AMA Thread - Broken New Year's Resolutions clinic (ENDED)
Hi everyone! Starting tomorrow the much-awaited AMA session with Graham Barrone goes live. This is your thread to ask questions that will be responded to by Graham Barrone.
The topic of AMA: Broken New Year's Resolutions clinic - Revisit, revise, renew and redo. One week picking up the pieces of broken new year's resolutions and putting them back together in ways that work for you.
Duration: 10 Feb (Monday) to 14 Feb (Friday)
What to keep in mind?
☆ Only ask questions relevant to the topic of the AMA (see topic above under details).
☆ This AMA is not a place to seek personal support. If you are in need of a listening ear, please connect to a listener here for support.
☆ Once the AMA ends, any questions that come after will not be responded to, so grab the opportunity while it's here!
Hello!
Graham here. Welcome to the AMA. I'm very much looking forward to tackling this very timely issue.
I am a massive fan of New Years resolutions as well as Monday, Tuesday, February, 3pm, post holiday, car park and or sick bed resolutions. To resolve to do something is a thing we must be in constant rapport with and quite often we can give up being so resolute because the thing we were being resolute about in the first place didn't happen. For example if you declared that you were going to stop smoking on the 1st of January and by the 3rd of January you were tearing upon a pack of twenty. Don't be disheartened. This doesn't mean you have to wait till the next New Year to again be resolute.
So I am here to say 'don't give up!'. If it's worthy don't stop. There may be a number of reasons why you didn't achieve what you wanted to achieve so let's look at those things.
Lets be clear...we are talking about Goals here. And whilst declaring on the 31st of January that you will practice the tin whistle everyday for an hour might sound like a good resolution, it does lack some important details that might make the aim more realistic and achievable.
Anywho...I am reluctant to give out ideas around Goals at the moment because I'd like to see first what it is you are struggling with. So bring it on.
Oh and just as a little heads up this isn't the forum to get into personal issues. With the best will in the world whilst I care about your progress in life my time is limited here and I will need to give all voices a fair hearing and response.
let's do this
g
Ooh and one other thing I'm guessing my be relevant. I will check in to the AMA and respond around two or three times a day. I am also in the U.K. so bare in mind that we might be working from two different time zones. So please don't worry if you think your message has been over looked. I will get to it.
Now let's go!
g
@GrahamBarroneICHP
Hello,
My new year resolution was to overcome my anxiety but that's very unfortunate.
That's a great resolution @lyricalAngel70
Detail is important here just so you know what you are wanting to achieve. So, what I'd ask you to consider is this:
1. When do you want to resolve your anxiety by; one year, two years, three years etc...
2. Why do you want to resolve it, what's it going to do for you, how's it going to improve your life...
3. How can you break down the goal into mini goals such as being able to go shopping by yourself, be comfortable in a crowd, talking to strangers etc...
4. What things do you need to routinely to help you achieve your mini goals. For example: meditating every day, joining a local wellbeing group, exercising more, improving diet, getting better sleep etc...
5. What obstacles do you anticipate stopping you from achieving your mini goals and what solutions will you put in place to overcome them.
6. How will you know you've achieved your mini goal?
That should help you build a more resolute resolution.
@GrahamBarroneICHP
I am wanting to achieve each and everything that you mentioned especially the point where you mentioned shopping, facing the crowd, etc, all alone. I want to be independent completely but I'm unable to do so which is unfortunate.
That's a good goal @lyricalAngel70
How might you write up your goal now if you follow the steps I mentioned above?
@GrahamBarroneICHP
I like the mini goals. I was working on just trying to not panic when leaving a restroom while I was out shopping. My therapist had me work on breathing and counting because sometimes I couldn't even find out how to get out of the door to wash my hands. Then once we worked on that then we worked on the main door to get out of the restroom so I didn't have to have someone with me. Now it has been over a month and I don't panic when using the restroom but still working on not having to have someone with me. I just keep remembering being locked in a room and couldn't get out and having a panic attack and felt like I couldn't breathe.
This is brilliant @Havingfuninthesnow
Its always worth acknowledging and celebrating the changes you notice. You're clearly making progress and that's a good news story that we all need to hear.
You see how setting mini goals with clearly defined ways to achieve them truly has good outcomes.
keep up the good work.
@GrahamBarroneICHP
Hi,
I gave a thought about all the questions that you asked considering and it looks like this -
1. When do you want to resolve your anxiety by; one year, two years, three years, etc...
2-3 years
2. Why do you want to resolve it, what's it going to do for you, how's it going to improve your life...
- I wanna resolve it to become self-sufficient & independent
- It is going to make my life much easier
- It will improve my life by helping me overcome my fears and insecurities.
3. How can you break down the goal into mini-goals such as being able to go shopping by yourself, be comfortable in a crowd, talking to strange, rs, etc...
- Be able to be comfortable in a crowd
- Be able to be comfortable under my skin
- To be able to do things all by me without anybody's assistance.
4. What things do you need to routinely to help you achieve your mini goa's? For example: meditating every day, joining a local wellbeing group, exercising more, improving diet, getting better sleep, ep, etc...
- Exercising - that I do but not regularly
- Improving sleep - I'm an insomniac
- Improving diet - working on it
- Joining a local wellbeing group won't be possible since I avoid the crowd.
5. What obstacles do you anticipate stopping you from achieving your mini goals and what solutions will you put in place to overcome them.
Obstacles - facing crowd, doing things alone, facing criticism, overthinking, etc.
