The Mask
Every morning I wear a smiling mask, and when I go to bed I take it off and cry. I pray to God, saying I can’t take it anymore, but there is no one to hear but my heart alone.
It feels like no one is talking to me. It was never God in me , it was me answering as god , playing god in my head and responding. Am I fooling myself?
Thunder and lightning outside how I wish I could vanish in that spark.
How long will I be told this is a test? I want to drop out. I don’t fancy the PhD; I don’t want to push my limits.
It takes me the whole day to build the motivation to stand on my feet, and by the time I do, I feel knocked down by something or someone again.
My heart no longer knows its place, it moves from my throat to my shoulders, then to my lungs and kidneys.
Doctors and NHS mental health services all do their 9–5 jobs, some working from home, focused on their targets and KPIs rather than people. I feel dismissed, as if cases are closed in line with their targets and feedback. Whom am I supposed to go to?
If you don’t have close friends, you are meant to be alone. It feels too late to build close friendships; if you made them in childhood, you win. Otherwise, you end up in chat rooms.
@bluetinkerbell1616 hey that can be alot. if u ever need anyone to talk, i am here.
Thank you so much. Sometimes, just a line like 'I'm here to listen' means so much, and the weight on chest feels a bit lighter 𥹠already.
Hey,
it sounds incredibly heavy. I’m so sorry you’re carrying all of this on your own right now. You mentioned feeling like you have to wear a mask all day that sound absolutely exhausting.
It need real courage to keep yourself motivated even though you feel so broken and exhausted from inside
I'm so proud of you for still not giving up and standing strong,you pain is heard and seen it is a safe place for you.
Connect with listeners here and post more often in community it might help a little
Thank you so much for your kind words. I really appreciate it. Sometimes just knowing that someone is willing to listen can make a difference. Your kindness means a lot to me.
Thank you so much for your kind words. I really appreciate it. Sometimes just knowing that someone is willing to listen can make a difference. Your kindness means a lot to me.
Nothing is easy. I have to fight for every simple thing in life. It feels like I even have to fight for every breath I take. Nothing is going to be fine; nothing ever seems to work, and I always end up making things worse. I wish it were as simple as that. The way I wait for the night to come so I can hide in the dark, close my eyes, and believe it's all over. Not moving. Just still.
My heart also tries to speak loudly at night. It aches so much, as if it is talking directly to me. I look for Jesus for comfort in those quiet hours, and in my subconscious mind, I speak to Him.
But as time passed, and the decades went by, I grew older with hopes that never came true. I began to wonder: how could I have made the wrong decisions when I had involved Jesus in them? Was it really Him guiding me? Or was it me answering myself, imagining His voice because I desperately wanted Him to be there?
Maybe He was never there. Maybe I was alone all along.
When that illusion faded, every fear seemed greater than a mountain. The confidence that once told me I was enough disappeared. What remained was emptiness and doubt.
Sometimes it feels as though I wish I had never survived the terrible accident I went through. I feel as though I would have been easy long gone by now without these hardship.
Instead, I am here, carrying the weight of unanswered prayers, broken hopes, continuous bad luck, and falls at almost every step I take. Far behind , already out of the race. I don't compete or compare with anyone but it's the fact that I am far behind the time .No matter what I do, or how much effort I put in, I seem to end up in the same place. I try, and try, and still keep trying not because I am a fighter, but because I have no choice.The show must go on!
I cannot simply disappear thought I want it so bad and be ungrateful. I think of my parents, who struggled so much to raise me. They sacrificed, endured hardships, and gave me everything they could. Yet I feel as though I have not been able to give them the happiness they deserve in return.
I cannot remember the last time I was truly happy. My heart hurts it hurts so bad as I fear what more the future holds or what's next.
I literally took this platform as my diary and kept writing .
I am here, sharing the thoughts This is how I exactly talk to myself or write in my journal for decades. thoughts too heavy to keep inside, yet too difficult to say out loud.
I haven’t had a human friend for a long time. I tend to keep things inside and just journal my thoughts instead. I think I’m afraid of getting too attached or dependent, because detaching later can be really hard or the fear of losing someone or a meaningful connection is exactly how I feel. Thank you for listening !😊
Seems like there's lot going on
I just wanna say one thing as long as you keep trying you are winning in life...
Doesn't matter how long healing take how long things take to be okay plss don't give up live for yourself do whatever it's take you to be happy
Don't give situations in your life the power to control your emotion easy to say hard to do i know but just try
I will try, thank you so much@ justpari9
This is beautifully worded. I'm not in your shoes exactly, but I have definitely felt this way. You're not alone.
Thank you, and I'm sorry that you're feeling this way too. I wish you strength, courage, and peace as you bear your cross.
I had childhood friends, they're all gone now. They've moved away, have their own lives, or just decided I wasn't friendship material anymore. I've had literally hundreds of friends over the years, but none of them stick around.
I've often wondered if I'm just playing God in my own mind as well. I've prayed for the lost, the broken, the damned, the ill, the faint of heart, my family, my life...has He answered, or is my psyche doing all the talking? Regardless, the results have been sporadic.
I'm sorry your heart is hurting ... I'm right there with you. I fell in love with someone for a year, when things got tough and didn't go her way, she blew up my life. The overwhelming feeling of betrayal is very real and I don't know if I can forgive her, let alone pray for her.
Sometimes, chat rooms are better than friends - people in chat rooms can't see our tears.
@ lonelyworkingstiff
Thank you for sharing that. I'm sorry you've had to carry that betrayal and loneliness.
For me, it wasn't really a love or heartbreak situation. It's more that life has been hitting from all angles. I understand what you mean about chat rooms, but to be honest, and I was feeling terrible to open up to strangers like this in group or forum but I've realised that people may not see our tears, yet many of them make an extra effort to understand what we're going through, relate to it, and respond with genuine empathy. And that in itself can be so comforting. That ...that little push we needed so much to take one more step forward.
And by the way, it's not always easy for men to cry or talk about their pain. I think it takes real courage to be honest about it, and it's absolutely okay to do so.
@bluetinkerbell1616 I feel the same exact way.
Well I'm so sorry to hear that😒. I wish none of us feel this way.
@bluetinkerbell1616
We all love you
@creativeScard316
💛❤️💙 That's really kind of you . Thank you.