My husband got upset with me and implied I’m a bad mom and don’t do anything right
We were playing Uno with our 5 and 6 year olds who were getting silly lost track of whose turn was next. I said who was next and he said I need to let them figure it out. Happened again and he and I started to say different things at the same time. He then said “just play” and sat silent the rest of the game. When the kids asked to do something after he told them he only wants to play with good listeners. Then he told me that my actions (doing things for them and talking over him) made him the bad guy and that’s how it always is. This is just another one of my messes he “needs to fix.” I explained that I thought that they were being goofy and I was trying to redirect them back. I wouldn’t intentionally talk over him or interrupt. He said if I can’t see that I was in the wrong then he can’t help me. He then walked away to walk the dog without allowing me to respond.
I wouldn’t be so frustrated if this wasn’t becoming more frequent. He always talks about how he knows everything and the reason we have good kids is because of him and anytime things don’t go right is because I did or did not do something. I work out of the house (childcare teacher) and he stays home. I’ve told him how this makes me feel which according to him is my problem that I need to fix. And then I get the silent treatment.
It’s all just very demoralizing because obviously we all make mistakes but I genuinely don’t think that this moment needed that kind of reaction.
@jenead
I believe that mother's and father's love to children might be a little bit different. Mother's love is usually warmer, softer and more forgiving. While father's love might be more around giving the kids best mental equipment to survive when they start to be independent. Though sometimes parents swap their roles.
Also, you and your husband may have slightly different ideas about raising your children. However...
I think showing some basic respect to each other in a marriage is essential, and he has absolutely no right to treat you like being constantly wrong, less intelligent or worse kind of a person. It's not a positive partnership.
Sometimes people need an hour or two to think things over and go back to balance (and discuss it when they are calm), but any silent treatment is from the definition manipulative and abusive.
"I am OK, you are not OK" I believe is also a destructive attitude.
It looks as if he was thinking that in your house he's the boss and you're only a visitor. Do you have any ideas where this might come from?
@jenead
My second thought is: It's always the easiest way to end a relationship while something is going wrong. But I believe it shouldn't be too easy while the kids' happiness is at stake.
So, maybe it's a good opportunity to discuss with your husband your family roles. Maybe he is not as happy staying at home as he says (and trying to compensate for his degraded self-confidence by behaving bossy?)?
Are you the only person in your household who makes your living?
If you were just talking over him, the story should end with your saying just a simple "Sorry!", and not being made too much of a global issue.
Unfortunately, if your husband wouldn't like to talk, that is also some kind of an answer...
Ideally you and your husband would work out your game plan behind the scenes and then implement it in front of the children. Disagreeing with each other in front of the kids, if you can be polite and constructive about it, can actually be a good thing. It shows that people can disagree and negotiate a conclusion and it's ok. Being nasty or snappy should be avoided. Letting your husband know all this privately may be a first step, and asking if you can resolve your differing game plans and present an integrated program for parenting could be a further step. Letting your husband know that you want to do the right thing and that this friction hurts you would be piercing the heart of the matter.
How long have you been married, if you don't mind me asking?
11 years
@jenead Are you able to communicate with him behind the scenes without the children being privy?
Oh yeah. Don’t get me wrong, most of these conversations occur when they are not around
Oh yeah. Don’t get me wrong, most of these conversations occur when they are not around
@jenead
People do have different styles in child rearing ... men like to think they are fixing things even if we may not like the help. While a few men may like staying at home for most it is short lived. The ingrained idea of who is bringing home a paycheck is in charge.. I find when we disagree although it is hard to do but looking at it from another angle helps.
Sometimes we need to stop ( even when we think we are RIGHT) and discuss the plan with how to deal with kids or it can end up with mixed messages and disconnect kids see that and disregard both sides. The treatment it seems is not about this one instance... it is about a disconnect between spouses. The choice is clear to find a ways to work together and not fight about being right or wrong or plan on small things turning much larger again and again.
leave him with the kids all day or for a weekend that'll change who's tune, honestly I'd threaten with divorce, it's abusive behavior, and if he doubted me I'd hand him paperwork that week, he's manipulating you, and being a narcissist. it sonky going to get more worse amd that anger is building it up and it will fester
My guess is that he is not as happy with the stay at home gig as he once was. Perhaps he needs more positive feedback. If it was me I would make sure to complement him in front of others. If anyone mentioned the kids for example, I would give him the credit for his roll.
I homeschooled ours and worked as a small 🚌 mess consultant, landlord and other things so we could keep the kids home after my H retired early due to mental illness. If we we complemented on the kids progress or such, I would say, they have their father's work ethic. I let him do the drill and memorization parts of homeschooling because of this. States and capitals and times tables, all him. He had such a good work life beforehand re-retirement. He would beam.
If he does not have male friends or hobbies with other men it might be good for him to add this. He might be feeling isolated if not.
Wanted to add that if the disrespect increases over time he might be spending time with someone else either in person or online.
Divorce him and take the kids with you. What a narcissist.
I am afraid @jenead you know your husband (through 11 years) and all the circumstances much better than we do. And all you need is feedbacks, points of view and sharing experience. It's your life, your family and you are making the decisions.
From my experience destruction is rarely a real solution to any problem. And when it is, it's usually the last option considered.
@jenead
Hello, how are you? Honestly, I think that if you visited a family counselor or psychologist, this would be of great help to you. If he doesn't want to go with you to his house, bring the counselor to the house. He will teach you how to deal with each other and with the children.