Solution - To face my fears every single day if possible
6. How will you know you've achieved your mini-goal?
When I get comfortable doing things that I once feared even thinking doing would be the day I know I have overcome my anxiety. I am eagerly waiting for this day. 😢
@lyricalAngel70
Why unfortunate?
@Janet1017
Because I am unable to carry out the task essential to overcome anxiety. I thought I would be able to achieve it at least in 2020 but I couldn't do so
@GrahamBarroneICHP
My new resolution is to reduce my overthinking. As i am overthinker and negative thoughts come to my mind. By this i am not fully enjoy my life
Yes @Peacefullmind123
Overthinking and fending off those pesky automatic negative thoughts is a very worthy focus. It's a great goal to have. What's your plan to achieve this?
@GrahamBarroneICHP
I don't know exact plan.
oops sorry @Peacefullmind123 ive only just seen your message.
To begin to work out a plan i find it useful to imagine you know all the answers. At some deep and mysterious level all the answers are in you and waiting to be released. Now imagine if there were no obstacles for you in life, no worries, concerns or restrictions. What three things do you imagine you might instintively feel would make your life better if you could master them? Dwell on this for a while if you need to. Meditate on it. Wehn you are ready write these things down. There might only be one thing and thats cool. One thing that would make your life better is a good thing to aim for. This then becomes your goal.
Now imagine its sometimes in the future and you have achieved your goal. You are feeling the pleasure and contentment of having realised that your goal that your set yourself some time ago has been a achieved and now you feel so great and self empowered. As you look back on the time you spent achieving your goal think of all those mini goals you had to create and work towards before you could achieve this big goal. Write them down, you do not have to think to hard on this just write what comes to mind. Then remember/imagine what you did to achieve each mini goal. All those choices you made all that support you found, all those little steps. Write them down too. You might be able to draw a diagram of these mini goals like stepping stones to your bigger goal and in between the stepping stones you could write all those things you did to achieve each one.
If you can go on that journey in you mind you will have the beginnings of a good goal and plan to achieve it.
@GrahamBarroneICHP
Hello, my main new year's resolution was to be more positive, better my self-esteem/self confidence and be more pro-active but I haven't been up for the challenge so far. I can stay motivated for the maximum of two days but after that my negativity and low self-esteem come rushing in and bring my motivation and mood to an all time low.
@LindaSkellington5
I love this goal. It outlines something that should possibly be such a simple request and yet can be so difficult to achieve.
i think to have a goal where you want to think more positively and raise your self esteem/confidence are superb but it is super important to break this goal down into mini goals. To achieve this goal you might want to look at stepping stone mini goals of activities like meditation, walking exercises, maintaining a good diet, confiding in close friends, family or a professional. Improving sleep patterns etc...
Having a handful of mini goals like these will get you in the direction you need to go to achieve your overall goal. But you've got to approach each mini goal in the same way you would the bigger goal and that is to break them down into small chunks of mini goals. So for example let's focus on a mini goal of meditation . You might write the goal up as 'I am meditating everyday at 7:30am focusing on my breath for ten minutes'. That's quite a detailed goal. You might then outline how you are going to achieve this. For example research and find a suitable mediation that works for you, what do I need to do to make sure I have the time set aside to meditate, I will write a short note about my meditation experience everyday in my meditation journal, I will start by meditating for three minutes everyday and then four and then five until I get to ten minutes.
So...chunk down your bigger goal into mini goals and work out the steps you need to take to achieve those mini goals. Also it's worth making note of why you want to achieve this goal. What will you get out of it.
hope that helps.
@GrahamBarroneICHP
Yes, that is very helpful, thank you so much.
@GrahamBarroneICHP
Hi and thank you for doing this for us. I would like to advocate for myself better, particularly with my partner. I have a clear sense of what needs to be said but can't seem to get over the hurdle to actually say it. I guess the idea of actually saying these things frightens me. I don't know how to break that down to make it more manageable, since it is pretty much just a matter of needing to do it.
Sounds like you may have a bit of performance anxiety @ReallyRuth. Maybe also some fear of the consequences.
Being able to communicate your thoughts and feelings clearly is an important skill to learn in life and i applaude your desire to shoot for the top goal of communication skills.
Firstly, understand what it is you want to say. You obviously have a right to express yourself and be heard. I would suggest you google 'I statements' also known as 'I messages'. These provide a good way to communicate yourself clearly and simply whilst not holding anyone responsible for the way you are feeling. They are good non threatening ways to express yourself in what could be potentially difficult conversations. They do take practice though, so have a good time by yourself playingf with the different ways you could express yourself using I statements.
Secondly, rehearse. Imagine yourself talking about whats on your mind. Play it through in your head and say it out loud. See yourself as confident and self possessed.
Thirdly. Consequences. Sometimes we dont say what we want to say because we fear the reactions or sometimes worse non reactions of others. When we express ourselves we need to be sure of what it is we want, what are the boundries here. Is it enough just to express yourself and get it out there, or do you require some kind of feedback or acknowledgment. You maybe be asking and expecting for something to be done and you have to consider what you will do if this thing is not done. This can be a real sticking point in many relationships. Saying what we want to be done, creating boundries but not backing up any transgressions with consequences. It can leave a person feeling quite powerless.
A few things to think about there, i hope it helps.
@GrahamBarroneICHP
I am pretty good on the I Statements and have probably rehearsed too many times. I am so good at handling difficult situations and conversations in other aspects of my life. It frustrates me that I am so terrible at home.
Yes. The consequences part is the trick. I am very aware that for many, many years I put up with behaviors I should not. When I got stronger and wiser, I established some better boundaries but they are being disrespected.
