My relationship with my Mom. Not sure what to do.
Okay, this has some TW and is slightly sexually explicit, so please tread carefully.
Recently, I’ve come to think my mom is manipulating me. My entire teenage life and maybe before it. Ever since I was 11, I’ve been told that I don’t need friends because they will just cause problems, I would have a hard time finding real friends, they take time, etc. Around 12 I found my first actual friend. My mama was fine with it. Me and my friend had a falling out about 2 years later and I was so hurt. Mama told me that the reason she saw it coming and the reason she didn’t tell me to end the friendship was because it would have made me cling to the friendship harder. That was my last friend and it’s been over 3 years since. I am not able to go anywhere other than the grocery store and one other place every 6 or so months ( I
‘i'll explain more later, but I’m homeschooled, so public school isn’t an option)
I feel like my mama is manipulating me because of the next few events. Every once in a blue moon, I go over to this family’s house that has a bunch of kids my age. I wish I could go more often because other than going to the grocery store, it’s literally the only time I get to spend around people. After I spend a few hours there, by the time I’m told to go get in the car, I’ve just had what I could describe as the best time of my life, I sob the whole way home. I get SO overstimulated and overwhelmed, even if I had a lot of fun. It’s a horrible cycle because when this happens, my mama tells me she had no idea that she deprived me of something I needed; Normal human contact. She’ll say she feels so bad but I’ve told her I would love to be in groups with other kids my age because I think it’s super important. Yes, there is social media, but it is not the same. Like, at all. Anyways, it feels like she doesn’t actually want me to have friends when she keeps going back and forth between, ‘ oh I feel so bad,’ to ‘ You’d be better off waiting until you’re a adult.’
I recently started coming out as bisexual to my family ( only my parents and brother rn) and she does the exact same behavior. I’ll cautiously start the conversation that I like girls too, not just boys, and she’ll say really sexually explicit things about what goes on inside a GLG relationship ( girl loves girl). She’ll say stuff like,’ are you sure you’re going to want to go down on a girl,’ Or, ' you’d have no choice if you didn’t want to,’ and it makes me not only uncomfortable, but like I can’t actually talk to her about it. She’ll say stuff like this, then say she doesn’t care if I’m not straight. Like ???? You’re going to tell me you understand and don’t mind about a certain situation, when then point out how stuff like this? Both situations are similar in that aspect and both hurt because not only am I now questioning my sexuality, I can’t really be sure because I don’t ever get to be around people my age. Both are kinda tied and I don’t know what to do. Sure there’s social media, but that seems to be the only response along with she’s just protecting you. 1. Social media isn’t the same as irl relationships ( not to offend anyone, it just doesn’t feel the same to me) and 2. Just because she’s ‘ protecting’ me doesn’t mean she is helping if that makes sense.
I’ve brought up how distressing it is not being able to be around other teens and she either laughs and jokes about it or says something dismissive. I feel bad about feeling this way because she works a lot. She works so hard everyday and I even go to work with her, but I feel so compressed that I think it’s why I’ve been having random crying panic attack like freak outs, but usually when I’m alone.
I’ll be going to college soon and my parents are helping me some through it, but they want me to do most of it at home ( pretty much my mom’s decision, not my dads), so the whole social aspect is still very limited, even if not as much. I can’t drive by myself yet so going places for me specifically is lowered. And when it is for me ( going to a horse barn every so often) I feel awful because she points out how she is taking one of the few days she has off and spending it all on me, so I feel terrible and don’t even want to ask.
Anyways, there is so much more but I’m really tired. Thank you if you read all the way through, it means to me. :)
If I were you, I'd try to make friends. You'll be an adul without social skills and no support beyong your parents. Also, humans are social. Social media isn't enough to know how to behave in public or how to have nlrmal relationships with people. I think your mom wants you to be just for her or something like that. It's scary that she's limiting such and importany development in your life. About you sexuality, it's clear that your mom wants you to be heterosexual and she's trying to make you one. But her points are so stupid "you'd have no choice if you didn't want to": that's rape. And she only has a problem when you are meant to do oral sex to a woman when you don't want to, but not a man? It's like she is saying that it's worth being forced when it's a man but not a woman? Your mom sounds sick. Get a driving license/bus card and start being more dependent so that you don't have to trust them to take you anywhere, because I'm scared that if you ever make friends and want to go out with them she will make it imposible for you. Friends aren't a waste of time or end up in bad terms. You can make good friends. Every relationship can end but it doesn't make it worthless. You learn things from it. There's something wrong (even abusive) about how your mom is limiting your social life.
