Acceptance
I guess I just have to accept that I will be alone forever. I'm 26 years old and I've never been with anyone, zero romantic experience. Although I am very good at learning new things systematically, like physics, math, chemistry, I was even able to apply a little logic to making friends and I was good at it to a certain extent, although in the end it feels like acting... But I know that comparison is the happiness killer, and seeing the rest of the world deal with this so naturally and easily.... it discourages me. And I know that the opposite is also the case, things that are difficult for the rest, like losing weight or getting in shape seem to me something extremely easy to do... I would give that to feel a little bit of comfort when it comes to socializing, to be able to show interest. At this point I'm too exhausted and not wanting anything, and I'm honest, I never felt a shred of hope, those who have supported me in this believe I have because I lied to them, I lied to me. I feel that the only thing I have left to accept is, I am weird, insecure in this aspect, and I am horrible at it even though I have been trying to improve for years, even chatting with a friend makes me anxious. I have to accept that I will be alone.
@Franse
Hey, I hear you, and I’m really sorry you're feeling this way. It's tough when something that seems easy for others feels impossible for you. But being “alone forever” isn’t something set in stone 🌱. Everyone’s journey is different, and just because you haven’t had that experience yet doesn’t mean it won’t happen. You're learning, growing, and your self-awareness shows you care. Take small steps and be kind to yourself. You’re not weird, and you're definitely not alone in feeling this way 💙. What’s something that helps you feel a bit better, even on tough days?
@dtanushree My problem is that I don't see a clear path to take, that's why I'm so damn confused. At the time I was paralyzed from my back, I got to 140kg, and I couldn't even walk two blocks without cramping up. So, recovering from that was easy, walking, running, gym, eating better and less, it was a really simple path and it didn't cost me anything, today I am in great physical shape. How do I perceive my problem, well, it feels worse than being paralyzed with my back at 21 years old, I am so atrophied that I literally don't know what to do, the advice they give me (they are good), they don't help me. "It will come", "you give it too much importance", "focus on other things". I don't understand the security of "it will come", I don't know how to take away the importance and above all, I focus on what I want to do, I do it, I get it, I enjoy the process pleasantly and at the end of the day I go to bed, only in pain.
@dtanushree Right now, nothing I like to do gives me pleasure, in fact, I am repulsed by the thought of doing those activities.
@Franse
I see. Its absolutely okay to feel like you don't want to do anything. Sometimes not doing something is also a significant thing to do 😉
If talking about it helps and you need someone to talk more about it then I'm here for you my friend! You can pm me:)
@Franse tbh im not going to come here comparing our problems but i now how u feel like even tho im younger sometimes i just dont want to be easily distracted when it comes to my education i try my best idk whats wrong with me i feel like such a failure everyday i just dont want to feel depressed and sad i just want to mute my thoughts yk
@selfconfidentMoon6337 If you want to send me a message to talk better about your studies you can do it. Anyway buddy, don't worry, this community is all about helping each other, isn't it. I know it's hard to study, I myself have entered engineering in chemistry without even knowing how to divide by hand, you see your grades and it makes you doubt yourself. The process is slow but give yourself time to understand how you can study. Also don't fall into the illusion of "effectiveness and productivity", "I MUST BE MORE PRODUCTIVE". It's okay to want to control your impulses from time to time, but sometimes it's impossible my friend and you must accept that you will procrastinate. The point is to learn to procrastinate and enjoy your free time. Structure yourself, study a few hours but make those hours count. You can try many things and I could tell you more.
@Franse Thanks for sharing your thoughts, and feelings. It takes a lot of strength to handle that over such a long, long time; then stand up and talk about it. I know it probably doesn't make it any better, but at least you're putting it into words and that means it becomes a tangible, touchable thing.
No lie, I'd be pretty disappointed in my prospects for the future if I were your shoes. Though I've learned to just keep trying and failing until I figure it out. Just like any other scientific problem, life problems can be sometimes solved through the application of brute force and repetition, observations, adjustments. If you are good with logics like I am, we both know this strategy holds true. A lack of success doesn't equal the non-existence of something.
I wish you the best of luck still in finding that needle in the hay stack.