I really need to discuss it, but I don't want to deal with the reaction. And I havent sorted out how to be successful in the moment where I am sitting there dreading saying the first word and then just give up.
Perhaps a letter might help you to say it all @ReallyRuth?
@GrahamBarroneICHP
That is likely a good strategy. Thank you. I'd still have to face the reaction, unfortunately.
@GrahamBarroneICHP
is it ever wrong to just want someone to understand how you are. I didnt make a resolution but if I did it would to be get my family to be better supportive with my mental health issues.. they laugh me off and then they get mad when I dont tell them Im struggling. I relapsed in SH and Im so scared to tell them.
how could I fix this somewhat resolution and hopefully Im staying within the guidelines
I sorta messed that up. Sorry, I more ment like, what might be practical steps in getting more open with my family when all they do is laught and get mad. I guess a simple term is how to work family relationships if that
This is a difficult situation to find yourself in @scarredbutloved5115. You obviously and clearly need to be heard and understood and for whatever reasons your family are simply finding it too hard to do this.
Families may be well meaning but often lack the skills and emotional inteligence to acknowledge that someone in the family is suffering and more often than not actually know what to do about it. As individuals they might be poor communicators, or they simply dont do emotion very well. Or they may even be afraid and paralsyed with uncertainty because they dont know what to do. What ever the reason you need to be as direct with them as you can be. If you are able to take each one and talk to them on their own heart to heart it may help them to understand that their is a real issue. Ask them if they have noticed that you are suffering, ask them what they know about you. If you can its also a good idea to talk to them as a group once youve talked to them individually and discuss how youve spoken to them all one to one about whats going on for you and that you would like their support to help you through this.
You might need to have a good idea of what kind of support you want from them as they might not know and be happier to do what you suggest. However it may be that even this will not help them to help you and so you might need to broaden your support network outside of your family to include, friends, professionals, teachers etc..
It can be a hard thing to come to terms with but sometimes our familes just dont have the skills to support us in the way that we would like and with the best will in the world we have to accept that as painful as that can be without seeing it as rejection. This is such a common problems within families and the last thing you will want to do is help them to help you but it might be where your focus needs to go. If there is love then use it and speak to them from your heart.
@GrahamBarroneICHP
It is scary to do New Year goals. When we want to open up to our friends about our depression and anxiety but keep stalling I am not sure how to approach the topic. We were trying in the room to get ideas but we were all thinking we had the same issue and weren't sure.
I'm sorry @Havingfuninthesnow are you saying that your new years resolution was to open up to your friends and family to talk about your depression and anxiety?
@GrahamBarroneICHP
Yes, I and others aren't sure about how.
@Havingfuninthesnow
Ok so sharing whats going on for you is very important but you want to be sure that you are sharing it with the right people. Not everyone can help or maybe even understand, however they may still be respectful and kind about it. Look at who you have in your life. Select those that you feel you can trust and appoach them. Think about how you might communicate this, will you feel more comortable sharing this on the phone, email, face to face etc... Imagine what you might say and how you will say it, kind of like a rehearsal.
Another thing to consider is what it is you are wanting out of sharing whats going on for you with others. Often we can be very disappointed with peoples responses because it didnt live up to our unconscious expectations. So ask yourself what is you you are hoping to achieve by sharing this. Is it enough to just share it and have the burden liften or are you looking for answers from a particular person.
@GrahamBarroneICHP
My new year's resolution was to be more organized and have a better study schedule but that has turned out to be really hard. I wanted to do it because I have frequent migraines that make studying almost impossible but in January my migraines were really bad so I didn't get into any routine of doing any of what I set out to do. Overthinking has also been another obstacle in my plan that I thought would be pretty easy and obtainable at first.
This is a good example to bring up @littlePapaya2167
Our intentions are often hijacked by illness, bad luck and the unexpected. And thats ok. This is life. Having a goal is very important, it gives you something very real to aim for. However all plans must be flexible enough to withstand a few batterings. It is so so so so crucial that you always have a reminder that tells you to pick up the plan again. Everydsay is a new opportuinty to pick up your plan again and get back on track.
Its much like when meditating and you are focusing on the breath. That is the plan. However thoughts very often will come along and distract you and deviate you from that plan. People commonly think its at this point that they have failed. That they can not clear their mind enough for two mintues to meditate. But this is exactly where the growth point is. Do not stop just because you have been distracted. As soon as wyou are aware that you are not folowing your plan for whatever reason refocus yourself back on that plan and continue on that path. Incidentally cultivating a daily meditation practice is superb for overthinking and taming the runaway mind.
You might also find it useful to preempt the effect a migraine will have on your plans by agreeing with yourself that it is ok to down tools for a while until the migraine has passed and as soon as it has gone you will get back on track.
@GrahamBarroneICHP
Hi Graham
Thanks again for giving of your time, care and expertise to help people, it really means a lot.
Life has been insane and now it is almost mid Feb and been in mainly survival mode to get through things that have to be done, just because I have no other option because people rely on me, otherwise I probably would sleep for a month out of pure exhaustion.
I maybe set a goal without "setting" one and have completed part thereof, more out of necessity than the "want" to.
I find if I set one and then I don't achieve it, then it sort of amplifies the feeling of failure.
So does not setting one as in saying this is what my new years resolution is, but this is what needs to be done sort of like setting one without the pressure of setting one?
Or is that like sailing without a destination in mind and therefore unproductive, and a cop out to actually try make one, or would that be considered self care?
