Be Honest 💕
If you had to be honest in this exact moment, no mask, no filter, what word or sentence would describe how you feel?
@Amanda84
There's this voice in my head always holding me back from being truly happy and loved by people it feels like a curse sometimes I've got myself into.
Like I'm unworthy of trust and not being real unless I confess my worse mistakes. Which feels so unnecessary.
*t.w*
I have broken trust of my loved ones as a teenager cus of my mental health and addictions... even tho they don't know it. It's me who knows how weird I'm/was.
I have changed.. I'm trying every single day to change myself. I know I'm not where I was anymore.
I feel like I shouldve moved on completely by now.
It's all in my head at this point.
I feel like I need a reminder rn, whether i am deserving of being loved and trusted or not.
@fossilfellow
Of course you are deserving of it 💙
You are not your mistakes.
You are not your addictions.
You are not your past.
You have taken accountability for it.
You don't deserve to hold yourself back now or apologise continuously for something you've already apologised for 💙
@Amanda84 Thank you so much ❤️
@fossilfellow
Always 💙
@Amanda84
Idk i feel unstruck, i have my faith that one day everything would change, get better, i will see myself in a better position than where i m now but I am afraid of what I am now? I have long vision, ik what i should to get better, move forward in life but idk what's pulling me back? What is that thing/thought that stopping me from doing my things? Is it just busy i used to laziness, n now it is harder for me to work, build myself?
I am afraid Amanda, really afraid!! I feel like a bad person, i feel guilty, self blaming, also I can see that how much i can do, what I am capable of, I've those abilities that most ppl's don't, but I am wasting it all.
Yk, yesterday my brother return back to our home, I'm not jealous, definitely not, ik!! I'm happy for him to be this successful in life, the dignity he holds from my parents, me n other, the way he smiled at my parents, me, was so real, warm n beautiful, i see the truth but everytime I look at myself in mirror, i feel fake... My smile, laughter, joy nothing feels real. I think I see myself as a failure, worthless.
My father has scold me for the way i am now, i used to a good person once, I am so oriented, focused, work harder no matter what. He said how awful I have changed now, vulnerable ): I'm not feeling bad that he have said such things, for real, it's the truth but I am thinking abt me, what I am doing? What I am actually heading on to? What brought up me to this point
I could be fixed right where I am now, ik!!! but idk how? Where do I start? Even if i start I am sure if can keep going?
Idk whom else to share this with, idk if they would understand me better,
I've did disgusting in the past, which is awful, bad!! I hate my characteristic now, I am pretty sure that I wont do that mistakes once agn, but those things I've done before weighing my heart so much than i think. I do t want to be a bad person, i don't want to feel guilty. But the wound is deeper enough now, i do t think i can fix that.
I just wanted to vent it all, I'm sorry it's long xD. But Amanda, if u could give best advice what it would be? I don't want stay thi way longer anymore ):
@AiluraTheCat
I'm glad you can vent to me.
You are not a bad person and you don't have to compare yourself to anyone.
Or feel guilty or less than.
Your parents love you for you.
You are not being fake or you are not unworthy.
You are kind, compassionate, creative and full of joy, navigating difficult feelings doesn't mean that these parts of you aren't real.
It's about taking one day at a time.
And it's about changing your mindset.
Working on telling yourself good, gentle, quiet things.
Not tearing yourself down.
That takes consistency and desire 💙
And I love you 💙
@Amanda84
I honestly needed to hear this, thank you so much for ur kind n empathatic words. yk it mean's world for me now ❤️!!
Idk, I am always relapseing... Haven't able to meet deadline n drown myself worring abt how lazy I am, n worthless I am.
You are right, i think i should work on my mindsets, n self esteem. I'll try my best ❤️!! Love you more *Hugs* 🤗
@AiluraTheCat
Don't focus on thinking you are lazy.
Focus more on what you get done.
We don't have to be all things to all people.
We just have to keep trying.
Keep finding a way 🩷
@Amanda84
Thank you so much! 😊 I'm relieved that I was able to cry during my breakdown last night. N Yes, I'm trying to be optimistic in every possible ways and I hope that things will soon get better :)
*Hugs*
@AiluraTheCat
💙
@Amanda84
@Amanda84 🐞🐾🍀🤍 :))
@fossilfellow
Perfect picture for a Caturday!
@TovaCare76 Thank you 💝🥰
@Amanda84
This is me right now. I had a great week 😃
@TovaCares76 I'm so glad ❤️🥰
@TovaCares76
That makes me happy to hear 🤗💙
I sometimes feel like I'm very complicated and weird.
@fossilfellow
You are most certainly not weird and trust me, we are all complicated!
Life isn't easy.
We are all trying our best!
It doesn't come up with a manual.
💙
@Amanda84 ❤️❤️
@Amanda84 Ehh, well..
i feel like i keep hearing the voice of everyone who has hurt me on all levels. Telling me im too muhc, telling me im a bad person for stuff that i didnt even do or for stuff thats not actually harmful, this toxic shame keeps lingering these other crisis thoughts are still sitting there, even in a small percentage. Feel like idek who i am. I just feel like im in a dream, and all i feel are emotions. THen i regret expressing this becus i feel like im only being negative and its not that bad. but it is , it is this bad. Im not sure whats right or not, idk if im in a world that is seriously negative dominant (maybe not), im not sure if its just the state, im not sure if its just the home, im not sure what it is but i dont feel awake. I feel like im in true survival. and im overworked by it. to the point of just feeling numb. im not sure of anything atp, i used to know and believe i was resilent, i probably still am but i dont pay attention to it as much and forget that i am probably resilient. deep in my soul i know i need reassurance/encouragement but i hide it and act like i can do that for myself and that be enough even tho thats not the case. Gosh most of these feelings are exactly how i felt as a kid. for some reason i feel very low of myself, very vulnerable, pretty rude to myself like my peers did me, and i feel trapped like i cant leave, its scary inside and outside. (sorta)That critizing voice feels so true it feels like a safe person might help with it but i hesitate either becus im worried ill be too much or ill get dissapointed and realize again that im better to get support from myself..which id rather have support from me and a community that cares about me, or atleast 1 safe person, cant manage everything alone it will always end in exhaustion and hurt. Ive also noticed old habits resurface and comparisons which just entrap me even more in these feelings. I know in my soul i need kindness, a hug and warmth and a safe person yet it feels like everyone either tries to mimic it instead of the real thing, or i try and mimic it instead of the real thing, heck ive even been ignoring whats hurtful which is not me, i usually face things head on, im just exhausted and feel alone and unwanted, i probably am wanted but i wont lie i do wish someone would treat me like im wanted and tell me im wanted and mean it fully.
@berrycheesecake90
All negativity is not bad.
We have to express it.
Process it.
Heal from it.
But negativity from otter people's opinions, thoughts, or wrong thinking, cannot hold you back.
Or be your train of thought.
That's exhausting.
And debilitating.
You deserve peace.
Contentment.
And to just be happy 🩷
@Amanda84 Thank you Amanda 
💖
@berrycheesecake90
A pleasure my friend 💚
@Amanda84
@Amanda84
Lol, Good Morning n Good night as well 😅 it's going to Tuesday in few more minutes 😅 11:27pm !!
@AiluraTheCat
