Be Honest 💕

@Amanda84

losted within the storm within fearful of opening up hidden doors within 

@Amanda84

@Amanda84

@Amanda84

@Amanda84

There's this voice in my head always holding me back from being truly happy and loved by people it feels like a curse sometimes I've got myself into.

Like I'm unworthy of trust and not being real unless I confess my worse mistakes. Which feels so unnecessary.

*t.w*

I have broken trust of my loved ones as a teenager cus of my mental health and addictions... even tho they don't know it. It's me who knows how weird I'm/was.

I have changed.. I'm trying every single day to change myself. I know I'm not where I was anymore.

I feel like I shouldve moved on completely by now.

It's all in my head at this point.

I feel like I need a reminder rn, whether i am deserving of being loved and trusted or not.

@Amanda84

Idk i feel unstruck, i have my faith that one day everything would change, get better, i will see myself in a better position than where i m now but I am afraid of what I am now? I have long vision, ik what i should to get better, move forward in life but idk what's pulling me back? What is that thing/thought that stopping me from doing my things? Is it just busy i used to laziness, n now it is harder for me to work, build myself?

I am afraid Amanda, really afraid!! I feel like a bad person, i feel guilty, self blaming, also I can see that how much i can do, what I am capable of, I've those abilities that most ppl's don't, but I am wasting it all. 

Yk, yesterday my brother return back to our home, I'm not jealous, definitely not, ik!! I'm happy for him to be this successful in life, the dignity he holds from my parents, me n other, the way he smiled at my parents, me, was so real, warm n beautiful, i see the truth but everytime I look at myself in mirror, i feel fake... My smile, laughter, joy nothing feels real. I think I see myself as a failure, worthless.

My father has scold me for the way i am now, i used to a good person once, I am so oriented, focused, work harder no matter what. He said how awful I have changed now, vulnerable ): I'm not feeling bad that he have said such things, for real, it's the truth but I am thinking abt me, what I am doing? What I am actually heading on to? What brought up me to this point 

I could be fixed right where I am now, ik!!! but idk how? Where do I start? Even if i start I am sure if can keep going? 

Idk whom else to share this with, idk if they would understand me better, 

I've did disgusting in the past, which is awful, bad!! I hate my characteristic now, I am pretty sure that I wont do that mistakes once agn, but those things I've done before weighing my heart so much than i think. I do t want to be a bad person, i don't want to feel guilty. But the wound is deeper enough now, i do t think i can fix that. 

I just wanted to vent it all, I'm sorry it's long xD. But Amanda, if u could give best advice what it would be? I don't want stay thi way longer anymore ):

@Amanda84

@Amanda84

This is me right now. I had a great week 😃

I sometimes feel like I'm very complicated and weird.