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How do I tell my boyfriend that I'm transgender?

140 Answers
Last Updated: 10/07/2021 at 8:26am
1 Tip to Feel Better
United States
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I believe silence creates a cycle. With empathic and collaborative therapy, we break the cycle. I help clients feel validated and supported passed anger, shame, and anxiety.

Top Rated Answers
July 21st, 2016 12:54am
Sit him down when you feel it's safe to talk and explain the situation to him. If he reacts overly negatively, he may not be worth keeping.
July 29th, 2016 11:08pm
You can always begin the conversation by bringing up trans people in general to see his stance on the matter then ask him hypothetical questions about how he'd feel if the person he was dating was trans. if all goes well, it should be relatively safe to come out to him.
August 7th, 2016 8:54pm
Honesty is something that is most definitely necessary in a relationship. Being honest can help to strengthen the bond between you and your partner, but coming out is hard enough. Try to be honest and express how you're still the same person that they love, just a little different. If they love you as much as they say they do, they'll accept it and love you no matter what, but if things don't work out as wanted, be prepared for it. Preparation is key to coming out. 💖
April 20th, 2017 6:42am
In my experience, I came out as transgender to my girlfriend by first talking to her about trans* people in the media to see how she would react. A few days after this, I sat down with her and had a talk about it with no distractions. I suggest telling your boyfriend that you're telling him this because you want to be completely honest with him, and you care about him. When I came out to my girlfriend, she was initially a bit shocked, and felt like I was "hiding" this from her. She understood after I explained a bit more, but I suggest you do this earlier.
May 19th, 2018 3:49am
Based on personal experience, worse case scenario is that you break up. And I they break up with you for that, they weren't worth it anyways.
July 31st, 2016 4:20pm
Bring up the subject of transgender people at first, see how he reacts to that. Then you should probably check if he's transphobic in any way, and if he is, you should either wait with telling him or dump him. If he's not transphobic and reacts well to people being trans you could gather your courage and tell him :) Good luck dear!
February 7th, 2018 3:44am
First and foremost, make sure you KNOW the situation will be safe. If you think he may react badly/are nervous about a violent reaction, a public, well-populated place like a coffee place or fast food restaurant might be your best option. Use terminology he'll understand and explain that you're not changing as a person.
April 7th, 2018 5:07pm
That is hard to do. I’m not going to lie. Having been there my self, I can give some hints from what I went through, but your mileage will vary, I can assure you of that. Every person is different, that is sort of a good thing and a bad thing. The good thing is that people are willing to listen on average. My best approach for talking to someone, and outing yourself to them, is do so slowly. Bring up the subject as a nebulous concept to start. “Hey I just say something on a law regarding transgender people passing somewhere and it was good. Don’t you think?” It’s not about you then, but it will let you know if it is safe to take the next step of talking more directly. With me, it was a month or so of that, and then just getting tired of that dance and coming right out with it one day. With other people after though, I have, because of where I am, be upfront. That depends on you and if you feel safe doing so. For the reveal, there are sort of two considerations: have you transitioned already and are just outing yourself to this individual that didn’t know you before, or are you going to start transition and you are telling those around you that you will need their support more than ever? If you are going to tell someone that you have trasitioned before you met them, be careful. Seriously. Just like the first date, go somewhere public, have backup on standby, and don’t let your guard down. This is going to be a big revelation to them, and a change in their world view. People, despite their best intentions, can feel threatened, and lash out with such a change. Make sure that you are safe though. If you are going to transition and are asking for support, don’t be surprised if they promise it, and you don’t get it. Quite honestly, most transgender people lose contact with many of the people that said they would be supportive fairly quickly Nandi oddly enough the people that are ambiguous are the ones that take up the slack and become the best allies. I really am trying to be brief, but the question is really more complex than one would think. I believe I covered sort of a base line on that though. Feel free to send a message if there are further questions on the subject.
July 24th, 2016 11:42am
Sit him down and have a serious conversation. Be prepared for him to not accept it well but also be prepared for acceptance. Good luck :)
July 30th, 2016 3:01am
Well he needs to accept you of how you are and who you are. Have a talk with him alone and confess with him.
August 14th, 2016 3:57am
You sit him down and tell him exactly about it and explain that you are a man/woman. It will only hurt you in the long run if you don't.
September 2nd, 2016 10:46am
Being in a honest relationship is the best. If he loves you, he would respect your choices in your life. If he is taking it hard, give him time. This would come off shocking to him, but he should respect you. If he breaks up with you, he would be judgemental, no? This would be a test of respect, and personal space. Good luck.
April 20th, 2017 2:46am
There is no right or wrong way to come out to someone close to you, but I believe that honesty is the best weapon. The best way is to be honest and tell your feelings exactly as they are, and explain your situation. Sadly, it's almost impossible to predict what the reaction will be. It could be positive, and also negative. However, you shouldn't be scared, as the most important thing is to stay true to yourself. If your partner does not accept you the way you are, then, to me, it means that they don't really deserve you. It's better to be alone but be yourself, than feeling forced to be something you're not for the sake of someone else, no matter how much you love them. If they are not ready to make that sacrifice, then you shouldn't either.
July 30th, 2016 12:19pm
It's important for people of your sexuality, inform that person you plan on dating before hand. Who knows how he will react now, how he would feel, and what he would do. I think you should just be straight forward and tell him.
