I'm love with my best friend, but she's straight. What do I do?
Last Updated: 03/21/2021 at 11:11pm
Brittany Kelley, MSW, LCSW
Clinical Social Work/Therapist
I am a psychodynamically trained clinical social worker. I find assisting women and families through difficult times an extremely rewarding and collaborative process.
Top Rated Answers
I've been there, only a month or so ago actually, and I struggled with it for ages before finally blurting it out to her. Now, for you, I would recommend maybe telling her in a calmer way- if you do want to tell her. But my friend was so supportive and so cool with it all that I feel stupid for ever being anxious about it! In this situation you really only have one option- to get over her, or not. Because sadly, if she is heterosexual, then she simply won't return ever your feelings, and that's okay. You have to decide whether it will be worth it to get that off your chest and confess to her, or whether you're better off to just try and move on, or get some distance so that nothing in your relationship has to change.
Don't dwell on it too much. The more you think about it the more it will begin to consume your entire being. Just live your life and live in the present moment. BE HERE NOW. Enjoy your time with your friend and be happy with the relationship you two have. Who knows what could happen? Nobody knows the future and sexuality is fluid. Just live your life and enjoy your friendship.
I would tell her. The worst thing she can say is 'I don't feel the same.' But you'll feel better once you get it out in the open. It would be lovely if you told her.
im in love with my bestfriend and i have no other choice but to tell her. straight or not, she should know. and im not telling her for her to feel the same way about me but just to let her know how i feel. it wont change anything about our friendship and it would surely free me of such burden.
First of all, you need to convince yourself of the fact that what you're feeling isn't wrong, isn't disgusting, isn't "not" normal. You're still a human being like everyone else on this planet, and none should be allowed to judge you for not being part of a majority. Yes, heterosexuality is the majority, but it is NOT the only sexual orientation. Your feelings are valid. You are valid. Are you positive your friend is straight? If she is, then put your heart at ease. There's nothing you can do but address your feelings, validate them and move forward. The world is full with other amazing girls for you to feel for. Remember, wether it's a female or a male you have feelings for, it's still a crush. And crushes are the same across every orientation.
I've been in this situation before, and really the main thing to do is constantly remind yourself of the fact that she is straight. I know it's hard and it hurts, but in time it will get easier. Remind yourself that she cannot possibly return these feelings that you have for her. Instead of focusing on how much you love her, try and focus on why a relationship with this person may not be a good thing anyway, for example it could ruin your friendship. Start to think about what you would like in a future relationship with someone else. At the end of the day, both of you deserve to be happy, and with people who can return those kinds of feelings. :)
That's tough. Sounds like it's been eating you up, being so close to someone but not being able to confess how you truly feel. I would say, if you feel like you can't take it anymore, come out and talk to her about your feelings. Assure her that you care about her and that you don't want to lose her. However, if you feel like you can still hold it in, perhaps see if your feelings for her deepens or disappears - because telling her will definitely change your friendship, even if slightly.
Well, from my experience, I had fallen in love with one of my really close friends and I admitted it, and told her i thought she was beautiful, and that if she were queer I would have asked her out, but id respect her sexuality as much as you'd hope shed respect yours and not expect much out of the one sided love.
Try to find someone else, try to move on, you'll most likely never stop loving her, but you'll realize you have to move on if she'll never feel the same way you do.
I know it sounds rude, but.... forget her. Because there is no way for you two to be together and if you would still have feeling for her - it would ruin your friendship. I know it, I have been there. Sadly, we can't change other persons feelings and make them to love us. If you want her by your side, as friend at least - try to find another crush, I know it could take a while but you will find another person to love and you will have both of the best worlds :)
You can tell her that you love her. Also tell her that you know that she is straight and you are not telling her because you want her to feel like you are pressuring her to be sexual with you. But love can be platonic. You just want her to know that she is someone you care deeply about. I do not believe it is inappropriate to tell someone how you feel about them, as long as it is done without expectations that they reciprocate in any way more than they desire to themselves.
You can't do much. You can just be open for someone elses love, you can't do much so they love you. And you can't push someone who is straight to be(come) gay, lesbian, bi or whatever... So enjoy your friendship - sometimes friendship is worth much more than anything else. It can be very hard to accept - but boiling hot love, oftens cools down after sometime and friendship stays.
Its almost become an initiation thing for lgbt+ people to fall in love with the straight best friend and sadly in most cases there isnt anything you can do about it. If your friend is straight then more often than not they wont develop the feelings for you that you hope they will and that can be very painful. The best thing you can do in that situation is just to be the best friend you can possibly be to them and show them your love that way.
It's always best to tell them, I actually can tell you I had the exact situation and while I told them how I honestly felt it didn't go anywhere but the fact that I was able to tell them how I felt for them was amazing because it actually made the friendship even better! No matter what, just tell them how you feel and don't be too worried with what they might say.
Hey! I've been in a similar situation. First you need to assess whether she is straight or just hasn't come out. If you are afraid of risking your friendship with her, wait for her to trust you and come out to you. Depending on how close you are to her, you can try discreetly asking her about her sexuality. Please do not press her to talk about this or out her to others if she does come out to you. If she is indeed straight, you really have to let her go.