Thanks again
Take care
Avaray
@Hope
I am never good at keeping resolutions. I really have some resolutions from the last 2 or 3 years. But I don't seem to fulfil them. I end up forgetting until new year. How can I be consistent?
Consistency is the key @colourfulFish2677
Merely by enquiring now about how you can be more consistent is you doing what you need to do to tackle the problem. Keeping your mind curious and interested in how you can change can be enough to help you learn the skills to be more consistent. Not giving up is crucial here. Be clear about your goals, make them simple and achievable. Break them down into chunks and aim for those.
Set yourself reminders on your phone, in calenders, diaries etc... Know that you can begin where you left off at any time. Dont beat yourself up or set unrealistic expectations or time frames around your goals. I know we are talking about new years resolutions here but beneath that is the more important all year round continuous goal setting that we all would benefit from engaging in.
But for me lack of consistency suggests that you might not want your goal as much as you think you do. Its ok to want something but if you are not in touch with the reasons why you want it and its important to you, you are likely to buckle as soon as the work to achieve the goal feels like a chore.
Dont be in any doubt that if something is worth having and has meaning to you to achieve it will be challenging. You will struggle and you will want to give up. So, remind yourself as often as you can of your motives behind your goal, what is it going to do for you, how will it beneift you, what will your life look like once youve achieved it, what will your life look like once youve even achieved half of it. How will it benefit you and your family and your friends, the wider community etc... If what you are aiming for has purpose then use that to motivate you to be more consistent.
I've given myself some small achievable goals as resolutions. My thinking is if they become a regular habit, doing them is second nature.
1. Make time for self care. (This can be any aspect, I view reading as self care, along with other bits and bobs). My aim was to do this once a week. So far its working
2. Try and switch off more. This I'm struggling with - my job can be stressful and I need to be 'at work' less. Especially when I'm not actually there 😆
3. Be kind once a day. I'm doing really well with this. It can be as simple as 'I like your coat', but tiny gestures can mean a lot.
Self care, managing stress and being kind. I salute you @kindStrings3073. Sounds like your big goal is to work towards being a well rounded, competent and kind individual who wants to contribute. Simply being a better human being is the noblest goal of all :D
@GrahamBarroneICHP
Thanks for your feedback. Any ideas for switching off? It's the one I struggle with sometimes.
Daily meditations @kindStrings3073, challenging your thoughts, remembering that your thoughts are not you, giving yourself a ten minute window to over think to your hearts content. But its really a mixture of all those. Continuing on a psycho educational road trip is a lifetimes journey.
The one thing that i have found totally worked wonders for me is meditation. Focusing on the breath for at least ten minutes a day helped to strengthen my ability to refocus once ive been distracted by intrusive thoughts. This skill bled over in to my everday life too where overthinking, worrying and rumination were big problems.
this is such a cool idea! 
@GrahamBarroneICHP - hello, my name is Avery and it is really nice to meet you. Thank you for taking your time to discuss this topic with us!
Broken New Years resolutions...yes i struggle with that too. My goal is to actually improve my grades and spend less time on my phone. I know that both are huge goals, so my small goals for them would be stopping procrastination and trying to read more, although it seems like i am not stepping forward at all, because i tend to loose my motivation and just go back to old habits. Do you have any tips on that?
Have a lovely day and take care!
Love this @AveryLove. You are very honest.
Phone management or screen control are very real issues. Being a better student is a great goal but to what end? What grades do you want? What is it going to mean to you to get the grades you want? What you going to do with them? Are you wokring towards a career in a particular field? All these questions are good ones to find answers to. Rooting yourself in the future by envisaging what you want will help you to understand how you need to grow. And getting good grades, being a good student, being conscientious, putting your phone away are all mini goals that you can work towards.
If you are at school, college or university there will be systems in place to support your study. Study groups, extra curricular classes, libraries etc... join them....all of them! Talk to people about what you need to do, teachers, lecturers, students, student support. By deepening your engagement you deepen you sense of commitment, even if it is just to show up at the right time for a study group, that time responsibility can be enough to get you somewhere and in a place that easier to study at a time when you arnt feeling very motivated.
Give your phone to someone to sit on, put in a draw or turn off. Leave it in your car (in a safe place out of sight), be creative.
Youve got to get serious and there no escaping that im afraid. Sure, you might slip off the path everynow and then but as soon as you notice youve got to refocus and get back on it.
You can totally do this, engage with support, understand the bigger picture of why you are doing this, and work on the detail of how you are going to do this.
@GrahamBarroneICHP thank you for taking out your time to answer me! i will definitely think about these great suggestions. have a lovely day!
Broken New Year Resolution..wow i dont remember when was the last time I had a new year resolution. Maybe because I never achieved any of it. And I stopped hoping that someday i will face a new life. I cannot even remember what was my last new year relotution. Or i think i have one, to lose weight. lol
Is it somehow wrong to just live with the life you have and just go with the flow? Im tired of pushing my dreams. So many hyndrance that come my way.
Theres totally nothing wrong wiht not making resolutions or creating goals @zofeya
Going with the flow seems like a great way to be doesnt it. After all the path of least resistance seems to be the one of least stress. However going with the flow does somewhat limit your options in life. It maybe enough to float in the river and let it take you wherever you will. Theres something very restful and accepting about that, and those are lessons that are useful to learn. But if you want anything in life then you are reliant the course of the river will take you there. Chances are if you want to lose weight and you're going with the flow that involes eating all the wrong foods and not exercising then the flow isnt working for you anymore.