August 18th, 2016 8:39pm
Simple, just tell him that you feel more like a different gender. I know it seems scary, but the only way that I really recommend is to just be very straight forward and tell him that you are transgender. And if he doesn't support your choice, he was never the one in the first place, sweetheart. So I believe you should just tell him very bluntly that you are. If he really loves you he will accept you for who you are.
August 25th, 2016 2:46pm
Find out his views on general about the trams community and see if you're safe to come out. And then ease into it. Explain over a nice cup of tea and tell him straight up. Do not procrastinate
March 14th, 2018 6:53am
Hopefully, you will have had the chance to discuss things around this topic earlier. If not, maybe watch a movie on the topic or go to a comedy night with a queer performer. These might allow you to enter into the conversation with him and glean his reaction. Then, or at another point in time, you just need to say it, "I don't feel like a girl." You may want to say what you do feel like but you may just be exploring this yourself and there is no need to label yourself. Your identity can emerge. Your boyfriend will want to process the new information and it might have implications for your relationship. How does he feel about not being in a heterosexual relationship? How do you feel about having a boyfriend? With love and an open heart, these questions and more will be addressed. Good luck! Self-discovery is often challenging but also very rewarding. Seeking circles of friends in social or help groups going through the similar experiences can be very helpful. Best Wishes!
August 12th, 2016 7:44pm
In my opinion, he shouldn't feel bad about it. Feel brave and say in a easy way in your way. Don't be shy.
August 28th, 2016 4:21pm
Write a letter explaining first, what it means to be transgender. Explain the transition, and what pronouns you wish to use or the name you want him to use. (If you are recently coming to this find.) If you had transitioned previously, then go ahead and explain in the letter what it means to be transgender, when you transitioned, etc. If he's worth anything to you, he'll love you unconditionally anyways.
September 2nd, 2016 12:44am
I would sit him down across a table from you, have him shut his phone off and just talk to him if he loves you hell support you. Just remember to take it slow and breathe
September 25th, 2016 11:36pm
Just tell him the name you want to be called or your birth name. If he doesn't understand, then he doesnt. Good luck! 😊
August 9th, 2017 5:33pm
I don't know your boyfriend so I can't tell you how to tell him but what I can tell you is to just be honest. I know it's scary but you know that if he's really someone you want to be around then he'd accept you no matter what. He might be surprised even if he doesn't mind so just give him space and know that you did the right thing no matter the outcome.
April 8th, 2018 12:22pm
how would you tell anyone else? i think if he really is committed to relationship with you he will be respectful and tell you how he feels. wouldnt you rather be in an honest relationship?
July 1st, 2018 8:50pm
There is no right or wrong answer to that : your way will be the right way :) The most important thing is to feel safe when doing it. If you fear he'll have a violent reaction, rather physically or emotionally, then maybe there are some things that would help you feel secured (like having a friend present nearby, telling him in a public place, by a letter, phone etc...). Let's not forget that the Coming-out isn't a "have to". Some people don't do it at all, and that's your right to do as you feel best. Some people like better to tell their partner they're trans on early stages of the relationship, others would rather wait until intimate moments, or when their partner express romantic feelings... It's generally easier when, as trans people, we present things casually, without making it a big deal : if we show confidence, it'll help make the other one confident that it's ok, not a big deal, not an issue etc. If we act as it's shameful, bad, sad, a disease, an abnormality and so on, people will tend to see it like that too. :/ Just see what's important for you, what you want to tell and why (what need of yours will be satisfied by telling it : is it to be respected in your gender ? Or because you want to be assured you can trust your partner, because you want to share with him that aspect of your life and your being ? etc.).
May 1st, 2019 1:49am
It would most likely be best to (if possible) talk face to him. When you talk face to face it makes it easier for if he has any questions about it. Try to tell him how you felt when you realized your trans and how it makes you feel to be able to be yourself. Make sure not to do it when you feel very anxious over it or it could make you feel worse about it. And always remember, if he truly loves and cares for you, he will accept you no matter what gender you are or aren’t
- Expert in LGBTQ+ Issues
October 26th, 2019 11:28am
You can choose a moment when you're both feeling good and you are unlikely to get distracted or interrupted. Then, you can tell him how and why you started questioning, what you felt, what you still feel now. You can try to explain him what it means to tell like you, what you need to be happy. Make sure he knows you'll be there to answer any question and help him understand. It's surely not gonna be easy, but nobody knows how it will go, you mustn't lose hope!
July 20th, 2016 6:04pm
Sit down with him and start off a chat by saying things such as ' what is your opinion on trans ' so trying to hint then slowly bring into the equation that you are
July 28th, 2016 10:31am
Ask him on his opinion on transgender people. If he responses positively, tell him that you are one. If he responses negatively, tell it to him in a joking and serious manner. If he accepts it, do not deny it wasn't a joke. If he doesn't accept it, tell him it was a joke.
August 5th, 2016 4:07am
If he likes you for who you are and not your body than he would stay but if he leaves he never truly loved you. You can tell your partner you are trans whenever you are. Just keep in mind that if he loved you he would stay and if he didn't he would leave.
August 7th, 2016 5:32pm
Well just go for it, say you have to tell him something and say I am transgender and I identify as ____ and tell him if he still feels the same.