Where do you go when you start from zero?
Hi everyone. It is hard to write this but I just want to talk to someone, and hear another’s perspective. I turned 35 today, and it’s making me feel heavier by the year. I may have to divorce (this is my second marriage) and I’m a stay at home mom with a 17 month old daughter. My mom has an aggressive form of cancer and chemotherapy is exacerbating her mental health issues along with the physical pain. I don’t have any support system in the way of friends or family but I am in therapy for CPTSD and trying to learn how to feel safe in an environment I grew up in all my life that didn’t allow for that. I think if I were to go back to work after a 10 year gap of caregiving for my disabled sibling I would at least move towards independence. But I don’t know who I am or what I like. I don’t trust my ability to do things. I want to change, and have wanted and waited for years but I know the longer I wait the worse life will get. where do you start? What is the best way to handle this? I’ve learned urgency is a trauma response and leads to collapse/freeze so i know i need to figure things out at a slower pace, no matter how much my body tells me I need to leave my parent’s home and this abusive marriage. I just don’t know where to start. Has anyone gone through something similar or made any progress in their life after going through chronic stress? I just want to live my life one day, and be a good example for my daughter.. and maybe even celebrate my birthday with true happiness and peace one day
@myhonesty22
Hello, You have a huge task ahead of you but you are correct waiting is not going to help. it will be stressful and perhaps a bit scary to start from ground zero. B days and other milestones urge us to start things but you also need long term motivation to keep you focused.
the number one thing that helped me was self love and self reflection. to focus on the best that can happen while still aware of the worst. sometimes especially if out of job market is to access your skills and strengths. My experience is jobs are very seldom like they are described or look like from the outside. depending on where you are there are options for example in area I am many employers use a placement agencies it is a "try before you buy situation" can be both ways i took short term things that showed me a job culture I did not like before signing on with a big company ... some of these agencies give great assessments maybe finding strength in areas you never considered.
@toughTiger6481 thank you so much for your response. I think I’m working on the self-love bit, by not equating the approval of others and their conditional expectations of love (like my mom or husband) with my self-worth. I have a bachelors in psychology anbd annth and was going to start my masters in social work last year but the massive debt (60k) and risk just didn’t seem worth it. do you recommend volunteering? At least to build a network after so long.
@myhonesty22 and anthropology*
@myhonesty22
Volunteering and or networking may help in seeking options or inroads to something.
You are correct school is great and having a degree helps but often the people i meet are in work not even related to degree if field was not easy to get started in or needed more and more school it becomes a debt spiral where the return on investment may not be feasible.
I'm so sorry u feel this way. Know that it is okay to start small. Just take small steps like investing some money just for yourself, prioritizing a self care day one day over the needs of others. I'm so proud u are already practicing self love. U will get there someday. Just visualize a future where u are happily partnered with someone or happily single, where ur daughter grows up to be an amazing young woman and where u are healthy, happy and peaceful and have financial freedom. Whenever u need motivation focus fully on the future that u want. If ur trying to love urself u already do, where do u think the trying comes from? U got this queen of awesomeness❤️
The only way to go is up
@myhonesty22 Just wanted to say hi and say how very sorry I am to hear how much you've been through! And I'm sorry your mom has is dealing with a severe illness. As a cancer survivor myself I know it is not easy for those who are around. The fact that you've been (and currently are) a caretaker while also working on yourself (therapy) and thinking of next steps shows how resilient and strong you are, even if it doesn't feel like it one bit. I resonate so well with the feeling of being lost and needing to discover myself. After having cared for someone for so long, after dedicating your life to others it can feel challenging to see what's left of yourself. You're so right about taking slow steps. Step by step. And in time, you won't even recognize how far you've come. Did you work before you became a full-time caregiver? Is there something you would like to explore, learn? Let me know in case you'd like to chat. There are many amazing Listeners here on 7Cups. And we're hear for each other, to support our little steps forward.
Life is a journey and change comes from challenge and dictates growth. You got this, every journey is challenging at first but the end result will leave a learning experience all worth the while.