I guess its a matter of choice at the end of the day. If you want something, like losing weight or to become healthier, you have to get serious about that and understand why it means something to you, what are details of how you achieve it. Its not that you dont lack the ability or skills to achieve what you want to achieve but it may be that you have to strengthen these facets and that can only be done by doing.
You probably are already engaged in routines that help you to get closer to goals and you are not in the flow as much as you think you might be. Cleaning your teeth is a choice. It can also be a chore. WE understand that by not cleaning our teeth they can get cavities which will probably require a trip to the dentist and possibly a bit of discomfort. There is a unconscious goal to maintain our teeth so we dont have these trips to the dentist. You will do what is required to varying degrees to achieve this goal. The same for eating. You have a strong drive to make sure that you dont starve yourself to death. YOu are achieving this goal successfully to varying degrees by eating foods.
So, you are already living a life full of mini goals and routines. You could start by looking at those things you are already doing and improving upon them. For example, you are already eating to prevent yourself from starving, why not tweak that so the goal becomes to eat more healthy foods and cut out processed sugars.
Any way i hope you get my meaning here. I salute anyone who is able to achieve what they want to achieve in life by going with the flow. But for the rest of us its more a case of living deliberately that gets us where we want to go.
Hi Dr Graham Barrone. I'm sorry I wished I can stick to the topic. But something spark up in my mind if you can comment on.
1. Not giving in after so many attempts on trying
Personally I feel very exhausted after trying so fix, find, question why all the feelings and problems that I am struggling.
Many times I gave up, Sometimes, my mind messes up and climbed back again to try, yet failed.
Mentally, I have been very negative and often find myself dwelling and self-blame/self-hurt in a way... All these time and energy wasted. Worse off the finances spent. and I am not even going, improving to anywhere. Day after day, I find myself at the same place.
Been wondering if i should just give in and stop "wasting" on them.
Them - In the context of medical, mental and physical issues. Well there are others too, but will take a long time to explain
2. Spending on money for medical - How much is enough?
Its very disheartening, almost felt like an investment that never sees results.
Been wondering how much is then enough. And if spending "more" should be necessary. or go budget/save.
I understand that every individual has a different timing. So cannot "expect" nor compare with.
Hi @mikenai22
I feel this is a very heartfelt enquriy and I sympathise I really do. It sounds like you have got swallowed up by the ideas of failure. Sometimes we look at success in terms of progress. 'If i am not feeling better or have the things i was expecting by now then surely i have failed'. This kind of logic sounds reasonable and yet can lead to a downward spiral where we either stand still or our quality of life suffers.
So, it is vital to establish clearly defined goals. Fully understand what achiving this big goal will do for you and look at how to break this big goal down in to mini goals. Its the mini goals that will bring you the mini successes and you really do need to feel these mini successes in life to raise your confidence and give you some kind of sense that you are progressing.
Building strength lies in the getting back on your path once you have wondered form it. It is not a failure to stray from your path as long as you become aware that you have wondered from it and can refocus. It might mean that you need to remake your goals, break them donw in to smaller ones and fully understadn the different steps you need to make to achieve them and thats ok. We are constantly recalibrating our goals, why we want to achieve them and how we achieve them.
It might be useful to understand your ideas around failure and what constutues failure to you. Explore this idea as it might be that you have not yet given yoursefl the chance to achieve in a realsitic way. You may also find that you have actually achieved more thatn you had given yoursefl credit for. It is important to write down and take some time working out your big goal and the mini goals to ahcieve them.
@GrahamBarroneICHP
Hi Dr Graham, thank you for replying. If you do not mind me requoting some of your responses.
So, it is vital to establish clearly defined goals. Fully understand what achiving this big goal will do for you and look at how to break this big goal down in to mini goals. Its the mini goals that will bring you the mini successes and you really do need to feel these mini successes in life to raise your confidence and give you some kind of sense that you are progressing.
Wow. you caught me on this.
Many others have recommended and pointed this to me too. Which I often neglected, forgotten and kinda procrastinated. I dont know if it is intentional or accidental. Or i just dont believe them, or perhaps my mind is too overly focused on something else pointless.
Blue - This is something that i have been struggling with. 1. Identifying it. 2. Am I truly in tune or really desiring it? 3. Unnecessary dwelling when I cant identify them
Building strength lies in the getting back on your path once you have wondered form it. It is not a failure to stray from your path as long as you become aware that you have wondered from it and can refocus. It might mean that you need to remake your goals, break them donw in to smaller ones and fully understadn the different steps you need to make to achieve them and thats ok. We are constantly recalibrating our goals, why we want to achieve them and how we achieve them.
Red - Despite having tried them in the past, not only goals. Even minor tasks, day to day activities. Its kinda devasting (pardon my choice of language - its how its felt) to even press for them. Hence usually the mind just gets stuck at the ultimate goal, and fear/worry just overrides everything. Resulting in a constant spiral of dwelling.
Orange - Many and also other times, I tend to keep holding back and waiting for the perfect timing, moment, ideal situation - which many of us know, there aint it. But the stupid perfectionist mindset or some sort just refuses to give in...
Green - This is something i truly hated the most. Its like why... although it is pointless to dwell on the past or question uncontrollable situations. Its like why is then the goal even there, if it going to change later.
It might be useful to understand your ideas around failure and what constutues failure to you. Explore this idea as it might be that you have not yet given yoursefl the chance to achieve in a realsitic way. You may also find that you have actually achieved more thatn you had given yoursefl credit for. It is important to write down and take some time working out your big goal and the mini goals to ahcieve them.
