Don’t know what to do
For over 23 yrs my husband has hid things from me, major & minor, lies about things even tho he knows that I know the truth, has done and said some nasty things and never apologizes. I’m always the one who approaches him to fix our relationship after one of his “episodes” (not cheating or gambling or drugs). So as a result, I realized last night that I have so much anger built up in me and that yes I know over these years I criticize him and snap at him. I also take care of everything in the household and I take care of him. Example: he calls from work, he needs ER dentist STAT. Why? 4 months ago he cracked his tooth. So I drop everything and I find him an ER dentist and get him appt. In January he got angry at me because he secretly hid 40,000 in debt and told me he wants a divorce. I finally got off the waiting list for the apt and now he wants to work things out, whereas before I’d ask him and he’d say no. So I say ok. He’s acting all happy. I didn’t tell him that I was still going to see the apt. Last night I went to see it right after work. Came home, asked him about marriage counseling. He became angry and said no. I told him I thought, on my way home, that since he said he wanted to fix things, that he’d be willing to go to marriage counseling. His reply was “why would you do that to yourself”. He was angry and was basically telling me I’m a horrible person and he would go to counseling on his own but not with me because he didn’t need “me and the counselor hanging up on him”. I explained the counselor needs to work with both of us together and I took full responsibility for being so critical of him & I explained where that came from & how he refuses to show any remorse for any of his behavior. I explained that we need to work on why he hides things from me and lies and why he doesn’t communicate with me and that we need to work on me not criticizing him. Nope, he was just angry and just kept telling me I needed to just let go of everything he’s done and move forward. I told him that won’t change his behavior. He was very, very angry during this conversation. I realized at the time ok this is a dead end and I told him that I had just come from seeing the apt. Suddenly he’s open to marriage counseling, says he’s 100% in. Part of me just wants out but I’m so scared and I’m not positive I can afford everything. Still owe a huge chunk on my 2013 car that he bought without telling me, car ins, renters ins, credit card bills. The apt includes all utilities except internet. Part of me wants to stay and hope that he follows through with marriage counseling. I’m scared if I pass on the apt that he’ll go back to not talking to me and pull something else that will negatively affect me. It’s a huge risk either way and I don’t know what to do.
@purpleBeechwood3310
I'm so so sorry that you have to go through this. You seem to take care of everything and that is draining! It hurts when your partner only makes an effort when he is put under pressure like knowing you saw an apt. To fix a marriage it needs both parties to communicate and make an effort. Getting professional help can make a big difference.
Could you put the apt. on hold for a while, at least until you saw a marriage counselor together and see how he reacts to it?
I have until Friday to take the apt. I might pass and ask to stay on the wait list. I can’t decide.
@purpleBeechwood3310
I wonder if staying on the waiting list will give you some sort of safety feeling?
@purpleBeechwood3310
23 years is a long time to wait for someone to show remorse. Unfortunately we cannot change or control other people's choices; over time, we just learn to understand them better. People react/respond differently to situations and it looks like his way of dealing with stuff has caused you much pain over the years. When you say he was very very angry, what do you mean? Are you safe?
Thank you. I’m safe. When I say he was angry, he gets angry, raises his voice, says horrible things. Nothing physical.
@purpleBeechwood3310
I'm glad you are safe.
About the worries connected to moving out on your own, if that is what you choose to do, is this something your family/friends might be able to support you short term with? Sometimes it takes a while to get on your feet emotionally, financially and it's okay to start small. Baby steps.
@purpleBeechwood3310
I can understand how complicated and confusing this feels. You’ve spent a big part of your life in a relationship with a man who hasn’t really prioritized having an honest, mutually respectful commitment. It sounds scary making a big change.and the unknown is daunting, but if you have to threaten leaving to incentivize him to make an effort to salvage 23 years of a relationship, is he going to truly commit to working together to improve things?
