What is the best way to come out to unsupportive parents?
Last Updated: 10/28/2019 at 2:17am
Deane Rain Marie, LMFT
Marriage & Family Therapist
I take a holistic approach in working with eating disorders, mood disorders, relationships, and the LGBTQ community. I use EMDR, Dreamwork, Stories, CBT and Cinema therapy.
Top Rated Answers
MOST IMPORTANT: Do this *ONLY* if you are not dependent on said parents in any way. Otherwise, coming out can have serious reprecussions for you, and it may be better to wait.
Safety needs to be your number one priority. If you are under aged and may risk being kicked out, then this conversation can wait. If you feel your parents may become violent, then it is best to have this convo through the phone or a letter. Secondly you need to decide why you are wanting to tell them. If its just to make them upset then don't do it. If you want to deepen your relationship with your parents by letting them see the true you then you are ready! Pick a time when everyone is in a medium mood ( after a huge fight is not the time, also if someone has not slept well or has been drinking , it is not the time) Most parents love their kids no matter what. If you feel you can safely tell them then do so respectfully, and honestly. Keep it short, and let them know you are open and ready to talk when they are. Do not anticipate a reaction. Do not push for a reaction. This is your news to share and they may not be ready or able to process it. After all you knew about you long before anyone else and if you are asking this question, chances are you've had years or more to process it. After you break the news its best to go to your room or to a friends to allow them space. Be true to you and be strong, this is a huge step, and if no one else says it, know that I am proud of you!!
First tell them that you love them and explain what you are about to tell them is hard for you and that it isn't a choice. Tell them how much it would mean to them if they excepted you for who you are and tell them it doesn't change who you are and always have been. Most importantly never apologise for who you are :)
You can express your feelings as openly as you can, tell them what it means to be who you are, how you realized you are LGBT, and reassure them that nothing changes in who you are as a person, you're still you though this part of your identity is different than they thought. Make sure they know you want to share it with them because they are important to you, and maybe tell them that you believe in your relationship and you're sure they know that nothing changes in the person you are. You can also encourage them to ask you any questions they have about it, let them express their worries, and explain why the various possible arguments against LGBT have been built on stereotypes and misconceptions. Be patient, it's possible that they'll need more time to come to terms with it because of their views, but what truly means is that they give you a chance to be listened and understood: that's a signal that they're willing to give you a chance.
I can completely relate to this, as I am bisexual in a Christian family. Try getting their opinions on the LGBT community, and proceed from there. If you feel that they will come and be negative, try and understand the generation they were raised in. Also, if you feel they won't accept you at all, maybe wait until you're out of the house to tell them. But just try getting their feet wet in the idea of the LGBT community being under their household by sharing some other people's coming out stories with them, then your own.
dont try and sugar coat it. you are who you are. if they try to not listen, make them. let them know that you are the same person you have been all your life, but today you are stronger because you are accepting who you are. it will take them time to adjust, but thats ok. let them know that you are willing to explain your choices when they are ready and that you will also listen to why this may be tough for them. best of luck!
The best way is to not come out if you need their support, wether financially or emotionally. Settle down and then go ahead and do your thing. Or if hiding yourself is too much, you can come out but you gotta make sure you have a back up plan and someone who can support you.
If your parents are not supportive of your sexuality/gender and you feel that no good would come of it and/or you are in danger, you might put off coming out. However, if you feel it necessary come out, make sure that you are in a safe environment. Try your best to be calm and relaxed, and remind your parents that what you have just told them does not change who you are or how they should think of you.
Its best to sit them down and just tell them the truth on how u feel and what effects you when they are unsupportive.
A letter when you are ready to come out. This is so that you can what you need to say what you say and time for them to read it through properly. Also, give it when it's safe. Hope it goes well. X
Coming out is a sacred and extremely personal thing to do. Only come out when YOU'RE ready, not when your friends or partner is ready. I have dealt with some emotionally abusing people trying to get me to come out to my family. I never did because I knew that this was my thing, my sexuality. No one has control over what you can do. Anyways, the best way to come out is when you are 100% sure you are ready and you know you will be safe after coming out.
Explain to parents that you are who you are, you were born to be you and no one else. Feel no shame in being you. Parents will always love you. Some may find it harder than others to understand, but the will in time. Communicating with loved ones is the key to being happy in yourself. Never keep concerns bottled up when help is always around you.
If you feel like coming out could endanger you (e.g. if your parents could abuse you / kick you out of their house), the best thing to do is to not come out. Just wait until you are independant, wait until you are safe before you decide if you want to come out to them. Never feel like you absolutely have to do it. If you're safe, sure of yourself, comfortable with it and ready, go ahead. If not, wait until you are. That could be in a few months, or in a few decades, the time it takes does not matter. What is important is you, and how you feel afterwards.
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