Purple - Not only you, but many others did highlight or point out small situations where i often overlook. I dont know. Perhaps the habitual negativity sided view of mine tends to carpet the positive stuffs. and I tend to only negate myself or devalue myself more than the other side. Its like there are always 2 sides of a coin, but I only look at the negative side. never the other. This often end up in making most of my tasks, wants, whatever being pointless, because I only see the negative side of things and ultimately forgetting the intent and purpose of them.
I get the sense @mikenai22 that you are possibly over thinking this and dwelling on things that have past which are ultimately complicating things. Try a simple goal exercise. Think of a goal for today. Perhaps it could be to tidy and clean the kitchen. Whats the 'Why' behind this. Well it could be because a nice tidy kitchen really feels like a place where you can cook a very cool and healthy meal (it might even inpsire a passion for cooking). Cooking yourself a tasty meal will give you a sense of self satisfaction and accomplishment. Youll feel happy that you can find things more easily. Youll feel less frustrated by the mess. So, they might be the all important 'Whys' that motivate you to clean the kitchen. (by the way i have no idea of the state of your kitchen and am not suggesting that its a mess. Mine is and thats probably why i am using it as an example :D)
So now you have you 'Whys' lets go for the 'Hows' So this is a breakdown of how you can ensure that you achive the goal. You could make sure that you set aside 30 minutes or an hour this evening, you could make sure you get help, you could give yourself 30 minutes to see how much you get done ande return back to it later on or tomorrow. Make sure you take a break. divide the kitchen up into areas that you will tackl. Reward yourself for each bit completed. Make it fun with music!
You can begin to see how the details can bring about the goal. Give it a try for your goals.
@GrahamBarroneICHP
Hi Dr Graham, allow me to break it to parts for easier reply.
I get the sense that you are possibly over thinking this and dwelling on things that have past which are ultimately complicating things. Try a simple goal exercise. Think of a goal for today. Perhaps it could be to tidy and clean the kitchen. Whats the 'Why' behind this.
I am well-known for my over thinking and excessive worrying. And yes, for both past and future (unknown).
Likewise for the simple goal setting, which was recommended to me to try. Did not truly turned out previously. Its like no matter how effort put up to remind about the broken down simple goal. I tend to drift off easily, or worse mentally distracted to something else.
Sometimes even the questioning of "why" dont really makes sense nor justificable. Worse off when it is for some childish or selfish reasons.
Well it could be because a nice tidy kitchen really feels like a place where you can cook a very cool and healthy meal (it might even inpsire a passion for cooking). Cooking yourself a tasty meal will give you a sense of self satisfaction and accomplishment. Youll feel happy that you can find things more easily. Youll feel less frustrated by the mess. So, they might be the all important 'Whys' that motivate you to clean the kitchen. (by the way i have no idea of the state of your kitchen and am not suggesting that its a mess. Mine is and thats probably why i am using it as an example :D)
Talking about food. Well that is another major topic for me to handle. - Eating Disorder, Anorexia, AFRID, Binge/Restrict, Exercise-Bulimia, etc.
Its so sad. Nevertheless I do understand the benefits of cleaning it up. However in this old estate and with my parent's mentality, I doubt I can move much either. I will definitely appreciate a cleaner, mordern'er, simplistic look where I can definitely and willingly want to look forward to preparing meals.
But then, my mind and physicals are just purely sick and unstable. Things just dont make sense anymore.
So now you have you 'Whys' lets go for the 'Hows' So this is a breakdown of how you can ensure that you achive the goal. You could make sure that you set aside 30 minutes or an hour this evening, you could make sure you get help, you could give yourself 30 minutes to see how much you get done ande return back to it later on or tomorrow. Make sure you take a break. divide the kitchen up into areas that you will tackl. Reward yourself for each bit completed. Make it fun with music!
I understand where you are coming from, breaking into smaller divide-able parts for easier management and task load. So it makes the final goal easier to acheive.
But looking at my current state of mind and health. I doubt I can move anywhere,
You can begin to see how the details can bring about the goal. Give it a try for your goals.
Yup I understand. Its just exhausting to push through it.
Rather on the other hand, I been having trouble understanding or even defining my goals. Something that I truly wanted, not because some social media or family members that influenced me. This had been something that i never seem to achieve. Its almost like im trying to find a perfect goal that is perhaps too unrealistic in the real world.
"Its almost like im trying to find a perfect goal that is perhaps too unrealistic in the real world"
You know yourself very well @mikenai22 and perhaps better than you give yourself credit for. We are all looking to improve our lives. Afterall the basic motivation of a person seeking out therapy is because they want to feel better. But better than what and how? Perfection doesnt have to be a part of goal making. Just desiring to improve your day enough so its better than yesterdays is a very good start.
And you can decide what you are willing to do. You may not be willing to fight your preoccupation with perfection to draw up long term goals. But even that is a goal, a conscious understanding that you are making a decision not to draw up detailed goals because it causes you to much discomfort to do so. Perhaps instead you might be willing to make smaller daily goals that help you to practice engaging with your will to achieve your desire. Even tasks such as cleaning your teeth can be appraoched in this goal setting manner.
Goal (desire): To clean my teeth.
The Why (motivation): So i can enjoy fresh breath and healthy teeth. So i can reduce the risk of going to the dentist to have fillings. So, my smiles are full of white teeth.
The How: Make sure my toothbrush and toothpaste are easily accsible on the shelf. After breakfast. Give myself 3 minutes (time it if necesary).
Thats something simply that you do already in your day that you can practice goal setting around that doesnt require to much perfectionism. And a little mindful perfectionism isnt a bad thing when it comes to oral hygiene .
