Am I dealing with a manipulative, narcissistic mother? ?
Hi I'm 21 years old. I'm a college student but I stay with my parents since they always wanted me to never leave our home. Anyways things seem to be rocky lately especially with my mother. She's always trying to control me in every aspect of my life. From what I want to wear to who I want to be friends with . She doesn't appreciate my choices. She's always looking for a chance to criticise me. My dad travels a lot so thank God he doesn't have to put uo with her 24/7.
A couple of weeks ago we had a big fallout, I announced to her that I was going to get a job, rent an appointment and try to live an independent life as a normal adult. When she heard that she burst out crying yelling and acting irrational . She accused me of abandoning her like her father did when she was young( her father died of lung cancer when she was only 9 leaving her behind with a crippled mother and an autistic older brother) after we had our argument she popped a couple of sedatives and locked herself in her room. I spent that whole day knocking on her door and she wouldn't answer. Needless to say I was petrified. I told her that if she wouldn't open the door to the count of three I was going to call the cops. Then I heard the key turning and she showed up at the door looking like a total mess.
A few days ago I went to Philadelphia (we live in New York by the way) to visit a friend. She called me at around 2 am waking me up and she started yelling on the phone that she had severe rectal bleeding. Once again I was terrified. I told her to call paramedics immediately but she deflected and started to cry hysterically and blamed me for her bleeding! She said it was me leaving her and being a bad daughter that caused the bleeding as well as "a wide variety of other deadly symptoms", these were her exact words.
I'm so fed up with this. When I try to talk to my dad about it he seems to ignore me. They have basically separated. A couple of months ago I found out my dad has an affair with a woman in another state but I kept it a secret. My mom is so demanding. S She is smothering me. I feel like i have no life to live anymore. However i can't leave her! She's my mother! I'd feel super guilty if anything happened to her because of me. I understand she's had a problematic childhood but it's not my fault. I'm getting panic attacks almost every day because of this messed up situation! Is there anything I can do?
@Eaglebearer99
You moving out on your own and living your own life does not mean you are abandoning your mother. It means you are an adult that wants to live life and have experiences. Your mom is struggling and so she's manipulating you and guilting you into staying with her because she has some issues she hasn't dealt with. She sounds like she could use some counseling, and perhaps the both of you together for some sessions.
Her problems are not your problems, and you can't take them on. Just as I have problems, and I know I feel better when my son is around, I cannot force him to be around and make me feel better. That's not his job. His job is to grow up, become and adult and have his own life experiences. And my job as a parent is to take care of myself so that I can enjoy my own life, as well as celebrate his.
Do you have any other family members you can discuss this with?
@thoughtfulmomma
@thoughtfulmomma I agree. You truly!
@adventurousBranch3786 sorry typing problems
@Eaglebearer99 take a year off from school and put all of your energy and resources into making a break to get as far away from her as you can. No conversations with her, just find a freind to hookup with that you trust will not go behind your back. Your mom is poison. She has sucked your life and if it continues, all your efforts in school wont even matter.
After some careful planning, (and i mean top secret change all your passwords careful), go and change your number. This will work to help you think for yourself clearly, and in a year or two if you want to say hello to her, she will have gotten the message she was smothering you and hopefully gotten the help she needs.
You have just one life, its yours (not hets)
Go figure it out and live it. Demand respect if you ever decide to talk with her again.
I know how heartbreaking it is to have disfunctional parents. The nature of their addiction is manipulation.
Nobody knows you better than your parents, they use their knowledge of you to push and pull you like a string puppet. They use your kindness, your emotions, and every other aspect of how well they know you; to manipulate you.
When you help, (although you have good intentions) you only enable them to continue to focus on the games they play with you (in the worst ways).
They need to be allowed to find their personal bottom before they can come to the conclusions needed to look inside themselves, find enough self retrospection to be honest, and begine the climb back up.
Your help only prevents them from realizing the true bottom.
Ive mourned the loss of one of my parents even though still alive because i had to!
I noticed from a far distance that my parent is slowly realizing nobody is left to manipulate, then they manipulate themselve until the day they figure out themselves and their own bs (even they cannot believe) Once they can see their attempts to fool everybody, left them as the fool - only then can they admit their problem, and seek professional help.
You must cut all ties, or it can never happen
Only they can fix themselves
And only after they find their personal bottom
Then admit
Then genuinely seek help professional help
Leave them alone to find this, or they never ever will
@Eaglebearer99
@Eaglebearer99
This is SO unhealthy and malnipulative. Looks like borderline is involved, but I'm not a professional.
One thing is sure. You should be free to live your own life like everybody else. Your mother's life does not depend on you. That is extremely wrong and her behavior shows that she is comply oblivious of what the real situation is, like reality, real world, real state of the things, common sense, l cause-consequences, responsibilities, boundaries, who should take care of who, how healthy relationships work... it's all messed up here. She has some severe mental health issues, I tell you
@GhostlyLilian
Also, no wonder you feel like you have no life, because it's true. She is taking away control on your life to try and control her fear of abandonment. But that's not how relationships work. She can't take away someone else's life because it looks easier than dealing with her problems and learn to be enough to herself. You just have one life girl, and she's demanding you sacrifice it to make her feel a little better. She lives her life and yours and you have nothing to live. Doesn't seem fair to me. Plus, believe me, your sacrifice won't make your mother feel good. She's living in her own hell anyway and it's NOT your fault, as you righteously said. And her father didn't abandon her, he died. It can feel like abandonment, but it's different, and if she didn't understand this basic yet, it means she has a whole lot of unprocessed stuff to work on. In fact, she has no idea how crazy her thought process sounds. She has no idea how much her blaming and her demands make absolutely no sense and, along with the tragedy parades she plays, she definitely puts too much strain on people who care for her. It's downright traumatizing to see your mother in those conditions and be blamed for it, believe me I know.