard to take care of myself so that I could take care of him, as well, but it was very hard. I love him with all of my heart, though, and I'm just grateful that I got to be with him for his tragedies numerous. Are there any tips for how to support him now, even though he is being optimistic and moving forward? Did I do enough? He says I did, so perhaps I'm just feeling insecure.
Anyway, long post today! It just was too appropriately timed to not share the saga. Thanks for listening, and lots of love, xoxo
What a touching, emotive story!
You convey very well the feelings and meanings through your detailed, well-written and, in its own way, beautiful account of this very intense time in your life.
There is also some sense of paradox in how natural this process is, despite being so sad and some times sudden, unexpected, and full of intrusive medical interventions.
It is moving how caring you were with your boyfriend. You are a blessing to him.
Thank you for taking the time to share such an intimate heartfelt story about grief and grieving.
All the best!
Marcelo.
Thank you very much, Marcelo!
Really nice post. Still trying to figure out how to "recover" when it's just one thing right after another.
@WelcomeToChat
have to come back lots to read can not read now but see big word grief lots of deaths have covid list and regular list all stand in line and then reach end of line and gone.......2 in think can remember last 2 weeks in not covid line they moved right to the front ahead of the others out of order but others still right in line will be soon for them also but many more alredy gone all in year and a half only counting not all before hard to figure out now know lots to have to read but not able now will come back different time maybe read then nd figure out it all for you you want more think but do not know what more it is now will come back just do not know