Aftermath or abuse
Sometimes I wonder if I made it all up.
Like maybe it wasn’t that bad.
Maybe I was the problem.
Maybe I’m too sensitive.
Maybe love just is this painful and consuming and messy and I should’ve stayed and figured it out.
But then I remember:
I was constantly anxious.
I had to explain myself for being in a game.
I had to worry if not answering fast enough would start a fight.
I felt guilty for having boundaries, hobbies, thoughts.
I wasn’t safe. Not emotionally. Not mentally.
It was like walking on glass barefoot every day, and still being told I wasn’t doing enough.
He said love meant putting him first.
But what that really meant was he came before me. Every time.
And somehow, I believed that was love.
I didn’t leave because I stopped loving him.
I left because I started disappearing.
What people don’t talk about enough is how hard it is to leave someone when you’re trauma bonded.
My brain literally feels rewired.
I still crave him. I still replay things. I still want to reach out like maybe this time it’ll feel safe.
But it never really did.
The highs were addictive.
The lows felt like dying.
And now everything feels empty and numb, and like I’m broken or dramatic or maybe just “too much” like he used to say.
I keep looking around like—Is this real?
Did it really get this bad?
Is my therapist seriously making safety plans with me?
How the *** did I let it get this far?
But the truth is, this isn’t just about him.
It’s about how I learned to tie my worth to survival.
To mistake control for love.
To believe that if I just did everything right, I’d be safe.
And now that I’m out, it feels like free falling.
No peace, no high, no love. Just withdrawal.
Everything is foggy and sad and unreal.
But I guess I left because some tiny, buried part of me knew:
This was killing me.
Quietly. Daily.
And I couldn’t keep disappearing just to make someone else feel secure.
@Priscella
Understanding whats good for you adn To walk away which was constantly effecting you and making you feel bad, shows You are strong and powerful and beautiful to yourself. It takes courage to walk away , trust me its hard and many of us cant do that. Kuddos to you. Be Kind To Urself 😊. We are all here with you ❤️
You’ve done amazing! Good for you 🥰 it’s a tough road but you have pointed out many important things in your post. I’m really happy you’re here and I hope you’ve connected with some amazing people to help you past this point.
@Priscella
I'm glad you had such insight.
I know that I have problems discerning what is just and fair. I had to learn this about myself. But now that I know, it is power. It gives me a kind of second wind in thinking. Like, I will assess something, and then assess the assessment.
It's a little slow at first, but like with most things you get better with practice.
Self-love makes it easier to do. It helps build confidence in your decisions as you understand your wants and needs more.
@Priscella
When you suffer through something as you did, it can feel surreal or like it happened to someone else. Theres second guessing, conflicting emotions, a million questions, analysing every minute detail but your gut told you to go, to live, to demand better, your heart knew it and desired it and it will be tough but the hardest thing was recognising it wasn't right and walking away. You know you deserve better and now you need time to feel like you again, there's no timeline 🥰💜
I was 6 he my brother was 11 he touched me and I didn't know if it was right or not then but I'm ready to talk about it sometimes I think maybe it was in my head maybe if he doesn't remember no one would believe me but I started therapy and I'm slowly feeling more comfortable with myself I still don't know who I am of course but I'm trying it has made me smoke weed everyday and vape and drink anything I could've done I would have but it all happened for a reason and it has made me who I am today but again I still don't know who I am it will sound weird if I say this but maybe it was for my good... I hope this was ok to share...
@Priscella that’s what my dad caused abuse
@Priscella
Glad I logged in and read this. I was debating on whether to start talking to my mom and sister again. My family as a whole. There's that whole gaslighting thing from when I was diagnosed as schizoaffective.
The your confused when I point out a mistake they're not willing to admit to.
Trauma bonded... with my sister and mom from experiences when I was younger.
Not having any support as a adult.
Trauma bonded...
Yeah that explains my relationship with them.
Will do more research...💪
Thanks Priscilla.🙏✌️
@Priscella Sometimes nothing feels real and it all feels like your stuck in a simultaneous loop. Like your spiralling and will never wind back up to the surface.
What you’re feeling is so real, and incredibly brave to express. You didn’t imagine it your pain has roots. You were surviving something that slowly chipped away at you. The fact that you’re questioning yourself is a sign of how deeply you were manipulated, not a reflection of your truth.
Leaving wasn’t weakness, it was strength. It means a part of you still believed you deserved more. Healing will feel messy, but every step away from what hurt you is a step toward finding you again — whole, worthy, and safe.