Ok, so be deliberate in what you are willing to do. Know that you are already achieving many daily goals that you can tap in to so you can practice goal setting.
@GrahamBarroneICHP
"Its almost like im trying to find a perfect goal that is perhaps too unrealistic in the real world"
You know yourself very well and perhaps better than you give yourself credit for. We are all looking to improve our lives. Afterall the basic motivation of a person seeking out therapy is because they want to feel better. But better than what and how? Perfection doesnt have to be a part of goal making. Just desiring to improve your day enough so its better than yesterdays is a very good start.
Red - Guess what? This questioning, actually popped up in my head multiple times. The most funny thing is that I end up ruminating on this - So what even if i gotten/reached the perfect stage? If somehow I conclude/found the perfect goal.
Sometimes there are so many thoughts, until I just basically crash myself. Not doing any single thing, drained myself totally. What's worse is that this perfectionist mentality is an ideology that is self-created, which may not be a perfect situation that others perceived.
Hence what is my stance on it is also unclear.
And you can decide what you are willing to do. You may not be willing to fight your preoccupation with perfection to draw up long term goals. But even that is a goal, a conscious understanding that you are making a decision not to draw up detailed goals because it causes you to much discomfort to do so. Perhaps instead you might be willing to make smaller daily goals that help you to practice engaging with your will to achieve your desire. Even tasks such as cleaning your teeth can be appraoched in this goal setting manner.
I have been dealing with one major problem - Decision Making
Its almost like I have to be clear to the smallest of things and details. That every aspects of mine have to be scrutinised. It kind of engulfes my entire moments and life.
To fight or being able to "catch" myself when i preoccupy myself with dwelling or drawing up thoughts - Aint easy, plus hours could have already past. Moreover the overthinking usually aren't important or are endless loop of unacceptance.
Well, about goals, if your suggestion is to the level that I should picture/try using small little tasks i.e. brushing teeth as goals. Maybe i should give it a go. Perhaps i might be jumping too far ahead.
Goal (desire): To clean my teeth.
The Why (motivation): So i can enjoy fresh breath and healthy teeth. So i can reduce the risk of going to the dentist to have fillings. So, my smiles are full of white teeth.
The How: Make sure my toothbrush and toothpaste are easily accsible on the shelf. After breakfast. Give myself 3 minutes (time it if necesary).
Thats something simply that you do already in your day that you can practice goal setting around that doesnt require to much perfectionism. And a little mindful perfectionism isnt a bad thing when it comes to oral hygiene .
At the current situation of mine, I find it difficult to justify right, wrong, what's correct, what's wrong. Its like everyone has a different perspective. Even me myself, I dont have an answer anymore. I dont even know who I am trying to live up to and for. - I know (this stage) professionals will start being triggered and recommend me to see psychs/therapist or ER for therapy/counseling/treatment
Its almost as if I lost connectivity to myself.
Ok, so be deliberate in what you are willing to do. Know that you are already achieving many daily goals that you can tap in to so you can practice goal setting.
Hmm, I find it difficult to see it plus the inability to remember that. And the skill to actually calm down and see through that actually I am doing stuffs. Little yet often misjudged.
Without going into your personal history or details @mikenai22 its hard to make this work for you in a generic kind of way and this AMA isnt the place for that.
The AMA ends today but as a leaving comment i would suggest that you treat this as a game. Perhaps even pretend that you are responsible for someone that you have to make up a goal plan for. Remove yourself from this porcess as much as possible and just pretend.
I would also suggest that in your day to day life you do a few things deliberately without questioning why you are doing them. For example walk for ten minutes or five minutes. Or write down your thoughts without thinking about them in any order on a piece of paper for exactly five minutes. Or make yourself hug someone close to you or pay some one a compliment.
Im sure you have it in you to reduce these over analytical thoughts and simply do. Its just a case of readdressing the balance.
@GrahamBarroneICHP
Without going into your personal history or details its hard to make this work for you in a generic kind of way and this AMA isnt the place for that.
Hi Dr Graham, it is ok I understand. I am thankful for your advises that you have shared with me.
The AMA ends today but as a leaving comment i would suggest that you treat this as a game. Perhaps even pretend that you are responsible for someone that you have to make up a goal plan for. Remove yourself from this porcess as much as possible and just pretend.
Never thought of it. Maybe I will give it a try.
I would also suggest that in your day to day life you do a few things deliberately without questioning why you are doing them. For example walk for ten minutes or five minutes. Or write down your thoughts without thinking about them in any order on a piece of paper for exactly five minutes. Or make yourself hug someone close to you or pay some one a compliment.
Interesting. Especially on the random thoughts and deliberate actions without questioning part. Let me see... if i can somehow "force" myself to do it.
Im sure you have it in you to reduce these over analytical thoughts and simply do. Its just a case of readdressing the balance.
Although I dont really have any courage/confidence in myself anymore. Thank you for looking up on me.
hello! i've dealt with an eating disorder for a few years now, and i've finally started getting it under control, but my new year's resolution was to be less food-focused, and to help practice seeing food as something to fuel myself rather than something that has power over me. this is hard to do though! any advice?
Ooh a good question @alittlewanderer and wonderfully specific.
I guess what is central to this concern is fear. Fear that what you have overcome will return. For your therapeutic changes to take place you had to work bloody hard i bet. And so sometimes all it takes it to keep the faith that what we have done and what we are doing has proved to work and by continuing to do it we will continue to be succesful. This can take some trust especially if you are new to the positive changes. Congratulating yourself daily will help, understanding how far you have come and how strong you now are will maintain your power over the power that you fear. Daily celbrations, appreciations, awarenesses that you are now the one that is in control and you hold the power, that this is now your new normal will reduce the power in the thing that you fear. It will over time become weaker and weaker until it is just a thing that you used to believe.
