My daughter said I hate you
My 11-year-old, daughter has been upset with me for holding her accountable for not doing her chores. This has been an on-again, off-again issue (not the end of the world), but I am getting frustrated with having to keep revisiting it. I even wrote cards out for her with everything written down.
So my 9-year-old son told me that she told him, I'm boring, mean, unkind, and she hate me. I know this can be common, and sometimes kids say that (although I never said any of those things to my mom growing up).
How do I handle her, and also my feelings on this?
@RealJoy
Don't take it personally.
Kids need boundaries.
Hopefully she'll settle soon, and get used to it, when she realises it has to be done.
You love her, that's absolutely what matters most 💕 💜
@Amanda84 I have five children and adopted them all. They all have early childhood trauma, and I have learned not to take it personally. Logically, that's easy. Emotionally, it hurts to hear those words.
@RealJoy
Emotionally it can be heartbreaking.
I get that.
You have all been through alot.
@RealJoy
Hopefully, she didn't mean it
@fruityMirage6614 I don't think she did. At least not the part about hating me. I know she loves me. It hurts to hear it though. I also need to spak to her about it without making her feel bad.
What she said—boring, mean, unkind, that she hates you… is probably more about frustration than how she really feels. At 11 kids are learning independence and testing boundaries, and that often comes out in harsh words. It’s normal for you to feel frustrated or hurt, but try to separate that from how you respond. Staying calm and consistent even when it’s tiring sets healthy boundaries. You can acknowledge her feelings without excusing the behavior by saying something like “I hear you’re upset, but the chores still need to get done.” Letting her make small choices can give her a sense of control, but don’t engage with the name-calling. The repeated pushback is part of the pattern, so keeping expectations steady helps both of you. This phase is temporary, and calm consistency now lays the groundwork for how she handles conflict and responsibility later.
@8Claire8 Yes, thanks. Good advice.
Thats rough im sorry youre going through that love and grace take care of yiuself ok xxx bug hugs if acceptslble youre doing so erll alsi kids will be kdis and need bounfaries but doesnt mran doesnt impatx tou a lot voy equslly valud.
Guve youtself grace for how you ferl and allow yoyrwelf to feel.
Yho ahrd and hesling jn tjme.
Let's put ourselves in her shoes. You said your children all have trauma right? And that they are all adopted?
She might have different expectations after being adopted or that maybe she doesn't know the source of her underlying problem(s) so she takes the frustration out on you because you are currently introducing something to her that she doesn't like. So she is not happy with the responsibility but also she is letting the frustration out because of her issues with her past (her trauma).
She did say those words and at least you got feedback, but remember, a minute of anger can forget all those years of love (or months). For me, I say allow her to make her room a mess. Not because you neglect her intentionally, but to prove to her WHY (and to show her WHY) you have those rules nad responsibilities in place.
When our sister at church told her granddaughter not to touch the electric fly swatter (the electric fly swatter that looks like a badminton racket) she sinsisted on touching it so she let her touch it and got mildly electricuted.
Of course, experience is the best teacher, but don't apple this principle to let her make other and more dangerous mistakes like doing things that could possiby permanently change her life negatively (like teen pregnancy).
If she EXPERIENCES the mess in her room and she is just in her own clutter (and can't find the things she need or want) you can clean together. Instead of making her clean the entire room you can assist her in the cleaning. Together.
You also tell her that you are hurt by her words instead of relying on her intuition on her own. She gave you feedback for what you're doing (making her take responsibility), you give her feedback because of what she said (hurtful words).
Make her count her blessings, remind her how lucky she is for being under a roof. Show her videos of children who are less fortunate than her. Restrict access to her gadgets or devices until she cleans her room.
@RealJoy I understand you. It's unpleasant to hear a child say they don't love you. We love them so much. And we want them to love us back so much. I'm sure you invest so much in them. My heart is with you. I hope your daughter will soon show you how much she loves you (children are less likely to say it verbally, but have other ways to say it).
@RealJoy
as a young daughter myself, I've said those types of mean words to my mom many times. I didn't mean any of them, but the surge of emotions let those words slip. However, not a single word carried a meaning behind it. And, I'm sure, your daughter feels the same way.
although it may be hard to reach out to her first, it really eased my fury/frustration/irritation/bad emotions whenever my mom hugged me and explained her feelings & her perspective once a few hours had passed. if it seems applicable in your situation, you should give it a try :) there's no right or wrong answer in relationships, but I hope you and your daughter find a agreement point.
Honestly, it's a delicate age. She is going through hormonal changes. It might be confusing. If you can cut her some slack that would be nice.
If her not doing the chores is adding to your burden then I can't say anything. Else if it is just training, when she is an adult, she will have to do it and find a way. You have already done your job.
Hugs to you! I have had my 10 year old niece say I hate you in anger. I understood and was never upset with her. But, it feels so big. I know.
