Brain Dump Challenge

Boosting :)

 Sometimes I dont feel real and by sometimes I mean a lot of times spontaneously since ... the last year? like it comes and goes but it always comes and its weird sometimes i feel nothing surrounded me is real, and the noise and people and looks are seprated from me. sometimes i dont feel like a human, like im just some kind of form of conscionuseness taking over a body, the life of someone else. sometimes i feel distant of my own identity (which I dont kno if i really have) like I dont know who (name) is, what she likes what she sounds like who she is with friends. I feel like an imposter, like an actor of a play that has no script. 

 I dont have many friends. I have one best friend whom I love and adore, and shes going through problems, im glad she has her boyfriend with her most times. I miss her i think, we talk sometimes and we still see each other but i think shes the only one i feel truly comfortable with, like myself or like a person when i dont get to feel like myself. ive been struggling with my ideas on wo of my other friends. I dont like the way E treats A, I guess she just wants to help or maybe she's angry or something. but I dont like the way she's acting lately, I'm not sure if she was ever different , I dont want to blame her for the way she feels or acts but i dont like her approach on things sometimees and it bothers me. She was really dependant on me some years ago, we promised to start again, brand new, that we will change, that we have change. but I still feel she holds me in a pedestal, she makes me feel like a god not like a human. Sometimes I want her to hate me, to get mad at me, if only to prove she's capable of it. I got mad at her for doing something stupid, and i dont usually get mad, and i spoke my truth, she said "its a lot to process" she said "you're probably right like you usually are" YoU're *** right doesnt solve anything , I feel like she didn't listen to one word. I'm tired, it's been years, I gave so many words for her, so many worries and sometimes I dont feel she cares. i dont care if she cares for what i did, i care if she cares enough to change or if it will always be empty promises, false new begginings that will crumble at the first inconvenience. I said I hated her, in my mind, im not sure if i really think like that. but i want her to be okay, which i guess means i love her.

 And sometimes i feel im incapable of love, Im not sure if I'll ever "fall in love", it seems so easy to literally everyone else, they crush on people and have sex and relationship and then break up and find two more people next week and im stuck on a train with no stops, everything moving so fast so much all the time but I can never arrive at nowhere. I don't think I love right, even as friends, I dont love loudly. They want constant reminders of care and all I have is a silent promise to always be there, but if you dont reach out to me then ill leave you alone, its space its your decision. I dont yell my love or put little hearts on texts or ***, I just sit there and look at them and love inside me. like *** it's been years and i still struggle to say "I love you" to my best friend even though I love her a lot

 im not sure theres more, theres probably more. this is here now, thank you, im sorry

@jesusredeemedme2425 ah gosh today I have been feeling drained beyond words. And instead of doing more of what brings me peace, I am stuck staring at my phone endlessly, which is something that drains me even more. I’ll be honest and say: I’ve been feeling lonely too. Not just today. There’s a sense of belonging that I am always chasing. Belonging to a community, I mean. I miss it, though I don’t think I’ve ever genuinely had it.

@jesusredeemedme2425

Second brain dump

I'm in a completely different place now. 😄

Still alone / lonely, with no one outside of my wife to confide in. No longer heartbroken, I am glad the the woman at work is now talking to me again and I know our friendship will never be the same as it was. I have not gotten all emotional in the past week since speaking to her and getting my complete feelings for her out there and also letting her know that I was never looking for romance or anything physical from her.

No more worrying, anxiety or panic attacks. Such a weight has been lifted from my heart.

I even have a different outlook on 7 Cups, I mainly hang out in the 50+, friendship and icebreakers sections.

Since i wasn't tagged i don't feel invited to comment.

I want to scream. To scream of injustice. To scream of failure. To scream of- cruelty. To scream of love, and words, and hope, and how it is never, ever enough. 

But there are already screams. There are already the sounds of weeping, of anger, of hatred, of fear. Maybe everyone wants to scream, deep down. Maybe it’s about time someone stopped to listen. 

One day I’ll join the chorus of pain. 

Not today.

@jesusredeemedme2425

This is a great idea but I'm afraid I would be banned from 7 Cups.

@jesusredeemedme2425 I don't want to go to the church with my family

Broke up 3months ago with my GF after 5.5y because thé same problems kept coming up and happening.

And at first my friends where really actively there for me. Bu5 now (understandable) wayless. And for me a part of me wants to talk

A part not

And i feel like thé mask i put on has Become '' tóo good '' i can feel like *** and still my Surroundings Will say they are proud i'm doing and handeling it so we'll

My parents arent currently home( i'm 27 was going to move in together with GF in september but that aint happening anymore so still live at home)

And i can say i have been abusing alcohol to Bé able to let out how i feel

Your message is like a warm hug 🫂 😍