Daily big ups, internal high fives and progress appreciation will keep your growin gin strength. And so will keeping the cahnnels of communication open. Always talk to your support network about whats going on for you, dont isolate yourself and see your future clearly.
My small goals are or were:
- feel comfortable with myself, allow myself to be myself.
- try to be more social and express myself
- gain more self confidence.
I feel l am a fraud at my new job. I always had problems with social skills and now it's me who has to treat with people... i need to work. the self confidence one, is not working. and well, another thing i can tell here. it's not the place.
And deal with people, about anything makes me feel insecure. I've been told it can be more of a perception of mine. but it's hard to escape from this thought.
@Hope
Hi @wakinglight
These are very worthy and humble goals. I get a sense of what you mean by them but lets add a bit more detail to them so they are less of an idea and more of a clear achievable goal.
- feel comfortable with myself, allow myself to be myself: What is it to be comfortable for you and what is it to be you? Are you wanting to be care free, relaxed and interested or focused, determined and involved? Get a good picture of what it is you want to call yourself. And once you have that image look at where you are now, who you are now. What are the things you need to improve upon. What mini goals do you need to put in place to get you to the bigger goal. Do you need to take relaxation classes, meditate daily, join a yoga class?
- try to be more social and express myself: I guess expressing yourself ties in with your goal above about allowing yourself to be yourself. What is it you want to express, how do you want to express it. Are you refering to a creative side that can be engaged with via art classes, or buying a pottery wheel? Or are they more about being assertive, making sure you are heard and not walked over? And of course the social aspect of this goal can tie in nicely with achieving your self expression by joining classes, clubs and groups. More detail is needed here too... what are the clubs you would like to join that would suport your goals. Do you need to do something to strengthen your confidence before you can walk through the door of a club and meet new people. All these things need to be considered. The more detail around why you want this and how you can achieve this the more you will flesh out a workable plan.
- gain more self confidence: This is something that kind of develops alongside your other interests. The more competent you get at a thing the more your confidence in that arena grows as wwell as spilling over in to other areas of your life. So with that in mind its totally worth understanding what youre interested in, what you want to develop, why and what it would eman to you and how you can go about achieving it.
Hope that all made sense :D
@GrahamBarronelCHP
My goal is to be in bed by 9:00. I have lots of things I want to accomplish this year, but none of them will hapoen if I am not getting enough rest. I have made improvements in my bedtime, but I'm not quite there yet, and not consistent. I'm thinking I need to set some other time goals as well, for "along the way." I have already started leaving work earlier (less late) most days, so I have sufficient down time at home before I need to go to bed. I have a reminder on my phone, but I'm not acting on the reminder.
This is great @Gardenyarn. Sounds like you are doing a superb job. Your goals are a living and breathing thing and you have to be adaptable in how you achieve them. You can certainly use the knowledge that it wil be harder to achieve the things you want to achieve this year if you dont get enough consistant rest. And you can also flip that to imagining all the good stuff you will achieve this year once you get your rest sorted out.
Bedtime rituals are very important. I think its called sleep hygiene these days of which there are plenty of very cool things written about online. Dang! in fact i think i have even written a blog on it ha!
@GrahamBarroneICHP
Yes, I think a bedtime ritual would probably help. I struggle with any kind of routine, so I'm always looking for strategies to form habits. I spoke with my Mom today about my bedtime goal, and she said I have hated going to sleep since the day I got home from the hospital. So, definitley a work in progress here. Trouble going to sleep, and trouble getting up. Maybe I just have trouble with transitions.
Well, i think you have nailed on the head what it is to be a human being in that one simple sentance @Gardenyarn. "I think i just have trouble with transitions."
Life is full of transitioning, some we are aware of and some we are painfully aware of, mostly they flow by unnoticed. If you can make a practice of noticing those natural transitions that go on all around you, within you and in others without freaking out you will be 99%* living at your most content. And if you can be deliberate about how you transition through life achieving the goals that are important to you then you will have ninja competency levels that will allow you to play life at the highest realm. Both of these things will not be trouble free but they will be worth the trouble.
Here is that link on Sleep hygiene. I thought i had written the blog for 7 Cups but it turns out i hadnt. You can find it here:
https://www.whatmakesithappen.com/post/sleepingwithanxiety
* I think we have to allow at least 1% to mystery.
@GrahamBarroneICHP
Can I have a link to that blog?
@Hope
So I've had a new year's resolution for years now to take my French learning seriously and finally become fluent in it. I have all the resources to do it and I usually stick with it for the first 3 months of the year but then I fall flat and then I pick it up again sometime during mid-year or towards the end of the year. Do you have any tips for how I can stay consistent with it?
Theres nothing wrong with having a long term goal like this @LexIris and become fluent in anythign takes time, consistency and effort. Have you broken your goal down in to mini goals? You might want to break your year down in to mini French goals. They could perhaps be to go to France, Canada or any other French speaking country. Find a French friend online and have regular chats. Teach French to a friend. have a French speaking day. Get other people involved too. Its harder to achieve things by yourself like this and besides French is communication best enjoyed with others. Read French books, watch French movies. Get creative and immersive in whatever subject you want to become competant in and mark off those mini goals as you establish those routines.
@GrahamBarroneICHP
I'll try those out. Thanks for the helpful tips :D
