Bitterness
I'm generally a positive person. I have my moments, for sure. I can be all doom and gloom and cry my eyes out for the mess that the world seems to be in. But, after a good cry, I suck it up and choose to live my life as happy as possible, spending time with relatives, friends. Trying not to get mad in long lines, or when things just don't seem to be working out.
My spouse, on the other hand, has just moved into this terribly negative place and it's exhausting. I just don't understand how someone can be so bitter and angry about everything all.the.time. I mean, we all know that there is bad stuff happening in the world every day. Horrible stuff. But we don't soak in it. Every day he's reading about it, watching it on TV, listening to it on the radio, all day.
His opinions on all sorts of things are soooo negative, or mean, or bitter. I struggle to understand why he wants to live the rest of his life this way. Angry about what he didn't get in life. Angry about the way the world is. Not ever really acknowledging how good his life actually is. He takes pessimism to the extreme.
Anyone else dealing with someone so bitter?
@thoughtfulmomma
Depression?
@LostTurtle22
Possible/probable. But we're talking about someone who will never go to therapy.
@thoughtfulmomma. My long time partner has a angry , negative view of the world. I’m more on the positive side.
@adventurousBranch3786
It's so exhausting to deal with. I'm at a point in my life where I feel like I'm being pushed to not care and to just protect myself and my happiness.
@thoughtfulmomma. I learned something’s here at 7cups that have been helpful for me. I used to tell him not to worry and he would become angrier. But when I say things like ,”I see how that is upsetting “ he seems to respond more calmly.
Your happiness is worth protecting. It's the one thing no one can take from you
@thoughtfulmomma
I can only imagine how much it must take for you to stay positive seeing your spouse being so bitter. Maya Angelou says this about bitterness - “Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host.” I have a friend who became that way and feel very sorry for them also that I can't help in any way. They simply need professional support. Sometimes people reach a point in their lives where the support and love from closed ones it not enough anymore. Do you feel that could be the case with your spouse? Living in such a situation can be very challenging and needs a great deal of self care and the determination not to absorb those negative feelings but stay positive in life. Please do not forget you can always connect to a listener here for a 1:1 chat if you like to go more into detail about what's going on ❤️
Bitterness is a poison
@thoughtfulmomma Yeah totally, there are times in someone's life when I think their reality is shaken so badly by catastrophe that they are coming to grips with a new perspective for what was never actually in their control.
I think it's a form of self deception that is challenged by what is set directly in front of us that is our tragic loss of something dear to us, even if it's solely a new awareness for what we cannot control.
I have a lot of sympathy for people absorbed in chaos, I feel like the cure is honesty with oneself but some never reach for that idk. How long has your partner been like that?
@bontaki
I've been thinking about this, trying to figure out when he started feeling/acting this way. I don't know. It's definitely gotten bad the past three years, but the more I think about it, it was definitely going on for several years before that. And maybe it's been going on his whole life and as he gets older he's just gotten angrier and angrier.
I'm sorry to hear that, it's hard living with somebody like that. Walking on egg shells trying not to upset them isn't fun at all. Usually when somebody is angry like that they are in a state of feeling trapped, anger and fear are complimentary and sometimes that can be lead by a series of negative inner voices connected to actions and behaviors.
Sometimes I think that's why we take time away from our daily patterns, maybe he's stuck in a routine that's grinding him into the ground. Just some thoughts, I wish you a positive future and I hope your spouse can recover for everyone's sake. Cheers.
I have a bit of this going on too.... my spouse also outraged or bitter usually after watching / reading ..........Things disguised as news but is just designed for outrage.
I told him i am done with that i leave the room if he turns anything like that ON .. and when he starts reading me things off computer or something i tell him send me a link i may or may not chose to read but i do not need his version or commentary........
i will do yard work or take a walk
without an audience and no one to share in his bitter party he has slowly stopped pushing it on me...
@thoughtfulmomma My father is this way, but not even about the state of the world, more sorry for himself. Like you said, these people ignore all the good stuff and fixate on the bad.
If you ever say anything to him, like "Do you know where the spatula is?" he will jump down your throat about a perceived slight.
Even stuff that doesn't need to be commented on, like the color of a car passing by, he has a snarky and aggressive comment about it.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I'm glad you've held on to your positive (or even neutral) outlook. My mother deals with this too, and I don't know how she stands it. I think mindfulness would help, or therapy, to help reorient their thoughts - but in the case of my father, he would never make an attempt because he doesn't see this as a major problem.
