Knowing that i was source of stress for my mother during my childhood
So, i have been disabled my whole life. I was born disabled (it is physical disability, not mental disability).
Just recently my mother was diagnosed with high blood pressure (on top of diabetes type 2 which she had for more than 10 years now). She is 70 years old.
Doctor told her that she got high blood pressure due to stress.
Thereafter a woman who she trusts told her that it could be old stress buildup, from when she was younger.
Thereafter, she told me about the above and told me that it was stressfull and burdensome to her caring for me when i was kid. Because of my disability and disobedience (which made the needed therapies harder to perform).
I now wish just some suggestions on how to cope with these feelings that i have been burden and source of stress for my mother and that i have been reason for her high blood pressure.
I feel that i am, at least partially, responsible for her ill health. Women have life expectancy of 84 years in my country and my mother already has many severe diseases which can lead to premature death (diabetes type 2, high blood pressure, increased cholesterol, heart failure... I feel so responsible for it.
My father is 77 and also he has many diseases (high blood pressure, prediabetes, high cholesterol, angina pectoris, he survived 2 cancers, etc., but he is nearing the life expectancy for men (79 years) already and so, his death wouldn't be as premature as for my mother.
My father is blaming me for my disobedience during childhood which caused them hardships they had which caused them stress when i was child. I have got 6 years older brother for whom they both say that he was much more obedient than me and that it was very easy to upbring him compared to me.
I am struggling with coping with knowing that i am in part cause for their issues.
@CheerySandi
If it is any consolation we all were causes of stress for our parents .... maybe some more then others but i think you should give yourself sa bit of a break.
i am sure you were also a source of joy as well.
It can be hard as parents age and their mortality becomes a bit clearer it is easy to second guess how hard it was for them but you are not responsible.
@toughTiger6481
yes, i was also source of joy as well.
Thanks for support.
@CheerySandi
That's not something we invented it is called parenthood :-)
No Worries!!~
Blessings, Day
@juliak1968
What is parenthood about? Instilling feeling of guilt into their adult sons and daughters?
@CheerySandi
Its a shoot from the hip hoping to do a great job because looking into our childs eyes should be a source of pride and responsibility. Its hard to explain that when you child needs something , you can find a way to full fill that need.
Blessings, Day
@CheerySandi. Actually many of these diseases that you mentioned are affected by lifestyle choices such as diet and exercise.
@adventurousBranch3786
Both my mother and my father were physically active their whole life. My father had physically challenging physical work as room painter and car painter, my mother had very challenging work as dressmaker and they both built our house and vineyard cottage, they have had (and still have) 2 gardens, vineyard, orchard - a lot of physically challenging physical work. Now, when they are old, they also walk 30-60 minutes per day. And it seem that it is not enough...
My father used to smoke when he was younger (from when he was 20 to when he was 57). and also my mother was smoking some cigarettes per day. I am not sure whether smoking in the past can still have negative effect on health 20 years after quitting smoking.
My mother was overweight till she was 60 and diagnosed with diabetes type 2 and she lost weight afterwards.
Regarding stress: my parents strress about things neither they, nor i can influence: my lower salary than salary i would get if i lived and worked in Germany, my belly (i am not overweight, healthy body mass index and waist size, but a bit weird belly), the fact that my work behind computer makes me feel tired and nervous (they were always thinking that office work is very easy and relaxing), how disobedient i was as child, etc. When i kindly ask them not to stress about the above mentioned things, they don't listen to me and continue to stress about above mentioned things.
@CheerySandi. I saw an article in family and caregivers. I will try to post the link. It had some interesting ideas.
@CheerySandi. What do you think about the suggestions in this article? Do any seem helpful?
@adventurousBranch3786
Thanks for the article. The suggestions are great but i did almost everything till now apart of increasing my tolerance to the difficult conversations.
I already decided what a successfull relationships would look like to me but my imagination is very unrealistic and can't be acheived neither in very great relationships as there are always conflicts, regardless of whether you are in healthy or unhealthy relationships. I thus changed my imagination of what successfull relationship would look like to be in relationship where conflicts are solved, not blamed on others and there is no yelling (some raising of voice from time to time allowed).
What can i control regarding my parents? Nothing. I can only distance myself a bit from them. But also risking that they will start to get upset with me because i am ignoring them.
I will increase my tolerance for difficult conversations, always having in mind that they take the conflicts too personally and that it isn't my fault (or is my fault in much lesser degree than i think as both parties are responsible for healthy relationship and we all are imperfect - no one is perfect and everyone can do mistakes).
@CheerySandi. Sometimes my partner is in a bad mood and blames me for things. I like to remember that just because someone blames me for something that does not make it true!
@adventurousBranch3786
Thank you for your suggestions. You helped me very much.
The issue is that my father gets upset with everything i like (constantly, all the time, regardless of day) and it is very annoying that i can't please him in any way. I better to steer away from him and don't share with him what i like.
@adventurousBranch3786. I hear you. I know what subjects will put my partner in a bad mood . So I try to stay away from them unless absolutely necessary. I find it more peaceful.
@adventurousBranch3786
My parents stress about my belly (even though my body mass index is in healthy range and my waist size is in healthy range) because they are afraid that i will get diabetes type 2. They stress it (that i have to be careful to not to get diabetes type 2) every time i am with them.
At the same time, they get upset with all my exercises i am doing (which i am doing in order to stay healthy). If they see me sweating, they think that i am exagerrating and when i explained them about sweating (that it is healthy) it was just like i was talking to a wall). When i suffered injury due to my exercising, they got upset with me due to my exercising and asked me to stop. They told me that they never did such exercises and stayed healthy till they were 60.
I can't cut ties with my parents because they get upset over it and tell me that it is very rude to them.
You are categorically not the cause of your mother's ill health or anybody else's ill health for that matter.
Please take that burden off your shoulders. How can a child be held responsible for their parents health needs? That is impossible as you had no choice in your own health. I have found that as parents age, sometimes their perception begins to distort a bit. This is more to do with their own issues and nothing to do with you. They are putting their own worries, stresses, etc onto your shoulders because they don't know how else to make sense of their present existance. That is not excusing their behaviour, but it is easier to blame anyone else than face up to reality.
By the sounds of things, you have had your own personal struggles to deal with and more than enough to cope with by yourself. Our mortality is within no one's control. Live in the present and the future will take care of itself. If you wish to support your parents then do so....but above all protect yourself from their comments which are more based in frustration than reality.
Logically and i am sure you will agree, every child is born innocent and a blank canvas. Therefore how could any innocent child be responsible for a parent's high blood pressure many, many years later.
It is not your guilt to carry. You have done nothing wrong. And you are soooo very worthy of all the gentle hugs and love that i am sending your way xxx