Criticism for being childless
Hi, I am a 36 yrs old woman, married for past 7 yrs. Me and my husband has decided to not have kids. But my parents are finding it very difficult to accept our decision. I have been telling my mom about this decision is many ways but still she refuses to respect it. Last year we had a confrontation with my parents along with my spouse, they directly attacked us saying what will we do with our money, who will inherit our assets, why are we earning so much, how can we just spend money on ourselves. My dad also involved my husband's family saying his brother also doesn't have a kid then all inheritance will just go waste. We did have some heated conversation and then we also tried making them understand. It stopped for that moment as we were leaving the next day, but time and again my mom keeps on bringing this up and she will keep on blaming my husband, that he has brain washed me, he doesn't like kids that's why he has no emotions, he is heartless. She even says things like you are making a big mistake and you'll surely regret, mark my words. All these really affects me a lot. I had lost my brother 15 yrs back and my mom even mentioned that i will be left all alone after my parents are gone. It really hit me hard, and i am feeling very miserable that my own parents can't protect my sanity.
I am writing here because I don't want to discuss this with my husband as I don't want him to develop any negative feelings for my parents.
Please tell me if i am wrong anywhere is all these mess.
@Dynamicscream0501 offers you huggiee🫂
you are such a thoughtful partner and a daughter for not letting either your partner or your parents to develop harsh feelings against each other … it’s so sad tho how it’s most times only the woman in question that gets stuck in trying to manage and please everyone while having to deal with her own emotions and thoughts and wishes too 🥺
it’s sad how even while sharing how you feel and for seeking support you are concerned about how it doesn’t affect others negatively 😭 it’s tough being the understanding one , the one who has to understand and compromise always for making “peace” in family matters but hope you know that you are allowed to make your decisions and for yourself … having a child or not is a decision both you and your partner should take together … hope I’m not overstepping but I feel it’s more important for the woman to be okay or not and about what she wants … without any forcing or guilt tripping from anyone else
it can be a culture thing too, many cultures emphasise on families and building one, your parents bring up valid points about the isolation and loneliness in later years and how having children can make it better but that’s because they are from a different generation and they have their own beliefs and what they were taught and experienced in life …. same doesn’t have to apply for everyone …. Not everyone is ready or willing for a child and that’s okay, it should be respected and not shamed or questioned 🫂
but know that it won’t be anyone else but you and your partner raising the kid so nobody else’s opinion really matters… people just want things to happen in the way they’ve seen it happening and anything remotely different feels odd to them… it’s a them problem, not yours.. you don’t deserve their harsh questioning and criticism even if they think they are thinking in your best interest
it’s hard to stand by what you believe in specially when your own family doesn’t seem to understand you 🥺 here for you if you want to talk more
@Optimisticempath thank you for the hug and your words. I feel relieved to know that I am not wrong to make this decision and stand by it. I was so hurt last night after my mother's remark that i texted her back saying if she can't respect my decision then it's not my problem and i am more than happy to regret my own decision rather than blaming someone later for forcing their decision on me. I had also mentioned her that i go for councelling for improving my mental health and my decision is not harming anyone. She responded with emotional blackmail stuffs, saying they're deeply hurt and I have never strongly mentioned about this decision. she again mentioned that after my brother passed away they only wished that i should get married, settle down and have kids, this will make them and me happy. It really *** me off further that how can she decide what should make me happy and how am I responsible to always fill the void. I feel so drained out and trapped. My mother has always used my brother's topic to blackmail me and manipulate my decisions in her favour. I have never shied away from my daughter duties but she makes it sound like i am bound to do it for my parents.
@Dynamicscream0501 sorry for replying to this late :( ive been away …
you’re so courageous for expressing it to your mom 🥺 it is hard when they are trying to guilt trip you and manipulate you emotionally using your brother’s passing … im vv sorry for the loss 🥺 you still shouldn’t have been their compensation or bound to make them feel happy or anything … i can relate actually … feeling that guilt whenever im not fulfilling their wishes too… or going against… its sad how much expectations they place on you :(
how are things going for you now? hope they are being more understanding 💕
@Aayla thank you for agreeing with me. I feel so torn between my husband and my parents on this topic. Even yesterday my mother mentioned that when my husband said that he would donate his assets and money once he is gone, she didn't like it, she kept on saying if he is ready to donate then why not rather spend it on your own child. She keeps dismissing our reasons as excuses. Since I had lost my brother 15 yrs back, i have been very sensitive with my parents, i make sure I don't hurt them. But my mother has been using this reason constantly to manipulate me since a long time
She used this to even ensure i break up with my previous boyfriend because he was a chef and his profession was not quite as per their standards 😕.
I was so hurt last night after my mother's remark that i texted her back saying if she can't respect my decision then it's not my problem and i am more than happy to regret my own decision rather than blaming someone later for forcing their decision on me. I had also mentioned her that i go for councelling for improving my mental health and my decision is not harming anyone. She responded with emotional blackmail stuffs, saying they're deeply hurt and I have never strongly mentioned about this decision. she again mentioned that after my brother passed away they only wished that i should get married, settle down and have kids, this will make them and me happy. It really *** me off further that how can she decide what should make me happy and how am I responsible to always fill the void. I feel so drained out and trapped. I have never shied away from my daughter duties but she makes it sound like i am bound to do it for my parents. In the name of sharing her feelings she keeps on attacking me till i just give up and agree with her. All she wants is to prove the world that her daughter is also following the same thing that everyone else is.
I have been absorbing all these since i was a teenager, i never strongly opposed them which i think made me a very weak character in their mind and they think they can always get their way out with manipulation. My husband is a strong headed person and it doesn't go very well with them hence she blames him everytime i disagree with them saying he must have brain washed me. I find the situation very toxic but i don't know how to change it. I don't want to abandon them but it's getting very difficult.
@Dynamicscream0501
As a mom, Your decision not to have children is valid. You have every right to not want to have children, and that’s okay. Children are a lot of responsibility and not to mention expensive. It’s not up to anyone what you decide. I can understand the frustration, and you are not in the wrong.
I’m sorry this has been happening to you :(
Hi @InsightfulPhoenix thank you for the support💞🤗
Fortunately i was able to pass on my message very clearly this time. Things are fine between us agian 🙂
@Dynamicscream0501
i'm so happy to hear that you guys were able to work it out! I'm happy that your emotions and your feelings are being heard and seen by those that you love🫶🏼!
@Dynamicscream0501 hey, I want to drop this note because I feel like I relate. I want to start off by saying there's nothing wrong with making this decision. This decision is between you and your husband alone. You are not the one who disturbed the peace. You have the right to decide what you want or do not want in your life.
I am still quite young, and I avoided discussing these matters with my parents because I have accepted that they are just like that, and their mentality is too ingrained in their brains to ever change their minds, probably. It's sad to know, but I still love my parents. I think it's just how some old people are.
I wish you the best of luck with this. It is really tough because after all, they are your parents, and it sounds like you are close, but at the same time, there is toxicity to deal with.
Hi @warmFish8914
Thank you so much.
You know even i had started it similar to what you mentioned. I had avoided these discussions for the longest time but then they started directly attacking. This time i stood up for myself and did put across my points very strongly. But i also mentioned to them that how important they're are to me and how i wished they understood me and supported me. Things are now fine between us and we are back to normal talking terms.
If you want to ever talk to me separately, please feel free to ping me over a private chat, as i beleive we both can help each other to overcome difficult situations 💞
@Dynamicscream0501 I would feel the same. Who doesnt want grandchildren. But you still have time to continue down the road of having kids.