One thing I have never told anyone is....[finish this sentence}

I have never told anyone that I really consider myself a recovering alcoholic. I mean I had points of acceptance in my 20s. But it wasn't until recently I could reflect on how sick I was.

The one thing I never told anyone especially my Best Friend, was that I lied. I lied about who I am as a person both physically and mentally to fit in and well, fool myself to think that I'm still happy. Well, until she found out. At first I lied that I was in deep trouble just to get the feeling of love, the attention and the feeling of someone cared for me. It got me feeling really nice. After the verbal abuse I've been receiving. Then those nice chills in my spine turned into sweats of guilt late at night. Scared you'd find out that I manipulated you, lied to you. Lied about having a Boyfriend. An impossible one. A Brother of whom's intellect was unobtainable. A life of which was fool of wealth, adventure and love. But all those were just my stupid fantasies, my way of coping. Of denial that I have a shitty one. But I told you. I played made believe with you and you didn't even know it. But now you know. And I deserve whatever I get because of it. I deserve to die. But that won't be enough to repair the damage I have caused emotionally and mentally. I just wish I can start over. I wanted to start over and we can still be friends and no more lies. I wish life was that easy. I wish high school is this easy. I really should be punished but what punishment is sufficient and would do her and people I've hurt justice?

That I am in love with my best friend... they have been by my side since i met them and has never judged me for anything

I am an addicted masturbater

That my life is horrible and no one likes me.

1. That I feel like a failure. 2. sometimes I hate myself . 3. I was with a married man. 4. I cut myself

I was mostly faking that one time I fainted

I've never told anyone I self-harm once in a while.

I've never told anyone that I like self-harming.

And that I might be addicted to doing it, or addicted to taking pain medications. Most of the time I can control it, but sometimes I can't, and I end up I hurting myself, or taking too many pain pills.

I have learned to never rely on anyone but sometimes I just want someone to hold me and tell me I'll be ok. (I'd never admit that irl though)