@FirmWind You are right. The most paradoxical thing is... I know exactly what problems I have. The thing is... I'm *** terrified and every timid attempt I make destroys me inside. One defeat (adding another one to the list), just adds more weight. I've reached a point where I can no longer apply logic. I know that brute force is useful, it was useful to build my physique (although I was disciplined and dedicated in doing so), and for other things in life. But my head can't grasp, understand, accept that I can't understand this, it's IMPOSSIBLE. It is frustrating.
@Franse When I am working with the public or doing presentations, I never look people in the eyes. Always the forehead or eyebrows, sometimes even their nose. Other people haven't mentioned the difference, and because its so close to the eyes people mention that they like that I'm looking them in the eyes. Makes it much easier to concentrate, imo.
Its not much but for what it counts, I hope it might help. I have a few other little tricks, too.
@Franse You have a different style, and that's alright. In my experience its less about being good all around and more about appealing to someone specific. When both words and feelings are effectively conveyed and *acknowledged*, something good can grow.
Have you considered that you might have social anxiety/autism/adhd/something else? Talking about the struggle with socializing part. The acting thing you mentioned is a very common feeling within people in these communities. You say you get anxious, that you are weird - hence why I brought these topics up.
Romance thing is tough. People always say that you will meet the right one, but the truth is - some people don't. Simple as that. My 40yo coworkers havent met the right one, didnt have a chance to have kids, start a family. When I think about this, I get very scared. Im terrified of never marrying. That being said, you're 26. I know it might seem like it's too late for you, but it's actually not. Anything can happen at any age. There is no certainty, which is hard to accept. There is also no certainty that you will be alone forever. I know I mighr sound like a broken record with this advice, but when you say "I guess I just have to accept that I will be alone forever", Its better to dissolve the whole sentence into "I recognize that I have the thoughtl/opinion that I will be alone forever and it feels very real/true". No matter what, it's still just a thought. Things is life happen, no matter if you want to, or not. The uncertainty sucks but it is what it is.
But sometimes its good to stay in our sadness for a bit. Treat it more neutrally. Sometimes "I will be alone" might free a person. When i had body dysmorphia, what helped me wasnt forcing myself to believe I look beautiful. What helped me was "i look disgusting. So what?". So idk. Different routes can be good.
Im not sure whats going on with the lying, or what you are so horrible at. Flirting? Socializing? Feel free to reply if you wish so. I hope everything will get better for you.
@teabug You know the more time passes, it's impossible for me to deny it. I feel very different from almost everyone and it's no coincidence that the people I get along best with one is Aspergers. My point is, I had to brute force myself to learn to socialize, to deal with this impulse to "attack and run", I literally feel cornered into talking to people but I don't let the feeling bloom. I probably have some what, I don't know. ADHD, no, some degree of autism, probably. But there is a clear difference between me and the average person. I don't think it's a bad thing, it honestly makes me feel better. But it's undeniable that this side of me that loves people, screams and wants to socialize is always up against a wall that I must reluctantly climb every day.
I've been feeling alienated since I was 13 and I havent made many friends irl since then (Im 23), so probably only to some degree, but i relate to a lot of things you are saying. Socializing never came naturally and no matter what I always ended up being the one person that's alone on the side. My own fault as well - it's not like people were going out of their way to outcast me. 1 on 1 conversations are easier to manage but in groups there is this pattern that keeps happening and idk how to stop it. I stopped expecting to make friends if im someplace new. I try (as rare as the occasion is), but Ive just accepted this state that i dont know how to go about this and idk it never works lol. Sorry for talking about myself its kinda how i empathize to other people i know not everyone likes this... But i 100% relate to the line about loving people and socializing and just being unable to. Ive had my own share of breakdowns over that. Ive got adhd and i relate to a lot of people on the autism spectrum, and basically the only people i get along are people who are also like that, so yeah... Im sorry its like that for you. It sucks a lot. I mean being "different" is okay in itself, just the aspect of how hard it can be to form relations. I cant count on how many social events i just left crying because i couldnt make a single connection lol. I hope you meet the right people that youll have a common language with.
The acting thing reminds me of a thing called masking within autism community. Have you heard about it? Maybe its similiar to what youre going through.