@Pedrita
well said, I enjoyed your responses! 
@Pedrita
Thank you for taking the time to read and respond to my post, it means a lot to feel heard.
I have tried to make friends in any way. She even suggested that I could go to a church’s teen group, but the weekends aren’t really up for grabs for me. That’s why I’m so confused. She says she’d want me to go do something, then go completely against it by either refusing because of something I might have done or because she’s too tired, which I do understand because she works a lot, but it’s a lot of back and forth so I don’t know what she’s going to do. I am in the middle of getting my license, which she’s excited about because it means I can go get the groceries for her, but I haven’t asked about it any further. It’s really confusing! It’s like she loves me but doesn’t want the me along with it.
@LeotheUnicorn
It sounds like your mom has her own issues she's dealing with and she's using you to perhaps avoid them. What I mean is, maybe she feels out of control in her life so she's controlling yours. That's a complete guess on my part, but just something that popped into my head. People typically don't do things to others because of the other person - they're doing it because of something within themselves (good or bad).
You say you're going to be going to college soon and so I'm guessing you're an older teen since you didn't specify your age. For most teens, this is a time to start spreading your wings and gaining some independence. If your mom isn't willing to give you the independence then you are going to have to take it. So, what can you do to help yourself in the situation you're in right now?
Are you in an area where you can walk to things or take a bus to things? (Like a group or club)
Can you get a job?
There should be other homeschooled kids in your area - find them. Just because kids are homeschooled doesn't mean they don't have additional activities and get together with others.
And I would definitely go away to college, or at the very least, if you have to live at home, make sure you're not going to class online - physically go to the classroom. (I know it's hard right now with covid keeping classrooms virtual, but hopefully by the time you're in college everything will be generally back to normal.)
How is your dad in all of this?
@thoughtfulmomma
well said momma, I was thinking some of the things you had expressed. I just so happen to be typing and hit the enter button at the same time 
@thoughtfulmomma
Thank you for taking the time to read and respond to my post, it means a lot me!
Where I live, walking isn’t really an option. I live about thirty minutes away from everything in both directions. But there is a coffee shop kinda middle where I know other kids hang out, so maybe I’ll try that?
I’m in the middle of trying to get a job, but they haven’t gotten back to me and I’m waiting for my mama to take to to other job where I can apply.
My dad is slowly talking me about the weird dynamic in our family unit. He’s told me how pretty much everything his life consists of outside of work is tied to what mama wants him to do, along with his vacation days ( it’s bringing us closer in our relationship). He feels the same way about how one moment everything’s okay, then the next is misery. Mama is like a bulldog, she won’t stop until SHE feels like her point has been made and as a teen, I want to be disrespectful because I’ll tell her I get it, can we talk about it later, and she’ll get really mean and give me the silent treatment ( she’s told me if I wasn’t behaving right and being explosive as a child, she would just ignore me and it would change my tune). My dad feels the exact same way about that. I feel awful but everyone is conflicted ( I do have a brother, but he hasn't talked to me about how he feels; I think he's worried about getting on the bad side of things, yknow?).
@LeotheUnicorn
I happen to agree a great deal with what
@Pedrita is saying........
I think @Pedrita has given you some things to think about, points to ponder, things to consider
What is it that your mother is so afraid of? Is this truly a her problem and not a you problem but because of her problems you are now experiencing those of your own? Is there a reason that she has always done these things and kept you away from people? It appears as if you are old enough now to feel the effects of not being allowed to have the opportunity for social interaction with your peers. It seems as if you see it, you feel it, you yearn for human interaction.
I hear you saying that your mother works all of the time. In addition, I also hear you saying that you are home schooled. Who is home schooling you? How is this process being accomplished?
In regard to your feelings about your sexuality, no shame in that, give it time, you are young. It appears as if you have had limited experiences with interacting with many people your age. It's okay to be confused and it's okay to like who you want to like and love who it is that you want to love. I don't see a rush to try to label yourself. Labels have very little value in my opinion. Sometimes labels are simply societys ways of putting you in a nice, little clean, sanitized box so they can judge you and most quickly. It's okay to just be you. It really is, just okay to be you! We are all unique, special and different in the most amazing ways!
