Anger issues with family
I've got anger issues. I am unable to control my anger and end up hurting people with my angry words, most of the times my parents and my husband. I feel like a monster after that. I am unable to make them understand why am I angry. I feel like my anger is justified in the moment, but my actions bring out the ugliest side of me. I shout, throw things, hit others, cry, try to hurt myself and just say really mean things to my famil and feel angrier when they try to reason. Some of my issues are related to my parents giving priority to others (relatives and friends) over me and my needs, but they say I am an adult now and I need to stop being so needy and selfish. I don't know if I am selfish I just feel the need to connect and want someone to understand what I go through. I feel lonely and abandoned at times. I have a good job and earn well. I contribute equally financially towards rent and other expenses of my home and I am not dependent on my husband or his family for anything. I just feel that they don't appreciate me enough, rather they make me feel inferior for being a woman. I feel less than my husband, despite being from the same college and earning more than him. I feel insecure because of this. I feel like nobody appreciates me. My husband supports me in everything, he even speaks to his parents for me, but I feel that it's insufficient because of their behaviour towards me. They expect me to cook, not go out a lot, observe their traditions, and wear the clothes they want me to wear. None of these things are expected from my husband. My insecurity from this flares up at the smallest things and I just erupt like a volcano with all the past incidents. I don't know how to deal with my insecurities and control my anger. I don't want to ruin my relationship with my parents and husband.
@bravrface345
Hey there,
While reading your post, I was really surprised at how much of my former self I read in your words! If you don't mind, I'd like to share some things that I learned that helped me turn things around.
Someone wise once pointed out to me that anger is an emotion that covers other emotions like a hard outer shell. Anger can sometimes be easier the handle because it burns off more quickly than other emotions. For myself, I realized that I was using anger to cover: sadness, fears, insecurities, loneliness and frustration.
Once I became aware of using anger in this way, I started making myself pay attention when I started feeling or behaving in an angry way. When the 'warning signs' appeared, I had to stop, take a pause and really ask 'what has me so upset?" and identify the true emotion. It actually did help to sort out what I was feeling, instead of lumping it all together as anger.
From other things that you mentioned above, it sounds like you are seeking connections that help validate how you feel, your experiences, and to feel appreciated for being you. I hope that you find that here in this community! I hope that with conversations, like this one, you feel connected and supported. I hope something that I've shared helps.
I look forward to talking with you again!
~ Sher CML/F&C
Thank you Sher for sharing your experience. I am going to try this so that I can be mindful of my behaviour in the future.
Aww. 🥺 Sorry you're going though this! Maybe these'll help?:
1. When you really need to let out anger, a trick I use every now and then excuse yourself and go to a room where you can wack a couch or something with something like a baseball bat. After you calm down a bit, writing out all your venting is very helpful. 💕
2. Remember your worth, and the fact that it is not based on what they think of you. You will never be perfect, and that's ok. I learned that the hard way over the course of 7ish years. Maybe try to make it clear to them, respectfully, that you do not want to or plan on fulfilling thier expectations of you. You are amazing!! ✨
3. Work on not sweating -- or sweating less -- the small stuff, at least not to the point where nothing gets anywhere. Tell yourself "hey, it's ok. It's ok. I just have to relax a bit. Then I can actually deal with the problem".
Consider that your beliefs and what you want for yourself might be more important than what they want of you, so if they love you, they should respect your decisions.
Maybe counseling could help?
I hope these help! I'll pray for you girl, and I wish you the best.
I think identifying all the emotions and thoughts behind your anger is a great start. I know someone who has had anger issues for a long time and the best thing for them sometimes is just to walk away. As a bystander it was very difficult to understand, but after they explained to me that they needed time to recollect themselves before they could talk again (which would make things worse) I started to give them more space. I hope that you can have an honest conversation with your family. Try to tell them that you realise your anger issues and you are trying to resolve it, but they need to be patient with you and work with you to do so. In time, you will find ways to manage your anger and identity what triggered you and communicate it in a better way.
