Loveless marriage
So, I’m 37 and I’ve been in a loveless marriage for the last two years; which is exactly when our daughter was born.
a little backstory: we were married before, and broke up, I came back when he lovebombed me and shortly after I got pregnant. When I gave birth he tested positive for chlamydia, which I think broke my whole trust in him entirely. For the last 6 years he’s exerted his control over me and kept me from doing a lot that I love like art, cosplay and painting. All of that is a waste of time to him, so, I feel like I’m a waste of time too. He’s got all the classic narcissist tendencies, claims to want to change when things get rough, but then reverts right back to his old self every time. Now he’s started using my statements as attacks against me. Things like “I want the same independence you have” are egregious to him. When I try to help him realize he’s being abusive emotionally he gets reactionary and scapegoats his issues. Usually onto me.
After 6 years I wonder why I came back, and now that we have a child together, and seeing how he makes me feel; that’s the last thing I want for my precious girl. I definitely don’t want her to grow up thinking how he treats me is ok.
I finally had it, and lined up a really great opportunity to join an airline, and of course he tries to talk me out of it every single step of the way. So, I’m going at it alone. I know that once I’m out and on my own, away from his control structure I’ll file for divorce, and sole custody.. which is another battle he’s going to make hard on me because he just plain can’t accept responsibility in a relationship situation.
I desperately want someone to love, and love me back the way I know I deserve to be loved; and I know he lacks that capacity in every way that’s essential to me. I have men actually hitting on me daily, but I don’t tell him because he’d belittle me for being sexy; or tell me they’re just in it for the sex, and hey, some are! But the fact that other people desire me is powerful, more powerful than his desire for me.
Im definitely not perfect, I have a lot of doubts about my life, about how sexy I am, and my neediness and high maintenance aspects are definitely not my finer points; but I’m also willing to work on those.
Any advice for a soon to be single mom? This is going to be a rough year.
@BubbingScrubbles Your escape trajectory for both yourself and your daughter is sexy! I’m not hitting on you either. Just sayin, you go girl!
— All the best!
Thank you!
Stay strong...... and my hope is everything goes well for you ..... it is hard to break free and as you do he will fight like crazy to interrupt your plans.... I agree with you wholeheartedly that kids are better off not seeing a bad marriage.
Hello there @BubblingScrubbles, also a single mother with an abusive (former alcoholic) ex who's the father of our son.
It sounds like you have plans on escaping his abuse, which I congratulate you on! Good luck on the new job at the airlines, you can do this!
I don't doubt your sexiness either, it sounds like you have confidence, drive, and motivation to better your situation for you AND your daughter --- and that's what makes you sexy, mama. I'm rooting for you!
Also, I wondered too on why I returned to my abuser at a couple points in our relationship when he verbally and physically assaulted me ... I think after surviving the abuse I can answer that question... I stayed because of "fear" and low self esteem at that time. My ex threatened me if I left and i felt pretty unwanted for a while throughout our 3yr relationship. I didn't think I was desirable at all, but like you, I noticed men and women hitting on me.
It might be due to my new outlook on life and my (slowly rising) confidence/self-esteem that I'm more noticed by people/possible suitors. It's still a battle to maintain the self-esteem/confidence depending on the day, but as they say... "Fake it till you make it".
My ex is sober now, blames nearly killing me and the verbal abuse as well as financial abuse on the alcohol, but there's no chance in HELL I would go back. I feel relieved now. He's helping out with our child much more than before now, and we're sticking strictly to co-parenting.
My only advice to you really, as a single mom is to keep your head up and use all the support you can. It can be really hard some days without help. I've had many ups and downs. I had to call off work a couple times already.. just recently had FOUR people unable to watch the little one tomorrow, so I have to call out again. The only thing I can do really is make up time and do overtime[which my workplace luckily approves us and thanks me for my hard work].
Also, if your ex is physically abusive or you fear he might do something to you... I would recommend getting a restraining order or order of protection, which legally makes it to where he may ONLY contact you via text, phone, or email or however you want it, in regards to your child. Document, document, DOCUMENT. That is why I recommend text messages/email over phone calls or meeting in person. Or even record your phone calls as necessary.