Only you can make this decision, but his sudden change of heart about therapy makes me suspicious of his honesty. If you feel you want more time to figure out your plans and money situation, that’s ok too. By taking time to prioritize your needs and goals, you will feel more confident and comfortable in msking a decision.
You are in a tough position, but I’m proud of you for starting to think about the next chapter. You are not alone, our community is a great resource.
And if you ever want to chat, feel free to message me directly. I’m here for you ❤️
Thank you so much! This morning I decided to pass on the apt because I really didn’t like it and found a better one, close to my work! I go see it tomorrow. Almost like the universe is telling me to move!
@purpleBeechwood3310
As others have mentioned, a marriage takes two.
Someone told me many years ago "in relationships, you see someone a few times in different scenes (bar, home, family, friends, alone, etc). Take a good long hard deep look and then ask yourself can I accept this person as they are now for the rest of my life. Because they can only change themselves."
Then next thing, if your spouse changes... are these changes they want or you want. If they want the change, then they wish to (fill blank). If they are doing to appease you, you need to take an inner look at what do you need.
Things do change a lot in marriages that have lasted many years. I've been married 43 years this year and I've seen a lot of changes. Things between us are not the same as it used to be. Life has a tendency to wear you down. Getting older doesn't help either.
My wife has changed a lot in personality since working in retail for 35 years. She just doesn't want to spend any time with people anymore. Heck, she hardly wants to spend time with me. She spends her time at home buried in housework, books, TV, phone and her garden. She doesn't seem to want to spend much time at all maintaining and enriching our relationship. It's always been up to me to keep it alive. Well, in recent years, I've grown tired of having the full responsibility of keeping our marriage going. One sided relationships are burdensome when its only you keeping it going.
I’m sorry to hear this. I’m guessing after spending so many years working retail and giving so much of herself to everyone else that she wants to be alone, but that shouldn’t mean she should exclude you. I hope that if you talk to her about it, she’ll come around.
@purpleBeechwood3310
Yes, that has contributed to her moods. But what bothers me is that she doesn't care enough to at least help to keep our marriage alive. She always seems to leave that responsibility to me. It's very frustrating.
Not sure if talking to her about it will change anything. We've had many talks about such things and nothing ever changes.
I’m so very sorry. I know what that’s like, to feel so alone with your partner. I hope that it gets better for you.
@purpleBeechwood3310
For the most part, I've nearly lost all hope for it to get better. I'd like for it to, but when it's one sided, its not likely. It is what it is, and not much I can do about it anymore. What has been done has been done. It would take a miracle for things to change.
Does she know you feel this way? Does she know that you are ready to leave?
@purpleBeechwood3310
Sorry to give a late reply... I hadn't been on here much at all for the past several days. I feel like I've exhausted myself here with all I've shared and with the limitations of this forum, it seems pointless at times to be on here much anymore.
But to answer you're question, we don't communicate much at all about the issues. She avoids bringing it up and I've come to the point in doing the same. It doesn't do any good. She knows how I feel about things I'm sure, but shows little interest in making things better. Communicating anything about it in the past hasn't produced any positive results anyway. That's why I've given up for the most part.
I know I am late in replying. I have appreciated all the responses. I am in a similar position. And my question would be: in the quietest part of your heart, when no one else is listening but you, what do you want? That has been a hard one for me to answer after choosing to live for others, my entire life. But I’m working on it, and I wish you the best!
Hi, Beechwood,
It sounds to me like your husband is using therapy as a way to control you. You mention moving, and he presses the button that will get you to stay.
I was married for 16 years and couldn't take it anymore. I finally left him and it was the right thing to do. His abuse was not going to stop.
If you think your husband is using the therapy to control you, understand that his actions are abusive. Mental abuse includes when your partner tries to mentally control you. And if he is being mentally abusive in that way, he is probably being mentally abusive in other ways, too.
You need to think about if you want to live with that mind control the rest of your life or not.
How is he now? Did he start therapy with you? Have you decided to move out?
In any case, I wish you strength and the ability to think clearly and constructively about your path.
