Mental/verbal abuse from parents
Dear reader, I am here to write something about my personal life, and maybe just find some people with similar problems. Exucuse my english sometimes, it is not my first language.
As to begin, I am a 25yo adult (f), and trying to find a way to live my own life. My parents seem to be perfect from the outside, respected in the community and they kinda gained some superior mindset during my teenage years. I was never a problem-child, always had good grades and i am now waiting to go on a traineeship in another country.
My problem is, that my parents wont leave me make my own decisions. When I try to explain that i want to do something that i think is good and will make me happy, they start with the verbal abuse. Name calling, guilt tripping etc is something i am living with on daily basis. As an example, I tried to say today that i want to do something i think will be best for me, because i am just finishing uni. They response was that i will be a shame for the whole family if i dont do something bigger (for example, do something in politics), only because other people will think less of our family, make fun of us etc (they wont, i know).
The verbal abuse started as i was a teen, but only now i see what an impact it had on me. As i tried to be a better person, the worse it was. A normal conversation never existed.
The peaking point was in February this year, when i told my mom I had a boyfriend. At first, she was okay with it, because he is the best guy ever, has a great job, was at uni etc. She simply said i shoulndt tell dad until i finish uni. I was fine with it. I came home from uni for 10 days and then the hell of life started. My mom looked my bf up on FB, saw that he wasnt "good enough" because he was "ugly", his parents are "peasnts" do bakery jobs and do some low payed jobs and that i will be a shame for the fam if someone finds out i am with him. She didnt even met him in person. What happend next is that my mom told my dad behind my back horrible things about my bf that are not true, and made a verbal abuse fullfiled 10 days of my uni break. On the 10th day, as i was sitting in the bus to go back to uni, i felt like i left a kiddnaper who abused me.
Since then, the only thing i feel is depression and saddness. I feel like i cant live my life, do what i want, love who i want, and constantly feel like i owe them. They guilt tripped me into thinking i am responsible for their mental health, for the family reputation etc. My mom said "whatever you do in life, the first thing you are going to think about is our reputation and if your parents are happy, other things come next" aka everything they want me to do, i need to do.
I feel hopless and feel like im in the middle between parents and having my own life. I feel like i just cant have my own decisions, do what i like and want. I am capable and have finished uni, but their abuse wont end and I feel like its never going to. Im just scared, that it wont end well for me and that i will live a miserable life because in the back of my head i feel guilty if i dont do as they tell me.
I hope someone will find this and see that they are not alone or someone who will relate to me and say some kind words.
Hope to hear from you,
Lots of love
@pinkScarf2624 Hii Scarf I am 18 and I can relate to you my parents are exactly like your parents and they're very strict too I know we want to do things which make us happy but there is also this feeling that if we rebel against them we would feel guilty and there is also this feeling that we are doing something very wrong because in the end they are our family and we cannot forget the times when they were proud of us so going against them is something kids like us need to think a lot about....They will try to guilt trip and verbally abuse you until you listen to them and do what they exactly want ....You can either make them happy by doing what they say or just do what makes you happy and be mentally peaceful...but I think you are old enough to make decisions for yourself....I am so sorry for the way your parents reacted to your boyfriend they shouldn't look down on anyone like that!!!
Hi, I feel the same way. I am 20 years old currently living with mine. And believe me when I say it, I always find it hard to breathe in peace whenever I spend a minute at my home especially how hard it is to wake up every morning by their constant narcissistic words. I have a laptop and do some searching on it and whenever I'm not home, my mum would open it and look into my history to see what I've been up to which whether she's my mother or not, it's not right of her at all to break her daughters boundaries and privacy like that especially when being an adult. She even once opened and read an email in my inbox about applying for therapy and confronted me angrily on what on earth am I applying it for. I told her nothing, because its not a place for her nose to stick in, its something important to look after my health with.
I have a boyfriend as well but they're forcing me to cut him off even as friends due to family and friends circumstances especially for the sake of their reputation and will give me threats on what they'll do to him, like send him a threatening message online if I don't do what they say. So me and him are still currently seeing each other in secret.
I was always being told to stand up to them because I never was in the wrong and I owed nothing to them, but like what you have, I have guilt. I do have the chance to move out and live with my boyfriends but I never had the courage, thinking that if I left, I will be a bad person for it, that I'm the one hurting my parents and making them ill and depressed. My dad even kept telling me my mum couldn't get any sleep and kept getting sicker because of being with my boyfriend. He even told me that as a daughter I have let him down for choosing someone he dislikes.
So I don't know what to decide either honestly :(
@pinkscarf2624 I want to give you a hug. My heart is breaking for you. What you’re going through is unforgivable. Your parents have conditioned you for many years to feel the guilt and all the other emotions you shouldn’t or don’t need to feel. They’re abusing you and not treating you like someone they love or care about. They don’t deserve you. You don’t owe them anything. Do what makes you happy and remove them from your life. Just because they’re family doesn’t mean you have to keep the relationship. They’re toxic and horrible for your well being. I know what you’re experiencing is prevalent in some countries. But it doesn’t mean it’s ok or should be acceptable. Break the cycle. For you and for your future children.