Talk to DV experts as well and have them become your advocate to use in court. If you don't know any DV groups, i recommend contacting the DV hotline: https://www.the hotline.org
They can get you set to the right place. Last piece of advice... Get therapy if you can, it will help process the situation, also can be used in court if you want. Sometimes, you can even find therapy for free by joint the DV support groups, some programs offer 1v1 FREE therapy for Domestic Violence. You can also get a public defender as well [for free]. I mention free a lot, because as a single parent, it becomes harder for us will all the crazy expenses that come out of nowhere and having to deal with everything all alone...
Anyhow, I'm really happy for you, @BubblingScrubbles and proud! It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders. You made plans, you're ready to enact them for a better life. Hopefully you'll also be able to go back to your interests/hobbies again such as art, cosplay, and painting once the plan is set in motion.
Take care, and feel free to keep us updated if you'd like! We're here for you.
Thankfully my husband isn’t physically abusive, and I’ve reached out to DV groups, even contacted DHHS but since he moved me out of my home state, they won’t help. I’m stuck in his state making plans to escape. If I’d I wanted to, I could go back to my parents house but my mom is an EA too; so that’s not a safe space for me of baby girl.
I’ll look into the free DA, that’s what I’m most likely to need.
thank you for your help and support!
I’ll be sure I keep y’all updated
I hope everything goes well for you @BubbingScrqbbles.
And nobody's gonna blame you for escaping an abusive relationship.
Take care of yourself and your child.
You are right, it is going to be a hard year. But it is a huge step to make the decision that you have to leave, and an even bigger step to get the plan in place. You are going to have a lot of emotions and that’s okay. You’re going to feel sad and guilty, but you’re also going to feel relief and happiness. As soon as you’re able to, I would recommend getting some therapy and I encourage you to take care of your mental health along the way. You are doing great and nothing but best wishes for you and your child!
Take a leap. It will be scary in the beginning, but when you start taking care of your baby by yourself it will build your confidence and in a few months you will be so strong that nothing can break you... Take your power back😇😇😇
@BubbingScrubbles
Scrubbles :
I am inviting you to the Sharing Circle chat room where you will receive support and members
will listen to you.
@BubbingScrubbles you will do just fine without him. so sound very confident,sexy and pretty. go for it, i say. hes just holding u back from a great life.
Hey @BubbingScrubbles
it’s been 3 months since you posted this. I hope you and your baby are doing great.
i was a single mom and my ex ( divorced him) was and has been ugly to me. Even now and my son is now 15 living with him since he was 12.
it was very difficult as far as daycare and waking up and picking up the baby. Try to find family support that understand that the father is no good for your health and the baby’s. They have to be on your side. Try not to feel sorry for him. He will try everything in his power to make you feel bad. Don’t listen and set boundaries. You and the court will decide on what goes on. Stay firm to what you want and what’s best for your baby. Don’t settle for 50/50. Bad idea on my part. Get spousal n child support. Don’t feel sorry for him. You’re a good person . you got this!
I am not a single mom but a mother of 13 and 4 grandkids plus married 35yrs to same man.My husband belittled me to at one point until I made realize it what he was doing was wrong plus you don't want no one to that to your sisters,mom,nieces,or even our daughters.He said No was different for a month then back to the old him.So I packed up our youngest daughter which is two and went to go my mom's for six months then my husband wanted me to come home after a week away from him.i didn't come back but when I did return he was totally changed.I was an artist when I met my husband and I still do my art work.
You leave don't look back.Get a lawyer to get that divorce plus let the lawyer know what all did,have witnesses,get the Dr paper shown the std.
You are pretty.,keep up the art work,raise your daughter to your best and show her how to draw,paint,and other stuff plus show her what type of man she needs in her life too.Dont knock your daughter from seeing her dad chide she will be mad at you once she grown cause she didn't have her dad in her life.I list my dad at the of 14 and growing up without a dad was hard.
Let Go Let God