--tree
Wow! I hope I’m not to late. Sounds a little like my situation only I’m not lucky enough to be able to afford anything on my own and neither can he. So…we’re stuck with each other. GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN!!! I can’t express this enough. He will NEVER change! I have been with my husband for 30 years and I am miserable. We are basically just room mates that get into arguments. We have two children. My son moved back home after having left two years ago because they don’t get along. My husband often says inappropriate and/or hurtful things and then call us “too sensitive” when we call him out on it. So I’m stuck between the two of them trying to keep the peace. I am literally in a ditch and can’t crawl out.
Please get out and away from that very toxic relationship. It isn’t working and never will.
@GCPORTELL
I'm 40+ years in a marriage that I'm half miserable in. I'm kinda stuck in my situation myself. We're also just two people who live together like civil roommates... civil most of the time anyway. There's no intimacy anymore, and hasn't been for over 2 years now. We don't get into arguments too much, but she's too passive aggressive for it to get too bad. I do have a dog that makes a great companion though... LOL!
Anyway, hope you didn't mind me cutting in here. Just saw your comment and thought, "Hey, I can relate to that!" I'm in a ditch and can't seem to crawl out either... 😊
No problem cutting in. That’s what I signed up for. I wrote up this long explanation about my problems and the site said they would notify me when someone had taken up my post but so far nothing. I’m not sure if I did something wrong….
the best thing I ever did was move out of the bedroom into a spare room. It’s my own sanctuary. Although he has no problem opening the door without knocking. Usually it’s to ask a question.
I went to a therapist once and after a few sessions she said that I had to understand that he has his own issues. We went to a marriage counselor twice and I should have stopped after the first one. He didn’t want to go but after multiple arguments he agreed. He was pretty rude to the counselor and said psychology was a “crock”. He was just as rude to the second one and walked out after a few minutes. So that was that. He needs meds, or antidepressants, or pot or something but refuses. He walks in from work every day looking for stuff to complain about. Like why is the kit hen such a mess. But it’s not. It’s completely in order but there’s one spoon, or fork or bowl in the sink and that makes it a mess. Or there’s too many things on the counter. But it’s the same stuff that been there for years. I hate clutter and disorganization so honestly, the house is fine. Even when the kids were young, people would come over and comment on how neat and clean the house is. So it’s him.
And with my son…. He’s not nice and says mean things. This weekends drama was over my son’s cat. My son thought he ate a Lilly’ from a flower arrangement. My son went a little crazy especially as he was leaving to go out of town. My husband’s response? “So the cat dies. What’s the big deal?” They had some words to which my son explained that his attitude was the reason he had moved out. Husband’s response in an angry tone, “so get the *** out and don’t come back again.” This is the crap that I deal with.
Sorry for the rant. I really need to find a solution. How do we crawl out?
@GCPORTELL
Where did you write that long post at? In one of the forums? If so, which one?
I moved into the spare bedroom myself too about 2 years ago. For one reason, was because of her work schedule that made it hard for me to sleep. Another is because I lay there not able to sleep thinking and dwelling on the tension that exists between us. And a third is because sometimes she snores like a freight train... LOL!
We haven't gone to any therapists or anything. I don't think she would agree to go to one anyway. Funny thing about all this is she seems content the way things are, or at least isn't interested in making things better. She just doesn't make the effort. She's always been one to think that it's always up to me to fix things or make the first move. After 40+ years of marriage, I've grown tired of always being the one to breath life into this relationship. See, she's somewhat selfish, passive aggressive and an introvert. Rather than trying to make our marriage better, she just buries herself with work, book reading and messing with her phone.
And no need to apologize for the rant. It's what this is for.
I wished you could find a solution for your situation. I wished I could find one for mine. How do we crawl out? Good question. At this stage in life, it's not easy to just walk away and start over again. Sadly, I often regret getting married to her and wished my life had taken a different route. Would it had been better? Who knows... it may have been a different set of problems... 😊