I had this problem and I decided that if i told her that it would help me get over it. Her reaction was just to tell me that she loved me and it felt great to get it off my chest. She and i are still best friends and will be celebrating our 27th year as best friends. All our lives. Nothing has changed between us and in fact it sort of made it easier for me to be more calm around her. I eventually got over her.
To begin with, respect her sexuality and her decisions - it must be difficult to be so close to someone and yet not have them reciprocate romantic feelings for you, but she has her own preferences and if she truly is your best friend, you won't push boundaries. That being said, I think you should try to be honest with your feelings and try to talk through the next few steps with her from there. If you feel like you're capable of remaining best friends without feeling hurt then I guess that would be the best scenario. I think ultimately just see how you both can achieve happiness by your own terms, without compromising too dangerously. If you can both support each other to fulfilling your own needs then, do so, otherwise learn to amiably let go.
Cardinal rule: Never put your love on the black market. Loving is the most powerful thing a human can do. Only bad things come from trying to conceal that power. You should tell your friend how you feel, but don't expect them to reciprocate in the same way. If she is straight, she probably won't be in love with you. That's okay. The first step is to put everything out on the table. After you've let her know, if she's able to accept it, you may find your feelings of passion become less intense once you release the tension of keeping it a secret. You do run the risk that she can't accept that you are in love with her, but since she already loves you as a friend and knows your sexuality you may find your friendship is surprisingly durable.
It depends on the situation... is your best friend aware of how you feel? If so, then unfortunately you cannot change how someone feels and you should try and move on. If she is not aware of how you feel then you could tell her and see if she feels anything towards you (although, depending on how she feels this could hinder your friendship). Unfortunately there is no right or wrong answer, you just need to go with your gut feeling.
Accept that she is unable to return your feelings, (which will be very difficult), and make sure that you don't develop resentment, which could damage your friendship. Eventually, you will find a way to accept the reality.
Well you can tell her or you can keep it to yourself. If she feels that same way, then it might be the start of something. If she doesn't feel the same way, she may end the friendship, or just let you down gently and move on. It also depends on how you think you will feel if you don't tell her and keep it inside. this may be really hard too.
You have the choice to express them to her or to just let it be if you don't want the feelings to,ruin the relationship. But it never hurts to try maybe writing her a letter or talking face to, face might help !
Sadly, we can't change other people's sexualities. It is ofter said that straight girls will be the death of us lesbians. Honestly, the only thing we can do is try our hardest to get over them. Maybe the best idea is to put some distance between you for a while to clear your head. As painful as it sounds, it might be what's best for the both of you, and for your relationship going forward.
This may be non-sexual attraction. The first step to knowing if you are truly in "love" with someone of the same sex, is expiriencing possible sexual attraction. If you do feel This way, it may be best to break it to them slowly. To tell them that you are expiriencing an attraction, but not sexual first. Then see how she reacts. If she Reacts in a negative way, best to let her go, my friend. If she reacts in a positive way, still wait a little bit, then tell her. That is just my suggestion.
Boy, have I been there. Ask yourself what you think is right. If you think she must know, tell her. If you think it would be a waste of time to let her know, then don't. Set boundaries in the relationship if needed, and know that if she's truly a good friend she'll accept you for who you are.
Mmm, I've been there, and it really sucks. I'm in love with my best friend, but he's gay. It's been really difficult, and I wish there was something to do about it.. I think the only think you can do in this situation is try and move on. Remind yourself how much you value her friendship. Maybe try looking at other people to get your mind off of it? Good luck, hun. xxx
Being in love with someone who doesn't return your feelings is hard. Only you can decide if you want to spend time with her, knowing she's not going to return those feelings, or reduce the time you spend together so it'll be less painful for you. Either way, if you truly care for her, you'll be gracious in understanding that her feelings don't mirror yours. Some people in situations like that manage to build strong friendships, with just a bit of wistfulness underneath - much like someone knowing that they can never share a steak dinner with a vegan friend. Others find that too painful, and move away. There is no right answer; the important part is to recognize your feelings and accept hers, even if they're very different.
First of all, never forget that you are not doing anything wrong. Love is one of the most beautiful feelings in this world. The only thing you can do is not to frighten or disturb your friend because of these feelings of yours and keep your good friendship.
I remember I had hard time dealing with this when I finally accepted my sexuality. My mistake was I continued to persue this person even though they stated they didn't have feeling towards the same sex. To overcome this I transformed my love into a new one. I knew I loved her but I knew it'd be better if I loved the best way I could as a friend. So basically accepting you can't be with that person and channeling your romantic love into one that is more platonic seems to make things better in my experience. Some days your heart does hurt and yearn for them and that's okay but you do your best to get through it
This is something I've personally gone through, the best thing to do here is to be honest about your feelings and see where it takes you, in my personal experience, it brought it closer together. Because holding it in never being able to say anything was making me depressed, and angry and she was unintentionally hurting me by talk about significant others in her life. So being open and honest helped us grow from it, it's been 5 years since then, and we couldn't have a stronger friendship today.
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