@teabug Regarding the other thing. I know I am still young and I have time, my problem is not that, the problem is that I am slowly running out of energy to deal with these things. What scares me the most is not having the opportunity or losing the opportunity to start a family. I honestly don't care about my career, my studies, my money, it's nothing compared to the idea and the need I have to be a father.... It destroys me to think that it's possible, more than I'd like to admit, that it might not come true. And yes, it's like a broken record, but I don't like the "it'll happen" comments. I know life is hard and uncertain, I love living because of that. But it is paradoxical that, lately, in spite of loving to live, I am in a state of extreme anhedonia where I feel nothing for anything or anyone, all because of this damned desire I have. That's why I want to resign myself to the idea and give it up.
oh yeah sorry if it came out like "itll get better" thats not what i meant, i mean YES hopefully haha, but i meant that sometimes if we need to feel, straight up accepting the brute feelings/thoughts might help like just losing the hope for a bit, i dont know how to explain it better. like what would happen if you did try to resign and give it up? but then, i think its important to remember that yeah life is unexpected and hope has dirt under fingernails and stuff... i experienced anhedonia once in my life and it was the worst period of my life worse than feeling depressed so im sorry youre going through this, especially that it comes from a very lovely desire. I dont have any more advice as it seems i struggle with similiar things to a certain degree myself, it is tiring to live with desires that time and time again become unfulfilled, i just kinda loop around it and sometimes its all i think of, sometimes i try focusing on other things, idk. if you would like to talk more feel free to text me but dont feel forced to. In any case I wish you all the best and a lot of strenght.
@teabug What I meant by "lying". I realized that my way of acting with people is just an act. I had to teach myself to empathize, to understand other people's perspectives, to listen, body language. Even how to smile... Not because I want to lie, my life is based around the truth, not lying and not lying to me. But I am realizing how different I am with some people and not with others. I have a hard time really being me with others.
@Franse hey do you want to talk to me
@Franse Hey there. For what it is worth, I am likewise 26 with little romantic experience. I have excessive issues with socializing woth others, and my family abused me to the point I really have a tough time comprehending social dynamics to any capacity whatsoever. I am definitely going through a major depression as well due to a myriad of issues atop what I mentioned. Until I can find an answer, there are little comforting words that I can say that will change anything. The best thing I would advise is not to undermine yourself with a perception of self hatred, because I do that frequently much to my own undoing, and no progress is ever made. Try to rid yourself of the expectation something would and should happen, because it will regularly lead to disapppointment and more negative feelings. Also, do not change who you are. If you meet someone and it becomes romantic and your self presentation isn't truly yourself, that will cause issues. That is not to say who you are will not change, because it will. The best advice I can give is work hard, expect nothing, and accept that life is an arbitrary chaos where some people get in excess and what other peoples are starved for. If you go in without expectations and a good ethic, you will set yourself up the best possible way for success. It is a ***, unfortunate truth, this world we live in and a lot of the people that inhabit it, but I have found that coddling words just made everything worse. And don't always assume that because something does not work, it is you. People nowadays are kind of messed up and capricious, and instead of hyperfocusing on what you might have lost, be indifferent, move forward, and if you so feel like it, try again. Doing this, too, will inevitably draw more people to you because social logic (at least to me) makes no sense and people can be really dumb.
Hopefully this is not bad advice. I just prefer not giving the generic cookie cutter answer, as at least for me, that never helps.
@Arekku97 Hahaha I think my biggest problem is that, I never believe that anything positive will happen, especially in this aspect, I stopped having expectations the moment I was seriously hurt. I appreciate every word you give me and I know how hard it is to live with a dysfunctional family. I suffered it myself, too much abuse, the crap they cause you is really hard to deal with. I already do most of the things you mention but you reminded me of something about self perception. Back in the day, when I was obese, I would just say *** about myself, thoughts would come to me every moment to destroy me. Today the same thing is happening to me, sometimes I just don't have the energy or desire to go on, other days it's impossible to fight those thoughts. I must be more attentive. Really... thank you!
you still have a long time to go i really wouldn't give up yet
@JoshuaHunt My journey in this regard hasn't even started and I'm already giving up my friend haha. I honestly don't know how to be positive or hopeful about these things.
you havar the ability to change your mindset you have the ability to be strong you have that in you i believe it dont give up yet
@JoshuaHunt I changed my thinking when I was obese, when I was useless and good for nothing. It was easy for me actually, easier than I would like to admit to my past self, but it was because I had a structure to follow, it was something tangible. With this, really, how can I improve, every time I try something it goes wrong, I get confusing feedback because everyone seems to understand what they are doing on this subject and whether I know how to solve differential equations or understand quantum physics, I can't understand anything at all my friend and it baffles me that I can't figure out what the heck I am supposed to do.