It sucks to be around that kind of attitude. If he starts directing his anger at you, know that it will only get worse. And if he doesn't see a need for change then, I don't know what to tell you.
@2aphod8eeblebrox
snarky comments - yes....I have to hear them all the time, too. Completely unnecessary.
It's difficult to know that there are tools out there that will help but that a person refuses to use them.
I consider myself a bit bitter too. It's basically an irritability, anger, and aggression directed at myself and the loved ones. Then I noticed that by overcoming depression, my anger/aggression shifted toward the obstacles at work and life that kept me from achieving the things I was capable of and fighting for my values. Now I sort of understand that the anger/aggression/irritability is the energy of our lives, and what makes us tick, but lost and displaced. No wonder we are depressed. The trick is to redirect it. I don't know how long my insights will hold.
@LostTurtle22
Good you became aware of how much anger/aggression can deprive you in life. Sorry to hear about your depression, it's not something easy to overcome. Glad you reached out and joined this site.
@LostTurtle22
I think you are very astute to recognize it in yourself .... i think next time i start to feel this way i will think of better ways to redirect ..
@thoughtfulmomma It seems to me that bitterness, negativity, pessimism and anger are often learned in early childhood as a way of making other people (especially parents) do what the child wants in order to quiet him or her down. If reinforced often enough, these behaviors can persist into adulthood. However, this sort of behavior does not bring happiness to anyone. It sounds like negativity and bitterness are pouring into him from the television and radio, and are now seeping into your life as well through his resentment over what he doesn't have and lack of appreciation for the many good things he does have. For me, disengaging from negative people, media, and environments has greatly improved my mental health, well-being, and happiness in life. This resource may be helpful to you in setting boundaries so that his pessimism, negativity, bitterness, and anger are limited to him and do not prevent you from experiencing joy and positivity in life: https://www.7cups.com/boundaries/ Feel free to message me anytime if you would like to talk more about this. I hope you find the peace and happiness you deserve in life.
@thoughtfulmomma
Hi. Yes, I do live with a person that can hold a similar negative/pessimistic view of life. I have recently started seeing the negativity as a not-so-healthy way to deal with anxiety and this helped me have more compassion for them. And now that I think about it, they come from a background where relating over negativity is a lifestyle and the more prevalent form of communication so I understand that that could be part of the reason.
It can be very exhausting to deal with all the negativity and sometimes it makes me angry. It is best to practice detaching emotionally from their experiences. Imagine there is bubble around each one of us, and this bubble protects you from the harmful energy from anyone so you do not take anyone's negativity as your own. His stuff is his.
I think it could be beneficial to the relationship to have a conversation about this to him. Maybe you could tell him: I really care about you and I feel concerned about how the content you view could be affecting your health and our relationship. I want to feel connected to you and I am unable to feel so in the current situation. Do you have ideas on how we could work that out?
When he starts saying snarky things, tell him that it doesn't feel good to you to hear that and leave the room. And go do something that makes you feel at ease.
See what he says. He might get defensive. He might appreciate it but still not be able to change anything because it has become a habit. He might recognize how it could be hurting him and making him a difficult person to be around. Meanwhile, continue to take care of yourself and your happiness. Disengage from any activities or conversations that harm your soul and spirit. Hopefully, like the other user did, if you stopped engaging or giving that behavior any attention then he'd subside.
Good luck,
I dunno if this will be of any help. I have a difficult spouse (wife). She's somewhat negative as well and it comes across as if it's all my fault. Over the years, I learnt to do two things. The first and most important is to not let her affect me in that way. It's just not helpful at all. It doesn't help me do better, I need encouragement more than criticism, and it's not helping her either. Especially with me reacting negatively to her. Then, I learn to laugh about it. I remind her we're both human but that it's alright. I laugh when things go awry. More often than not, it's a molehill rather than a mountain. I let her let it out, agree with her, and then discuss what's best to do about it, and if not, do something more fun. I simply don't take the blame nor expect that I can make it better. Whatever I'm doing, I'm doing for myself. I want our lives to be happy and I will do what I can. But I don't have to meet anyone's standards. Oddly, it seems to work. With my wife, it's just her. Maybe it's menopause, maybe it's something else. No matter, she's still my wife and I love her and we can still be happy together. Just realise it's not you. It's him. He just needs you more than you need him emotionally. If it gets overwhelming, let it pass. The more you want it to change, the harder you're making it for yourself. Think of it as day and night. Night will come, and then the next day. Like it or not, that's life. If it rains, fetch an umbrella. If it storms, shutter down. No point getting upset about things you can't control.
