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Dating as a Caregiver

User Profile: forcefulLychee4358
forcefulLychee4358 February 19th

I worked out of town in Hawaii  for a month. I took my brother with Down syndrome with me who I take care of now. My girlfriend came to join us 2 weeks later during her break from work. It was a 1 bed-1 bath apartment. My brother slept in the living room and I The bedroom 


On day 2 she got very sick. I’m talking fever, ears plugged, cold. She said she couldn’t get out of bed. I got home after a night shift and she told me she was going to stay at a hotel for one night to recover and rest in her own space. My brothers toys were all over the living room floor and I noticed he left poop on top of the toilet seat. I was sad but I understood. 


My brother and I SOBBED after we dropped her off at her hotel. I felt so lonely and completely ABANDONED by her. I was so angry at her even though I supported her through it. I offered to pay her hotel but she declined. 


She came home after one night as promised and we had a wonderful rest of our trip. But I can’t let go of the anger I felt.


She’s been so supportive of us. My brother came into the picture 3 months after dating. He absolutely loves her. 


I finally told her 2 months later how I really felt about it and she got so upset and defensive. Please any advice! 

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User Profile: CalmRosebud
CalmRosebud February 19th

@forcefulLychee4358

Look, I totally get why you felt that way. Being a primary caregiver is heavy, and when you’re already running on fumes from a night shift in cramped quarters, seeing your partner leave—even for a good reason—can feel like the floor just dropped out from under you. It’s that "in the trenches" feeling where any loss of backup feels like a crisis.
If you want to smooth things over with her, one idea is that you might try talking to her again when things are calm. You could start by telling her you know absolutely she wasn't trying to hurt you or ditch any responsibility, and that you know she was genuinely sick and just needed to breathe and heal from her illness and have the space to take care of herself at that time.
The key is to explain that your anger wasn't really about her "wanting a hotel room," but about the overwhelming loneliness you (and your brother) felt in that moment. You could say something like, "I think I felt so overwhelmed by the weight of everything that night that it came out as anger toward you way after the fact, even though I knew you needed to rest.” (This is just a brainstorm idea, you, in your moment of conversation, of course choose the words you would say.)
It might also help to explain why you waited two months to say anything. Just let her know you were trying your very best to process all of it on your own because you didn't want to be unfair to her, but the feeling just wouldn't go away and so you felt you had to say something, even though it was so much later.
Moving forward, maybe the two of you can come up with a "game plan" for when things get chaotic or when you notice yourself feeling abandoned in your caregiver role, even though it wasn’t true abandonment, it was simply her taking care of her need to recuperate. That way, if someone needs to step away for a night, you both have a plan so you don't feel like you're being left to drown. You're doing a really hard thing, and it's okay to admit that you need to feel like she's your teammate, even when things are messy.
Do you think she’d be open to sitting down and restarting the conversation if you approached it from that "we're a team" angle?

User Profile: LadyInSilence
LadyInSilence February 19th

@forcefulLychee4358

Let me first recognize and appreciate what you are doing as a brother, let alone a caregiver. You sound you are sincerely doing your best. Second, its quite common to have conflicts with your partner. At times, these moments are needed for both of you to understand how to deal with things together. I know your anger might have been genuine at that moment. Its not anger but much of a disappointment. It wasn’t at all something that was meant to happen. Her getting sick was beyond control. Actually it was very considerate of her to stay away when being sick from both of you. It would have been worse if you or your brother caught that sickness. Perhaps the fact you were so thrilled to come back from the shift to see her and her decision to stay at the hotel might’ve shattered all that excitement. Please understand for her to comprehend your situation and to get used to it, will take time. She sounds like an amazing person and so are you. The feeling of abandonment is extremely hard to overcome and you and your brother seem to be fond of her. Don’t be furious when she has only been this little time with you guys. You both deserve to be happy. 

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User Profile: Remina
Remina February 19th

I deleted a duplicate. Transferring a comment by @AffyAvo


AffyAvo 16 hours ago

@forcefulLychee4358 Hopefully you don't mind if I pop in.

I have chronic illnesses and sometimes it affects plans. It doesn't mean that I'm at fault or to blame though. My husband and I can be angry, frustrated, disappointed, etc. at the situation without that being directed at me.

Is this something you actually blame your girlfriend for? To me it sounds like by allowing herself to rest, she would have been able to recover faster and actually spend more quality time with you. Feeling overwhelmed or alone is ok. Saying/believing your girlfriend abandoned you in that moment isn’t helping build a healthy relationship. 

User Profile: scorpionpolktanktree
scorpionpolktanktree February 20th

@forcefulLychee4358

you ar enot in the wrong but neither is she

taking care of oneself isnt easy , if i am sick im bed ridden and i cna barely function ,i would want if not help at least peace and quiet

i understand why you are sad and hurt by what she did

but she was sick and needed a moment to recover ,and she was and still is onboard with you for the relationship

do not over stress one point of pain between you two  

i am not sure what you expected her to do ,at least in a hotel room she can have room service to get soup or medication delverd ,what could she have gotten had she stayed that night with you and your brother ,you were already tired and taking care of him 

i understand you are hurt by it 

but she did it not do anything malicoues she was sick and wante dto recover quickly AND she came back after and is still with you 

being a caretaker is a big strain on you yes , but you shouldnt focus so much on it and forget that other people around you can get hurt and have needs as well,and sometimes those needs cant be met in the same envaironment your brother is in ,not because he is ba dor they dont like him but because if they try it could be worse

would you have prefered she satyed and instea dof a day was sick for a week or even had your brother also catching that along with her and now you need to take care of 2 bedridden sick people 

she made a good call for herself who was sick,you who were tired ,and your brother who she did not know could catch it or not 

maybe listen to her side and see where she came from and why she did it 

it might be just a moment she thought nothing malicous of and thats why she got defensive. 

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