@Fransehey Franse
@brightHouse9344 Thanks for commenting, just by doing so you help a lot!
Hello Franse!
I am a listener on this platform. I just wanted to tell you that I am also 26 and have a similar experience in that I have never had a serious romantic relationship ever in my life. But what gives me hope is that we are only 26. In the grand scheme of things we are just beginning. Not everyone has to get married at 20 like some do so don't buy into that hype. That I think is what depresses us. We think by this point we should at least have been in one relationship but that is not true. So many different people meet the love of their life at all different stages and ages of life. And don't lose hope because you feel like you have social anxiety. I believe there is a lid for every pot and odds are you will find someone who has the same social anxiety. You are not alone in this. I truly believe the universe allows us to meet them when the time is right for us and them. 26 is still so young. Promise me you will not throw in the towel now. But at the same time don't feel like you have to break you back going out looking for it. It will come to you in the time it is meant to.
I see what you mean. And you don't need to apologize for anything. You are allowed to feel what you feel. Just know I am sending you feelings of hope and love your way. I can see how it is not helpful when someone comes along and says, "don't worry about it, you'll get there" or something vague like that that attempts to be encouraging but is not. The reality of it is that this feels impossible. This feels like a hopeless pursuit. I am meeting you in this dark place right now. No trying to change it, or get rid of it or wish it away with encouraging words that don't help anyway. Give this feeling a color and shape. Let me know if you feel a shift where you don't feel resistance to the feeling and instead you meet it with authenticity and kindness toward yourself.
@Franse wow .. all this that your feeling and thinking ? It's beautiful , your on a good path of asking questions , self reflecting , feeling .. don't give up .. You're on a beautiful journey and All journeys have pain , conflict ..
This life isn't about conflict free , it's what you do With the conflicts what you learn from the how you grow , that makes the person/ life
@brightAcai1267 Yes, to some degree I like pain and suffering, partly because it's the only real thing I've been feeling lately, at least I know it's real. That's why I study hard and exercise constantly. At least behind that pain there always ends up being something positive, better control of heavier weights, better technique, better at logical thinking, better at exams, what did I gain from the emotional pain I have gained in relationships since I started?, I honestly only got worse, I started with a little confidence and even, I admit, hope. It is easy to use the pain that one has been using when there are results, but when all I have is pain in its pure state, the only thing I get is to wear myself out over time reaching the point of limiting myself little by little.
@Franse well ..( I) want to thank you .. thank you for being out there , thank you for existing .. see , the way I see it .. the hero suffers , rt ? You can't be a Hero without it , .. a warrior , a marine , a knight .... what you're feeling/ thinking .. can only BE rt .. otherwise you'd be numb , useless .. in need of a re-awakening .. I was watching the movie the four feathers this one day , back when I was young and my mind struggled with the concept of " a journey " , but even then I thought to myself .. my gosh , to go on a hard journey .. Real life experience .. and find yourself .. find God .. how glorious
@brightAcai1267 It seems stupid to me that I am able to handle such difficult situations as the sudden loss of people I love and having to do the things I have to do because of my responsibility that I carry as I must accept that there are things that cannot be changed.... Seeing a friend almost die without being able to do absolutely nothing but be by his side. Any emergency situation for some reason I'm always calm... but all this "strength" (I'd call it insanity to be honest), why the *** can't I use it on this. Clearly I can do a lot of things to change it and yet, HAHAHA, trying feels worse than all the crap I've had to take. I don't know what to do anymore, I've forgiven, I've gotten over the hate, I've gone from hating myself and feeling horrible to loving myself, but I can't for a single moment feel good about it, so the only *** conclusion I come to is "give up". I'm someone patient... too much, but I'm out of patience, I'm out of patience to try and fail, I'm out of patience to learn, I've lost it. I just feel angry, at myself mainly for being so airheaded and stubborn, I just want some peace, not even to be happy, PEACE, nothing else.
