The Secret to Less Stress and Better Relationships: The Three Circles
Have you ever felt completely drained by a situation or a person?
Maybe a project at work is not going well, or a friend is not listening to your advice, or you are worried about things happening in the world. It is easy to feel like we are spinning our wheels and getting frustrated without seeing any real change. The best way to get your peace of mind back is to look at your Three Circles.
1. The Circle of Control (The "Me" Circle) 🟢
This is the smallest circle, but it is where your power lives. It is the only place where you have 100 percent say. It includes:
- Your words and the tone of voice you choose.
- How you react when someone is unkind.
- Whether you choose to let go of a problem or hold onto it.
- The effort you put into your work today.
2. The Circle of Influence (The "We" Circle) 🟡
This is where we interact with others. You do not have total control here, but you can "nudge" things. It includes:
- Sharing your feelings honestly with a partner.
- Collaborating with a team and making suggestions.
- Setting a good example for others to follow.
- Asking for what you need.
3. The Circle of Concern (The "Everything Else" Circle) 🔴
This is the biggest circle, and it is usually where our anxiety lives. It contains everything we care about but cannot change. It includes:
- The past (what happened yesterday).
- Other people's opinions or moods.
- Global events or "the system."
- Whether someone else chooses to change their behavior.
Why this changes everything!
Frustration happens when we spend our energy in the Red Circle. We try to "control" the past, the weather, or other people.
Peace happens when we move back to the Green Circle. When we stop trying to fix everyone else and instead focus on being the best and calmest version of ourselves, we actually gain more influence over the people around us.
Questions for you!
- In your relationships (family, friends, or work), what is one thing you have been trying to control that actually belongs in the "Concern" circle?
- How would it feel if you took all that energy and put it back into your own "Control" circle today?
I am cozied up, safe & sound w/my partner. We are watching television and our cat is cuddling with us deep in our blankets. With candles and warm heat. This was a great read for tonight & definitely worth coming back to. Thnx for sharing!
If my partner will engage in certain things to help improve our relationship
It would feel like I had more control and I wasn’t just waiting for them to take action
Thanks @Heather225 ✨🙏🏽✨
I feel that maybe it is not about controlling, but how the behaviour affects my mood/energy - I feel and deeply see the situation so it hits different ✨
However, when I go back to myself it improves. Although is something I keep working on because sometimes the feeling - and thoughts about the situation, remain in my head long after it passed
With my ex boyfriend. I will feel like he still loves me he will say he loves me he will even be nice for a short period of time.. but then he just repeats these same criticisms like i only want pity i only point fingers he makes me the problem but never says anything about what hes doing. If I say something he's doing to me bothers me the. He says there u go again looking for pity. And I keep looking for a different outcome if I say it differently if I dosomething different if I do more to make him feel important or special. But no matter what I get the same response.
I do put it in ny control circle i feel like by controlking my actions my tone wheb i say something or how I do things.. but it always leads me bacj to why cant i ever get a single answer that is in reality fron him? So I guess even though I think im focusing on my control it goes right back to that outer circle. Idk how to change that.
@Heather225 I usually try to control my partners angry outbursts by running around and trying to make sure that nothing upsets them.
@Heather225 I have been more mindful of my behavior and decided to focus on my priorities and adopting a "do not engage" policy whenever there is an inappropriate emotional outburst
@Heather225
I feel that maybe it’s not really about controlling others, but about how their behavior affects my mood and energy. I feel things deeply and really see the situation, so it hits differently ✨ However, when I bring my focus back to myself, things improve. It’s still something I keep working on, because sometimes the feelings and thoughts about a situation stay with me long after it has passed.
I feel like we are good thanks for asking 😊 you
@Heather225
1. In your relationships (family, friends, or work), what is one thing you have been trying to control that actually belongs in the "Concern" circle?
Memories of the past and regret are something I need to let go of. It zaps all my energy and makes it harder to focus on what I need to do right now. This ends up adding on more to the pile of regret.
2. How would it feel if you took all that energy and put it back into your own "Control" circle today?
I can imagine it would feel so freeing and peaceful. I can't seem to figure out how to move on from the things I feel bad about, because I still see their effects today.
I tend to try to control my 2 year-old's behavior. All I can do is influence him and hope he takes a nap and go to sleep when he needs to.
If I let him go to sleep on his own terms and focus more on controlling myself and what I do with my own time and energy, then I would feel much calmer. I am beginning to put this in practice, too, and I am having less frustration.
Thanks for this post!