How can I tell my child they're adopted?
Last Updated: 05/05/2020 at 10:28pm
Traci Seery, LMFT
Marriage & Family Therapist
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Top Rated Answers
The best thing is to tell them from a very young age, so there is no particular moment when they have the realization. This way it doesn't seem like a big deal, and the kids know that you have always been honest with them. Telling the kids that them being put up for adoption was to their benefit is important. Reminding them that these parents still chose to give birth to them shows that they cared enough to give them a chance at life.
Telling child that s/he is adopted is anxiety-provoking task. As a result most parents avoid or delay disclosing the fact about adoption. However, at some point adopted children need to be told about their origins, ideally even before middle childhood. In Indian context, it was realized that the ideal time for telling children about their adoption appears to be between the ages of 7 to 9 years. By the time children are 7 years old, they usually feel established enough in their family not to feel threatened by learning about adoption. Children below 7 years have fears about the loss of their parents, their love, have low self-confidence and have strong emotional reaction. Therefore, disclosing them about adoption can be risky. In addition, there is some question about whether a child under 7 years of age can understand the meaning of adoption and be able cognitively to work through the losses implied by learning that he was born into a different family. When adopted children are between the ages of seven to nine years, they have better understanding of being adopted as they develop. Children ask specific questions about his/her biological parents, in a sense to construct a more accurate "memory" of his/her original family, and how he came to be adopted. Tips for disclosure: • Take professional help. If you are worried, consult psychologist/counselor. Disclosure at right time is important. Share your concerns and discuss alternatives to tell child that s/he is adopted. • Familiarize child and family members with the word “adoption” using stories: Use the word "adoption" regularly. The word shouldn't become your primary focus, but say it when it feels natural. This way "adoption" never becomes taboo. Read books about adoption, such as Adoption in India: Policies and Experiences, by Vinita Bhargava, The Penguin Guide to Adoption in India, by Dr. Alooma Lobe and Jayapriya Vasudevan, The Day We Met You, by Phoebe Koehler, and Let's Talk About It: Adoption, by Fred Rogers. Weave your own tale how a child was adopted and introduce the concept of adoption. • Create a memory book. Children love seeing what they looked like as babies and learning about their own history, even if they don't understand every aspect. Keep photos of the day they brought her home, snapshot of the adoption agency, friends at adoption agency etc. • Observe child: After disclosure, observe how child is reacting. Every child reacts differently. Some child express anger becomes sad or fear being adopted or become curious to know more about biological parents. Be considerate and patient. Be loving and caring. Answer child’s every questions and confusion. • Manage unintended disclosure: Sometimes child come to know about his/her status from finding adoption documents, photos, or outside family member outbreak the status. Child may react with anger, fear or mixed emotions. Sometimes child ask such questions that that parents are not prepared to answer. Questions such as "Did I grow in your tummy?" “how did I come on the earth,” “my friend said, “your parents are not real. You are adopted.” Is this right? Be prepared to answer these questions. It is recommended to provide honest answer. • Be patient. While your child is informed about adoption, s/he might not acknowledge the fact that s/he is adopted. Be patient. It may take time to accept the reality. It's perfectly natural for her to ask questions—sometimes even the same ones over and over again. Answer them patiently. Provide love and care. Thanks for reading this. Hope this is helpful. Kindly share your feedback and experience related to this.
you're still his parents , just not biological , dont tell him during teenage ,he will just overreact
Ok, Just copy that "I love you Dear and want to share a small secret with you that I am not you biological Parent" And then add I will tell you the meaning of biological some other day>.
Well you should tell them when there really young cause it will really hurt them if they find out when there older look them straight in the eyes and tell them they where adopt but be there for emotional support cause they still mite need support.
You can just be honest with them. If they question your love for them, let them know that out of all the babies that could have came to live with you, you chose them because they were special to you the moment that you saw them.
Well take them out on a date with you and your husband and explain how some kids get adopted and tell them you adopted and tell them you adopted them because you cared for them and still do
It can be a difficult thing to do. Sit them down and explain that you are they'd parent, and that you love them very much. Explain that you will always be they're mother/father, and that at some point another mommy and daddy couldn't keep them. Explain that you are they're parent becaue of it.
The most important thing is to remember to be as honest as possible and to tell them as earlier rather than later. So many people are afraid that the child will not understand, but I have found more times than not that the child will understand and want to learn more as they become more mature. And as parents it is important to support that natural curiosity. The fact is that you tried to explain from the beginning and not hidden the fact from them. That will mean more in the future.
Start by showing them how much you truly care and love them, then be completely honest with them. Sometimes it is okay to break it down and especially to go in depth as to why they have been adopted so they acknowledge and understand.
You could possibly tell them that they have been chosen by you to be their child and this is very, very special and also a special gift from their parents. There are many books and resources available to help explain this to your child. If you are proud of the fact they are adopted and a gift to you, then they should be as well. It may take some time to adjust, however, having a support network of other adoptive parents can be very helpful as well. Thank you for your great question.
The younger they are the easier it is to tell them as they won't see it as such a big deal as you've shown them that your always going to be there for them and care for them, as well making sure to tell them that there parents cared very much for the kid and that at the time they didn't think they could be a good mum and dad so they have them to people who could :)
Just be honest. Say that you love your child a lot, and that you loved them so much, that you went to get them from (wherever they were adopted from) to adopt them. You can do this whenever you feel your child is ready emotionally to find that out. Whatever you do, make sure your child understands that you truly love them.
You can start by explaining that no matter what you are about to tell them, you still love them. Explain the whole adoption process. If they shut down, its because they are confused. But, you can tell them that no matter what, you are their parents and you love them as they are.
Tell them gently. Look for signs to see if they know if they are or not, some children notice, others may not. It just depends on this child.
it shouldn't be hard, I am adopted and I've known my whole life, it doesn't mean you don't love them
You can start by answering any questions that they may have about their birth parents, and the broaden the topic a bit by bringing up why they were put up for adoption, it isnt their fault, and just be there for them because your child will have a lot of questions.
Its important that your child can understand and take what you are about to tell him/her. So make sure when you tell him/her she is the right age to understand and accept what you are going to tell him/her. Its a really good thing that you have planned to tell your child as this is necessary for the trust between the both of you.
the sooner the better and explain your love for them is just the same, and they are special because they were chosen.
That is a very sensitive subject. However I feel that you are the expert in your life and understand best what your situation is like. I also believe you know your child better than anyone else and is more likely to understand their reaction and response to the subject. Trust yourself and whatever you decide to do I believe will be the right thing to do. Whatever the outcome, you are in control and have everything you need to support your child and yourself. In the event that you need more help that I am able to provide please let me know so I can refer you to a more qualified colleague.
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