Are you able to move out?
@pinkScarf2624 I can relate to your situation to some extent, my family especially my mom and my brother believe that they have the right to make a decision in my life. This is the main reason why I also wanted to go study in a different country but of course, they had to be the ones deciding all of it. The guilt trip, the family drama, no support, and so many expectations, I've been through all of it.
After fighting for so long, I can't do it anymore, and I am truly waiting for the day I officially get independent. The day that happens, I'll start working towards my dream of moving abroad and I am not listening to anybody. So just try to wait for your traineeship (praying that you get it as soon as possible). It will get better, and you will find a way out.
Hi @pinkScarf2624, it sounds like you are in a frustrating situation and I’m sorry you are going through that.
I just have a couple of thoughts, experiences, and resources I would like to share with you.
First, since you currently live with them, I recommend that you try the Grey Rock Method[https://www.blunt-therapy.com/how-to-gray-rock-method-a-narcissist/]Basically, you give short answers, don’t tell them much about your life, and give boring answers.
I would also look into finding new living arrangements[don’t tell your parents, they could escalate it and kick you out] and a stable job.
Not sure what country or area you live in, but if you’re having issues with housing, there’s always government assistant programs, and since you are a university student, there’s cheap apartments for student living or even dormitories.
Furthermore, know that what your parents are doing is considered domestic abuse.
If you need to talk to someone who’s an expert in that particular field, I recommend calling, texting, or even sending an instant message on their website. Here’s how to contact them: https://www.thehotline.org/
They can even find resources in the area [though…if you do live outside the country this website is in, thry might be able to redirect you to the right place].
Lastly…I have personal experience with this.
Both of my parents were verbally abusive, and my mother was also physically abusive and committed SA towards me…
I also had an alcoholic ex of 3 years whom I have a son with, that was verbally, physically, and financially abusive towards me.
I left my parents house at 18 y.o, I did couch surf and struggle a lot in between, but I’m doing better.
I left my ex about 6-7 months ago, and I feel better too. There was a domino effect of losing my job, getting evicted, and having my car repossessed as a result of him…Now, I’m getting my own place [again] soon, I have a reliable car, and a stable job, but I’m going to move on to a different job, that I’ll enjoy more.
Keep your head up, you don’t deserve to be treated the way your parents have treated you.
Make sure you get your place soon, set boundaries for them, and don’t allow them to talk to you like that.
I’m older now, if my parents decide to call me, and want to be rude, I shut them down now, I don’t have time for childish insults and games.
Please take care, and if you feel like it, keep us updated!
Hello pinkScarf2624
I'm in my early 30's female and I can relate to this. My mother has a very traditional mindset, and when she speaks it has the feeling that she's gas lighting or she does backhanded comments.
My advice is do what's best for you and don't let other people tell you otherwise. I don't know if you have other family members that might try to bully you into going with your parents mindset, DON'T listen to them. They don't know your thoughts and what type of pain your in.
For example in my family, I have two siblings, an older sister and a younger brother. My brother is the buffer that keeps me sane when he's here, but my sister is always telling me to spend time with my mother, who causes me to go into bouts of depression and anxiety. My sister is very strong-headed and always speaks her mind so she thinks I can do the same. "Just tell her(my mother) off." or she'll try to guilt trip with "You should be grateful that they're still alive and spend time with them". Once again DON'T let words like that force you into behaving in the way they want you to
Hi pinkscarf ,
I am so sorry for what you are going through and completely relate to you in many ways.
I am 23 years old and I have a younger sister who's 19. A year ago my mom was diagnosed with TB and her treatment is still going on. I don't know if her behaviour is because of this illness but she's been very bad to us and the bad thing is my dad despite of knowing what's happening to us ,takes her side.
I graduated in 2019. Started preparing for my job I've been eyeing for . As it has a recruitment process, all of this is dealed in regional language (in India) . Me being an English medium student throughout my graduation, it was difficult for me to get hands on it . I still persisted and then the pandemic came and no recruitments were held at all . Now that they are held again and I am preparing for it , she lets me down every time by taunting me that I would have gotten the job if I studied well.
She always taunts me for being unemployed.
I wanted to presue masters but she didn't let me do that because she wanted me to get a job first. I agreed to that and thought I would do my master along with my job.
Everyday I get taunted and verbally abused.
During her illness I sacrificed my whole year just to look after the her and the household. But she taunts me for being at home and doing chores. She doesn't like anything I do . Makes me feel guilty of choosing myself, for studying the way I want . She cut off all of my friends, she despises my friends alot. I can't go out to meet them . I can't talk to them over calls and what not.
She often tells us that she shouldn't have birthed us and that we're going to kill her by harrassing her.
To all the people out there suffering,
I do feel for you and pray for you that all this ends as soon as possible ❤️