It appears as if your mother may be influencing you with her own pre-concieved notions. Well, when growing up it can be good to look to parents to guide us for some things. But also, we do have the power to reject their thoughts and simply have our own. Of course living under someone elses roof does require certain things from time to time. Some times parents can expect no arguments,no push backs and complete compliance as well as respect. This involves physical responses. Our minds and are thoughts are our own and that is something no one can control. I'm hoping this was helpful
@SparkyGizmo
Thank you for responding to my post, you have no idea how much I appreciate it.
As people, I am aware that moments in life that effecting you can show you where you can fix yourself. She’s told me to quit looking for the problems in other people and look at what’s wrong with me. I have. And I still am because no matter what, we can still learn something about ourselves. It’s why I write. I have a bunch of notebooks that I’ve filled and then look back on to see what I could have done better for a situation, how I could have misinterpreted a conversation, and what I can do to fix it all around. But I’m still a teenager, so there are bound to be slip ups, which I’m trying to minimize as much as possible.
As far as homeschooling, I’m doing an online homeschool program. Since my mom works a lot, it makes my ‘ schedule’ compliant to when I can go to work with her. She knows I don’t like it, even points it out, and just tells me to knock it off. School is hard right now! I have over 5 classes and double the work because I’m doing the four years of highschool in 3 years. It’s a lot, but I’m capable.
Thank you bunches for responding to me! <3
@LeotheUnicorn
Now, may seem odd, but for me, I needed to respond while completing one thought process. Now I will delve into another, at least you can see.........I am paying very careful attention to what it is that you have said......but there are mutlipe topics that are presented.
So I hear you saying that you become over stimulated when interacting with your peers, put into a car and removed from the situation. If a parent notices it's too much for a child, well sometimes these could be the right things to do based on what a child is going through. So this is truly a what came first........the chicken or the egg question......???
Has your mother mentioned to you previously that you have sensory issues? Do you suffer from sensory integration dysfunction (used be called sensory integration disorder) or are you on the Autism Spectrum? Has your mother sat down with you and explained these types of things in the past? I'm not saying that you are, but for a 15 year old being able to verbalize "overly stimulated" is quite the mouthful.
Or are you simply overstimulated due to lack of human interaction? Either way, I'm sending you big *hugs*
@SparkyGizmo
Thank you for pointing this out!
I do not have any sort of sensory disfunction that I know of, but my mama says each time after going to the house, how I did this as a kid on field days in elementary ( before I pulled for homeschool). I would be fine, having fun and being normal, but the moment I’d be put into the car to leave, I would scream and kick the seats. She’s told me I’ve come a long way from that ( I don’t have full out tantrums, I just cry now), but I’m still going to have to work on not reacting and acting that way because it won’t be as accepted in society ( which does kinda sense).
I can’t figure out why I’m getting so over stimulated, whether it’s because there might be something actually off in my brain or because of lack of socialization. We haven't had any other consultation since I was about 5 ( had TBI, traumatic brain injury at 2) in which they said I was fine.
@LeotheUnicorn
Well, I must say, I wouldn't know, like at all what it feels like to be you right in those moments (the transitions).
Many listeners say to members "I understand" and you know, I do that too sometimes (but I catch myself before I do it if it is not right or not worthy). It truly is situationally dependant. I think it's important to know the difference as a listener to say "I understand" so its a way of validating the feelings and emotions of someone. But I feel like for me to say to you right now "I understand" is to rob you of your feelings, emotions when you are in those moments and experiencing things through the lense in which you do.
There is a time and a place for everything!
I have someone in my life who I love dearly. And they too have had problems with "transitions" in the past. Moving from house to car, from car to house, seperating from an activity with friends or getting warmed up to an activity with friends, out of the bath, into bath, undressing versus putting clothes on. Letting the fingernails grow versus clipping them. Stepping from sunlight into the flourescent lights of a grocery store, horns honking, the sight of an overhead fan being turned on. A toy that they love with lights and sounds being pressed or activated at the wrong time and making them cry. Even a microwave or a hair dryer being turned on was simply, just too overwhelming. Overwhelming, overstimulating.
So, I love them. And I helped them and I tried to be cautious of their environment, grow right along with them. Maybe I couldn't say "I understand" to them either because I wasn't them. But what I have always had and will always have is empathy for them.
I have empathy for you too my friend! I send big big *hugs* and this sounds really hard! I agree! The transitions sound like they are very hard to manage
